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FUCK THIS COUNTRY

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Headcannon that due to diligently monitoring the Wayne family’s media image, Alfred is chronically online, and as such, is constantly dropping slang into conversation like-

(Over the coms)

Batman: Alfred, what’s the update on the Arkham situation?

Alfred: *Ahem* Unfortunately sir, it is as they say- ‘we’re cooked’

Collective groans from Tim, Dick, and Jason over the coms

Batman: …Huh?

Jason: *muttering* I knew I should’ve stayed outa this one…

Damian: I don’t understand, what are we cooking?

Alfred: It’s giving ‘failure era’, sir-

Dick: Damn it!

Tim: We really are cooked

Damian: What does that -?

Alfred: It’s lowkey not-

Batman: In English Alfred. Please.

Alfred: *Sigh* My apologies, sir. The Joker has escaped.

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i feel like Tim's the kind of person to say random cryptic bullshit just to fuck with people psychologically. especially post-timestream, with his new Red Robin reputation.

Tim, sitting silently at the Batcomputer, working a case:

Dick, fifteen feet away training:

Tim, suddenly slowly turns to look at Dick: "They know." *walks out of the Cave*

Dick, terrified and trying to follow him: "Tim? What? Tim, what do you- Tim, Timmy, what do you mEAN-"

Jason and Tim on patrol:

Tim: "Do you see them, too?"

Jason: "Who?"

Tim: "Them, of course. They see all, but few see them." *points behind Jason, then slips into the shadows when he looks away*

Jason, seeing nothing, turning to find himself alone: "Tim, what the fuck-"

Batfam at movie night:

Tim halfway through: "They're watching." *again, leaves (for more popcorn, but the others don't know that)*

Everyone, thoroughly disturbed: "Tim, what the fuck does that mean get back here TIM EXPLAIN-"

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gotham rainy nights

i firmly believe in Duke doing silly things with his power

hiding under your dad's cape when it's pouring outside can be something very special + bat-rain-poncho, several years later

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HE’S PATHETIC! HE’S SOPPING WET! HE HASN’T SLEPT SINCE 1995! GO WATCH THE EDGE OF SLEEP ON AMAZON PRIME VIDEO!!!

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Headcanon that Jason never learned how to drive but kind of figured it out and drives alright. For the most part. Okay, he's not a good driver, and in all honesty, this is probably canon since I doubt he ever took driver's ed but here are some scenes to consider:

-----

Dick: The car in front of you is slowing down. Slow down. Jason slow down. JASON SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.

Jason: Okay! Okay! Calm down, it's hard to tell when the car in front of you is slowing down anyways.

Dick: Yeah that's why cars come with brake lights. You know, the things on the back of the car? That go off when the driver is breaking?

Jason: ...OH so that's what those mean.

-----

Jason: Damn this road is so dark, I genuinely cannot see.

Tim: Turn on your brights.

Jason: The what?

Tim: *sigh* Twist the stick thingy.

Jason: Oh my god have these been there the entire time?

-----

*Jason driving alone and fumbling with lots of different buttons and switches to try and find where the windshield wipers are in loony toones esc fashion*

-----

Damian (who is currently in drivers ed): You can turn left now.

Jason: You can only turn right on red.

Damian: Yeah but it's a one way onto another one way. You can turn left in red.

Jason: This feels illegal.

Damian: I promise you it isn't.

-----

Damian (before he took drivers ed): Aren't we suppose to exit at some point?

Jason (currently on his third lap around the roundabout): Yeah I'm just... Scared.

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Imagine Dick actually adopted Jason. Like that's so chaotic— especially when Jason comes back from the dead.

12 year old Jason: Hey, Dick? Since I'm adopted by you, does that mean you're my father?

18 year old Dick: ...I'm still too young to called dad so no, I'm just your legal guardian.

Jason: Okay, dad.

Dick, tearing up: Please no.

——————

Jason after resurrection as Red Hood: I am your son.

Dick dating Wally: Tf?????? How would I— JASON?

——————

Bruce: All of you are my sons.

Jason: Technically, I'm your grandson.

Damian and Tim: ?????? What.

Dick: Technically he's right. You've been a grandpa since I was 18.

Bruce: ...Fuck, I forgot about that.

Damian and Tim: WHAT THE FUCK?????

——————

Bruce and Jason arguing:

Bruce: You're grounded!

Jason: TF? You're not my dad, Dick is!

Dick: Please, for the last time, I'm not really your dad.

Jason's dramatic ass: GASPS?! I'M ADOPTED?!

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Next fic: bodyswap

Jason: *in Dick‘s body*

Jason: I feel awful. What is wrong with your body???

Tim: *absolutely obliterating a punching bag in Jason‘s body*

Dick: *looks affronted at Jason in his body*

Dick: My body is fine! What do you mean??? You aren‘t the one who needs to consume an unholy amount of caffeine to function!

Jason: I feel like someone is about to push me off a fucking cliff, Dickhead.

Dick: *grins suddenly*

Dick: Ohhhh. Lemme fix that for you, Little Wing.

Dick: *walks up to Jason and hugs him tightly*

Jason: *relaxes before tensing up*

Jason: WAIT. YOU NEED HUGS TO FUNCTION?!?!

(Next fic is in the works! o7 It isn’t the one I had originally planned cuz my brain went brrr. Have a good one, my lovely birdwatchers! <3)

((Edit: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59545189/chapters/151862587 ))

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Jason: “They’re children, Bruce! They shouldn’t be soldiers in your crusade!”

Bruce: “The children, Jason. They yearn for the capes.”

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follow forthefuns for more funny stuff

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post patrol shenanigans

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Jason's emergency contact is "anyone but Bruce" but folks only read "Bruce" and call him anyway

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We need to go back to using sailing ships full time like immediately. Yes it would take longer to get places but the Aesthetic is unmatched

Like there is nothing sexier hthan this

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As a choir kid myself, i had a funny ass thought that came to mind regarding Alfred unintentionally forcing the kids to join some sort of music elective.

~~~~~~

When Dick sits down and asks Bruce for his thoughts on an elective Alfred casually goes “oh, i would love to go to your event/concert/play”

Dick hears this and chooses Theater. Alfred goes to EVERY play, Bruce only misses 2 plays because a villain is near by and he will not let them ruin his son’s play.

Jason, as much as he loves the classics, chooses some music elective. Because “I’m not Dick.” And even then Alfred makes it to every concert and Bruce also only misses a few meetings to deal with JLA stuff that he can’t miss.

Edit: Jason is a choir kid. He will not be like Dick, he will not do theater. But he loves musicals too much, so choir it is.

Unsure what the others would pick. But i feel like Damian would also choose Theater because “Richard will not stop saying i have to follow in his footsteps” even though he was going to pick that regardless. Because he in fact wants to follow in Dick’s footsteps and be a theater kid.

Edit: Damian gets more lead roles than Dick did. Dick is proud and not at all upset that Damian is a better actor.

Feel free to add more~

Edit: Addition from @leechlets as well as some extra from me

Tim is a band kid. Specifically Jazz band and concert band. (He hates marching band because he is always too sleepy)

Tim is smart, he learns every instrument possible. Trumpet, sax, tuba. He will play it all. Edit: Tim manages to be first chair for trumpet, sax, flute and clarinet.

Duke is the first triple threat. Choir, band and theater. Lowkey makes everyone else jealous.

Cass does color guard. So Alfred is at every football game. It does not matter if it’s a home game or an away game.

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Not that anyone cares. But i was back on my bullshit and decided to write fanfics again. But was also on my bullshit regarding my life so i fucked up and now i have a child. We all good tho. Just no more time for fics or sleep 🫠

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Imagine working at Marvel and when someone ask you what you do you have to tell them your job is to basically edit out Marvel actors’ d—