igotoseekagreatalyssa-blog

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Expectations are a tricky thing. They are at the start of every time I feel let down and sad. I have learned this time and time again but sometimes they tend to sneak in anyways. And because selfishly I have let myself form expectations I now am having to deal with readjusting those expectations. Today I started packing my room. My room in my own rented house. The very room where I fell in love with the man who so much so deserves the love I give him. A room where him and I shared many of our firsts of our relationship. Our first kiss. Our first sleepover. Our first time. Our first I love yous. A room where him and I spent the last year learning about eachother and how to love eachother. A room where there were days we couldn't get out of bed because we were too in love. And days we couldn't get out of bed because the world seemed too hard to face. A room where I found and grew a love I never thought I would find. A love that is not always easy but always worth the fight. I am supposed to be packing to move in with this boy. To start our lives together. And maybe if I was doing that it would be easier for me to say goodbye to this room of love found. But I'm not. And it is not entirely his fault nor mine that us moving in together is not happening. It is just not our time. We both need a little more time to figure some things out before we make that step. And I understand that it's necessary and good. That this positively sets us up for a better life together. But today as I started to pack boxes of my things I felt sad and let down that my life is not headed in the direction I expected it to. Expectations are a cold dark bitch that seem to slap you when you least expect it to. So today I take the slap, so hard I can feel the sting hours after and I choose to move on. To a better future for us. One that I know one day will be you and I getting to navigate this messy life together day in and day out. We just have to wait a little longer.

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Getting ready to get back into that hot yoga... #lululemon

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Went to the eye doctor yesterday and as expected Im close to blind. So now not only am I nerdy on the inside I am now also nerdy on the outside. But at least they're Burberry. #glassses4lyfe

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Morning Hope

As I felt my eyelids flutter first thing this morning all I could feel was you and how tangled up in you I was. I could feel my left foot was cradled in between your calves. My arm draped across your stomach and my fingers sweatily criss crossed into yours. My face pressed up against the side of your head. I pulled my head away to look at you. I know people always say it's creepy to watch others sleep but I can't help it with you. And I should get a free pass at the creepiness if I love you, right? But it was cut short because you felt me stir and you turned your head to the side to whisper a husky good morning and give me my morning kiss. Now here's the thing, it is my favorite thing in the world to fall asleep with you and to spend entire nights so wrapped up in you I forget about everything else. But I love to wake up to you even more. Because once you open those gorgeous brown eyes and pull me closer we begin our day together. A day that always starts with me sticking my leg in between yours and sliding my head into the crevice between your chest and your arm and just talking with you. Some days it's about nothing, all about details for the day or dreams we had last night. And other days it's about what we could name our children and places we've always wanted to see and moments we knew we had fallen in love. It doesn't really matter what we talk about because the space we create for us in those moments is the purest moments we share in whatever day we start together. Because in that space it's just you and me. Nothing has begun yet. It's all hope and love and an eagerness to see what the new day brings. Nothing has happened yet to remind us that our lives aren't as perfect as it feels in this moment. We are nothing but ourselves in this moment. We aren't stressed about work or money or family issues. We aren't exhausted from an 11 hour day at a job that doesn't feel worth it. We aren't consumed with worry about how we are going to find the money to pay those bills that showed up in the mail. We are hopeful and we are in love and in those minutes or hours we take to create that space it's enough. Enough to remind ourselves that what we have is worth fighting for and whatever gets thrown our way in this day ahead cannot and will not break us. And I believe it because each time I wake up and you're still here and you look at me I can feel it in my deepest parts of my soul that what we have is enough even if everything else isn't. You're enough. Our love is enough. It's worth the fight, the work, the effort. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

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Wedding day selfie. #sisters #wedddingselfie

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Also on a side note happy FIFA World Cup Day One! Can't wait for Italy's first game on Saturday. #FIFA #SoccerAddict #Italy2014

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Got my wedding nails done. It's all coming together now. T minus one day till my momma ties the knot. #maidofhonornails #gopinkorgohome

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Sunsets and beaches with my boy. Life is better with him by my side. #luckyinlove

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Oh I am prepared to be hooked... I've only been waiting for what feels like FOREVER for this day. #bookreleaseday #CoHF

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Got to spend the night with one of my favorites tonight. I couldn't be more proud to be her big sister... Ps- I even chose the one you liked best @beejbrown 😘

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We both knew this day was coming. It just felt like it would never come. It was something we always talked about future tense. And then yesterday it came. The day you left. Now I know two weeks isn't a forever amount of time to be apart but it feels that way. I always knew this was an adventure you needed to take on your own and I knew it was going to hurt to be without you but I didn't expect this. Driving with you to the airport trying to memorize your face, the sound of your voice, the way your eyes crinkle at the side when you smile at me, the way your laugh takes up the whole inside of my chest when I hear it. I kept wanting to reach over and just touch you. Touch you all over to just feel you one last time before you left. To feel any part of you. But your dad was there and each time I started to reach over I stopped myself, and I wish I hadn't. As we parked in the dimly lit and super full airport parking lot, popped the trunk and took your bags out I could feel my stomach begin to sicken at the thought that this was one of the last steps we needed to take to get you on your plane. A plane that was taking you 4000 miles away from me. We walked through the over pass and the light from the day flooded in and you winked at me. I felt my heart palpitate and it didn't feel good, but I smiled anyways. Because I know you needed me to be strong. I didn't want it to hurt you to leave me like it was hurting me to let you go. We checked you in and got your boarding pass and began to roam the airport looking for your gate. I checked my phone for the time knowing it was almost up with you. It was getting harder for me to breathe. This has to be easier for the one doing the leaving, they have so much to look forward to, so much to do to keep them occupied from missing the ones they love. But for those getting left behind, having to do every day life things that you were always a part of, well it's absolute torture. And then it was time. And although I knew it was coming I wasn't ready. There wasn't enough time. You turned to me and said bye baby and kissed both my cheeks and my lips and wrapped your arms around me. All I could get out was I love you. And then you were walking away. Walking away with my heart as I was left standing there with my chest ripped open and bloody and empty because you took all the best pieces of me with you. You turned back and waved just slightly and I could have fallen down right there and collapsed wailing for you not to go. But instead I smiled and waved back. I had to hold my tears in all the way home because I didn't want to make your dad feel uncomfortable. And for a couple minutes I tricked myself into thinking you weren't gone. But as soon as I walked into my room, everything smelt of you and it was like taking a knife to the heart. As I laid in bed with all the lights off trying to take in all of your scent from your side of the bed I cried. I cried because I don't want to be here without you or anywhere without you for that matter. I cried because I don't know how I'm going to get through these next thirteen days without you. But because I love you all I want for you is to be happy and have fun and take the time you need to relax and recuperate and then come home to me and never leave me again. Because I love you I will get through these days and learn to let you go until you get home and I never have to again. Because I can't do this again. Going to sleep without you, waking up without you and doing everything in between without you, I can't do it. And I won't. So come back safe to me my love and for my sake I hope these days pass quickly for me but slowly for you. I will be loving you and missing you every minute of every day. I just wish it didn't hurt so much to love you right now.

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Someone gots some good Easter gifts from her boy. It's love at first sight. 😍 #MK #crossbodylove #newsunnies

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Happy Easters! Taking part in my favorite tradition today... My fingers are not so happy but I am.

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Times Square. Nuff said. 😍

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Central Park at dusk. Not too shabby... #NYC

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One of the first photos of NYC I took. Right outside my hotel. NYC I kinda love you. #NYC

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Demigods and sunshine on a Tuesday after work? Yes please. #booksbeforepeople #wordaddict #percyforever