ijustkindawannabedone

[ijustkindawannabedone]

Where I think my ED kinda started

I might have to do multiple parts of some stories idk. 

Also keep in mind while reading this my dad is between 350-400lbs and my mom is between 230-250.

When I was born I was 5lbs 5 ounces, and not long after my mom went back to work and left me with my dad to be taken care of. The problem with this is that the man never wanted children and he didn’t have the slightest idea in how to take care of one and everytime i cried he would give me a bottle to calm me down. I gained weight very quickly, i turned into a little bowling ball.

I’m probably going to remove any trace of my face from this account because I’m going to share things on here that I don’t want anyone from my real life to find it. When i was around seven years old i got left with my uncle because both of my parents had to work and he did things to me. I’m not going to specify becuase i dont want to, but my grandma caught him and sent him out of the house and scolded me for “letting him do that to me.” and told me “You know yyou shouldn’t let him touch you between your legs like that right? then why did you do it?” I think that this could be something that affected me.

 I’m told that my parents fought tooth and nail about my weight and i do remember them fighting quite a lot but i blocked most of it out because i was used to the screaming so i never really understood why they were fighting. I was a pretty fat kid. My mom told me later that because i was so fat the clothes for kids my age didn’t fit me so she would buy clothes for older kids but kapri style so they would be big enough to fit me and still fit me like regualr pants.

As i grew older and my body developed more I became more uncomfortable, every time i walked by either my mom or my dad would slap my ass. My mom too every opportunity to touch my butt and my boobs. I started wearing giant hoodies to cover my body bc i was uncomfortable with myself. by the time i was 12 i was 245lbs. 

My entire life my mom has always harped on me about my weight but never made any real changes to help my health. I remember my dad bought me a kit kat when i was about 9 and my mom telling him to only give me half so i could go play and burn it off and eat the other two pieces after dinner. By the time I was in middle school(started at 7:20am) my mother would have me in tears almost every single day before school started screaming at me that I needed to lose weight, that I looked like shit, and would demand to know why i never did my hair or why i refused to wear make up. 

And then I found the pro ana community on Ifunny. I found thinspo and fatspo and meanspo and sweatspo and the body checks and i kinda got hooked. This fueled me to learn what calories were and how to burn them, i found workouts and that’s where things really “took off” in a sense. I was eating 500kcal a day, and working out like my life depeneded on it. This went on for five years before the BED really took over. I turned into a fucking balloon.

between being bullied at school for being fat, being abused and sexually harassed at home I started thinking “If i skip breakfast i might be able to lose weight in gym class.” and turned into

“i’ll only eat half of my lunch”

“No thank you, i had a big lunch. I’m not hungry for dinner”

[ijustkindawannabedone]

Hi

It’s really difficult for me to actually speak about my issues but its easier for me to type them so i’m going to start talking about my past issues here in hopes that it will help me to work through some of my issues.

[ijustkindawannabedone]

04/30/20 okay so here’s my plan

i fucked up, i didn’t do anything that i had planned out. so im currently at about 360lbs(🤮) and my 18th birthday is May 29th and it’s April 30th, so ive decided that i want to be under 200lbs before my birthday in about 30 days. I’m not going to eat ANYTHING until May 29th. It’ll be my birthday present to me. 

(I was worried about by body check pictures being considered Child pxrn but i looked into it and i should be 100% fine)

I’m going to bust my fat disgusting ass and lose this weight if it fucking kills me. I WILL be under 200lbs. I’ll be consuming water, daily vitamins(I have a really bad deficency and if i don’t take them my finger nails fall off, i can’t imagine no vitamins and no food doing any good for them) and Pepsi Zero for the caffiene.

I was doing my math wrong(not a big surprise ive always been terrible at math) but my maintenence calories are a little over 3k and it takes about 3.5k to burn one pound so I should be pretty good and even better once i start losing more weight because my maintenence will go down. 

Maybe I should shoot for burning 3.5k a day? there are 1000ck burner workouts that im sure i could probably do a once or twice a day, this way im burning almost 2x what i need to lose one pound in a day. im not gonna tell my parents what my actual goals are, just that im water fasting bc they generally don’t stop me from doing it. My mom wants to go to a koney and get something to eat so im going to eat a salad and that’ll be my last food intake for the day.

I’m currently at 975kcal and ive had no water today, despite the fact that there’s literally a gallon of water next to my bed. I’m gonna go get a salad, and come home and take my dog for a walk and when i drop him back off here i think ill go for my own walk. i should charge my apple watch so it can count my steps but I have small wrists and hands and tend to lose my watch bc it falls off.

for every note that this post gets is 1 crunch ill do before bed.

[ijustkindawannabedone]

Ana buddy

Looking for an ana buddy. I’ll message everyone that likes or reblogs this.

bonus if you..

you stay up way too late sometimes

binge from time to time and feel terrible about yourself after

fast

are okay with meanspo/truthspo (sending or receiving mostly sending)

like advice

18+

like k-pop

has instagram

[ijustkindawannabedone]

hey there all you cool cats and kittens

i got sucked into a depression hole, did none of what i planned.

But, while im here i might as well update you on my life, not that anyone is actually paying attention. I’m graduated now bc of corona, i realized im not transgender and im slowly working through the reasons of why i thought i was for almost six years and most of it has to do with my parents, and also my cat died and i have no will to live.

[ijustkindawannabedone]

corona break plan

Since all school has been cancelled for me for the next month ive decided that im going to use this time to lose as much weight as possible before I go back for a couple reasons.

1. the guy that I like is WAY too good for me and even though i can tell that hes interested in me for my personality and surprisingly beautiful face, he should not have to settle for a dumpster rat body like mine.

2. I want to see the shocked look on everyone's faces when a GODDESS they've never seen before walks into the class room.

3. i’m tired of the fact that ive gotten so used to hating my body im okay with just suffering and being miserable inside of it so im going to fix it.

I’ll be starting the starving artist diet, but with a little bit of a change. I’ll only be eating on the days that I work bc i work in a kitchen and I dont want to torture myself like that bc i know ill end up breaking and binging.

So I work Tomorrow(Sunday) and ill be eating 400kcal, the next day that i work is this coming Tuesday(03/17/20) so ill be eating 300 calories for day 2. so it’ll look something like this.

Sunday(Work): Day 1, 400kcal.

Monday(no work): fasting

Tuesday(Work): Day 2, 300kcal

Wednesday(no work): fasting

Thursday(no work):fasting

Friday(work): day 3, 200kcal

Saturday(work): day 4, 400kcal

Sunday(Work): Day 5, 500kcal.

we’ve probably all seen the metabolism booster on tik tok, the one with lemons and cinnamon, ill be drinking that even on my fasting days bc i can tel you personally that it works. tomorrow before work im going to walmart to get appetite suppressants to help me stay on track so i wont be physically hungry and the only thing ill have to worry about is my mental drive to eat for emotional support bc i struggle with mental health issues and it gets worse when i dont eat.

ill be using a workout set that i found on here(its 2:46am and i dont have the will to find it and include it in my post.) and i think ill be making a body progress and weigh in post every day. lets get this bread(lmfao) ladies and gentlemen.

remember kids, take your vitamins and drink plenty of water.

[ijustkindawannabedone]

Pleas read the bottom text before you hate me

I know my body is ugly. i will be using this blog as an ED journal, so i apologize in advance bc i know my body is unsightly.

I’ve struggled with disordered eating my entire life do to psychological trauma from early on and ive never had the support that i needed in order to cope with it properly. From early on i ate for emotional support bc my parents were abusive, and i developed BED, and in my middle school years i developed anorexia, lost a massive amount of weight and once i got to high school one of my best friends found out and started dragging me through the lunch line everyday so i would at least be eating once. i lost control bc of a lot of other things going on in my life and allowed my BED to control me and my weight ballooned to the highest its ever been. 360lbs. 

my body is absolutely disgusting, and i am no longer willing to allow myself to look like this. Since the corona outbreak, all schools in my state were shut down for a month, ive decided im going to lose as much weight as possible in that time frame. i hope that youll be supportive to me, bc i know that i can do it but as someone who frantically seeks validation from others i know that without support/approval I will not succeed. im making another post right after this so i can explain my plan.

[ijustkindawannabedone]

i think i've gotten to comfortable with being fat, almost like i'm just used to hating the way i look

[ijustkindawannabedone]

Hi my name is [REDACTED] and im addicted to looking at ana/mia/thinspo tags while a cry and binge eat

[ijustkindawannabedone]

[ijustkindawannabedone]

Having a passive ED is so weird like on one hand I only eat once a day, but on the other I've been gaining/losing the same 5lbs for like 6 months. On one hand I "workout" by going climbing, but on the other I COULD be doing more cardio. On one hand I deny food whenever it's offered but on the other I have no control over self-initiated binge periods.

Like jfc am I faking this shit?? Because if I was REALLY sick the scale would show it and obviously it's not so...?

[ijustkindawannabedone]

So here’s this

[ijustkindawannabedone]

[ijustkindawannabedone]

owning 60 million different empty journals because you cant decide which ones to use for Grimores/Books of Shadows

90% of being a witch is getting these little random spurts of energy that make you want to create 10 spell jars, 6 altars, 7 sachets, 3 potions, 20 tarot spreads, 45 sigils, and a poppet all in the span of 5 minutes

[ijustkindawannabedone]

[ijustkindawannabedone]

Freddie Mercury is your patron god now

Witchy Occurrences pt. 1

Two really awesome coincidences have happened to me lately:

1) On Saturday, I got to vto from work at exactly 3:33am after I’d spent the previous night trying to figure out what god is trying to reach me because I’m thinking Aphrodite and/or Loki may not be the best gods for me to work with

2) Today, I was in the store and I had Bohemian Rhapsody stuck in my head for no particular reason. I thought it was cute. When I got out to the car, as soon as I got into the car, Bohemian Rhapsody started playing on a random channel (I usually Bluetooth my phone to the car).

I’m going to start keeping track of all the strange coincidences happening to me to piece together who the hell is trying to contact me.