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Juliet: Ow!

Butler: What’s wrong?

Juliet: I have this weird pain above my eyebrows?

Butler: Ah, that is a stress headache. I had my first one when I was four.

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“It seems very strange that we’re trusting our lives to a small, human boy. I definitely think it’s a bad idea, but it’s the best bad idea we’ve got.”

-Julius Root about Artemis 

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Artemis Fowl II: Ever since I rescued my father from the Bay of Cola, he hasn't been the same. I am forced to reevaluate my memories of a distant yet strong guardian and make sense of the man he now claims to be. Instead of the cold businessman I once knew, he has decided to turn over a new leaf and attempt to impart on me supposed 'fatherly wisdom.'

Artemis Fowl Senior: I ain't never seen two pretty best friends, it's always one of them that gotta be u—

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#FowlFest2020

Welcome to Fowl Fest, a week celebrating all things Fowl, in the lead up to September 1st (yes, its nearly September! I’m as confused as you are). Not only that, but we have a little surprise by our Podcast team for the 1st!

The Artemis Fowl: the Incident Report Podcast team has been working hard all week in order to bring this to you, and we hope you enjoy. Please post your contributions under #FowlFest2020

ID]  Fowl Fest 2020. A week of Fowl fun hosted by the Artemis Fowl: Incident Report Podcast. Tumblr: artemis-fowl-incident-report. Twitter and Instergram af_incident_report. August 24th: Meme Day. August 25th: Favorite Headcanons. August 26th: Fanfiction Day. August 27th: Fan Art Day. August 28th: Villains Day. August 29th: Obscure Characters. August 30th: Crossover Day. September 1st: The Surprise. #FowlFest2020. Full prompt details below.

Keep reading

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Holly: Are you involved in something nefarious?

Artemis: Quite often. Did you have something more specific in mind?

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The LEP: Artemis we appreciate your help but you really need to stop doing crime

Artemis: No❤️

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Holly Short: I got you a friendship bracelet!

Mulch: oh you shouldn’t have *holds out wrist*

Holly: *handcuffs him*

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Artemis: Don't be so pessimistic, it'll affect team morale

Holly: What, and getting us blown up won't?

Artemis: Only very, very briefly.

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Foaly: You actually were telling the truth.

Artemis: I do that quite a lot; yet people are always surprised.

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Juliet: Holly can handle herself. She jumped over a full-on troll back there. And like, how did she do that? She’s three feet tall and it was a troll!

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Holly: What would Root say if he was here right now?

Holly: “Holly! I know minimal information about the situation or its context, but I am ready to place all the blame squarely on your shoulders”

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Opal: I’ve trapped you here because I crave the most dangerous game-

Holly: Knife Monopoly

Opal: Actually I was just going to have you torn apart by trolls in a abandoned theme park, but now I’m interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is.

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Butler: Artemis was involved in a kidnapping.

Angeline: WHAT? IS HE OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED?

Butler: Oh yeah he was fine, for his first kidnapping, he pulled it off pretty well.

Angeline:

Angeline: What?

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“Whatever you do - don’t get caught.”

- Artemis Fowl I to Artemis Fowl II before he left for the Russian expedition.

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Artemis: Oh my goodness. Holly, look at that! That is the ugliest suit I’ve ever had the misfortune of laying eyes upon. 

Holly: It looks just like yours. 

Artemis: *splutters* Holly!

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Artemis: *hugs holly* Holly: OH MY FROND IT’S A NATIONAL FRICKING MIRACLE!!!!!!

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Foaly: I don’t know if this is going to work, Commander. According to his file, Artemis Fowl is a bit of a recluse.

Root: The man wants his privacy. I can respect that.

Root: *fires a grappling hook*

Root: Well, everyone over the fence!