im-a-disease-nobody-wants

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

It's Been Five Years

10.25.2022 It's been five years, I have accepted myself most days. I use my diagnosis as an excuse at times. But have I put myself in this box where my standards have become unreachable? I have been single 4 years now and I haven't found anyone worth my time and effort. Is it me? Or is it the entire male population? I can't blame an entire population, so it has to be me. The dating world has lost it's class. How do I find my worth, lift the walls that are preventing me from moving forward, and find someone that I am not settling for. I don't know what to do.

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

What Do I Do When I Can’t Have You?

8.19.19 After 2 years, I still can’t get out of my head. As soon as I start to accept myself and everything about me. I decide I am ready to take things to the next level. I remember that I have to disclose and I go 10 steps back and start to doubt myself. I have been single for 8 months and the thought of sex with anyone is disgusting. For some reason, I can’t get out of my head about it. I am so scared to get something else. I don’t know what I would do. I wouldn’t be able to stand the rejection. It was hard enough trying to date and not having any serious problems. But NOW, I don’t think I could live with myself if something else were to happen to me. So I choose to stay alone. No surprises, no regrets. I am absolutely terrified of getting “cooties” from dating. Either they know and don’t tell me or they don’t know and I get “blessed”, I am not looking forward to any of it.  I don’t think I could ever be able to cope. I wouldn’t want to be here anymore.

I know there are people out there like me. I know there are people out there that can accept me for all my ailments and quirks but the problem is rejection. I don’t handle it well. I am able to take honesty. But I end up beating myself up about it, because it happens, time and time again to the point that it gets old. It makes me doubt myself, and my self-worth.  and feel like something is wrong with me. Especially when I am working and business is slow. I feel like I am incompetent when everyone around me is making money and I am taking pennies to get by. I have been single since he cheated on me. I haven’t tried dating because I can’t seem to accept myself. “If you don't love yourself, you won't be happy with yourself. If you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. You can't give the love you do not have.”  The thought of sex has disgusted me, yet it’s a profession. I have found peace and acceptance of my body and all my ailments and it has taken time for me to learn to live with it – but I didn’t have much of a choice. I feel like dating, I have a choice to an extent. If I choose not to date, then I won’t get anything. If I choose to start dating and I try to be more than careful, there is always that possibility of getting screwed over.

I have thought about going back to you. It’s safe and you have always accepted me for me even when I couldn’t accept myself. But you were toxic, poison. You just made things worse and now I am finally grieving the loss of the freedom that was taken away from me.

But you have now come back into my life. You are my safety net, I have never had to worry about you. I always knew where we stood and I always knew that I couldn’t have more. That was the original agreement. But times have changed and now there are feelings, there have always been feelings. At one point I was falling for you, I know I could fall for you again. But I don’t want to get attached because I don’t want to get hurt again. I just want to take things slow and see where things go, because I am not ready to make those types of commitments again. I am not ready to be disappointed by someone again.

 But I also know I can’t have you. So what do I do? 

How do I get out of my head if I am stuck here?

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

You are my addiction

Your love is my drug.

You are my weakness.

You will kill me if I refuse to set you free.

I need an intervention, I need to go cold turkey, but I lose myself.

I lose all free will.

You are my best friend, my lover, my weakness.

You are my addiction, but I somehow can't let go.

I have lost all free will

You are the death of me.

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

Yet you came anyways…

2/1/2019

You took advantage of me.

You knew I wasn’t in the mood.

You knew I wasn’t into it.

Yet you came anyway.

The entire time I wondered if you knew.

If you knew I wasn’t into it.

At the end of it all,

You knew,

Yet you came anyways.

You took advantage of me.

Even telling you, I wasn’t in the mood,

That I wanted you to go home,

I even shielded myself as you tried to enter me.

But you pulled my arms away as I tried to shield my body

and took me anyways.

I wanted to forgive you, maybe you didn’t know

Then when I confronted you,

You knew

Yet you took me anyways.  

You knew my history

You knew my past

You knew what I had been through before

You knew…

Yet you took me anyways.

I wish I had tried harder

I feel like it is somehow my fault because I didn’t push you off me.

That I didn’t try hard enough.

But I know it wasn’t my fault. 

I was just someone you could take advantage of and everything would be ok.

But I am not ok.

Thanks to you, I can’t even trust the people I care about with my own body.

You did this to me, like the others.

Yet you took advantage of me anyways. 

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

I’m just tired of it all

Here is a rant that most people know about me. I don't really know who to talk to but because we share something in common I figured it would be ok.

My medical history has always been complicated. I was diagnosed at a really young age with PCOD (poly-cystic ovarian disease). I have very problematic periods. it got to the point where I had to skip work a couple times because the pain was intolerable due to secondary dysmenorrhea. Nothing would help. At one point I was on 1500 mg of Ibuprofen and it still wasn't helping.

I got out of a really abusive relationship and I ended up hooking up with a guy that I believe gave me H. I went to an urgent care to get diagnosed because my ob-gyn wouldn't have availability for almost a month. It got to the point where I couldn't tolerate the pain any more and I couldn't help but go to an Urgent care. I got diagnosed three days after my 24th birthday.

Well during my appointment with my Ob-gyn, she told me I was too big for my age and that I was pre-diabetic. She told me to change my diet, lose weight and maybe I could defeat the odds. I lost 30lbs in a few months, I had some tests taken and found out that I am diabetic. Besides having diabetes run in my dads side of the family and PCOD is a hormone imbalance that causes insulin resistance. I produce too much insulin that my body doesn't know what to do with and converts it to sugar. As a result, people with PCOS/PCOD are more prone to have diabetes and rapid weight gain. I had lost 50lbs in 8 months. I recently gave up because it doesn't matter how much I lose I can't seem to get rid of diabetes.

Along with being diagnosed with diabetes, I was also told that I had abnormal cells during my pap. Next week I have my annual to see if my abnormal cells have cleared up, if not it may be HPV or something else.

For the past three or four months, I have had severe nausea and acid reflux. To the point where I couldn't come to work because I would throw up my food. I even quit my make up business because I didn't have the energy to keep trying.

For the longest time I thought maybe I was pregnant due to my symptoms. but people with PCOD have a an extremely hard time getting pregnant but as well all know it just takes 1. I have already had 2 miscarriages, but that is extremely common for women with PCOS/PCOD. I had taken numerous pregnancy tests and they were all negative. I went to a GI doctor and found out it was possibly GERD or Gastritis. I had an endoscopy done and the results were mild gastritis. I had a gastric release study done yesterday. I got my results back today while at work and I have something called Gastroparesis where the stomach muscles aren't working right to move food through the digestive system.

The cause of Gastroparesis is diabetes. So now I need to see a dietitian and an endocrinologist to get my diabetes in check to help with my symptoms.

I am so tired of being sick. I am so tired of having problems. I can't go back to school full time or get another job because when I am stressed I get an outbreak and flare ups. Yet I can't better my self or make more money to afford my doctors appointments because I have too many problems that correlate with stress.

I saw someone say that they have been having a rough couple months because she had a miscarriage. I am so sorry she was going through that, but I have also been having a rough time. I have had a really rough year and it hasn't been getting better. There seems to be something wrong every single time I go to the doctor.

I am supposed to go to the gym during my lunch break but I am so fed up with trying. It doesn't even feel worth it right now. I know things will get better and they usually do but right now I am ready to give up...

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

Maybe, Just Maybe

4/18/2018

It’s good to know that you were all talk than a friend. Gives me more of a perspective on who my real friends are. Even though I was looking out for you. You would call me at least 6 times a day because you knew I would be there for you, because you needed a friend. What about me when I needed a friend? Because of the distance, you couldn’t devote your time to someone other than yourself?

You would brag about how well your friends spoke about you, but I never saw that from you. You knew I liked you, that I cared for you. So you used that to convince me to be my friend. I kept my feelings to myself because you had friend zoned me. I respected that, but I still looked out for you. Yet I get nothing in return. You are right, I am too trusting because I believe everyone deserves a chance no matter how bad their past was. A past doesn’t make up a person.

I just feel like this whole interaction between you and I has been one sided and forced. I tried so hard that I see it now as a waste of time. Nothing will come out of this because you won’t get laid. Even though I promised you more than what your “friends” could offer you. I feel used, betrayed, tossed around.

Maybe it’s not my virus that scares off people.

Maybe it’s me as a person.

Maybe I am too nice.

Maybe I let people walk all over me.

Maybe I am too trusting.

Maybe I expect too much from people.

I am starting to think people just don’t like me as a person.

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

It’s not fair!

I don’t think you realized you were hurting me until it was too late. When I cried on the phone with you for over three hours to explain how unfair it was. You claim you avoided me to avoid losing me. Yet, I wanted to do so much for you and you wouldn’t even give me the chance. Nor would you ever do anything for me. I gave you a chance to show me your worth and you couldn’t do the same for me. How is that fair? I wanted to commit to you, I wanted so much more from you. I waited for you. I canceled plans for you. Nevertheless, I had to beg for more and still I get nothing in return. How is that fair?

 Then when I tell you, you are OK in be. I was more focused on you accepting me, than getting off; you tell me that you want to stick around and help me out. How is that even fair? After 7 months, you didn't think about whether this was benefiting me or not? You didn't even try to figure out what I wanted. But I gave you plenty of opportunities to come around. To help me out, to spend time with me. However, you thought it was best to ignore me so that you wouldn’t lose me. How does that even make sense?

 If you wanted to be with me, you should have shown me. I shouldn’t have stuck around for so long. I shouldn’t have waited for things to get better. Things were never going to get better. I was so frustrated and miserable and you tell me you deserve me leaving you. Damn, right you do! After all the hurt you caused me! Then you want to tell me that you will be there for me, and we can still sleep together. Then how do you deserve me leaving you if you still want me around?

 You tell me you are going to a dark space and that worries me, I see it as a cry for help. But when I try to help you, you tell me that you have a migraine. Can I not do anything right? I still care about you; I am still concerned about your well-being. Are you testing the limits, to see how far I will go? To see how long I will stay. I wanted to stay friends and you told me you would disappear as time goes on to make it easier for us to heal. Yet you want to stick around. I don’t know what to do. I thought I did the right thing by letting you go, but you won't let me let go.

 None of this is fair. You can't do this to me again.

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

Realization through isolation

2.20.2018

I have come to a few realizations within the last few days.  

I am in control of my own happiness. I can’t force someone to make me happy. People can contribute to my happiness but I am ultimately the only one that is in control of my happiness.

I need to realize I can’t change people. People don’t completely change, no matter how much they want to. They can change certain aspects about themselves. But they can’t completely change their personality. No matter how much they want to. I need to either learn how to accept people for who they are or disassociate myself from them. If I disassociated myself from everyone that has stood me up or has been a complete asshole to me, then there would be 5 people in my life. Life is about finding common ground and compromise.

What if I am the only one that has ever compromised?

Have I been completely selfless? Or have I been taken advantage of?

I isolate myself because people are disappointing and unreliable. I really want to disassociate myself from everyone, but I am too social for that. I know my depression will lurk deeper within my bones and eventually consume me if I completely isolate myself.

Maybe I need to focus on myself. I know I need to focus on myself.

I have been focusing on myself for 7 months, how much longer do I need to focus on myself before the need to isolate myself subsides.

How long will it take before I feel normal?

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

Everyday I need to remind myself not to be ashamed of my past. But since I have shared my past, I have inspired everyone I know.

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

Past Present and Future

2/12/2018

Guilt overwhelms me.

Anxiety causes my depression.

I am reminded of my first time and all the emotions flood back.

I think I did it again.

I am so careless.

But you let me be.

Should I feel guilty because this was your choice?

I can’t help it.

I need to remind myself I am not free.

Things have changed.

I need to resist temptations.

I am chained to my past, until I can control myself. 

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

Untold Resentment

2/8/2018

It all started when I accidently told you I loved you.

I was drunk, I was hurting, I was bitter. I was ready to move on.

I thought you were too good for me. Handsome, young, and smart.

I realized I was too good for you.

You were possessive, controlling, overwhelming.

I was happier single than when I was with you.

There was never a moment when I thought I was happy and couldn’t get happier.

I wanted nothing more than for you to never come back.

I couldn’t wait for things to be over. But I couldn’t leave…

The abuse was the only way for me to distract myself from the hurt.

I still loved him even after all those years.

I didn’t want to be alone, in fear I would fall back into depression.

I distanced myself so you would leave me.

But you didn’t, you waited for me to leave you.

I was finding peace and self-acceptance, until she texted me.

I treated you better than you deserved.

But you lied and cheated.

Does she know of your abusive tendencies?

Does she know it gets worse when you are drunk?

Does she know you used to rape me?

Do you have her fooled like you did me?

You are a poor excuse of a man.

I regret you.

I appreciate the lesson you taught me.

I hate you.

I am happy.

I am at peace. 

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

Never Give up - SIA

Do what you gotta do. Life is hard, but you have to keep fighting to stay afloat. 

I've battled demons that won't let me sleep Called to the sea but she abandoned me But I won't never give up, no, never give up, no, no No, I won't never give up, no, never give up, no, no And I won't let you get me down I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh I won't let you get me down I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh Oh yeah, I'm haunted by the distant past Called to the skies but she was overcast But I won't never give up, no, never give up, no, no No, I won't never give up, no, never give up, no, no And I won't let you get me down I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh I won't let you get me down I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh Never give up, never give up Never give up, never give up No, no, oooh And I won't let you get me down I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh I won't let you get me down I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

The Greatest - SIA

Life is about being the greatest you can be. So you do what you have to do to get to where you need to be. Its going to take motivation, perseverance, and dedication. But the journey is worth it in the end. 

Uh-oh, running out of breath, but I Oh, I, I got stamina Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes Well, oh, I got stamina And uh-oh, I see another mountain to climb But I, I, I got stamina Uh-oh, I need another lover, be mine Cause I, I, I got stamina Don't give up, I won't give up Don't give up, no no no Don't give up, I won't give up Don't give up, no no no I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive I'm free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest The greatest, the greatest alive The greatest, the greatest alive Well, uh-oh, running out of breath, but I Oh, I, I got stamina Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes But, oh, I got stamina And oh yeah, running through the waves of love But I, I got stamina And oh yeah, I'm running and I've just enough And uh-oh, I got stamina Don't give up, I won't give up Don't give up, no no no Don't give up, I won't give up Don't give up, no no no I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive I'm free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest The greatest, the greatest alive The greatest, the greatest alive Oh-oh, I got stamina Oh-oh, I got stamina Oh-oh, I got stamina Oh-oh, I got stamina [Kendrick Lamar:] Hey, I am the truth Hey, I am the wisdom of the fallen - I'm the youth Hey, I am the greatest Hey, this is the proof Hey, I work hard, pray hard, pay dues, hey I transform with pressure - I'm hands-on with effort I fell twice before my bounce back was special Letdowns will get you, and the critics will test you But the strong will survive, another scar may bless you, ah [Sia (Kendrick Lamar):] Don't give up (no no), I won't give up (no no) Don't give up, no no no (nah) Don't give up, I won't give up Don't give up, no no no [Sia:] I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive I'm free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest The greatest, the greatest alive (Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up, no no no) The greatest, the greatest alive (Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up, no no no) The greatest, the greatest alive (Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up; I got stamina) The greatest, the greatest alive (Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up; I got stamina) The greatest, the greatest alive (Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up; I got stamina) The greatest, the greatest alive (Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up; I got stamina) The greatest, the greatest alive (Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up; I got stamina) The greatest, the greatest alive (Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up; I got stamina) The greatest, the greatest alive (Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up; I got stamina) The greatest, the greatest alive (Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up; I got stamina)

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

You Don’t Own ME - Grace

I am independent. 

I am my own person. 

You are your own person.

So it is only fair that neither one of us tells the other what to do. 

We are equals. 

Neither one of us, will be more than the other. 

He will not use H to take advantage of me. 

Just because he gave it to me doesn’t mean he has control over me. 

I am my own person. 

You are the fool. 

You don't own me You don't own me [G-Eazy:] Well, let's go But I'm Gerald and I can always have just what I want She's that baddest I would love to flaunt Take her shopping, you know Yves Saint Laurent But nope, she ain't with it though All because she got her own dough Boss bossed if you don't know She could never ever be a broke hoe You don't own me I'm not just one of your many toys You don't own me Don't say I can't go with other boys Don't tell me what to do And don't tell me what to say Please, when I go out with you Don't put me on display You don't own me Don't try to change me in any way You don't own me Don't tie me down cause I'd never stay Don't tell me what to do And don't tell me what to say Please, when I go out with you Don't put me on display [G-Eazy:] Re-really though, honestly I get bored of basic (No) She's the baddest, straight up vicious, texting her asking her If she's alone and if she'd sent some pictures, she said no (what) Well goddamn, she said come over and see it for yourself Never asking for your help, independent woman She ain't for the shelf Nah, she's the one Smoke with her till the (Ahh) Stayin' up until we see the sun Baddest ever, I swear she do it better than I've ever seen it done Never borrow, she ain't ever loan That's when she told me she ain't never ever ever ever gonna be owned I don't tell you what to say I don't tell you what to do So just let me be myself That's all I ask of you I'm young and I love to be young And I'm free and I love to be free To live my life the way I want To say and do whatever I please Huh! Hey! Ohh-oh noo Ohh Noo no-oh Hell No no no-ooh Don't, you don't Hey! (You don't own me) But just know (nah), you never met somebody like me before tho (Nah nah nah nah nah nah) (You don't own me) Easy. You don't own me

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

I knew him forever in a minute (hey) (That summer night in June) And papa says he got malo in him (uh) He got me feelin' like Ooh-ooh-ooh, I knew it when I met him I loved him when I left him

This is just kinda my mood right now. But I know what I have to do if I need to snap out of it. 

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

Elastic Heart - SIA

Just another beautiful song by Sia.

But this song kinda reminds me of my dating life. I suck at it. It reminds me of my previous relationships, reminds me of the bad stuff that has happened in my life. But my goal this year is to put all that behind me and keep moving forward. I will do what it takes to make me happy.

And another one bites the dust Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one Wanted to fight this war without weapons And I wanted it, I wanted it bad But there were so many red flags Now another one bites the dust Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one You did not break me I'm still fighting for peace Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart, But your blade—it might be too sharp I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard, Yeah, I may snap and I move fast But you won't see me fall apart 'Cause I've got an elastic heart I've got an elastic heart Yeah, I've got an elastic heart And I will stay up through the night And let's be clear, won't close my eyes And I know that I can survive I'll walk through fire to save my life And I want it, I want my life so bad I'm doing everything I can Then another one bites the dust It's hard to lose a chosen one You did not break me (You did not break me, no) I'm still fighting for peace Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart, But your blade—it might be too sharp I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard, Yeah, I may snap and I move fast But you won't see me fall apart 'Cause I've got an elastic heart Oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh Oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh [2x:] Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart, But your blade—it might be too sharp I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard, Yeah, I may snap and I move fast But you won't see me fall apart 'Cause I've got an elastic heart I've got an elastic heart

[im-a-disease-nobody-wants]

Chandelier - SIA

I never partied this hard, but it does bring back memories to when I was I was in College and I would go out and party, sleep a couple hours then have to be at work or school in the morning. Either I was still drunk or hung over, but I didn’t care as long as I sobered up  by the end of the day.

There are days when I wouldn’t mind just going out and going crazy but subconsciously I know I couldn’t. I don’t like being hung over  (who does), but my body has a limit. I prefer getting drunk at home and playing board games or card games. That sounds like a great time to me. 

I love this song but it brings back memories. 

Party girls don't get hurt Can't feel anything, when will I learn I push it down, push it down I'm the one "for a good time call" Phone's blowin' up, ringin' my doorbell I feel the love, feel the love 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink Throw 'em back, till I lose count I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist Like it doesn't exist I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight On for tonight Sun is up, I'm a mess Gotta get out now, gotta run from this Here comes the shame, here comes the shame 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink Throw 'em back till I lose count I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist Like it doesn't exist I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight On for tonight On for tonight 'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight On for tonight On for tonight 'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight 'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight On for tonight On for tonight