imzhay

[imzhay]

12/24/2023 ; 2:07

I prayed and asked God that if He will let my dog live and free from sickness, I will change one's dog life by doing sponsorship until that dog gets adopted. I prayed every minute of everyday. I did everthing that i can so i can save my dog. Guess what, he still died. And i blame myself. Maybe that "i did everything" was not good enough. Then i asked again "WHY?", I asked nicely, in fact i begged. I begged at my prayer at 7:37pm in my boyfriend's motorcycle, feeling the cold wind in my eyes while him and i are traveling on the way to the hospital. Guess HE knows these things will happen huh? Not mad but sad. But why? Just why? I just don't get it. Not perfect. Still human and so i asked God why? My dog is still a baby. He deserve to celebrate his first Christmas with us. He deserve to celebrate his first birthday with us. He deserve to go to place where he can run, be amazed and be fascinated with the visions around. He deserve to live and to be loved.

Now, I saw my dog's videos and photos on my phone. Been avoiding looking at it since the day he died(Dec.22,2023). But can't help it. I miss him. They told me to not post anywhere that he's gone. So I'm grieving here silently and crying at things that can be only seen at pictures and videos.

He's still alive in my head.

[imzhay]

12/01/23 ; 22:03

Im tired. No im exhausted. How can someone sleep peacefully at night knowing to themselves that they hurt someone emotionally? How can someone that you called family can sleep peacefully at night knowing that the decisions that they made in past are destroy your present and maybe your future? How could they?? How could they!! How could you! All of you! Ohhh Lord. Pleaseee make it stop. This pain... it hurts, it hurts so much, it hurts to much. please make it stop. Lord God pleaseee im begging You. I don't want to feel anything... i don't. I don't want to feel anything at all.

[imzhay]

My favourite genre of tswift photos

[imzhay]

(x)

[imzhay]

"The bravest thing I ever did was RUN" 😔

I edited the clips we had of Better Man at the Blue Bird Cafe together and was able to recreate almost the entire song. 

[imzhay]

❤️

I am now at the point of my life that I have to pretend that I am strong and independent until it becomes real.

In this phase, I learned that people only stays around because there's something beneficial to them.

Then I realize I am definitely an adult now because I have a very small circle. Just like what I read in books before, that when people starts to experience being an adult, there will be life-changing circumstances that will hit us with the reality of acceptance and rejection, who/what will stay or not.

Funny thing is, you'll discover more of your flaws and you have to accept them wholeheartedly, doesn't matter what other people thinks.

I just read a daily quote early this morning, it says "When you start choosing yourself, people will start choosing you."

For now I don't really get it but maybe someday when I already did accept myself, it will happen.