ihaveasickfeelingthatitllbe-blog

[ihaveasickfeelingthatitllbe-blog]

Grand Finale

This was shortlived, I know, but, this will likely be the last thing that you hear from me. Goodbye. I have loved a lot, in my short life so far. It’s always been my saving grace. No matter how heavy the chaos, this life had never taken love from me. Every day, I have found something to love. The trees, the sky, flowers, animals, sometimes, even people, when I’ve been lucky enough. It was never enough. The chaos my life brought to the table was always too much, and I miss them. I miss all of them. Maybe this all just wasn’t for me. I don’t know where I’m going. Maybe Nepal. Maybe Ireland. Maybe Los Crucis. I’ll find out where I’m supposed to be when I get there. I no longer particularly care if I die. It’s bizarrely and inappropriately freeing. 

[ihaveasickfeelingthatitllbe-blog]

Change

It’s incredible how different everything is, now. Two months ago I was a happy-go-lucky asshole who was trying my hardest to better myself and my life, to make people proud of me for something other than just merely still being alive. Now, I can’t sleep. I’ve been awake with the sun for 5 weeks. 

5 weeks ago, I went to go visit a childhood friend. I was gonna pick him up, drive to the town we lived and pick up our other friend, spend the day swimming at the lake, eating pizza, maybe play some airsoft like we used to. I didn’t make it to his house. My life, my families life, and my entire future changed before I could even process what had happened. 

Turning off the bridge, my windshield exploded. Glass went everywhere. A bicyclist had run through a red light and jumped in front of my car. I didn’t see anything until it was over. I wasn’t high, I wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t texting, I didn’t even have my phones data on. I found out the next day that he didn’t survive his injuries. 

I read in the newspaper that he had four kids. He was in his late 50′s, so they weren’t “children” anymore, but, still. 

I can’t close my eyes, even to blink, without seeing it happen over and over again on repeat. 

I don't feel like I exist anymore. There’s extremely limited public transportation where I live and I’m not allowed to drive, nor would I mentally/psychologically be able to handle driving if I were. All of my friends are gone, my roommate doesn’t get home from work and then typically passes out about an hour or so later, only to wake up late and rush out the door. I just sit in my bed. I play Far Cry games on repeat. My life is nothing. I am nothing. There are people who care about me, sure, but, I’m alone. 

I would’ve driven off of that bridge if it had meant I could have saved him. More often than not, I wish that I had. I don’t feel like I deserve to be alive anymore. That crash had two victims, I just don’t know how to keep living. Life is about more than just surviving, and I don’t live. Not anymore. 

How’s that for a first post, tumblr?