imthecutestmccarthy-blog

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

Texts || Joshael

JW: Hey, sorry, I got slammed at work. They asked me to work at a hospital in Hudson.

JW: Do you... maybe want to come over? I know it's late.

MJ: It's fine, I've been pretty slammed with school. It's getting closer to exam season.

MJ: I can use the break honestly, so sure.

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

jaydoubleujohnson:

His shoulders slump. Josh knows that Michael had struggled a little – he just knew, but to the extent, he had always tried to steer away from the truths. He had avoided Michael’s siblings for a while, knowing that he would ask about Mike and if he knew…. well, he didn’t know if he would have been able to go through with it and then, who knows what would have happened. No, Josh didn’t want to know all this. He didn’t want to know that he had caused Mike so much pain.  He never wanted that. 

Michael’s arms are around him and he breathes in deeply, inhaling the scent of the man, like he hasn’t breathed in minutes and he is the purest oxygen. His arms wrap around the other man’s torso and he pulls him even closer, his head spinning slightly. He doesn’t know where this came from, but it’s absolutely needed. His eyes close as Michael mumbles against his shoulder. He misses the first part, but the I still do love you rings true. 

I still do love you. 

I still love you.

The words cause his heart and his stomach to clench. Of course, Michael still loved him…. he still loved Mike. He always would. They were best friends. They were each other’s saving grace. …. But what kind of love was he talking about? Compassionate, platonic love that could be really needed in this time of growth and change and exploration of self? Or…. the lusty, sinful kind that made him question some of his life choices as he scrolled through this new blue website. He cleared his throat and turned his head slightly.

“I love you too.” 

The feeling of Joshua's arms wrapping and then tightening around his waist was one he welcomed. How long had he wished for just this? Just a hug from the one person he really loved--far beyond friendship, but also beyond that lusty, sinful kind of love. Michael's face soon because buried against Joshua's neck, just breathing in the scent that Michael spent most of his life memorizing and becoming accustomed to through the years.

Without thinking, Michael sat on Joshua's lap, making the hug more comfortable for both of them, but also to just stay there, just letting the silence fall between them. But soon the silence was broken by his voice clearing, making the smaller boy lift his head a little bit as Joshua turned his head. Blue met brown for a moment as the words really sank into Michael's head, and those words were like four years worth of weight finally lifted from his shoulders and chest. For the first time, Michael felt light and free.

For the first time, Michael felt like he could finally move on and start again. Whether that be with Josh or not, was debatable.

Words escaped him in that moment though, unsure how to properly express just the feeling he was having, other than to rest his forehead against Joshua's temple; unsure how the other would have reacted if he suddenly kissed him.

"You really have no idea how happy that makes me to hear Josh." Michael stated softly before sighing and resting his head on Joshua's shoulder again.

Let Go || Joshael

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

jaydoubleujohnson:

He feels like he’s been burned with the way that Michael jerks his leg away from his fingertips. It is the first time that he’s ever truly felt wrong for touching the other man. His fingertips curl into his hand, the nails digging into his palm as he moves his hand back towards his lap. He stares ahead, unable to look at the man right now, unsure what the look in his face will say about what he’s feeling. He keeps his breathing slow, each breath feeling thick as it makes its way into his lungs. He feels a little underwater, but he knows that he does not have the right to be upset right now. This was Michael’s moment and he needed to let him have it. 

He doesn’t say anything when Michael begins to talk about how he felt. He knows that apologizing again…. It’s not enough. It’s not what he needs, but Joshua doesn’t know what he can do, what he can give Michael other than to listen and understand what pain he went though because of what Josh did. He doesn’t explain his point of view. He doesn’t tell him that it was just as hard on him. That he missed him more than he could imagine. That he spent nights up, questioning the choice, but knowing that his father’s rage he had seen could come out against Michael? It wasn’t worth it and…. he didn’t want anyone to know about that, anyways. Not even Michael. Especially not Michael. Even if it would make this easier. 

“I…” What was he supposed to say. “I understand..” 

Michael took another deep breath and lifted his head, looking at the picture on the shelf for a long moment as he tried to calm down again. He didn't want to break and be in pain anymore. "Do you?" Michael asked suddenly after a long moment, his voice small to the point that he didn't even recognize his own voice. "Did you know that..." Michael sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Dad, up until he died, and Micah had to make sure that I stayed on my medicine? Hounded me really. Or that Bella made sure I ate? Or that my brothers took turns sleeping with me at night up until recently, when I moved?" Michael frowned and finally looked at Joshua next to him. "My mom wouldn't leave me alone--honestly, if I didn't move, she would probably be stuck on me to make sure I'm okay."

Shaking his head, he shifted so that he faced more towards Joshua, finally really looking at him for the first time in years. To see more worry lines, but more smile lines. To see the pain he was in but wouldn't verbally speak it. To see that his jawline had gotten sharper and that he no longer had the baby face anymore--but more of a mature one. Michael wanted to reach out then, but instead, he shifted onto his knees and without thinking, pulled Joshua into a hug. It wasn't a half hearted one, but more of 'you can lean on me' kind--the ones where you know it's not going to be let go soon.

"Even through all of that--Josh, I still do love you." Michael mumbled quietly and wearily, unsure how Joshua would react to that.

Let Go || Joshael

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

jaydoubleujohnson:

Mich: Yeah. It’s… Still a lot to take in. Mich: I grew up thinking I was just only a submissive Mich: and to just have this open up for me… Mich: It’s a lot… JW: Yeah, I get it.  JW: I mean, I don’t know…. as kids, you weren’t too bad at Dominating. You know, before. 

Mich: I never thought about it that way... Mich: I mean, you weren’t bad at submitting too. Mich: Now that I think about it, I think that’s been the only time I’ve ever been okay. Like fully.

iMessage | Jellybean

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

imessage ✉ charmander

Char: d'you want me to sit with you while you call them?

Mich: yeah...

Mich: i'd like that a lot

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

imessage ✉ charmander

Char: ... gross.

Char: all you can do is keep moving forward, babe - like, that kind of stuff takes so much time

Char: but if you're both willing to work at that, i don't see why you shouldn't, y'know?

Char: i just want you to be happy, baby boy -- i'll support anything that makes that happen for you

Mich: i know. it's just a lot right now

Mich: between Josh and this whole retesting and finding out i'm a switch...

Mich: i haven't even told any of my other family members yet...

Mich: i texted you right after calling my mom

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

jaydoubleujohnson:

Mich: cool, I’m glad you finally got your answer… Mich: yeah. I am a switch too. JW: Really? …..Wow. 

Mich: Yeah. It’s... Still a lot to take in. Mich: I grew up thinking I was just only a submissive Mich: and to just have this open up for me... Mich: It’s a lot...

iMessage | Jellybean

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

imessage ✉ charmander

Char: i mean, just take time, then.

Char: if he's not going anywhere, then hopefully he'll be able to prove that to you and you guys might at least get to be friends again

Char: i dunno. that's a tough situation to deal with

Char: what d'you want out of him being around again?

Mich: i don't think we stopped being friends

Mich: yeah, we stopped talking for 4 years, but it was because his dad was super religious and traditional

Mich: i... i don't know honestly.

Mich: like my feelings are still here, as much as they weren't. it's just going to be trust building again.

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

imessage ✉ charmander

Char: i know, baby boy. things would be a lot easier if our parents could just, tell us things and let us deal with them

Char: which is apparently not in the parental unit handbook

Char: what's stopping you guys from getting back together?

Mich: urg, all the stress we’d be without with if they actually did.

Mich: a lot honestly.

Mich: the main one being trust, charlie. He broke my heart and then didn’t talk to me for four years. I know the trust will take time, but a part of me is always going to fear that he’s just...

Mich: I’m scared he’ll just suddenly disappear like he did again. No explanation or anything.

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

Mich: cool, I’m glad you finally got your answer... Mich: yeah. I am a switch too.

iMessage | Jellybean

Mich: did you get your results back…? JW:  I did.  I’m a Switch. What about you? 

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

imessage ✉ charmander

Char: i can't say a bad word about your old man; i don't think it'd be right of me, but i get the frustration

Char: eh, i've had worse shit happen in my life

Char: this is just... a hurdle

Char: why d'you have to talk to Josh? you think he's not gonna take it well or something?

Mich: I wouldn’t get mad, but I still wish he told me instead of taking it to his grave.

Mich: true. Yeah. I guess that’s true.

Mich: no, it’s nothing like that. We had a... a long talk the other day. There were a lot of tears and new stuff and information and all that and we both got fucked by our parents.

Mich: honestly, if it weren’t for our parents, I’m pretty sure we’d still be together... which is sad to think now.

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

iMessage | Jellybean

Mich: did you get your results back...?

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

imessage ✉ charmander

Char: i don't... pretend to understand why my dad does anything, like, literally ever.

Char: it makes me really fucking angry though, y'know? and sad as shit because... if my mom had been around, she'd never have let him do that

Char: like, my whole life could've been different and it's just a lot

Char: okay, listen, it's not my fault the housing department took seventy-two years to get me a room

Char: and my car's plenty comfy but you're right, i don't hate not having to sleep in it anymore

Mich: I get it char. Except my dad let it happen. And I’m the oldest... and the only “submissive” in a family that is pro dominantly dominants and switches...

Mich: it’s still a lot honestly. Like we both got fucked over on this.

Mich: hey, you have a room now, that’s what counts.

Mich: I just realized that I still have to talk to josh...

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

imessage ✉ charmander

Char: i don't know. he thought it'd be easier or something-- 'cause he could look after me if i was a sub. i'd have less freedom away from him

Char: ugh, shut up - it's not my fault i'm short

Char: i can come over? i'm in the studio so it'd take like, three seconds. plus, they finally gave me a room on campus so like

Char: we're basically neighbors

Mich: I mean, I guess that... that makes sense in some weird twisted, backwards way?

Mich: but hey, bright side, so much more freedom from him!

Mich: nah :P you’re adorable though babe. Don’t think it’s a bad thing.

Mich: yeah, you can come over. You know I don’t mind that at all. But about damn time. No more living in your car now at least

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

imessage ✉ charmander

Char: he thought he was protecting me or something, but. i don't know. at least i can work now? i'm trying to stay positive

Char: ... what'd your mom have to go through? idk being a switch seems like it has a lot of pros at this point

Char: a small ball of fury

Char: like mighty mouse

Char: what d'you need from me right now, babe?

Mich: that’s dumb. What could he be protecting you from??

Mich: your guess is as good as mine at this fucking point.

Mich: hey, no. Need I remind you you’re shorter than me?

Mich: I... I don’t know. Most likely cuddles and just human contact right now.

Mich: I can’t concentrate on homework.

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

imessage ✉ charmander

Char: ...

Char: i don't think there's anything to do but just... try to make it work, babe

Char: that's where i'm at too

Char: i don't think my mom ever knew

Char: but my dad did, and he gave me everything i needed so i wouldn't find out

Char: it's shitty, sweetheart, there's no way around it

Mich: I’m sorry. That’s really shitty of your dad to do

Mich: there’s more though

Mich: I called my mom and told her what my results were

Mich: her only reason was that she “didn’t want me to go through what she did”

Mich: and I found out that they were in on it with everything with joshs dad

Mich: I’m pissed about that just as equally as them lying about my mark

Mich: I’m a ball of fury right now >:/

[imthecutestmccarthy-blog]

imessage ✉ charmander

Char: nah, don't apologize, baby boy

Char: i've always got time for ya

Char: what's going on?

Mich: i just got back to my dorm and my retest letter was waiting for me

Mich: charlie, my parents lied to me

Mich: this whole fucking time

Mich: my results came back as switch

Mich: i don't know what to do...