ignoringthelightundermynose

[ignoringthelightundermynose]

Hope for passion

Ya boi is back.

Not sure what I'm going to talk about. I kinda forgot tumblr existed. Surprising stuff happened today. I went back and read every post I made.

Some God awful cringe. But I suppose it's supposed to be cringey at this point. This post will seem cringey a few years down the line, I'm sure.

There were so many things that I left unfinished here.

I don't even remember what she wanted to talk about. I don't even remember her voice. I realized recently that I have really really bad memory. I tend to repress my positive memories and tend to repress fucked up memories of mine.

I get a feeling. I kind of think I understand what a memory was about but my mind doesn't want me to go back.

I opened tumblr after almost a year today. I got a message from someone I used to speak to years ago. I did not remember her. She apologized to me for having been rude. I did not remember that either.

Given my family's history with memory related issues I do get a little scared thinking about this. But I guess worrying helps with nothing. Not right now anyway.

The pandemic has been.... Uneventful. Kinda. My dad got covid in the beginning of March. He took it like a champ. He was isolated in my room and got away with a few fevers and a couple of horrible headaches. Truly blessed. Wonder if there really is a divine being on the look out.

I'm very grateful. For everything I have. I constantly wish for more but I think I'm happy and glad for what I have. That's new for me.

Oh and the crush I spoke about a few posts ago? She's now with who I thought was my best friend so that's awesome. Not sure if he's not my best friend. I've not spoken to him in a while. Plus I don't even think the crush I had on her lasted longer than a few months after that post. So it was more like I lost a friend.

But I don't wanna talk about that now. I don't have a lot of friends these days but unlike before, I'm not too bothered by that. I do long for a real meaningful connection these days. I used to have a lot of those. Never realised what I had and let it all go away. Wish I could go back and re-do it all but we have to live with the choices we make.

I want a lot more time to just do nothing. I want a lot more time to do everything. I wanna know who I am and who I'm meant to be.

I barely write anymore. I barely make songs anymore. But I'm happy with every single one that I've made. I hate them all. But I really do enjoy them. It's weird but that's how it goes I guess. I hope I write more. I hope I make more music. I hope I get to do all the things I want to.

I feel guilty now because of how selfish I sound right now. The world is burning and here I am blogging about my mundane life. But I guess this mundane life is valid too. I don't know. I feel helpless and at peace. At the sane time. I feel terrified of how mundane everything is. There's no drive, no force. I don't feel passionate about anything. I wanna do it all but I want time.

It's difficult but I suppose this hardship is the norm. Just average. I want to be more.

[ignoringthelightundermynose]

The Killer

With blood on his shoes and a knife in his hand, the killer stabbed her with a swing. Oh the lust he felt. Finally, he was able to quench his thirst. How long has it been since he felt the warm blood on his hand and the soft flesh quivering? Too long. He pulled the knife out and stabbed her once more. Once more, and another time and then for the last time. The light in her soft grey eyes had disappeared. He longed for it no more. Though he loved the physical sensation of cutting open flesh and being able to smell the fresh blood of his victims, he never once loved the idea of a life disappearing in front of him. This always left him feeling empty.

'Why would I like cutting them open and peering into their physical being, when I want them to remain here?' He thought to himself. He would soon learn the answer to that question, as another force had appeared on the same plane of existence. He just had to wait for the red thread of fate to guide him to his best friend to be, the friend who would let him cut open his flesh and not flinch and the friend who would never allow his soul to move on. The friend was on his way.

Once the killer was done with the victim, he regained his senses. His lust had disappeared and survival took over. He had to clean up and get rid of anything that could connect him to the murder. He took the victim's body to her bath tub and gently laid her down and let the water run. As she soaked, with her new music subscription, he listened to one of his favourite songs: Margrethe Blossom Desire's L'Ètang. Her supple voice and her sneaky accent filled him with a calm he felt only when he thought of running through a meadow of pink grass and blue trees.

With the song on repeat, melting through the victim's stellar quality speakers, he started cleaning up. He had brought the bleach and plastic and got to work.

It was dawn by the time he was done and could see the sun peek at him through the window sill. He wiped a sweat off his forehead and got into the bath, now missing a body and cleansed himself and allowed his body to sway softly as he started tearing up at the thought of dancing with the victim to the song which had been on repeat throughout the night and closed his eyes and drifted off into a deep slumber.

[ignoringthelightundermynose]

Tonight, I partied.

Yeah. That's right I fucking partied and t'was average. Not the typical alcohol and drugs party, no there was none of that here. Just a bunch of my really good friends, this girl I have a crush on and my ex (who actually threw the party btw). Yes a perfect combination of people, I'm aware.

We didn't do anything crazy, just jammed a few Christmas songs which I didn't know, but I still enjoyed them singing it and then it just transitioned into Eminem and I know Eminem so my crush and I crushed (see what I did there?) the raps. It was pretty cool. I do regret not having interacted with her properly though. We won't get to meet for quite a while after this because her parents are the typical conservative parents who are mildly liberal. I'm not quite sure how that works but it does I guess.

I did something I'm not too proud of too, though. I bad mouthed my ex to a friend of mine outside the house at which she was having a sleep over. I'm pretty sure she didn't hear us but I won't know for sure. But like I said to my friend, she's a sweet nice girl. I really like her, but there's just something about her.

Something

Something that bothered me, something I found weird, something that made me not want to be around her. I noticed it before and during our relationship but I always ignored it because I was young and she had been the first woman to ever say that she liked me. 9 months is a long time. I should say 8ish months really, but it's still a while. We were long distance so I guess that made it tolerable, but I always knew something was wrong and I didn't want to be with her and so I ended it. It was a very clean break up. Like I said, she's a very sweet and normal person so she didn't hold it against me at all but in fact she welcomed it. But she made it weird again, she claimed to have also wanted to break up and when I told her I've known for a while, she said she knew too. And again when I told her that I actually knew since before we started going out, she said she felt it too. Now I was confused at first but it makes sense now. She wants to meet me because she has things to say to me.

Oh Jesus

That reference is for the Bill Burr fan in me.

I don't want to. It's weird enough that we meet at least once in two months because we share the same friends circle, but now she wants to meet cause she wants to tell me something that's been thinking?

OH HELL NO

Was my first thought. But my friends have convinced me that I need to meet her cause I owe it to her. I disagree but they won't change their stance and my crush (With whom I talk about my ex. Yes. Terrible idea, I know. I'm heading straight for the zone. Maybe I'm already in it) says that "she just wants to talk" but that was my point exactly. SHE wants to talk. I really don't. It's bad enough that I have to interact with her when we're around people, but meeting her ALONE? VOLUNTARILY? RIP and press F to pay respect.

I told her that if she could tell me what she wanted to on call she could. But it its so important that we have to meet for her to tell me, I'd meet her. I don't know what I've done but I've done it. I wonder if I should've just ghosted her. But I'm not that kind of a person so I conceded.

Hopefully this doesn't take a turn for the worse and I hope she doesn't bring up how she doesn't like the way I interact with her. Because if she does, it's not like I'm going to change how I behave. I know we had a good break up but I'm so glad we broke up. I just don't feel comfortable in being around her or interacting with her and I hope I'll be able to continue on without having to interact normally.

Anyway, Merry Christmas! It's 12:02 AM as I'm typing this and its officially December the 25th!

Hope the New Year isn't as bad as 2018.

This has been a weird year for me. I shall write about it on the 31st, hopefully.

For now though,

Ciao :)

[ignoringthelightundermynose]

I used to like this girl

OOoooOOOOOOh

SO! ORiGiNal!!!1111

I know, right?

But I'm going to write it down. Put it into words and you're clearly reading this, so I don't see a reason to stop writing this.

So it's 2:01 AM on the 24th of December, 2018. The new year is fast approaching and this girl's birthday is in January! I just reminded myself of this fact with which I can do absolutely nothing because I last spoke to this girl on her birthday a year ago though I'm not sure how far a DM passes for speaking to someone. But I did, I wished her a happy birthday and tried to get the ball rolling because it had been almost a year since we last spoke and I'm not going to lie, I missed her. A lot. Heck I miss her now. That's probably why I'm writing. No, that's definitely why I'm writing and with that, I've reminded myself why I started writing. The whole pseudo-backstory thing was me digressing. I might have ADHD. Dope.

Anyway, it's whatever time I said it was, and the reason why I've ended up creating this tumblr is because of her. The girl I used to like. Though its highly probable that the person I used to know and who she is now are two vastly different people, I still follow her on Instagram. Yes, ever the millennial, amiright? I have 3 accounts in total. One for my music stuff where I shall never reveal my identity till its the right time, the other is the public account where I post my singing stuff with my face plastered on and finally the account I use the most, my private account where 80% of the people I follow and who follow me are people I haven't spoken to in months or tried but never got to move past a "Hey man we should totally catch up!" phone call. Ironic, I know.

I rarely ever visit this account, but dear old insta just had to send me a notification luring me into the trap that led me down the rabbit hole which has me typing this out. But fast forward to when I'm on her profile because it just happens, and I'm staring at her newly changes display picture. Beautiful as ever but no new posts, not a one. Of course she had her blog linked in her bio. Now I had read these posts of hers multiple times in the past but I remembered nothing but the name of the blog. Of course I'm not going to put it down here, but I wish I could because that'd give so much context to me explaining why I like it so much. Now going onto her word press blogsite, I couldn't help but gawk at the magnificent, pure

A E S T H E T I C

I do realize now that it could be some template but it still looked amazing and made me want to read everything she had written. But my brain just had to do it to me and started scouring for anything that could be interpreted as something relating to me. "Did she write about me? Oh okay she didn't this time. Wait what about the time right after we stopped talking? Maybe she used this as an outlet? Nope? Well maybe this, but I'm not sure."

I immediately kicked myself right in the head because I'm totally that flexible and made myself stop thinking for a second and start taking in. I wanted to read what she had written. She has a way with words, the time we spent together working had me read her writing a considerable number of times and I remember her to be very well versed when it came to handling words with such care. And so I tried reading her words. But my brain went into overdrive again."Oh she wrote about overthinking things. That's gotta be connected to me, right?"

No, you dumbass. No. It's about her. How fucking ironic, right? Here I am overthinking her feelings about overthinking and not taking the essence of what it meant. Stop it. Get some help. And so I did, I stopped it. I stopped reading and I remembered what an amazing outlet writing was. No, not writing for the sake of showing someone "HERE SEE I CAN WRITE!" no, but writing for the sake of writing. And I think the latter is pretty wonderful and its giving me some sort of fulfillment. I like how I feel when I hear my keyboard make the tapping sound as I rush my fingers around, trying not to make an error.

So I'm thankful to the girl I used to like. You've brought me back. You've made me go back to something I used to adore. Maybe me thinking of you as often as I do is meant to be. Maybe I'll stop, or maybe I won't.

But like you said, I need to live my life like any other day and things will happen as they happen.

Goodnight :)

[ignoringthelightundermynose]

Why are we here?

Just to suffer?

Probably.

Why am I 'here' specifically? Well not to be in the public eye. This is for myself. There's no

HASHTAGS

Nope. None of that. I won't be showing this to anyone. At least not in the near future.

If you happen to see this by total accident, you don't have to leave but this ain't for you, bub.

Jesus who speaks like that? Oh well. Not like you'd like reading these pure unadulterated thoughts of mine anyway. What was I thinking? Oh well.

[ignoringthelightundermynose]

Hi, I'm not sure.

Hi, it's been a while, hasn't it? It's been far too long. I know I said it already, but why am I tearing up as I'm typing this? I'm not sure. But all I know is that its been a while since I wrote.

I'm not entirely sure why I stopped. I'm not entirely sure what I used to write or why I used to write. I used to be creative, I'm not sure if I am anymore. I think I am. I write songs everyday, every night. I hear a random phrase and I latch on like the mosquito that dug into me as I wrote the previous sentence. I latch on and create a narrative and then I write the song. I've always had to explain them though. I'm not sure if that's a testament to how good of a lyricist I am or how poor my skills if you can even call it that are.

I'm not here to talk about my songs though. No, I'm here to write. It's been far too long. The last thing I wrote was a few months ago? The worst piece of hot garbage that I've ever put down, really. I was frustrated and wanted to scream into a pillow but I couldn't because I was in college! My favorite place yay! So I turned to my old friend, the pencil to take me back and help me blow off some steam.

Oh boy I was wrong to think I could just pick him up and expect to be as good, or at least not as bad as I was. Because it was horrible. I'm sure this is pretty damn awful as well, but that is of no consequence because I'm here to "gitgud" or get better at least once more. But again, I'm not sure. I'm not sure at all. I'm not sure if there will be another post. I'm not sure I'll even remember this blog in a couple of months because God knows how easy it is for people to forget things especially other people. Thrown away like old gum. But I don't want to really get into that now. Maybe next time I'll tell you about what made me want to come back. Maybe.

But till next time, I'll stay unsure.

Ciao.