iliketoasterstrudels

[iliketoasterstrudels]

heart shaped necklaces that say “find me in the future” “there you are sweetheart sorry i’m late i was looking everywhere for you”

[iliketoasterstrudels]

glad that im not popular enough to have an evil shadow version of my blog that exists just to make contradictions on my posts

[iliketoasterstrudels]

MOST BASS ARE JUST FISH BUT LEROY BROWN WAS SOMETHING SPECIAL

[iliketoasterstrudels]

jokes that will literally never not be funny to me:

saying “speedrun strats” every time you fuck up

saying “first try” when you’ve tried the thing like 15 times, minimum

[iliketoasterstrudels]

bruce wayne maintains a presence on all conspiracy theory boards with the screen name BruceWayneIsTheBatman and all his posts have titles like “BRUCE WAINE IS BAT-MAN INDISPUTABLE PROOF” and it’s just a picture of Bruce Wayne from the back next to a picture of Batman from behind and they both have the contours of their butt drawn on in a shitty MSPaint red line (note: Bruce is in a suit and Batman has a cape, neither of their butts are clearly discernible) and the quote “THE BUTTS MATCH!!! THE FACTS DON’T LIE!!!!!” and he makes at least three of these posts a day, and “Bruce Wayne is the Batman” becomes a meme a la “Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer” and he gets asked about it on a talk show and he laughs uproariously at the idea and Stephen Colbert just HAPPENS to have a batman mask under the desk and they do a bit together where Bruce Wayne puts on the mask and walks around saying things like “excuse me, bank robbers, can I perhaps offer you some money to stop you robbing this bank?” and “I say, cease and desist your criminal behavior or I’ll have my butler ask you to leave” and the audience is LOSING THEIR MINDS laughing at the idea of this pampered rich guy taking on the Joker on a bi-weekly basis and then anyone who suggests “Bruce Wayne is Batman” in earnest gets met with mocking “oh man do the butts match” comments

[iliketoasterstrudels]

the problem with reading and writing leading to a strong vocabulary is that you tend to know the vibe of words instead of their meanings.

if I used this word in a sentence, would it make sense? absolutely. if you asked me what it meant, could I tell you? absolutely not.

[iliketoasterstrudels]

[iliketoasterstrudels]

a boyfriend is basically a guy you can just kind of chew on whenever

[iliketoasterstrudels]

apps that shut off your music when you open them just how fucking important do you think you are

[iliketoasterstrudels]

I have been a sheep caretaker for like two days and already I'm like. Wow. I get it.

I get why these were some of the earliest mammals to ever be domesticated. They look up to humans with this sort of dumb but all at once innocent and pure and trusting expression. They're happy to see you. They follow you around. They like to be rubbed under their chins. Maybe its just some latent Scottish highland shepherd DNA I still have in me but I look at my sheep charges and suddenly I see why the love of God for humanity is so often described as a shepherd and his sheep. I'd fight a wolf for these guys. I'd go way the Hell out of my way for them. I'd carry their young for miles on my own back.

[iliketoasterstrudels]

[iliketoasterstrudels]

[iliketoasterstrudels]

this from the guy who wrote the sting pain index, a scale he constructed after letting himself be stung by insects

[iliketoasterstrudels]

Howdy pal, it seems you’re under the impression that you’re better than me

said the slug to the Sun

[iliketoasterstrudels]

All useful things turn to shit when you privatize them.

[iliketoasterstrudels]

Do you think cavemen ever got humiliated and had the kms urge? Like "Grug so embarrassed, Grug jump into tar pit" and then Glarg is like "Noooo everyone forget soon" and Grug is like "Grug going to do it for real"

[iliketoasterstrudels]

but you can't keep holding on like this.