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I keep thinking about living like in the past.
Living like my parents
Living like my grandpa
So much less influence
Way more in your own world
Not in this digital online mess
Where are your thoughts
When they Don't drift off into another internet trend every other second
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so
That was a chapter
I wish to recapture
The love story. Or what it seemed to be. For once and for all.
And the experience. One year of total change.
I'm back now and can't imagine how it felt back there.
All of these emotions and friendships and places.
Well, everything's got to change once in a while
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so, do I even feel like writing?
Emotions are wandering around me
But I don't know which one is hitting my heart
My eyes are so swollen, but it's really allergies.
I was cutting onions when you came again, talking with your smallest last hope.
I could tell that the tears were not coming from cutting them.
But you do it so well.
That also makes me doubt.
But I know enough is enough.
And some decisions are only for yourself.
And even no one is encouraging me, it can be the right one.
I'm going to miss you.
I'm going to mean our good times.
I'm hoping the best for you and me.
And I know if we would've missed out on something, someone's gonna send us back to each other. I trust in that.
But for now, I have to look for myself.
My energy, my mind, my heart, my time.
And I know it's this direction now.
I wish the love story could've been with you. But it was not. It was really not.
So sadly, truly, madly, deeply, hurtly, disappointgly not.
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Himmel
Ich guck nach oben und seh blau
Himmelazurmarine tiefes blau
Manchmal wird er auch grau
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Tagebucheintrag
0505
0309
Gerade esse ich die Reste des Abendessens
das ich heute gekocht habe
auf
Ich hatte noch Schafskäse im kühlschrank
Den streute ich drauf
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the problem is
I still. Hope/wish/think/know/believe it's worth it
One day fight for one small kiss
Or hundred teardrops for one laugh together
And because one is so rare
I wish for it
So much
That it's all turning well
The moments in which everything is just alright /all right
In which the sun is shining and we're drinking our juice and I can listen to you tell me (my dreams) soft facts about the world
And I would accept some fight
Just for us to feel it again
Will it be?
But how?
I just want your honesty
Tell me the ingredients to your happiness
I will make you pizza
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you ever think about thinking about a thought so much that you forget your thought?
trying to eat slowly
remembering
KJNAIDV AXHE`S H0M0OPH=BIC
but not how I would`ve expected
a dilemma like this
cause in your eyes
it makes sense
and if i look into them a little toolong
mine reflect
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Difficult l0v€
I lay my head down next to mine
And think of an old childhood friend
Or more
For one blinzelschlag
I'm back
Playing, careless, ruthless, reckless
I feel my inner child
You erschüttert my memories
The- you rewake my drams
For split seconds
I'm seeing cjsibd shapes, terrific colors and this
Innocent, pure, sincere raw feeling
All emotions are just existing
Not geplagt von past and future
Just there
You take me to dream world
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If it's not the small things, then what is it?
If it's not beyond Vernunft, then what is it?
If it's not meant to happen, then what is it?
It's like I'm imagining you
With you I don't even have any expactations
The little things
Brushing my teeth with you in the bathroom without shame
You put off your hoodie
And so effortlessly, your t-shirt stays at the perfect angle
And I can't help it, but now I know what it is like
To gaze at someone
The bewonder,
der
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friend
Since some time
I have a feeling
That I am a bad friend.
I say u fitting things and put myself in the center of attention a lot and talk some more
But let me explain myself.
I don't know how much you can tell that I am aware. Because I'm really trying to be. I guess my behavior is therefore just a compensation
I'd like to help so so much and maybe I'm making it too difficult.
I really want to be a good friend
And that's why I don't get why we still sometimes have these tensions I can't solve
And I'm annoyed by irrelevant things and sometimes my mind expresses thoughts I don't ever want to think
I was repressing them
And then I also had a stop where I let it all collapse/release
The emotion bombs crashing in
Selfishness - why are you holding me back?
Annoyed/... - why can't you make a step
Mitgefühl
Unverständnis-
Arrogance- You should do this the way I do it
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I hope
You're not bathing in grief anymore.
I hope you accepted
The a**hole you were
And that you're changing it.
I like to imagine
How you're talking about me.
There's a range of scenes Ive got in my head.
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Blackout.
One second.
Ein Wimpermschlag
Ein Blick.
Ein Räuspern.
Kurz leise Musik
Stille
Ein Gedanke
Everything shut off.
So now I'm sitting in the dark.
But just like with you, it feels comfortable.
A well known, safe haven-dark
Dark
One second
Ein Wispern
Ein Fingertip
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IHYK
I hope you know I often think about you
i hope you know I don’t miss you
I’m still repeating( reenacting) our scenes in my head
Wanting to scream
‘CUT!’
I hope you know
you weren’t just the (only) one being hurt
you hurt.
I’ve realized I don’t need to feel bad about myself,
I know you want me to.
You’d hope for me to be the villain
but I know I’m not.
The times you tried to make it up
by abiding/ abomidamal/ aghast/ aggravated/assuming, materialistic, s o meaningful apologies
no, they don’t weigh/count nothing on this scale.
A metal cube
does not make up for the screaming and the fear and the silence.
I’m done questioning my value.
I hope you know I talk about you
I hope you know
I’m telling everything my mind tried to abundance.
I can finally describe what was going on with me
(and be mean and cruel like you were)
iHyk my messy mind didnt lose/ forget
how the chaos was triggered.
memories are still alive
you overreact, you punch, you question, you run, you shout, you threat
aggression, ignorance, made up guilt.
I can replay it in my head
Every stab is lasting,
Narcissisim is a big word, but it belongs here.
I’m letting out/off everything
I couldn’t tell to you.
I have found someone that listens.
Oh, if I could’ve just mirrored you for one time
Acting like you did
you were making sure, I knew how disgusting I were with you,.
Internalized, that it’s my fault, you assured.
Did you like acting? I know my worth:
I’m
I’ve seen
I’m doing better/ living better than before
I know you don’t think I deserve it
because you want me to be the villain
but I hope you know
I’m not.
And I get
what you always told me I deserve,
when you started to regret the ruins you left me in.
I get it now,
but not from you.
you never fulfilled your own reality
I hope you know these lines were written in anger, not agony
I hope you know I’m done with you.
you don’t know what pain you inflicted in my mind/heart/lungs
you don’t know I am long-term affected.
I wish you knew
you’re not the only one taking scars from this fight
FUCK YOU
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how can I cherish this moment?
How can I appreciate it?
Value it?
Save it?
All I can do is enjoy it and tell you about my Genuss.
I'm so content.
Everything is fine.
Time stands still.
Nothing is creating any worries.
I don't bother
I'm focused on
the lights that shimmer in the water
The photographs of the museum I visited
The ramen I ate. This is self care.
The thought of everything being temporary.
The silence (Ruhe?) behind that.
I could even appreciate this street light
Or that fact that I can appreciate it.
Even if it's not, there will still be moments like this. Where I at peace. Everything around me is at peace.
And it will come again. It comes and it goes.
You should find peace in that.
I'm prepared for any disturb that comes. It comes and it goes. Why shouldnt it pass?
Everything is changeable. Everything must change. Everything will change.
I collect memory and power and will and self-love.
I can get through anything and these are my checkpoints.
Why should I think about death/madness/negativity
When there's so much more in life/appreciating/feeling?
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I can't believe my last posts were about this irrelevant guy again. / noch.
Since then
Everything happened. And my head is full of poetry, my life is filled with scenes.
Yet I can't remember
Since I was stoned.
Well,I was romanticising cycling.
Wow, lightning flashed right before our eyes.
Wait, let me enjoy this moment real quick, I wil dream later.
Driving in the dark & rain to Amsterdam.
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Wowwowwow
There's so much new happening.
How could I've ever prepared for this?
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Sometimes
All I think about
Is you
My God, why are you fucking with my head
I am not in love with you.
Therefore we are too far apart
And I really start giving no fucks
Because you don't mean a lot to me
Because there's people more important than you
Because I'm having a new chapter ahead of me
Because I know whatever this is, it's nothing
But then you kiss me and why do I feel something when I think about it?
Why does my heart ache, I really do not care.
You kiss me and you dance with me and you make me feel like I am a little bit more of a fool than you are right now and I don't want to be a fool or a fool to you and I want you to be my friend and I want you
OK sorry that was autopilot but I will leave it there
You kiss me and show me to all of your friends and I'm happy but the next day I wake up and realize I am just a trophy.
Is it the drugs?
You beg me to visit and I say yes and you kiss me once again and everything's good...
then I come up and you can barely make eye contact. You did not speak one word.
Why am I letting this happen? Why tf are you doing this? It's the drugs.
Funny&pathetic how I always said: with my ex I could've spent hours alone but with other people on party's, it was bad. For you, it's in reverse.
But that isn't a good compare
Noone compares. You stand alone.
Stop being so nice to me, I enjoy that.
Or well, stop being so shitty the morning after
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