im-good--thanks - Tumblr blog

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[im-good--thanks]

validation ✨

we love feeling dizzy from not eating

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I love the feeling of not having eaten anything :)

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[im-good--thanks]

It’s almost 2pm. I woke up at 11, came downstairs made some coffee which ended sucking. Like I don’t know what’s happening lately but this fresh ground coffee which I used to love is just tasting so eh lately. Even with my favorite Chobani creamer, it’s just not the same. So I dumped out most of it. I had half a bottle of a Light & Fit yogurt smoothie and that’s it so far. 

We had a “healthy” dinner last night. The chicken was baked and my Aunt made extra so we could have left overs today, she was talking about chicken salad and it’s been on my mind since I woke up. 

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling hungry which scared the shit out of me because I’m not supposed to feel hungry. It disappeared throughout the day thank god but then last night as I was going to bed.. same thing. I couldn’t tell this morning if it happened again but I’m currently I don’t feel anything which is good.

This is so random but I used to hate brushing my teeth and then eating breakfast cause like I just feel so nice and clean right after brushing them and then it gets ruined when I eat. Probably a factor on me skipping breakfast a lot. Anyways... I really wanted to make a small amount of chicken salad but I kept putting it off and debating it. Then I brushed my teeth and I was like well now I’m definitely not making it anytime soon. 

My Aunt & Uncle are out for an appointment and I was tempted to run upstairs and step on their scale but no. Once was enough while I was down here. I saw a nice new low number but I don’t know if it’s accurate so I don’t want to keep fucking around. I’m going to continue having a low intake, especially since I go back to work on Friday and will need to really make sure I have fuel in me for energy. So these next few days, I need to really scale it back. 

So for today I’ll save actually eating for dinner tonight. When they get back from their appointment I’ll tell them I had some of my left over pasta for lunch. They’re too old to actually notice and also no one would suspect that I’d be lying about all this. A part of me just now was like hmmm should I go throw some of it in the trash to make the leftover look less and should I leave a dirty plate in the sink? I don’t think they’d notice the “no evidence part”.. Hmmm maybe I should

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I feel like I ate too much for dinner. I know that’s not the case. I didn’t finish my plate, left a little bit of everything. I ate most of the chicken, left a lot of couscous and had a piece of broccoli.

I don’t always follow the rule of not finishing it. Sometimes, depending on what it is and how lightheaded I feel, sometimes I’ll finish the whole thing. Usually a granola bar. It’s been a while since I finished the whole plate or the whole frozen meal. 

I talked to my therapist a while back about how when I eat it’s usually in like less than 5 minutes. I don’t mindfully eat and I don’t want to draw the process out. She suggested me taking my full break at work to eat, to slow down...

Well I’m not at work right now, I’m on vacation but she sure would love how long I’m taking now to eat. And it’s not for the reasons she wants. It hasn’t happened a lot, honestly just a few times in the past couple days but I’ve noticed when I have a plate of food in front of me, I’m staring at it, pushing it around, taking small bites, really prolonging the process. Waiting for them to be preoccupied so I can jump up and go to the kitchen to toss it in the trash. 

This mornings breakfast. One scrambled egg with some cheese and half a biscuit. I pushed the eggs together, had a few bites of those. Had a few bites of the biscuit and that was it. It feels good to toss it in the trash. For dinner I was going to “save the rest for later” an excuse if anyone saw my plate but instead it went in the trash. 

Thank god we were sitting in the living room and spaced out. If we had been sitting at the table they definitely would have commented on my plate. The restriction has gotten worse since I’ve been down here. Partly because I’m not at work so who cares about needing fuel to work. But when I go back home I’m already planning on not picking up overtime, just going to work 3 days a week. Obviously when I’m at work I’ll be eating enough so I don’t pass out but I’m worried. I used to tell myself I wasn’t going to pick up overtime cause I needed a break and didn’t want to burn myself out. Now I don’t want overtime cause I want to be alone as much as possible, away from people and easily able to self sabotage at home. 

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I’m not trying to avoid any feelings or use this as a way to cover up trauma. I’m literally overweight and I need to lose weight. It’s that simple. I’m not delusional enough to think I don’t deserve food. I know I “deserve it”. I know my body “needs” it. But right now I need to lose weight. I need to see the scale be lower. I need to feel lighter. I need to continue to do this one thing right for once in my life. I’m overweight. I need to lose weight. Period.

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Love that nobody is questioning why I'm losing so much weight in such little time... Nothing. Nada.

They saw a fat person lose weight and gave them a pat on the back. While saying "good job" and "keep up the good work", as I start to get headaches and feel myself getting dizzy.

Yes, great job as I continue to form this unhealthy relationship with food. Can't wait for them to realize what they encouraged.

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I’m convincing myself that it’s possible for my body to lose 6lbs in 8 days because of water weight… now I just need to NOT step on the scale the second I get home and wait until the next morning. Cause the scale in the afternoon is probably not as accurate as the scale in the morning. But I also know from weighing myself multiple times per day that it could also not even move so maybe the afternoon will be accurate?

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The body dsymorphia is getting really bad. I’m staring at more photos I took and I can see a big difference especially in my face but then I compare it to past photos and I still see a big person and so much work left to do. 

One second I’m picking apart everything wrong and the next I’m in total shock that that’s actually me???

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I had a dream the scale was 4lbs less than the last time. It’s weird not being able to weigh myself every day or even multiple times per day for that matter.

For the last couple weeks it’s become such a system. Wake up, pee, strip naked, step on scale. Even during the day after going to the bathroom. Coming home from work and seeing the same number as that morning and for sure knowing the next day would have to be lower.

Somehow sometimes the scale is lower after a shower?? My hair isn’t 100% dry, a little damp, but still. In my mind I’d think the skin might absorb some water and cause my weight to increase. Maybe the hot water shrinks cells??? I probably sound like a complete moron because scales are stupid and can change all the time. Just moving it to different parts of the bathroom and it can change. Like the scale is stupid. Period.

But it doesn’t change the fact that when that number is lower I’m instantly put in a good mood. I can achieve anything that day. Nothing anyone says or does can ruin my day because the scale is lower and I am doing something right.

That sounds a lot like my old self harm. Starting the day with fresh self harm from the night before and I’d feel invincible. Nothing anyone said or did could hurt me cause I already hurt myself.

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I think I’m fucked.

I just laid on the bedroom floor to try some sit ups for the first time in a long time and I noticed a thigh gap forming. So I grabbed my phone, stripped off to just my underwear and took some photos of my stomach and legs.

Looking at these 3 photos I know I’m fucked. I’ve felt my bones and my concave stomach for a while now. I’ve striped in front of the mirror and weighed myself multiple times a day. But now I have these 3 magical photos that are a constant reminder of all the hard work I’ve done. These photos are amazing! It’s crazy to think where I started.

But these photos also highlight the areas that still need work. These photos will remind me to keep going while simultaneously congratulating me at the same time. I can’t believe I look like this at my current weight. I can only imagine what I’m going to look like when I lose another 25lbs and get to my goal weight (which will probably change). The crazy thing… that goal weight of mine is most peoples highest weight…

These photos made me so happy but now I’m feeling incredibly sad. Because I know I’m fucked. I know I’m going to screw everything up. I worked so hard to get to this point with my body. I am NEVER ever going back to the size I was before. I will NEVER look like that again. I still have those photos as well.

I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder… yet. But I know I am heading down the path to being diagnosed with one. And I am trying to not beat myself up over it as if I’m “choosing it” because I know it’s been a long time coming. I know I’ve struggled with disordered eating and bad body image before I ever started losing weight. And after all the weight loss the body dysmorphia developed as well. In fact I keep forgetting about it but 3 years ago when I was last inpatient (psych) I was struggling with all this and the residential I stepped down to afterward I was talking to the eating disorder specialist there. It was a short term residential so I was never diagnosed with anything or able to work on that sort of thing but still.

I guess my point is, is that all this *crap* isn’t new. It’s just been stewing about for a while, with periods of intensity and then disappearing for awhile. But it’s back now and it’s the worst best it’s ever been. I’m not stopping. Which means I need to scale it back in therapy. Not give away too many secrets. Not give away how bad this all really is. Not yet.

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I. Don’t. Want. My. Thighs. To. Touch.

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No offense but I’m really uncomfortable in my body and I want to rip my skin off

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Saw XX6.2 yesterday and back up to XX7.3 today. No biggie. Especially since I went to the store, tried on a pair of jeans and I’m now a size smaller!!

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My weights been the same all day... Woke up to XX7.3! Not a huge change, just -.2 but I’ll take it! Especially since I haven’t gone to the bathroom in days. But that finally happened today. My intake was a lot more today than these past days. In total it’s been 3 Uncrustables (630), frozen kid meal (less than 220), some sweet potato chips (?), 3 cookies (160).

After all that, going to the bathroom and my weight still staying the same I decided it was okay to have a mac n cheese cup (220) and because I took the shot today and tomorrow is going to be better I let myself finish the cup.

I think the scale will be lower tomorrow. I hope so but honestly scales suck so who knows....