im-not-short-i-swear

[im-not-short-i-swear]

They're just theater kids with one (many) cameras  🫂✨

[im-not-short-i-swear]

Calypso: The stars are beautiful tonight.

Odysseus: You know who else is beautiful?

Calypso (blushing): Who?

Odysseus: Penelope.

[im-not-short-i-swear]

My favourite moment 😮‍💨

[im-not-short-i-swear]

Now tell me he wouldn't do that

[im-not-short-i-swear]

[video starts with Jason Todd-Wayne sitting on a couch and looking into the camera like he’s in a reality tv show]

Jason: Now I have known for years that people are attracted to my father, but only this week have i figured out a way to treat this: by telling everyone what Bruce is really like. If you’re still attracted to him by the end of this video, I think you should see an optometrist.

[scene changes to see Bruce Wayne on the couch, rubbing his temples already. If you turn the volume all the way up you can hear him muttering “i love my kids i love my kids i love my kids”]

Jason, now behind the camera: Bruce! What do you dream of?

Bruce: My parents d-

Jason: I said dreams, don’t get us demonetized.

Bruce: Sudoku.

Jason: You dream of sudoku?

Bruce: Is this an interrogation?

[scene change but Bruce is still on the couch. He just has coffee now]

Jason: What’s your favorite cracker flavor?

Bruce: Saltines.

Jason: Why did you pick the boring ones?

Bruce: Crackers are inherently boring

Jason: Why not cheez-its? Or something else with a little more pizazz.

Bruce: Crackers are incapable of pizazz.

[scene change, Bruce is now eating saltines]

Jason: What do you say about the allegations that you are just a piece of white bread someone doodled a face on.

Bruce: …does the bread at least have raisins?

Jason: No. Now what about the allegations that you really need to get over your stupid moral c-

Bruce: I want my lawyer.

[scene change, Tim Drake-Wayne is now sitting on the couch next to Bruce. He is wearing a suit and clutching a briefcase.]

Jason: How many people have you actually dated?

Bruce: T-

Tim: Don’t answer that, he has nothing on you.

Jason: You didn’t go to law school!

Tim: I have watched all 26 seasons of Law & Order: SVU.

Jason: He wasn’t even accused of a crime!

Tim, already standing up: Oh he wasn’t? Then we can go

Bruce, walking out of the room with Tim: Bye, Jaylad!

[scene change, Jason is sitting on the couch again with his head in his hands]

Jason, muffled: Why do I even try?

[im-not-short-i-swear]

Bruce: Tim, keep an eye on Jason today. He’s going to say the wrong thing and get punched.

Tim: Sure, I’d love to see Jason get punched.

Bruce: Try again.

Tim, sighing: I will stop Jason from getting punched.

[im-not-short-i-swear]

Dick: We’re going to be working with Jason today.

Tim: Jason? Didn’t the Joker kill him?

Dick: I’ll ask.

Dick, yelling: HEY JASON DID THE JOKER MURDER YOU?!

Jason, from the other room: YEAH!

Dick: See?

Tim: That answered none of my questions.

[im-not-short-i-swear]

[One of those shows where an interviewer asks a question and then it shows a compilation of people answering it]

Vicki Vale: Who is the leader of the Gotham vigilantes?

Batman: Me. [he then stared at the camera until it cut away, after 10 seconds of silence]

Black Bat, signing: Jarro [she refused to elaborate when asked]

Red Hood: I would say Nightwing, but since he’s a goddamn Bludhaven TRAITOR, I guess it’s Oracle.

Red Robin, with a shit-eating grin: It’s Red Hood.

Spoiler: Brickothy [she holds up a brick that looks a little worn, like it was thrown at an extremely hard head]

Signal: Well Ace the Bathound appears to be the only one with brain cells soooooo

Robin: Me. [he then stared at the camera until it cut away, after 10 seconds of silence]

[im-not-short-i-swear]

Dick (Nightwing) and Jason (Robin) stare at Bruce. One sports pleading eyes, the other a shit eating grin. There’s a child between them with black hair and blue eyes.

Bruce, he doesn’t know what’s happening but he doesn’t like it: No.

Dick, grinning: He’s our younger brother now.

Jason, nodding seriously: You’re not gonna take him from us.

Tim, got kidnapped while taking photos of patrol, just happy to be there: Where’s the Batcave?

Bruce: what.

Dick, grinning wider: He’s ours now.

[im-not-short-i-swear]

I bet the JL has a “how fucked are we” metric that’s literally just how many of Bruce’s kids are there.

Like if he pulls up to the alien invasion or whatever with just Robin, then everything’s fine. More than fine, actually, because Bruce feels comfortable enough to bring his eight year old along for the ride. This battle will take approximately fifteen minutes and they’ll all get shawarma after. Not fucked in the slightest.

But if Red Robin shows up too… hmm, okay, this is getting somewhat serious. Tim is one of Bruce’s most trusted partners; he’s the smart Robin, the tactician, the loyal one, and so if Batman brought him along then it means he’s at least a little bit worried about shit hitting the fan and wants one his advisors around. But the combined brain power of Bruce and Tim is pretty much unmatched (DC plot armor for the win), so everything will be fine, basically. Superman might take a hit, but everything’s going to be fine. Just keep calm and you’ll all make it home in time to Door Dash some Panda Express before it closes. So not that fucked.

It starts to get serious after that. When Signal and Spoiler roll up the scene, shit has definitely hit the fan. Batman’s worried enough to call in reinforcements and he’s probably doubting the League’s ability to listen/obey his orders, so he needs a backup plan in case things go really south. But with Signal’s abilities and Steph’s superpower of turning anything into a joke, chances are you’ll be okay. Maybe impaled or something, but okay. But still, fucked.

When Nightwing shows, the JL knows it’s starting to get dicey out on the field. See, Nightwing’s got his own team, his own issues—the fact that he set that all aside to help out his dad is cause for concern. On a scale from 1-10, they are at a 7. Above moderately fucked.

And… oh God. Black Bat? Most of the time the JL doesn’t even see her, but once she makes herself known and starts fighting alongside her siblings, they all start to silently freak out. Black Bat is a fucking machine and if she’s breaking a sweat trying to fight the Big Bad, things are definitely not going to go well. They start praying that Batman figures something out. They freak out. They are intrinsically fucked.

But God Forbid you catch sight of the Red Hood. The prodigal son is a legitimate killer, and if Batman’s letting him blow out brains then the JL knows he’s desperate. And a desperate Batman is not good. At all. They are definitely fucked.

[im-not-short-i-swear]

[im-not-short-i-swear]

FUCK THIS COUNTRY

[im-not-short-i-swear]

Headcannon that due to diligently monitoring the Wayne family’s media image, Alfred is chronically online, and as such, is constantly dropping slang into conversation like-

(Over the coms)

Batman: Alfred, what’s the update on the Arkham situation?

Alfred: *Ahem* Unfortunately sir, it is as they say- ‘we’re cooked’

Collective groans from Tim, Dick, and Jason over the coms

Batman: …Huh?

Jason: *muttering* I knew I should’ve stayed outa this one…

Damian: I don’t understand, what are we cooking?

Alfred: It’s giving ‘failure era’, sir-

Dick: Damn it!

Tim: We really are cooked

Damian: What does that -?

Alfred: It’s lowkey not-

Batman: In English Alfred. Please.

Alfred: *Sigh* My apologies, sir. The Joker has escaped.

[im-not-short-i-swear]

i feel like Tim's the kind of person to say random cryptic bullshit just to fuck with people psychologically. especially post-timestream, with his new Red Robin reputation.

Tim, sitting silently at the Batcomputer, working a case:

Dick, fifteen feet away training:

Tim, suddenly slowly turns to look at Dick: "They know." *walks out of the Cave*

Dick, terrified and trying to follow him: "Tim? What? Tim, what do you- Tim, Timmy, what do you mEAN-"

Jason and Tim on patrol:

Tim: "Do you see them, too?"

Jason: "Who?"

Tim: "Them, of course. They see all, but few see them." *points behind Jason, then slips into the shadows when he looks away*

Jason, seeing nothing, turning to find himself alone: "Tim, what the fuck-"

Batfam at movie night:

Tim halfway through: "They're watching." *again, leaves (for more popcorn, but the others don't know that)*

Everyone, thoroughly disturbed: "Tim, what the fuck does that mean get back here TIM EXPLAIN-"

[im-not-short-i-swear]

gotham rainy nights

i firmly believe in Duke doing silly things with his power

hiding under your dad's cape when it's pouring outside can be something very special + bat-rain-poncho, several years later

[im-not-short-i-swear]

HE’S PATHETIC! HE’S SOPPING WET! HE HASN’T SLEPT SINCE 1995! GO WATCH THE EDGE OF SLEEP ON AMAZON PRIME VIDEO!!!

[im-not-short-i-swear]

Headcanon that Jason never learned how to drive but kind of figured it out and drives alright. For the most part. Okay, he's not a good driver, and in all honesty, this is probably canon since I doubt he ever took driver's ed but here are some scenes to consider:

-----

Dick: The car in front of you is slowing down. Slow down. Jason slow down. JASON SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.

Jason: Okay! Okay! Calm down, it's hard to tell when the car in front of you is slowing down anyways.

Dick: Yeah that's why cars come with brake lights. You know, the things on the back of the car? That go off when the driver is breaking?

Jason: ...OH so that's what those mean.

-----

Jason: Damn this road is so dark, I genuinely cannot see.

Tim: Turn on your brights.

Jason: The what?

Tim: *sigh* Twist the stick thingy.

Jason: Oh my god have these been there the entire time?

-----

*Jason driving alone and fumbling with lots of different buttons and switches to try and find where the windshield wipers are in loony toones esc fashion*

-----

Damian (who is currently in drivers ed): You can turn left now.

Jason: You can only turn right on red.

Damian: Yeah but it's a one way onto another one way. You can turn left in red.

Jason: This feels illegal.

Damian: I promise you it isn't.

-----

Damian (before he took drivers ed): Aren't we suppose to exit at some point?

Jason (currently on his third lap around the roundabout): Yeah I'm just... Scared.