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Phil: So here's where I'm at. I love you.

Rita: ...Okay. Well, thank you. Noted.

Phil: That's it? Come on. "And...I..."

Rita: Okay. Uhh, I'm not sure that I love you.

Phil: ...Yeah, you do.

Rita: (smiling sweetly) Fuck you.

Phil: Look, you don't want us to date, right? We don't know why right now, you say you don't. Now, that makes me unhappy. On the other hand, you claim, and of course I don't believe you, that us being together will make you unhappy. So one of us is going to be unhappy. I just don't see why it has to be me.

Rita: Wow. I-I cannot argue with that logic.

Phil: No, it's, like, impenetrable logic.

Rita: It's the argument of a psychopath.

Phil: A psychopath who might, hypothetically, be the man...who loves you.

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Rita: Men have conversations like it's a competition.

Phil: Yeah, that's the point. Why else would you have a conversation with someone?

Rita: (to no one) Please, please help me...

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Ned: The groundhog is everything! All that once was and all that will be! The groundhog controls time and space, love and death! The groundhog can see into your mind!! The groundhog can see into your SOUL!!

Phil: (a bit frightened) Really? The- the groundhog can do all that?

Ned: Heh, no.

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"Ever know a guy for a while, one on one, and you're like, 'wow, why can’t I make things work with this guy socially, what's wrong with me?' You're dripping with sweat and you feel so inept, it really sucks. You start second guessing yourself, you just can’t find the groove with him. You scrounge around to fill his long pauses. You're working hard, getting nowhere, like a spider in a toilet bowl. But then something magical happens: you see someone else interacting with him, interacting with him, and they're struggling the same way that you were. Then you realize, he's the problem, not you! He's just a wildly unlikeable guy, you're fine!"

- Rita, about having to interact with Phil

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You know you can get people to think about sex without even talking about sex? You just gotta do it subliminally. Like, "babe, it's such a beautiful night- (takeoffyourclothes!)"

Phil during Philandering probably

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"Everyone's dying, bitch. Let's get you some fudge."

- Rita in If I Had My Time Again

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Phil, fresh out of the loop: Wow, this new day is a real miracle! I can’t wait to get out into the world and embrace being kind and loving life!

His intrusive thoughts, lurking around the corner: Lol

Phil: Ahh fuck not you again

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Larry: I can't control when the van breaks!

Phil: Oh! My good friend God is at it again, is he? Well, if God keeps goofing up like this, I'm gonna murder God.

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Upon hearing about Phil killing himself

Larry: (forced) Oh, God. You know, geez. That's-that's terrible.

Rita: What the hell was that, dude? That didn't sound very genuine.

Larry: No. Sorry. What was I supposed to do?

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Nancy: Hey, why did I just get in trouble? Rita?

Rita: You're not in trouble, you're my girlfriend. But...you didn't think you had to cook noodles. Thought you just put them in water and serve it? There's no such thing as instant noodles.

Nancy: I didn't know how ramen worked! I've never made it at home!

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Phil: Hedonism as a concept is so dope and you've all gotta un-brainwash your religious upbringing nostalgia and realize that life IS about kicking back and eating grapes around a fire in nothing but a swim suit and drinking margaritas. A little hedonism never hurt nobody.

Larry: This post makes me want to rob you.

Phil: What, and earn all of ten dollars?

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Love's a real time suck. It really gets your mind stuck on things that later on, you'll be like, "Why?" Like when's he gonna text or when will I see him next? Then suddenly the lakes have all gone dry and it's all your fault!

Rita Hanson

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Nancy's inner voice: Push them boobs up, just for yourself! Wear six-inch heels, just for yourself!

Nancy: If it's just for myself, shouldn't I be comfortable?

Nancy's inner voice: No! Put yourself first in a sexy way!

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You're my best friend, and I know I'm not yours, and that's okay. Your best friend is somebody else, but I get it. Completely get it. A little from you is like a lot from someone else. Six of yours beats anyone's dozen. That's why I love you like a brother, and you love me like a second cousin!

Ned to Phil

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I'm only thirsty for fictional men. If you exist, then leave.

Rita Hanson

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Ned: If you make ONE more crack at me, I am gonna- ...Do something to you!

Phil: Oh yeah, Ned? What are you gonna do?

Ned: I'm gonna...kick your- head!

Phil: ...Oh. My head?

Ned: Yeah!

Phil: Not my ass?

Ned: ...Yeah!

Phil: Alright then, let's see it! Huh? Kick my head! Come on, karate champ! I wanna see you kick ABOVE your waist, alright? Show me that roundhouse! Show me that sweeping crane kick that your kung-fu master taught you!

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Woo, just finally queued up more than one post for the first time in a long while!