ineffable-monody - Tumblr blog

[ineffable-monody]

I’m scared to tell my therapist that I’m starting to feel like a burden to people again. I feel like no one wants to actually be around me. That I’m insufferable and spending too much time with me puts people on edge enough to make them snap. My own sisters said that to me. Riley said it to me. I never had friends close enough to say it, but maybe the fact that I didn’t says it itself.

I’m sorry that I ask if people are ok too much. That I ask what they wanna do. What they wanna eat. What shows they wanna watch. I say my own opinions too but no one asks me those things. No one says those things to me. In my head I’m putting out so much love. Im caring about them. Im being considerate. That’s how I love. But it’s never returned. Not even by my own family. So I must be hard to love. I must be hard to be around. I take up too much space. I am a burden.

[ineffable-monody]

I want to be loved so badly.

[ineffable-monody]

I feel the depression creeping in. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to speak. I don’t think anything will make me feel better. No one cares. No one even knows I’m here.

[ineffable-monody]

I feel so invalidated.

My rape wasn’t rape.

My abuse wasn’t abuse.

My pain isn’t real pain.

My broken bone wasn’t a fucking broken bone

My insecurities don’t count.

My depression isn’t depression.

My anxiety isn’t anxiety.

No one fucking hears me. I’m screaming and no one hears me.

[ineffable-monody]

I feel like I don’t matter. Why am I trying so hard. I’m not valued by my work. I’m not valued by my family. I’m not valued in relationships. No one looks at me. No one considers me. I’m not suicidal but I don’t feel like getting out of bed. I don’t feel like laughing. I don’t feel like anything.

[ineffable-monody]

I feel so big and so small at the same time. My family just doesn’t care. They’ve downplayed my health for so long I feel diminished to nothing. There’s no consideration. There’s no understanding. There’s no empathy. I would never expect what they expect of me.

[ineffable-monody]

It’s sad when the relationshio I’ve been agonizing over for months was so shallow. What was I even missing.

He wouldn’t take me on dates. He wouldn’t get me flowers. He wouldn’t do anything for anniversaries or Valentine’s Day.

He wouldn’t even kiss me. In 4 years I’d get a peck like you give your aunt or sloppy cigarette ones when he was too high. He never wanted to kiss me. That makes me so sad.

[ineffable-monody]

I’m lonely. I’m doing better. Breakthroughs in therapy and processing trauma and I’m stuck in the anger/bargaining/depression stage where I’m finally feeling.

I’m finally feeling.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be treated like this. I didnt want to lose the illusion of what I had. Having someone to hold. Brush their hair away and kiss their forehead. Play with their hands. Feel someone’s warmth. Just feel someone. Feel wanted by someone. Even if it was just an illusion I miss it. I miss loving. I miss giving. I want someone to give that love to. Who will reciprocate.

Maybe feeling isn’t better.

[ineffable-monody]

I hate that I’m hyper aware of everyone’s mood constantly. That I notice when you put a plate down too hard. Or stomp upstairs. Or a door shuts too loudly. And I over compensate and ask are you ok a million times. And you always said that bothered you. That I was too codependent and that was a problem I needed to work on. That I annoyed you. And I believed that for a very long time.

But now I’m understanding that I did that to regulate myself. To calm MY nervous system down. That yes, I do want to help if you’re in a bad mood and I do care, but it was really about calming you down so I felt safe. Controlling the situation so I could calm down. And that fucking sucks. That’s a you problem. You make me feel so unsafe.

[ineffable-monody]

I wish I could tell him how much he’s really hurt me. How much he’s changed me. I’ve tried to tell him I feel taken advantage of but I don’t think he knows the extent of it.

He’s drained my bank accounts. I have no financial security or pride anymore.

He’s drained my confidence. I hate how I look and how I feel and he doesn’t make me feel sexy or attractive and I question my worth so much from that.

He’s made me such an anxious person. He’s encouraged my people pleasing. He makes me so nervous.

And I just don’t think he knows the trauma I have from him. How unsafe he’s really made me feel. The things he’s said to me have stuck with me. I feel like I don’t deserve love, because I’ve accepted him giving me nothing. I had this person who said they loved me and promised me everything and took that trust and love that I gave and spit it back at me and it hurts. I just feel betrayed. And used. So used. I can’t just get over that being away from him for 4 months. I can’t forget all of that. I’ve tried to make him understand and I think he does to some extent but I don’t feel the remorse. I think he feels bad that he doesn’t have me anymore. That he lost someone that took care of him. I don’t think he feels bad that it hurt me. What it did to me. How much he’s changed me. I don’t feel remorse.

[ineffable-monody]

The right person won’t make me anxious. They won’t make me feel unsafe. They won’t scare me. They won’t make me question my worth. They won’t make me feel small. Be small. Take up less room. Be okay with me saying I don’t want anything for Christmas. Or my birthday. Or Valentine’s Day. Or anything at all. They won’t swear at me. They won’t drive unsafely with me. They won’t take advantage of me. They won’t pressure me or guilt me into things. They won’t judge me. The right person will feel right. And maybe I won’t find them. But I’ll know what doesn’t feel right.

[ineffable-monody]

I saw something today that said “if he was your soulmate he’d actually want to date you”. I keep seeing videos of husbands getting all nervous and cute when their wife surprises them by wearing a dress, or videos of guys talking about their girlfriends. Holding their hands in the car. Carrying them through the door. Playing with their hair.

My whole life I’ve said “I’ll do that in the next life”. That it won’t happen for me. I’m too big. I’m not important enough. I’m not pretty like those girls. I won’t have someone who actually wants to look at me like that.

And that makes me so sad that I talk to myself like that. That 8 year old me, so small and pure and kind, that I could look at that little girl and say “yeah you’re right you won’t have that. You don’t deserve that”. I want to give that girl the world. So why can’t I treat myself like that’s actually me.

Why do I let him yell at me. And make me feel unsafe in the car. Why am I ok with him taking advantage of me. I don’t wanna be ok with it anymore.

[ineffable-monody]

Things to start again in the new year:

- film photography

- yoga

- video games

- morning routines

- playing the flute

- cross stitch

- collecting antiques and tchotchkes

[ineffable-monody]

He hasn’t left the house in like 5 days. Kat says he’s “doing what he has to do to find a new place”. I keep going back and forth between worrying about him being alone and depressed and hating me and being alone on new years. To being pissed at him for not doing something. You wanna get back together so bad? You miss me so much? You want our life to start again? Go to fucking therapy. Work on yourself. Apologize in meaningful ways and show me some action. I’m tired of the pressure. I’m tired of the responsibility. I’m tired of being the only thing holding him together and bringing him happiness. I want him to find meaning and ambition on his own.

[ineffable-monody]

I’m angry. I’m lonely. I’m grieving so much and I’m angry that I have to.

[ineffable-monody]

I feel so weak. I can’t stand up for myself to anyone. I cried when a cashier was mean to me today. I have thoughts of going back to him daily. Which make me weak.

I’m worried I might need to go inpatient or something. I’m getting to the point of not wanting to get up or eat or work. And I’m having panic attacks almost daily now.

Therapy is tomorrow.

[ineffable-monody]

Why can’t someone love me for who I am and not what I give them. When is it my turn to be called pretty. To have my hand held and kissed. To be given flowers. To be taken on dates. To be seen romantically. Not as a mom. Not as a best friend. Why do girls my age get to be kissed. And have boyfriends that want them to get their nails done. And given compliments. And have their hair brushed out of their face and be looked at. Just to be looked at. Just to have someone say wow the way he looks at you. To have someone be IN love with me. To have someone want to cuddle me. Or make me breakfast. Or kiss my head. Or all the fucking things I see on movies and see other boys do but I’ve never actually had myself. I feel like I was destined to watch everyone experience things. Maybe I’m being punished for being to vain in a past life. For taking something for granted. Because I have never felt so unlovable. My whole life I’ve felt so fucking unlovable. Unfuckable. Undesired. Underappreciated. Unnoticed.

That’s it. I’m unnoticed. I feel like someone at a party that could leave the room and no one would even have known I was there at all. The night would go on. No one would even think “oh where did that girl go”, let alone “where did Sarah go”.