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Crazy Thoughts #3: Innocence and Purity

It is weird to think little children are innocent, pure angels that descend from the sky. They are all very much capable of doing terrible things like any other human being in this world if we let them. These little babies still have all of the universal traits we grownups have. Put into the right situation they are capable of all the terrible things we do. We try so hard to protect them from further “corruption” or really the process of growing up. We hope they stay the innocent angel they are when we all know that in time they will grow up and lose it. This innocence we speak of though, is not all that innocent as it is still based on the same behavior. They are still driven by their desires to eat, drink and play. It is almost amazing how quickly they pick up on how they should act to get the things they want. I think we all have to sort of change our behaviors in someway to get what we want or to get people to like us, increasing our survival rate. We are made to cater to our selfish needs while trying not to hurt others or displease them. At the end though it is a reward vs consequence type of thing, how much it means to us and is the consequence not too troublesome. Innocence is a form of hope that many of us choose to believe in, that child whom we love very much must carry this burden as we try our very hardest to raise them without experiencing the pain and horrible acts we have done and felt. Generally, purity is innocence but how can something be necessarily pure? Most of us know that human nature is neither good or bad but rather it is in conjunction to our survival much like other animals when they munch on their food. So then how can we see our babies as pure, making it sound as if they are good? We all have hopes for our children and other children; these expectations however are unfounded because they tend to be unrealistic. After all we are all subject to making mistakes and some of these mistakes will be made over and over. The wrongdoings such as lying is especially true as we all do it to some extent in our daily lives, whether if its too strangers and even close friends. However, we get a bit angry when we find out these little angels are capable of that as well and we sort of expect them to never lie. I always wonder why we sometimes have higher expectations for our kids than ourselves. Its unfair and yet it is technically better for them if we do it right. I find it too often that parents love to place their redemption on their children. TBH

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I have known people who are willing to give up anything for the sake of their pride: friends, love and even family. Overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer

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It takes one’s own pain and experience to know forgiveness, one who strips himself of his pride ~~~

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True ,yet people also fail to realize this and some people replace sometimes to always as they expect results in a few days ~~~

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Book #1: “’The Kite Runner’: Sin of Pride” by Khaled Hosseini

This story explains pride extremely well ,within the multifaceted book, telling us the turmoils of a boy, Amir. While Amir’s mother died before the story even began, Amir is the son of a rather wealthy family and his dad is well known throughout his neighborhood, in Afghanistan. Sorrowfully, in the wake of religious tensions and class distinctions, Baba, as Amir would call him, hid a deep secret from everyone except Rahim Khan his business partner. Hassan, Amir’s half brother, is a descendant of The Hazaras and due to his illegitimacy, Baba kept his birth a secret from both his sons to protect his reputation. Instead, Baba keeps Hassan as a servant under Ali, keeping an impression that Ali is Hassan’s father as it is possible since Baba had the affair with Ali’s late wife. Not realizing he was sterile, Ali accepts Hassan as his son and loves him as one. Through the reminder of the story we see Amir making choices of his own because of his cowardliness and eventually kicks Hassan out of his own home. As such many horrible events unfold and we find Amir to be the only one alive and healthy at the end of the story among the early set of characters. In setting out to redeem himself of his actions toward Hassan and Baba’s, Amir saves the only child of Hassan left in the hands of a old villian, Assef. In the end, Amir brings Sohrab back to America to live in peace, finally exempting himself from the guilt that his past has caused him.

Pride is everywhere in this story as it comes up very often in the form of tradition, religion, and culture. The culture of the Afghans are built upon pride as Baba says a man’s most important elements was their nang and namoos. Which in turn these words turn into pride and dignity ,yet it is pride that started all of this terrible ordeal that both Baba and his son had to go through: the path of redemption. Even Rahim Khan, the one seen kinder was hiding the secret for Baba’s sake. Many of the traditions were also held to the idea of pride as when Amir arrived at Wahid’s place when he first went to Pakistan, the Wahid gave him the last bits of food that his family needed all in the name of pride. There is also the notion of we the Afghan people only do this and this is demonstrated by Amir’s father-in-law, his insistence on following the traditions of marriage. Pride is so prevalent in men that females are utterly stripped of it because they were almost treated like second class citizens serving their husbands. Religion is pride in disguise, as people adhere to a single belief that they believe in almost blindly leading to deaths and persecution against certain types of people. Such pride causes huge rifts between people causes unnecessary war and hatred. In the story, the sin of pride is prevalent and without it maybe all this stuff would have never happened. Amir’s jealousy of Hassan would have never been as intense as to let him be raped to get the acceptance of Baba. Hassan would have never suffered his entire life if Baba was not so protective of his image and ego. Wars of religious faith would not be instigated at this grand of a scale nor would the Hazaras be systematically discriminated against. All in the name of one’s own pride, own ego as to protect one’s world from exploding, their cowardice to face difficult question, their self perpetuated over-exaggeration of their purpose and destiny. Pride is one trait that both kills and protects such that pride in decency provide some sort of self-assertiveness while an overloading of it causes huge problems. Most of us are culprits of pride as many of us cherish our roots and is prideful of who we are, however, sometimes pride becomes this destructive force that fails to be noticed. Pride in some forms can turn into a form of overconfidence such that a prince might think he is worthy just because he is from a royal family. Because our sense of self is typically overblown or just wrong, one might be misguided by his sense of pride. I would say most people do not know who they themselves are and probably will never know that. A sense of pride in a self that is not real is dangerous when pride becomes the primary reason for neglect, violence, and pain. Amir’s pride leads him to believe his superiority to Hassan as multiple times he challenges him and teases him. His education and learning of literacy leads him to think even more so. Due to his pride, Amir believes that he deserves more love from Baba than Hassan and calls him a sacrifice needed to get the acceptance of Baba, the only moment when he agrees with Assef. Amir has always been proud of Baba and incidentally he becomes obsessed with the image of Baba he sees. At the end, when he finds out Baba lied to him, his pride finally fell as it then he also decided to face this problem head on himself. Finally poised to redeem both himself and Baba’s wrongdoings toward Hassan, he rightfully lets go of his pride even saying that Hassan deserved more than himself, calling Hassan Baba’s other self and the true self. All this is quite subtle however it becomes clear as jealousy is merely a form of pride and egoism. He was jealous because he believed he deserved it more than Hassan which in turn is a thought that turns into pride. 

Pride becomes so much a part of ourselves since we like to think well and good of ourselves. We very much need pride to function as humans but much of it distorts reality from the self. We all want to believe we are better than others or even better than 99% of people in this world. We would like to think we are more talented and we could perform better than anyone else in the world. This however causes such huge problems as all these thoughts are baseless. Its wishful thinking and also very dangerous. It creates this notion that there are classes of people better than others and these classes of people are so arrogant that they pushed down all those who they determine as unworthy. Pride is one of those well-advertised term that it is not seen as that bad of a trait. Pride kills, murders, and deceives. All of the wars in the past are either caused by lack of resources or the damaging of one’s pride. Take World War I or World War II, both of which was caused by nationalism, a war of race which in turn becomes a war of pride, a war where people think they are better than each other. There are many well set traditions and culture implications full of this pride stuff. It is inherent in us to adhere to who we believe we are but sometimes we have to step back and think about the consequences it leads to. Pride is almost the same as stubbornness as one cannot change the self when they believe the self is rigid, hard as stone, born a royal still a royal. Overwhelming pride makes it impossible for one to change and it stagnates the people, not very much motivating them to become better people. Pride is what we need to become who we are but it can so easily turn into illusion that pride must be handled with care. Pride is the brother or sister of arrogance and it becomes seriously prevalent for those who are higher in status. I think pride is almost a defense mechanism that protects us from having too low of a self-confidence level. Some might have even been convinced to be prideful of one’s weakness or bad trait and but shameful of one’s strength or good trait. Use it modestly and be wise with such emotion, pay attention to what it makes you think of others around you as with pride it is almost automatic that you might see less of someone because of your bullshit self-arrogance. It is only confidence when you see others as equals and arrogance when better and worse is inserted into the equation. The moment one believes one deserves or is better than another that becomes arrogance because the person does not consider the other person as a whole. No one knows another person by heart and neither have they gone through their difficulties. Even if one did no one really knows what he went through with his parents, his friends, or even his genetic makeup. This person might even just be good at other things and not this particular thing. I stand by that a person can’t judge another person of their ability accurately to which then why do we compare and why do we think we are better or worse than someone? Probably it is to make us feel better because we are too cowardly to admit some of these things as it makes us feel less of ourselves and makes us feel vulnerable. There is no necessarily better people or worse people but only those of the lucky and unlucky and maybe 10% self control. Those who are either born rich or poor, had good or bad teachers, had good or bad parents, had good or bad environment, had good or bad genes, had good or bad friends, had good or bad resources, whatever else left almost all is to the chance of luck. How can one really become so prideful when almost everything is either given to you by others or by the mere chance of luck because it still intrigues me to this very day. This goes into the thought of self-will we do not really know but even if self-will was in the equation it is only a modest 10 to 20 percent. The rest can be attributed to instincts, hormones, and how good your gene is for the modern civilization. Stay open minded and flexible as to not let pride consume you and I hope one day we can all overcome this part of us even if its just a little bit as merely acknowledging makes us more aware and forgiving. 

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Crazy Thoughts #2: “Family Bonds: The Hidden Side of Politics”

When we think of family, we usually don’t associate them with politics because within love there should be no politics. Love ,as we have come to know, is pure and its purity is what keeps our relations clean of overwhelming selfishness. The love prevents us from harming each other and gives room for compassion. It allows us to sacrifice, putting our loved ones over our own needs when necessary. Politics corrupts this love, as it slowly transform the relationship that is based on love into a type of business partnership. It removes the “I am doing this for you because I love you” to “I am doing this for you because it benefits me.” Now one may argue that technically all forms of relations are based off of mutual advantages but to believe this sort of philosophy turns a blind eye to the idea of love. Essentially this way of thinking prevents any actual love to exist. It discredits all types of love including familial love. I don’t particularly disagree with this idea but this poses a clear problem for us. If all relations are really just that we both benefit from each other then whats to become of the structure of relationships. How can we build relationships when people are getting out of it whenever they meet someone new that has more to offer? It also destroys virtues like loyalty and compassion since they all require are part of love. Anything virtuous becomes merely just for self gain if we reason it like that. I choose to believe a brighter path because it is what we are good at, picking the more hopeful path. Love is not so much merely just for mutual benefits but rather it indicates something deeper, more complex than an animal’s instincts for better environment for living. It is a question of human capability and potential for higher thinking. So much that we are suppose to be different from other animals, as we are conscious and most importantly we are capable of sacrifice. Behavior wise, humans are willing to sacrifice for someone else and this contradicts the mutual benefit mindset. Mutual benefit pertains to two people helping each other improving each other’s lives. At the same time a sacrifice is the opposite of that, for one is willing to help others without gain. Now this gain, some might say, is the satisfaction feeling but this only proves that love is innate in us. It means we want to give ourselves for a greater cause or being and it is this thought that transcends us from other animals. To put simply we dont want to live just for ourselves because that itself does not complete us. 

Looking closer in some of my family relations, I have come to see the irony behind the structure of it. I dare to say almost all families in this world exists love within them or at least that is what the members of the family think they have. In true love however, politics should not be a part of the structure especially when it undermines all the basic principles that love stands by. In my family this irony persists as parents and relatives preach of familial love when they allow politics to be in such a pure idea. When love meets politics, it is not the love for the people you are with but rather love for the power they provide, the power that could help you achieve whatever it is that you want to achieve. Power induced relationships are not only destructive but it is sometimes seen as normal, as with the traditions of only marrying powerful families in the past. It is understood that the struggle of power will not go anywhere nor will politics truly stop even if everyone tried to because it is so much in our nature as social creatures. However, we can certainly try to keep a minimum level of this stuff in relationships for the people that we love and for the sake of our own anguish. Certainly none of us wants to see the outcome of a bloody political battle between siblings the way they show siblings of high power in the past fighting for the seat of power: ruler of the kingdom. Power chasing in the name of love is possibly one of the ultimate lies that still exists today. 

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~~~~~~ :3

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Our coping mechanism built to defend against even the strongest of abhorrent thoughts ~

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Ideals of the self, which we judge others by as well ~

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Ball on the money ~

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Crazy Thoughts #1: The nature of the mind

Thoughts has been pouring into my mind about the issue of hypocrisy and the notion of the self. These two interrelated ideas come out to be a scary, yet a extremely revealing one. Hypocrisy, ah, might just be what politicians do almost every four years, switching between ideas to gain the acceptance of the public people. As an viewer on the TV, we put these them out to discredit a candidate such as Trump. Even I hate this piece of shit human but even so he becomes this strange person that intrigues me due to his peculiar popularity. Politicians are so much of hypocrisy that they eventually stop caring about it. I find it hard to believe that they dont realize their hypocrisy as many of them are quite accomplished and should know at least that much. I have been thinking about hypocrisy for myself, which happens quite often under my conscious mind. It is not something we like rather we detest it coming from others. What I have realize throughout the years is its common occurrence within ourselves even as we try to rid of it as much as we can. Its as if the mind tries to get rid of sadness and yet it keeps coming back, haunting us as it seeps into our consciousness. More often then not, we cope by distracting ourselves using various methods of our own. Hypocrisy is similar, although we tend to forget and repress such times. We reason through the hypocrisy or justify it through our words. This could be only with me but in most of my interactions with others, I see it prevalent in my life. Our natural dislike of selfishness in others despite being selfish ourselves is one prime example. We praise those of altruistic actions but we fail to carry those tasks out ourselves. We hate those who are selfish yet to an certain extent we are selfish ourselves. It is so maddening to think ourselves to be that of hypocrisy and lies but it is important to understand our natural tendencies of looking out for things that benefit us. People tell their children to find good friends before teaching them how to be good friends. People want fairness but disregard those who are treated unfairly by them. People speak of other’s mistakes before pointing out their own. It is not as if we dont want get rid of this hypocrisy but it is something also extremely hard to swallow, to admit that the self is full of bullshit. It hurts the pride of our very soul and it brings us great sadness and confusion. Our mind’s tendency to pull these things under the rug is well understood as it protects the very notion of our self so we may go on with life. It is easy to point out the mistakes and wrongdoings of another but for the self is extremely difficult not only due to the amount of pain it causes us but also its our mind doing its work to misguide our beliefs and thinking. I for once was very critical of those who are high achieving, those who take as much as they can get away with. In these people, I despised their every effort to take things from others but unbeknownst to me I thought maybe it is because they are potentially taking things from me. Entering into competitive atmospheres, people become less caring almost ruthless and it is unnoticeable, seeping of the insidious pretenses that others speak of. We denounce each other using what we call “reason” and “evidence.” To our horror, these so called “reason” and “evidence” are rarely used upon us by ourselves. No matter how hard we try, we can never fully distinguish the thin layer of hypocrisy which haunts us all without our knowing. My father falls victim to his prideful tendencies. He hates others who boasts of their achievements however, he fails to notice his own boastful nature. He relents his boastful nature to that of a joke and to his defense he enjoyed these moments. He never once realize why other could not do what he did and maybe one day he will understand he is more ostentatious than anyone he has encountered, except Trump maybe. We all call for happiness yet when happiness is at hand we throw it away willingly. Its as if we dont want happiness but we pretend thats what we want, though this is not the case. Happiness is subjective to the thoughts of the mind and its only requirement is the contentment of one’s life. However, many fail to be content as they strive to get more, willfully forgetting what their end purpose was: to be happy. Maybe we lie to ourselves and others about our final desire. Maybe we dont only want be happy but we wish to have everything that we can get and be happy. When happiness is right in our hands, we look elsewhere to find it, ignoring to see what we have. It is similar to that of a child who has never played video games and to later be plunged into sadness after taking it away from him. This child has been happy before without such device so why is he sad after it is taken away from him? Perhaps it is the trick of the mind? Perhaps his new experience indicated that he could be doing this instead of the older things that he use to do? If one shall reach happiness because they get to a certain point then what makes of those happy moments that happened before this point. Are they insignificant and are merely false feelings? Maybe somethings are better left unknown to us, to help us stay in the happy state that we so desperately say we want to be in or perhaps hypocrisy is ubiquitous within everyone’s mind. We are such fragile creatures, with a soft and tender body, with an mind even weaker than the honest shell we reside in. The notion of the self deepens this trap as we create this self, an imaginary self, sometimes misguiding our expectations of our own abilities. One of my fellow friends does this quite often, like all of us do. He speaks of his hatred for fake and dishonest people, yet he pretends to be a different type of person in front of authorities of higher power. Although, it is justified to do such a thing I find it hypocritical of his actions. Not to say he is the only one since we are all guilty of pretending to be someone likable to win another person’s acceptance. This person could be social groups, friends, bosses, or even yourself. We pretend to ourselves to make ourselves feel better. We justify these actions of ours because we wish to pertain to our image. It is an understatement to say our conscience is just weak as we cant even come to face our true selves without pain. The nature of the mind is protective of its own body and perspective. It is only natural for one to dislike things that their identity cant accept, from the things we perform badly and we justify it by saying we dont like it to our innate urge to put down ideas that dont seem to fit into our understanding of the world. It is not that we are deliberately trying to be this type of person but rather we almost predisposed to this sort of thinking. It explains why identity is always fluid because it has never existed as this is all the works of our mind trying to protect us from the upcoming crisis of one’s world from crumbling. As new evidence slowly deconstruct the very foundations of our beliefs, we either amend the building the best we can until it collapses upon us, waiting to be rebuilt again. And with every amends we make to our foundations, with every ignore of the significant damage to our building, hypocrisy is born. It is without a doubt this hypocrisy is the very attempt of defending one’s perspective hoping it passes as we vehemently deconstruct the structures of others by highlighting their hypocrisy. How amusing this world can be I thought. It is comical to me as we talk of our constant struggles with our identity, yet we always welcome ourselves to the destruction of someone else’s. Rather than ending it with on a grim note, I believe this rebuilding of each other’s structure or perspective doesnt have to be all that of bad news and we should not take it so harshly when it does fall because better buildings will have never been built if the wooden huts of the past never failed its creator. At least I for one do not wish to live in wooden huts for the rest of my life :). 

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hmmm interesting.

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Friends, truly marvelous ~

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Such truth !

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Fight Together ~ Namie Amuro

Let's set sail before the break of dawn, to meet a yet unseen tomorrow. I've made up my mind, and I have no regrets. (Oh I know what I'm supposed to do.) No matter what trials wait for us along the way, nothing can ever stop the pounding of our hearts. There is but one place we all aim for. (Fly to the light!) The bonds that we gained at the end of the battle, I will not let anyone damage them. If we open our clenched fists, we'll find strength within them. So let's get started! A brand new world is calling for us. Look ahead! Even if countless seas stand between us, we're always supporting each other. Let's move on without any fears. Please don't forget, We fight together. Catching the wind, a bird flaps its wings. It crosses the rainbow, and at its destination a flower named "hope" blossoms. (The flowers will never die.) If you just keep those growing feelings locked up deep inside of your heart, don't you think it'd be too tight for them? (Fly to the light!) What can you protect through deceit? Kneeling down in defeat is no shame. Just get back up as many times as it takes, because I'm sure we can meet again! So let's get started! A brand new world is calling for us. Look ahead! Even if countless seas stand between us, we're always supporting each other. Let's move on without any fears. Please don't forget, We fight together. It hasn't been tainted, the great, wide, distant sky that we looked up at on that day. We've come quite a long way, all carrying the vows we made within our hearts. We're not afraid. We've all got burdens we must carry. The sun rises, and it brightens everything, even my sadness. I believe, in the future where we'll come together as one. Let's go find it together. There's nobody that can take your place. Please don't forget, We fight together. Life goes on... Life goes on... Life goes on... Life goes on... Life goes on... Life goes on... Please don't forget, We fight together.

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Off Stories #1 - “Lost Best Friend”

The lost of a best friend is usually sad ,but for this particular instance I was indifferent. A best friend is someone who is always there for you, someone who knows you from head to toe (ok maybe not your dick, thats nasty). This person becomes a sort of a family member, a non-blood related sibling. Zhang ming was exactly this sort of person to me in my early childhood years, when I was still living the easy and innocent life in China. I attended a kindergarten school called the sunshine although it did not look so sun shiny with their rusted gates and rundown building. The paint on the building looked so wear off, I figured they might as well pay me to repaint it. Maybe the school was too poor to afford a new repaint. Nonetheless, I attended Sunshine for 2-3 years and as hard as I can recount I havent learned a thing from that school. I did however enjoy their lunches or breakfasts (I dont remember if they served both or only one). They served usually some type of noodle (me sien) or buns with water. Their me sien was definitely my favorite because they cooked it so well. During some of these meal sessions, I would compete with my classmates in an food eating competition as to who finishes their food first. I remember I would always lose to this one really skinny guy who usually always win first and then a chubby guy after him. The highest place I got was third and this marked my first taste of competition. Another huge part of the sunshine school was the napping we were forced to do in the afternoon. I dont recount how long they made us nap but I always try to sneak candy into the beds so i can eat candy while sleeping. I never really wanted to sleep as a kid and it could be because I was always really happy. Everyday was always stress free and hopeful. The candy I liked was a gummy candy that was shaped like a hamburger. My grandpa would always talk about how I begged him to buy food and drinks for me when he came to pick me up from school. He said I always asked him to buy bubble tea after school and also gum. My grandparents really spoil me lots and now that I think about it they probably treated me like a prince. They almost always got me what I wanted. It truly was a good time. Usually at home after school and dinner, our whole family would go out and hang out around the park right under our apartment. Our living place is a complex secluded from the outside with a security guard. Within this site, we have grass and a sort of playground, a hangout area. It is actually pretty big so many kids from other apartments come and play too. Its a commune for both the young and the old people. At night after dinner, it gets pretty rowdy with all kids running around and the old people chattering away sitting on rock benches. My brother and I would always go out to play games with other kids such as hide and seek, cops and robbers. I always had my personal tricycle and eventually it I got a bicycle. I would have races with other people and ride it around the park. My brother and other kids, however, were older than me and sometimes they dont like playing with me. There were few kids that were my age, one was a girl and the other one was Zhang ming. Zhang ming was never from our complexes, rather he lived close by and was always at his mother’s clothing shop. He came inside our park to play with other kids and me most of the time. I was never that close to girl since she rarely came out to play and was not into physical activity that much. I connected with Zhang ming much quicker and he eventually became my best buddy, someone I hang out with a lot. In a way, he became even closer to me than my brother because of this. After some years, I went to murica and stayed. I visited in my middle school years ,but to my grandparent’s surprise I was not that excited or warm to see him. I dont remember how Zhang ming looked and all I see was a middle schooler kid in front of me. He seemed like a stranger as my grandparents try to convince me to hangout with my “best friend” again. He felt the same I suppose since the time I did meet up with him to eat or something with my grandparents, we did not say a word to each other, often looking away from each other. I did not feel anything either besides of embarrassment and indifference. It strikes me now that I am scared of myself sometimes as I could forget someone so easily after 6-7 years. I guess I have more of a leeway since I was really young but it still bothers me that such a promising bond is so easily broken by time and distance. It tells a lot about how fragile any connections are as they are extremely hard to build while it deteriorates at an accelerating rate the moment you have your mind on other things. This is a real life example of connections built off of only happiness and no hardships. Maybe connections are truly stronger when it was under stress and as people overcome them together the bond truly becomes unbreakable and unforgettable. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we were still friends and I am curious as to what kind of person he turned out to be. Now its too late and who knows if I will be able to see him in my lifetime. Bonds rely so much on chance and opportunity and the moment you miss it then you have probably lost it forever. I see my best friends as my siblings and I try my best to keep these scarce connections. It is impossible to live in this cruel world without others and fighting together with your loved ones (friends, lovers, and family) brightens the road. It makes the struggle along the path a lot more easier and more importantly meaningful. 

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Lonely, Despair, Disappointment. Indifference