ihatemyselfforwantingmore

[ihatemyselfforwantingmore]

I deserve to re-read this when I get sad again

After years and years of wondering what is wrong with me and why everyone takes advantage of me and treats me like a disposable toy, I finally know the answer and I can't believe it was right in front of my eyes this entire time: Myself.

I try to not blame myself because I didn't know what I know now and why I shouldn't have done the thing I did. And what I did was basically living for other people and always putting them first, not giving a fuck about my self love and thinking that theirs was going to fix me and finally make me happy.

Now that I see that, I realize that (obviously) I don't love myself. I don't really know why and that's the problem. I can't see why I shouldn't love myself if I'm a good person with a good heart and pure intentions, unlike most people (not trying to compare myself tho). But I feel like everything that happened to me was my fault, I'm the only person to blame. I have to accept the fact that thinking that way is wrong. If you were abused in any way, the abuser is the one to blame. Not yourself. You didn't know better and you probably saw the abuse as your fucked up perception of love that whatever happened to you in the past made you think that they cared, that they loved you. I have to forgive myself and accept that I was just their victim.

Everything that happened to me in the past made me starved for love and whoever was willing to give it to me first became my whole world, even if they knew I was vulnerable and easy to manipulate to do anything they want. I did so many things I regret. Having sex when I didn't want to, sending nudes I didn't want to send, doing anything they wanted even if I didn't feel comfortable, and basically just become their puppet and their sex toy. But I have to forgive myself to move on and realize that people who take advantage of a person who was clearly vulnerable and in a really bad state are nothing else but abusers and karma is going to get to them eventually.

I'm writing this now because I think I finally feel like moving on. I don't wanna live like this anymore and I don't deserve to carry this cross for the rest of my life. I think that the first step of getting to love myself is accepting what happened and forgiving myself.

I deserve to live a happy life surrounded by people who truly love me and accept me as I am instead of people who want to bring me down, and I deserve to know how to put myself first and finish studying college, doing what I love, what I'm passionate about, and having new experiences that will replace the old ones, that will eventually become something that's buried in the past. I deserve to be happy for me and no one else. I deserve peace and loving myself.

[ihatemyselfforwantingmore]

I always knew I would become an addict

Everyone (or at least most people) think that addicts are just weird crackheads who deserve no respect or empathy of any kind. They also think that something that horrible would never happen to them. I guess I used to feel the same way towards them before I became one of them.

I always knew I would become an addict. For as long as I remember, I wanted to escape from my life. Whenever people who worked in rehab came to my school to prevent drug use and described all kinds of drugs, I started craving them. I've romanticized drug use for as long as I can remember. I used to see the ecstasy pills with smiling faces thinking: "I'm gonna try this when I'm older". Then I went home and researched about all kinds of drugs while craving them, wishing I could grow up faster so I could give them a try.

Obviously, I grew up with unrestricted access to the Internet. I was obsessed with pop culture, and something pop culture obviously had was a shitton of drug use. I remember spending hours in front of the computer watching pictures of Lindsay Lohan partying wishing it was me, at the age of 10.

I loved watching movies and, of course, if there's something teen movies have is drug use, whether it's weed, acid or cocaine. I couldn't wait to try them when I grew up. It all seemed so glamorous. I loved the film 'The Bling Ring' when I was 11 after watching it on theaters. And their lifestyle was just so glamorous! I wanted to be one of them, I wanted to listen to All Of The Lights by Kanye West while driving and doing cocaine at the same time. I just wanted to have fun. My life was so boring and depressing.

I was a straight A's student who was in extracurricular actives and was known by everyone as an avid bookworm. I used to speak in front of the entire school trying to promote reading to my classmates by recommending YA books that could get them into the hobby of reading. I used to have a lot of books under my chair in case anyone from my classroom wanted to read something. I remember calling it 'my library' and getting in trouble because of it, but I didn't care. I've always loved escapism, and maybe that's why I loved reading so much. I was kind of a very lonely girl growing up, so I used to imagine fantasy worlds while I was in class. I used to think that maybe if I did drugs they would come to life.

As I grew up, I stopped having as many friends as I used to. Everyone in my class randomly decided to just stop talking to me. I only had one friend, and she stopped talking to me and became friends with my bullies after I had to transfer schools due to, of course, bullying. I thought I wouldn't care but it fucked me up really bad.

I started watching more and more movies in a depressive episode where I didn't go to school for four months. All I did was drink Coca-Cola and spend the whole day on my computer.

Two of my favorites were Requiem for a Dream and Trainspotting. Most people (like my parents) thought that they were a hard watch because of the scenes where drugs fuck their entire lives. I thought the opposite. I used to think they were so glamorous and that it was a world I wanted to get into.

I went to school again and struggled with selective mutism, so I couldn't make any new friends, no matter how bad I wanted to. Everyone thought I was just the weird, quiet kid so I kept reading a lot to feel like I had a friend, even if it was just a book.I missed my ex best friend like crazy. I started reading novels by Jack Kerouac and Irvine Welsh, just wanting to go on a substance abuse binge thinking it would fix all my problems and make me happier.

My brother used to be just like me until one day he woke up and decided to rebel against my parents. He decided to drop out of high school and tried every single drug on Earth with his friends. I always resented him for that because I wanted a big brother who'd take care of me but instead I got a Tony Stonem dupe. I don't know if I wanted to be like him?

[ihatemyselfforwantingmore]

LETTER TO MY PAST SELF.

Writing this hurts so much, because I'm very sorry for the way that I treated you. You didn't deserve anything of the crap I decided to do to you just because I hated you for no reason; for the way people who didn't even matter perceived you. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself, because now I realize that if I had been there for you things would've been very different for the both of us. I hope you can forgive me someday. I know you hate me, and that's killing me.

I don't know if I should tell you everything that happened. Maybe it's for the best that you don't know. You couldn't have prevented it from happening, anyways. You were young and naive, looking for love in all the wrong places. I understand you now, even though I used to blame you.

I owe you a big apology. Things got worse. We didn't make any new friends. We didn't have our 'Perks Of Being A Wallflower' moment, where people realized how special we are and treated us as such thing. In fact, I'm very sorry to tell you that real life is nothing like the movies or books I know you love to read. No one shows up in your life to save you and love you for infinity. You don't get to feel infinite.

I'm sorry, this letter is becoming very bittersweet and I know it's gonna be a difficult read for you because you probably thought that by now we'd have our shit together. We don't. I don't want to tell you this because I know you're fragile, but things only got worse. But please don't worry or panic about it, because it wasn't your fault. It never was. No matter how much you blame yourself. I hope you can forgive yourself one day.

The things from the past - they still hurt. They will probably always hurt. I know that you thought we'd go to school and meet new people and forget about the ones that hurt us, but life doesn't work that way. It's going to be really hard for you to understand this. We have now understood that life isn't about waiting for someone to love us. You have to love yourself first. I know you hate to hear this, but if you don't love yourself, then no one is going to actually love you.

I wish I could be there for you like a wise older sister who helps you survive high school and just makes you happy overall. But I can't. I'm stuck in the future and in the past at the same time. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed it. You deserved better. I'm trying to take care of you now. I hope you always remember that nothing was ever your fault, and I send you a big hug filled with love.

Things got worse. But they will get better. I promise for you and me.