incaseyouwanttoreadme

[incaseyouwanttoreadme]

I love it when the time of shitty self talk ends and the time of getting my shit together starts. Here we go again.

[incaseyouwanttoreadme]

Those intrusive thoughts that say “fuck it just quit everything “

[incaseyouwanttoreadme]

I constantly feel the need to express what I think and I constantly regret have expressed what I think.

[incaseyouwanttoreadme]

In case you want to read me

I am a mess. What is going on with me? I know something is not right, even my body feels different. Since when my life got so difficult? Since when I convinced myself that I wasn't capable of exploiting my potential? I remember in my childhood when I was a kid, I was a capable and determined girl. Unstoppable. Not even the overprotective father I have was able to deal with my spirit. I was untamable. And now? In what have I turned into? When did it happen and why? More than finding the cause of my disgrace what breaks me the most is that I suspect there's no turning back. That little girl that I was is now gone. I lost her. Now, I wander through the world shifting accordingly to the situation or the person that is in front of me. That's not me. I miss you. I lost myself. I could never imagine such a thing to be possible and even if it was, never I thought it would happen to me. So much chaos and destruction your departure left behind little girl. An insatiable ocean of overthinking that steals my peace and it's ridiculous because I related overthinking with perfection but this clearly does more harm than good. I know everything but nothing at the same time. Doubt, anxiety, a vicious circle that threats to dominate me everyday. There's no peace. I don't know how to fight this mental battle that wears me out and exhausts me. Somedays I am perfectly fine, somedays I am not. I feel like I don't belong. I miss so much having my own place. A place where I could by myself with my emotions and cry for days if I needed to. Nonchalant of the world outside that expects so much from me. I'm not crazy, I'm just lost. A place where I could express myself freely with my own personal touch. My safe space. I feel vulnerable and exposed as if I cannot heal at my own rhythm. It's like everything is against me. My job that comes with many responsibilities and demands so much of me, the food I eat is poison charged with chemicals that just makes me feel worse, no love partner and that is a good thing since I believe no one deserves this version of me, no money but many debts, my health obviously declining in result from my spirit suffering, my goals looking further and further throwing away all my effort and putting at risk ,betting and losing in this what we call life. Feeling like I don't want to do nothing but hug my bed and stay right there for days as if it would give me an instant cure that I seek so badly. So much work comes to fix oneself and I understand exactly what I have to do . At the end , the body talks and you know exactly what it needs. But it's easier preaching than doing. So much potential going to waste only because I can't seem to find the strength to exploit it. Sometimes I feel stupid around people. If only they knew that the person the "know" is only a small, very tiny fraction of me or better say "who I was". I'm going through life admiring the people around me that are able to go through their day as if it was simple instinct and do not allow negative talk to affect their essence. At best, that's how it is. That's what I would like to think or probably they just hide it as good as me.

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For the reader: I am not the best at writing in my second language (my first language is Spanish and I wrote this personal letter to myself in Spanish) I am conscious that this is just a phase in my life. I am human and a very sensitive one. I have an amazing support system and I am not alone. But your mind is a powerful tool that plays tricks on us and since this is new to me I'm doing my best everyday to master it and overcome it.

I just wanted to share this message because I am surrounded by a lot of positivity but I have found that sometimes reading or listening to a not so positive message can bring a lot of healing and perspective. Overall, that's life. Positive/Negative. Electron /Photon. Yin and Yang.

The trick is in the balance.