independent-eljey

[independent-eljey]

This is one of the best depictions of depression I’ve ever read. Props to Brando Sando.

[independent-eljey]

LOVE adolin's voice actor trying to mimic pattern's voice actor here. Also sorry if this is the first time you're hearing what pattern sounds like.

[independent-eljey]

Steris being excellent yet again

[independent-eljey]

Autumn leaves into the winter

[independent-eljey]

[independent-eljey]

[independent-eljey]

…You are ungifted…

I hate those voices in my head, those voices from my childhood , from my teenage years, overall from my past

…You do not have any talents … (she does not have any talents (talking to our relatives/acquaintances right in front of me)

Sometimes I hope that they, those voices, are gone, silenced forever but they never disappoint unlike me

…She will be , mostly likely, just an ordinary girl, not particularly pretty or tall or special in any way…

I hate those voices, I hate that I can not overcome them, I hate the way they make me feel - like a helpless victim that I am not - because I know! I know I am smart and talented and pretty and sexy and that’s right - very special- but it is so damn difficult to fight against those voices… because they know every little corner in my head and they are hiding, lurking in the dark until I stumble , until I trip … and just like that I am once again in this vortex of self-hatred, insecurities and self-doubt. So they are coming and it’s getting darker and gloomier and lonelier…

…She has a terrible memory, cannot really learn easily but she is hard-working…

I hate that sentence. I have heard it so many times, so freaking many times… I was the best pupil in my class , I was one of the best pupils in my school, I was the best student in my group and one of the best in my course… and still, I feel like a fraud. I know I am a fraud. But that is not a case here… even if I had been ungifted, even if I had been the dumbest girl in the whole world, they still should not have showed, let alone told me or told other people in front of me about it. And after that, is its still a mystery how those voices appear in my head? Let me tell you the secret:

Those voices are the pieces of my shattered confidence and self-love… there are a lot of them, hundreds, thousands, millions of those each of them so familiar… the words are familiar, the sentences are familiar, voices are familiar, some of them even have the faces and those faces are familiar… and I am trying to repair, or forget, or forgive, or just live on … but I do not have magic wand like Harry, I can not just Reparo now, can I?

So at the end of the day it’s still like that: through every little inconvenience those voices get clearer and my mind gets darker , those voices get taller, I get smaller, those voices get smarter, prettier, stronger and I … I don’t know what I get to be… some knock of version of myself slowly, silently drowning in the vortex of darkness…

…Hmm, you could not get a full mark in any subject, could you?!.

[independent-eljey]

On my way to my new home…

Frankly speaking I am aware that I can not , even till this day, fully comprehend what is happening in my life and how big of a change this is. But still… after a 4 hour flight, waiting, now taking bus in order to get to train station to find a train to the my final destination… though understanding that I won’t see my dorm room till tomorrow , still thinking that I can do all these. That this fear that from time to time awakens within me is nothing more than just fear.

So I repeat my mantras, trying to push and love myself at the same time.

And eljei, Be like that! Believe in yourself and work as hard as you possibly can and more… you will see soon, that you can do it!

[independent-eljey]

Dumbledore says that it is the unknown we fear, and he also says that Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.

So right now, a week before the departure in order to face the greatest challenge that I have taken upon to myself yet, I am extremely afraid. As I have been muting my emotions, I am fully aware that I am still unable to comprehend the magnitude of the events and my incompetence in compare to what will come. So, as I have cut all the ways behind me and there is no other way but forward, I am writing this post to remind myself that I am smart, I am beautiful, I am hardworking and even though I have many gaps in my knowledge, at the end of this journey I will be able to achieve my dream, to close the gaps as much as possible and to be much better. For that I need to suck up, I need to understand that I will face A LOT OF difficulties and problems, but as Naruto says there ain't going to be any shortcuts! Study! Study! Study!

[independent-eljey]

I have come across one of my old diaries 🤗 obviously HIMYM was quite a big part of my life growing up 🤗

[independent-eljey]

Wonder what if ... but then I remind myself that there is no point so I just continue living ...🤷🏻‍♀️

[independent-eljey]

14/04/2019

I hate what I did to myself when I was “with” him. Several days ago I was thinking and I caught myself thinking that all these was his his fault, I caught myself lying...it was not his fault. It was the result of my poor judgment. If I consider myself smart, and I do, I should have understood, should have acknowledged that I didn’t let go of him, because I didn’t want to be alone, not because I loved him so much. It was nice to have someone to text and to “love”, [to have someone ]who “loved me back. But really it came down to my arrogance, jealousy, unwillingness to be alone, wanting to be needed... so all really comes to my feelings , my needs in general and not particular people...

-this was when I started to face the reality little by little. When I tried not to lie to myself anymore and taking responsibility for my happiness and wellness. Since that day many moons have passed and I have gone through many ups and downs, probably more ro come, but seeing and reading that I was honest with myself, makes me hopeful for my future peace and maybe even happiness.

[independent-eljey]

[independent-eljey]

16/03/2018

I feel awful, angry, unimportant. I feel like yelling and lying in bed, rolled up and clutching my knees or sth. Why , why , why the hell like this? I hate everyone right now.

- Hey, me. I am sure you didn’t yell and cry in bed that day. I don’t really remember but I am sure of it. You don’t allow yourself be weak -or more precisely what you think is weak - you are not allowed to cry unless there is a solid reason- apparently you being just sad is not enough. So I want to tell you - Yell, Cry, Get mad, Get angry, Let out your negative emotions, so you can feel at ease.

Frankly I am having a bit of difficult time too. You know how sensitive we are towards the subject called parents. So it’s still making me sad, angry, frustrated but I can not really talk to them.I need to find some way out, because all the emotions that all the untold words keep inside me are killing me.

[independent-eljey]

07/03/2017

... I want to give up so much! I want to stop trying ... infact stop PRETENDING as if I’m trying. I am one big loser. I’ll never really be a happy person. I’m perfectly aware of this. ... I’m the type of person who can never be happy because she wants more than she deserves...

- I would love to be able to time travel right now , go back to this day and hug you. I want you -my old self- to know that you are good, and kind and pretty and smart. You deserve everything you are dreaming of and you will get them. I, here, from the year 2022, I am on my way towards my dreams. I am not gonna lie- it’s still difficult, it’s still painful and still rough. But we are moving forward, step by step, it’s gonna be okay, or more precisely we are going to make it okay, moreover we are gonna make it wonderful.

I don’t remember this particular day, I don’t even know - maybe nothing happened. All I know from my diary is that I was feeling horrible and it just sucked. It still sucks sometimes. Maybe not as bad as it used to be , but you and me - both and other “me”-s in every timeperiod need to learn to love , respect and value ourself. I got a mantra now. I am going to keep repeating it until these words are deep in my brain. So you (or I) will not go through that kind of The Dark Days.

You are smart, you are pretty, You are gifted. You need to work hard and you will achieve all your goals. I love you.

[independent-eljey]

05.06.2015

...most important - I can’t take pain ... I want regular steady life with no ups and downs...

Little did I know that there is no life without ups and downs. And there is no way to separate private and personal life. Life is whole. Life is one. Life is painful.