ijustknowhow - Tumblr blog

[ijustknowhow]

requested by hornyduckbitch

[ijustknowhow]

[ijustknowhow]

The moon is in cancer now lol

At some point I need to learn the lesson that if i believe to have control over my reality then so does everyone else...including my bf. I give myself lots of credit to reassure myself that all suffering can lead back to a solution of simply going within to find the solution and every-time a difficult situation comes up I have the power to energetically listen before i set an intention- which will lead to action which will create my reality SO WHEN my bf decides to deflect and tries to change the narrative or tries to make me feel guilty or wrong...I have to knowledge that he is making the same choices i am...hes saying yes to being that person hes painting his reality!!! 

Whenever we get into arguments or tough conversations that hit a soft spot he instantly deflects and tries to shift blame before we’ve even checked in with our feelings or have discussed a solution and IN THE PAST i would hold his hand through the whole thing and calming him down and revalidating myself over and over again to show him we can both be valid but the more i dive into removing blocks i realized I was totally acting from a lack mindset of “ i have to help him understand so he can really tell me how he actually feels which must be only love and care for me” when in reality he already chose his words, his narrative, his tone...i am not being helpful trying to show him how to use his emotions as signal to something deeper rooted...if he wanted to know that he would’v tried harder to learn long ago...i am not attached to the narrative of “he must love and care for me” anymore and that has shifted my whole perspective 

Now when i see him act over emotional and cruel to me during an argument i just feel sad and a big NO comes into mind...I have worked through so many personal blocks and childhood trauma that NO no one can change the reality that I AM TRYING to create for MYSELF I kinda just wanna look the other way sometimes because im so detached from the stories hes trying to convince himself are real....” why didn't you tell me” “i told you ten times” “well you should've told me again” 

thats NOT my narrative LOL thats his? It took me so long to see how much he comes from fear of being wrong, fear of admitting that hes sensitive, just so much FEAR and LACK Deflecting so much guilt for WHAT to put in the same reality as him. Subconsciously the gears are probably fighting for their life to prove that his ideas are right and his past is true and the code and the ego....ugh like if a stranger on the street was trying to tell me that something is my fault for not reminding them to do it an 11th time instead of just 10x (which is too fucking many to begin with lmao) then i would simply walk away!! but because this is my bf of 5yrs i have an attachment to the narrative ive built in my head about this person...I must hold on to them i must sit through this i must be ok with this...why? what are we afraid fo lsoing? if nothing can really be LOST all these little moments of great truth hmmmmm

People like this really will challenge you to stay in your own vibration and as much as I wanted to cry and scream and be sad that someone was asking me to do MORE and making me feel guilty for not knowing that...it just became so obvious to me that the life goal is just too different....I dont want fear and misery and suffering and attachment I dont want to act from LACK i have enough and there will always be enough for me