imjustgoingtorantasec - Tumblr blog

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

Nothing like just an empty box to really emphasize how little you matter when you're practically begging people to talk to you....

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

Lol anyone want to order me lunch?

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

I've really been having a bad mental time lately. I hate to self diagnose but I think...man idk saying it sounds idk self importizing or whatever that word is. I know I need to get professional help but I don't know how to do that. How to people make time to help themselves with a normal m-f job I feel lost and my mind keeps racing I feel like a fake I feel like everything is just out of reach and I feel like I'm going insane my partner telling me it's all going to be ok just makes me frustrated and I know it's not her fault but I'm starting to not wanting to talk to her about it all. And I hate that too.i feel so guilty about literally everything I do and about everything I don't do. I feel like I just want to freeze or just not exist at all. I want to puke

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

Things really are just moving so slow rn

Like I'm a bubble where no one can see me and everyone else is moving so fast around me and I can't hardly do shit. Like I have to undersell undervalue overachieve overwork myself my time and my worth just to get something out of life. It's stressful and I guess just about how I've been all my life. I can see bad habits in myself and pretty much pinpoint where those started way back when. I guess I was raised to be in the position I am rn. I guess this is where I'll always be. And frankly I'm not even sure if anyone even cares.

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

It's so disheartening doing something you're super proud of and... Nothing

You show it to friends and get a nice! And then ... Nothing. Fucking feels like I don't matter at all tbh

Then another friend does something similar and people can't stop talking about it. Fucking whatever km

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

the feeling of being ignored is fucking here again and its so strong i feel nauseous

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

i think the worst feeling is drifting away from friends

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

I also hate that I have to ask for attention

Like I'm not worth it unless I throw myself into their face

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

Guess it really can't be helped

I mean I'm pretty used to this by now getting ignored left behind... Ahh well

I at least have my s/o though... No no I shouldn't think that I know they love me. But it's hard to remember that I can be loved when it seems all my friends just .. leave me in the dust..

But maybe it's my fault

Maybe I should say something.

But I in my own stupid way don't want to guilt them into wanting to be my friend. Idk it's dumb. I'm dumb. Fuck ....

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

Tumblr... I don't even /have/ balls

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

I hate that my mood can fall so suddenly. Like the flip of a switch is all it takes for me to crash so far so hard. Everything hurts. Everything sucks

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

Honestly, I don't know. I think I'm experiencing burnout and I don't know how to cope with it. I hate going to work and I hate being at home. Not because of anything I just hate *being* anywhere

I am tired of existing but can't figure out what to do about it. I can't even really put into words what I'm feeling and it's awful to say it but I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about it because I hate to worry them. Or have them feel it's something they need to fix. I don't think there's anything that they could do any different since literally nothing makes me feel any different deep down. I still get happy and excited but it makes me crash back down even farther then I was before and it doesn't usually last that long to begin with. I feel awful for feeling awful and I can't shake the feeling that I'm not allowed to feel bad while also feeling like I shouldn't be happy. I can't stop thinking about shitty things my mom did but feeling bad about being upset over that because other people's mom's are worst. I'm also caught in a loop of it's ok for people to feel this way. .... Except me Wich makes me even more upset since it just proves that I'm a huge hypocrite. Which is one of the things I hate to see most. It drives me crazy. Everything drives me crazy. I spend most of my drives home and too work fighting back tears or completely spaced out. At home all I want to do is sleep or drown my brain in whatever I can get my hands on. I know I'm worrying lu and momo but I can't seem to pull myself out if this hell

I'm so tired. But I have to keep coming to work like everything is ok. And I just. I just don't want to anymore.

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

like i really dont know why just gets my hopes up

sets me up to just want to loose it

people who never been here getting something ive worked so hard for

and i guess thats just my lot in life

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

idk why i even try

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

So I think I may have gotten scammed put of 300 bucks. Honestly it's totally on me for thinking it could have been real. Guys. Remember. If it's too good to be true .. it probably is

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

I'm posting this here so no one judges me

So like ... In the Pixar cars universe. There's also planes

And one could assume boats/subs as well? Wouldn't we

So let's say

Cars = earth ponies

Planes = pegasai

And that would leave boats/subs equating to unicorns

And idk how to feel about that.

[imjustgoingtorantasec]

There is a very very minor chance that I could be fired due to opening my store late. And my manager said that if for some reason it comes back to him that I might he's going to fight to keep me. And that i don't really have anything to worry about but... My heart won't stop hammering and I'm feeling sick to my stomach. I have worked for this company for 7 years and have only had one other write up like this and that was almost 2 years ago. He says it may be more serious this time since it was a big sale day that it happened on (not black Friday)

I think I'm going to be sick i don't know what I'll do if I do get fired. I am so scared. I don't even know if I will be able to function for the rest of my shift.

My boss genuinely feels bad since he didn't want to do the write up to begin with but had to so it doesn't look like favoritism which I totally get and understand was totally expected the write up. But I didn't expect the possibility of being let go over it.

I'm honestly so sick fml