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[igottagetthroughthisposts-blog]

About me

You are going to get through this

You are happy now and will be happier still and though there will be dark moments and dark days, this is not the world ending.

This is about me, about my recovery a survivor of things that I can allude to but cannot yet say out loud or write, as I prepare to dive in to a second bout of therapy. After one happy year, I feel the need to take a moment, mainly because I am terrified that I may not be ‘in the moment’ again or at least for a while.

Last year I nearly lost it. I did lose my job and about a gallon of water a day through tears. I lost all sense of self and cried for 4 months straight.  I didn’t know how to deal with anything, my past coping mechanisms of how to get through life stopped working to the point that I felt I had tricked myself through getting through my teen years and the early parts of adult hood which left me feeling depressed and as though I didn’t have a personality (I’m still not sure if I do or what that even means!) or any real friends. I tried to ‘cling on’ which meant constantly seeking reassurance from my boyfriend (in between crying uncontrollably) which just pushed him away which hurt like hell, mainly because I could understand how he felt more that I could myself, but this was why I needed him and needed help to just stay afloat – not realising of course that I was nowhere near afloat at this stage.

A year on I have done a lot of work I’m still not sure what my personality is but am slowly rebuilding from the inside out and working out where I feel comfortable and where I don’t and accepting that my comfort levels can and will change from day to day, sometimes moment to moment and that is ok. That IS OK.  Accepting that I do not have to ‘bring anything to the table’ to my friends is a struggle that I am dealing with.  In losing sense of self it is hard to not become obsessed with who you are, or more accurately, who you aren’t but for me, I have learnt that being quiet is ok (my friends would argue here that I am far from quiet- which equally angers me and fills me with joy) which has meant that I no longer overshare. This means that I no longer use my life experiences as anecdotes nor do I make myself vulnerable just to give another person a ‘safe space’. My life is important and my experience means something and although I have not yet come to terms with them (yet), these are now mine to share when necessary and comfortable. This has allowed me to be more reserved as I no longer jump into conversations with a story of something that I did once for a laugh, or an embarrassing anecdote or a horrible experience that I’ve trivialised just to be part of the chat. In not ‘bearing all’ I have found comfort in being quiet and honest with myself about when I do want to join and when I don’t. I have found space to work out how I feel about conversations and how to respond which I have found empowering although not without its difficulties. I enjoy being a round people and don’t want to be the weirdo sat in the corner not speaking but, in my silence, I have noticed that other people also sit quietly and only join in when they feel comfortable and that is fine so of course it’s fine that I do the same- at first I was baffled and wonder if this is just how people are all the time but I’ve just been too much of a space filler to notice?! I have no idea but I like it here! Although I of course fuck that up sometimes and I must forgive myself when I say something stupid and try not to feel the shame of my boyfriend when he hears me say something dumb- I am changed, I am just not perfect!

Feelings flutter through, despair, fear, jealousy, insecurity, anger but they pass now, they no longer consume me, well they no longer consumed me I am now due to start round 2 of therapy and to be honest, I am 50% READY AND EQUIPPED AND READY AND EQUIPPED and shitting it as is this the world slowly closing in on me to a slow dark lonely crushing end.

[igottagetthroughthisposts-blog]

I gotta get through this...

ABOUT ME

This is anonymous and therefore unapologetic ( I’m fairly sure that this is my way of saying sorry but whatevs, I am TRYING!) I have lived with depression since childhood. It comes and goes as it pleases and it comes through in different ways each time, which keeps it interesting (by which I mean really fricking annoying). Sometimes I cant walk, sometimes I cant leave the house and more recently it has come through in waves of tears and varying levels of anxiety. I deal with it in different ways, sometimes not even realising that I am dealing with anything, and sometimes by not dealing with at all.   I have ‘lived’ with it, by which I mean I have achieved what I wanted- I am determined and driven if not conflicted with overwhelming feelings of despair, fear and low self worth (the party is really starting) but whatever,  now feels like crunch time. I cant trick my way through my thirties so I gotta get honest and bleeeuurrgghhh, I gotta get through this (big up DB).

This is my attempt at coping with round 2 of therapy...