illteenagersdiary

[illteenagersdiary]

A part of me really hates my house. But another part of me wishes I could become the flowers out front that greet everyone.

[illteenagersdiary]

Ending my sobriety over a dumb boy

I think I'm supposed to put a trigger warning? TW: SH?

I feel sick to my stomach. Yesterday was supposed to be such a happy day. One of my best friends was graduating a year early from high school. Not only is he one of my best friends, but he was the first guy I ever had a serious crush on. It was so bittersweet seeing him walk across the stage, accept his diploma, take photos, and give him his lei, knowing he wouldn't be able to do the same for me (his brother would graduate next year at the same time i do) . I was so proud and grateful to be there. I wore the best clothes I had because I wanted to look nice in front of his family. I could write pages about how happy I was and how excited I was for him to head into a new chapter of his life. But I'm not because right now I'm filled with pure and absolute apathy. I somehow feel so little and so much right now, not because of the graduation but because of what he said to me and our other best friend after.

"Guys, I need advice."

"on women."

I kind of felt sick. He said he was taking a break from dating, so I never pushed. I never gave him hints. I never flirted with him. I did absolutely everything to be just a friend. I did drop hints, but only enough to be played off as some funny joke. I kind of just laughed a little when he told us, but he was serious. There were two other girls; he called them girl 1 and girl 2 (how creative). Girl 1 is absolutely in love with him, but he called her crazy (I wonder if what I am doing right now is crazy), but she wants him, right? He showed us text messages saying she'll miss him; don't leave her. I wanted to scream. I looked at my friend. I looked her in the eyes, and I think she could tell how I felt. feel how I feel. She was the experienced one when it came to boys. All I ever did was yearn over some guy for years, only to get upset at the fact that he was hanging out with some girl and go off to date a girl for five years. I did love her, but the relationship was empty. She hardly texted and never wanted to hang out or even hang out at school. It never felt like she loved me, not through words or actions. I felt disgusted after breaking up with her. I felt like I had killed a puppy. All I could remember was how her skin felt against mine and how much fun we'd have on the days she'd actually hang out with me. I wonder if our relationship was built on love or if it was just anger and spite that I had built up. How could he have said he liked me when he was hanging out with other girls? I know we were young and it was normal, but it was around the time kids were losing their V cards and getting into relationships, and all I could think about was him and how he was probably dating. He probably had girls throwing themselves at him. He was and still is absolutely perfect. from his hair down to his whole family. They all love each other so much, and seeing it all last night was gut wrenching a family, loving and supporting their son, brother, and nephew. They cared about his grades and what he was doing—not in an overbearing way but with genuine love—a mother who cares if her son is safe, happy, and taken care of. I'm not saying I have never gotten any of that I just think for me its hard to see that when everyone's busy hating each others guts and arguing. He graduated a year early; he had always been smarter than me. Even now, while he was talking about girls other than me, I thought he was still smart. It was right not to pick me; those girls were everything he could want. Girl 1 is crazy but in love with him, plus she's white. (I want to interject here. Race doesn't matter, but in this situation, if you are a WOC, you get the feelings behind dating a white guy who only has a track record of dating other white girls.) Girl 2 graduated with him; she's smart, and I bet she's beautiful. (i just checked and she is) And then he asked which to go for. I was back in my room sewing a ribbon for his lei, pricking my finger and bleeding, but this time it was my heart and stomach being pricked and stabbed. It felt like pins and needles in my feet. I didn't want to stand; I was scared I would fall. I was scared of so many things in that moment. I don't think he understands what it means when he gets a girlfriend. We won't be best friends anymore; the trio will disband, and we'll go our separate ways. not because it will break my heart, but I don't think many girls will be okay with their boyfriend hanging out with two girls, even though we've known his family for years. I know it's off-putting. Plus, that's how it was when he had girlfriends in the past. He kind of just talked to us after they broke up to get his mind off things. I'm just going through the motions. realizing maybe I should give up on the thought of marrying him one day, decorating our house together, getting a pet, and naming it together. because, in the end, all I want is for him to be happy with or without me. i feel like this is different from when he had girlfriends in the past he was talking to us about two girls that he liked and one actually liked him back.

I haven't even written about the title yet. After that conversation, we went downstairs to eat pizza with his family, and by then, I had lost my appetite. I had one slice of pizza and half a cup of soda. I was pretty quiet. I was thinking, and I couldn't stop it. When his grandmother started talking about crocheting, it felt like I couldn't stop talking. I could tell he was looking at me at times. My friend kept asking if I was okay; I was and I wasn't. I was happy to be around his family, but as soon as I thought of that, my mind went to the fact that the girl he picks will be happier than me in that chair because she will be able to call him hers, and I will refuse to look at another man ever again. He was all I ever wanted. I had meaningless crushes once in a while. A guy in the grade above me who listened to me talk for hours on end about life and video games But he was graduating, and I had only known him for a few months, so I knew he didn't really care to take the friendship any further. He ended up having to leave me and my friend as he had to get to the after-party the school had prepared. We just hung out with his mom; it was weirdly peaceful. I didn't feel nervous around her. Maybe because I knew soon enough that I would never see her again. I was the last to be picked up, and I just spoke to her about school and the upcoming party we were having for him on Sunday. When I got home, my mom asked how it went and if he liked his gift. I said yes and that it went well. I just wanted a shower. And that was what I had. I blasted music and turned on the scalding hot water. I stepped in and just collapsed. I was so tired. It was my final day of my junior year and the day I knew I would have to accept that I had to move on. It happened so fast. It somehow felt like years and seconds all at the same time. And it was because I had just hit reset on 756 days. After two years of fighting the urge every day, I did everything I could to keep my mind off of it, and all I needed was a boy to help me relapse. The blade felt amazing over and over again to keep reaching the momentary high it gives. It was so easy. The same blade I used to delicately shave the peach fuzz of my face so my makeup would sit neatly on my skin. The razer that I had used to be beautiful for him was now making my thighs ugly—something he would be nauseated about, something he would look away from. I always loved the sting of the cuts being bombarded with hot water. It's not even his fault, but I want someone to blame. I want someone to yell at, punch, and cry at. But I won't get that from him, my mom, my siblings, friends, or any of my family. I think after typing this, I feel better. When I see it all typed out, it kind of makes me laugh. None of this matters. He's just a boy, and in the end, I won't end up with him. I doubt that in 2–3 years I'll even be on his mind.

Thank you to whoever reads this. If you are feeling the same, I hope you find comfort in knowing that in 2-3 years, you'll be different and a new person because of this. I honestly say that more for me than for you as a way to remind myself that I shouldn't care, nothing matters, and I want to focus on having a good time. :)