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[inevitable--storm]

Prompt

Yeah, well, I shut everybody out. Don't take it personally. It's just easier.

word count: 2546 words

authors notes: This is my first time writing something like this like ever. It didn’t turn out like I thought it would but here I am. Please note that English isn’t my native language so excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes I’ve made. Also: if you are uncomfortable with some angst, this might not be for you. I hope you’ll enjoy.

There you are. Sitting in a corner inside of a ridiculously huge building, absolutely overwhelmed by the incredible amount of people surrounding you, not even knowing how exactly you ended up in your current position. Why were you even kidding yourself? You knew university would be hard and you'll be surrounded by immense crowds every single day, be pushed to your limits all the time and under pressure pretty much the whole time. You knew you most likely won't be satisfied with most of your grades because the expectations you have for yourself are exceedingly high. But deep down you still thought you could handle it well enough. You’re continuously trying to prove yourself. Not to others, but to yourself. You wanted to do better. Yet somehow you ended up where you are now, being dangerously close to a breaking point.

Suddenly something comes into your field of view. Rather, somebody than something actually. It was probably the most handsome guy you've ever met. And for some peculiar reason he was standing right in front of you. You slowly glanced up, just a little, your eyes still slightly watery. ‘Hey, are you alright?’ he questions. You don't respond at first, not noticing that he was addressing you. But when he speaks again, he's looking directly at your face. ‘It's fine, you don't have to stop whatever you were doing just to check on someone you don't even know’ you respond. Silently muttering an 'At least I guess it´s fine’. ‘It's not like you're interrupting anything. My professor called in sick, so my class won't take place today. Also: I actually do know you. We're in the same maths class, remember?’ he shrugs. ‘And why would you spend your precious spare time with some random person from your maths class when you've got better stuff to do?’ you snap at him still upset by recent events. ‘Wow easy there. Anyways... Would you like to get something warm to drink?’ he replies unbothered by your little meltdown. ‘Listen. I appreciate your efforts. But why don't you just go and do whatever you wanted to do before you saw me sitting here and for some inexplicable reason decided to talk to me?’ you answer not ready to give up your alone time. Nonetheless he stays persistent and you end up agreeing to go to that damn coffee shop with him just to get back in your comfort zone as soon as even possible. You had already finished your last class of that day anyways.

The coffee shop was close to the science department of the university, so it was a short walk. And basically all of it was filled with an awkward silence. You were still caught up in your thoughts of desperation, going through the day’s events over and over again. You had no idea why he didn't try to introduce a conversation, but you're glad he doesn't since you don't see any point in small talk and are exceptionally unskilled at it. Maybe he is just being nice not wanting to interrupt your thoughts. The two of you soon arrived at said coffee shop. When you entered you searched for a spot to sit and he wanted to know what he could get you. ‘I don't like coffee, like at all, so it's just whatever’ you state resigned. He chuckles in a deep and pleasant tone at your response. Lifting an eyebrow you question ‘What is it?’. ‘Nothing, I'm just more of a tea-person myself’ he states still chuckling slightly amused by the face you made ‘for your information they do serve tea in this place.’ ‘I wouldn't know I never go here. But in this case I'd get some sort of fruit tea.’ While he leaves to order something for the both of you, you try to calm yourself down still questioning why you even agreed to this in the first place. You are taking some deep breaths when he returns to your spot setting down the tea in front of you. ‘You still haven't answered my question from earlier’ he suddenly says.'In fact I did. I told you I was fine.’ you say shrugging, trying hard to pretend that your words were true, while putting excessive amounts of sugar in the tea sat in front of you to cover up your nervousness. ‘I meant the truth you know’. You fall silent at that for a second. No one at university ever cared enough for you to even greet you let alone ask about your well-being. Granted you didn’t really care to interact with anyone since you are more of a loner. Your introversion didn’t help either. And there he was, asking how you really felt. The truth is you feel exhausted, you have for a while now. With all those assignments and lectures you’ve been extremely stressed lately. You’ve got so much to do that you didn’t have time to be stressed about everything you had to do. When you didn’t receive the grade you hoped for in the most recent physics exam you didn’t know how to cope with it. You had studied hard for that test and understood everything that was being tested just fine. But you had such a bad day on exam day that you confused two issues and that cost you plenty of points in the rest of the exam. You didn’t even fail the test, you just knew that you could do so much better causing you to be highly dissatisfied with yourself and desperate. You couldn’t tell him any of this. What if he uses it against you or will gossip about it? Even though he doesn’t seem like a person who’d do such things. But you just can’t get yourself to tell him. Instead you just go with ‘It’s going to be alright’ to give him at least a somewhat honest answer. Why are you trying not to scare him of though? You never really care what most people think about you. Why would he be different? ‘You’re not going to be any  more specific about this, are you?’ he sighs at your response. The question, more rhetorical than anything else, is hanging in the air for some time. When he seems to decide you’re not about to tell him more about your situation, he changes the topic and begins to chat about your majors. Luckily something you’re comfortable talking about. You learn that he’s majoring in robotics and learns plenty of stuff about artificial intelligence which explains why you share a math class, even though your major is chemistry. After an hour or so you excuse yourself because you ought to get back home now otherwise you’ll most likely fall behind in your assignments. When you tell him goodbye you decide to thank him for spending the afternoon with you.

On your ride back home you can’t get him out of your mind.

 You’re early for math class as always and except for 5 other students the only one in the auditorium. You definitely prefer 8am classes others since you’re an early bird. Due to the fact that the room is basically empty you’ve got free seat choice. You settle for your usual spot in second row. From there you can see everything pretty well, the chance of tall people sitting right in front of you is extremely low and you won’t be distracted by the backbenchers doing everything but paying attention to the class. You set up your materials for class and when you check for the time and notice you’ve got at least 15 minutes until class starts you decide to work on a practice task that covers the subject of today’s class. The auditorium starts to fill soon but when you check he’s nowhere to be seen. Maybe he’s sick or something. When there’s only one minute left until the class starts you hear the door slamming shut. After that follows a muffled sound and a row of swears. You notice that the voice sounds somewhat familiar. And when you check it’s him. You try not get too excited and internally scold yourself for hoping he’s looking for you. Then someone drops their stuff in the seat next to you. Your heart skips a beat since you always sit by yourself. When you see who it is it skips yet another one. It is in fact him. He smiles at you what seems a bit shy and while he greets you he places two hot beverages on the desk. ‘It took them an eternity to get those ready at the coffee shop. Almost thought I wouldn’t be able to make it’.  You were about to greet him as well when the professor starts the lesson. He silently slides you the second cup and you give him a tiny smile in return mouthing a thank you. As always it was a busy class so you were occupied with work the entire time. When it’s over there’s barely time left to get to your next class. He was just getting up and it seemed as if he wanted to start a conversation. With you stuff already packed you throw your backpack over your shoulder. Rushing out of the room you mutter a silent ‘Thanks for the tea. Have to leave for my next class asap’.  

 Soon it became a ritual that he’d always bring you some tea. You feel guilty though because he probably spends tons of money for it. At some point you start bringing little snacks to make up for it. Despite your little ritual you barely talk to each other. You keep telling yourself that it’s for the best. If you’d let him in further he’d presumably realize that you’re nothing but a mess. One that couldn’t deal with any sort of pressure and disappointment properly. And you want to avoid that at any cost. And even if that wouldn’t bother him there would be another problem.  You’d worry about disappointing him too. Who are you kidding? You already do.

And of course your struggles wouldn’t disappear magically. You still had difficulties hiding your disappointment in yourself when you didn’t do as well as you wanted to. And it became worse when the actual exams were coming soon. You’re close to having a break down with all the things you have to study, even when you started a month in advance. You probably look like shit.

Your strain resulted in the fact that you interact with him even less. The lack of interaction made you think you fucked things up with him. Still trying to tell yourself that it’s better that way. Yet at some point he seemed to decide to give it another try. One day he managed to catch you at the library where you spend quite some time studying. You don’t notice him at first which is why you jump when someone is suddenly touching your shoulder. When you notice it’s him you let out a relieved sigh. ‘You scared the hell out of me!’ you accuse him. ‘I didn’t think you’d be so jumpy’ he tried to defend himself. ‘But I’m sorry for scaring you. What are you up to?’ ‘What does it look like to you? The exams are close so I have to study’.  ‘Mind if I join you?’ ‘Whatever pleases you’ you shrug. So the two of you start studying together in silence. At some point he asked you about a topic he apparently missed because he was sick when it was covered. You try your best to explain it to him since explanations aren’t exactly what you’d call your strong point. He gets it really quickly though which secretly makes you suspect that he lied about missing that class. At 7pm you start you get hungry and tired. When notices your stomach growling he offers to get some food. ‘I should probably head home. I’ve still got some stuff to do.’ But for some reason that remains hidden from you he keeps insisting you’ll eat with him. When you tell him you’d rather eat at home he offers to eat at his place. Deciding that he won’t take no for an answer you agree.

 When you arrive you notice he lives in the same street. You don’t know why this surprises you so much. Just because you’ve never seen him around doesn’t mean he wouldn’t live here. You never leave your apartment when it isn’t necessary so it shouldn’t be surprising. When you enter his flat you luckily don’t have any trouble orientating since yours is pretty much the same. At least as far as you can tell. You got Asian take-out on your way here and start eating almost immediately. ‘Oh no!’ he exclaims followed by a silent swear when you’re halfway finishes with eating. You give him a confused look. Then he offered you something to drink and kept apologizing for not doing so earlier. You told him it was alright and that you didn’t really want something anyways. ‘But you have to drink something. I didn’t see you drink for at least two hours’ he insists. You give in and he gets up to get you something.

After you finish you sit at his table without talking. That’s until he speaks up. ‘Do you mind if I ask you something?’ ‘You just did. But it kinda depends on what you’re going to ask. But why don’t you just go ahead and I’ll tell you if I’m comfortable answering it or not’. He takes a deep breath before asking: ‘Why do you shut everybody out? I mean I really care about you and sometimes it feels like you’re finally letting your guard down but then you are pushing me away again. I just want to understand. From what I’ve seen you’re an amazing person and extremely intelligent as well. I want to spend more time with you but keep backing away’. This hits you. He isn’t wrong you are backing away from people if they are getting closer to you. You still feel like you owe him an answer. He told you that he cares about you and you have absolutely no idea how to deal with this. ‘Yeah, well, I shut everybody out. Don't take it personally. It's just easier’ you say in a soft voice that is barely more than a whisper. ‘But why?’ That’s when you can’t hold it in anymore. You don’t even know why. ‘Don’t you get it? I’m an absolute mess!’ you say desperately. ‘But so are most people. So am I. You don’t have to feel bad about yourself’ he responds softly taking your hands in his. ‘Please let me try and show you that you’re worth it’ he continues leaving your moth gaping. ‘I need some time though. You can’t expect me to change immediately’ you say slowly. ‘It doesn’t matter how long it takes you. I’ll give you all the time you need. I’ll be waiting for you because you are definitely worth the wait’. You give him a soft smile when you hear his words. Then he pulls you into what is perhaps the warmest and most comforting hug you’ve ever received. And maybe, just maybe, things are going to be alright.