ilylola-blog

[ilylola-blog]

God

I'm sick and tired of trying to live

I'm tired of living like this

All my life I've had this face

This gesture

Of bitterness

It really makes my life bitter

Everyone is so false

Stupid

My very existence

Is empty

All humans are made to be

To be born

To grow

Reproduce

And die

What's the use of being born if all I did to my father and mother was to ruin their lives with more problems?

Sometimes I didn't even talk about how I felt

With the looks of my relatives

The way they touched me...

I'm sick of these people

Of the humans

I'm sick and tired of them making me hurt others

What's the use of growing up if all I had to endure was humiliation, abuse, harassment and all because of my body.

Am I so ugly?

Am I so pretty?

What's the use of maturing and developing

if the only thing I wanted was to keep playing with my dolls, not to be noticed if my breasts were big.

all I wanted was to have friends

they all looked down on me

they pulled my hair

since elementary school I've been an object of ridicule

I guess it will always be like that, won't it?

Why doesn't anyone notice how much their comments affected me?

What good does it do me to reproduce if all men want from me is company?

What I want, need and long for is to have a family with a man who loves me.

I think I have him

But I don't know if he really wants to see me that way, I guess I disgust him now.

I can't imagine how disgusted he'll be to see me like that

and pregnant, I'd like to be

I would like to be one of those beautiful mothers someday

What I am sure of is that I will love my baby the way I was never loved in my childhood.

if his daddy doesn't love him, I will

he will be a fruit of the love I had for him and that makes me happy.

I hope when I go to give birth my baby will be born and I can die.

I don't want to stress my own baby with my tears.

I don't want to be like my mom and reproach my baby for things that he doesn't have to know about.

I don't want to be my mom

I want to have a family and love each other

Show everyone that I'm happy

Being a mom would fill the emptiness I've always felt

Maybe that's the purpose I've always searched for

That's my purpose

What's the use of dying if in the end I'm going to fail the people who made me love life, those I promised to smile again and have reason to go on, I'm going to fail them all even with my death

I'm so insignificant, my existence is just another one in the pile.

I am a woman

Stupid

Nefarious

And of course, all that I've always been told

The typical "stupid blonde" who is only pretty but not intelligent.

A "whore" to all men, even the men in my family.

A "slut"

A "liar".

A person.

God, just give me one more reason to be here.

I wish my loneliness was you and you would be with me always…

That you would give all those I love and adore that which they so much desire

Happiness

To feel alive

Calm

Complete

Health

Love

Company...

In exchange for the happiness of others I give you my life

with my death.

26/12/24

[ilylola-blog]

Why is everyone so cruel to me? I just want to be loved

Maybe I should never have been born

I should never have been myself

I should never have spoken

I should always keep quiet

"The quiet ones look prettier."

Maybe this way everyone can love me

By being pretty

Quiet

Playing dumb just to get them to like me

People with empty brains

I'm sick of being the only one who understands me, who understands them, who understands everything

I always understand

Loneliness is the only one who understands me

Doesn't judge me

Doesn't make me cry

But I hate being alone so much

I must keep quiet forever.

28/12/24