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25 Year Old’s View on Parenting

Although children may be raised with the same fundamentals; no two children will be parented exactly the same. A parent may feel as though they are raising two siblings exactly the same but these two people are two different personalities and how they take to this parent are completely different. A parent might raise two children the same and one may become very successful and independent whereas the other may be in and out of jail. There is such a crucial point in a child’s life where they absolutely need their parents and how a parent’s choice to do so is incredibly important. There’s nothing more terrifying than to see one’s own child make terrible decisions when they have come to the age of independence and that is why it is a parent’s duty to try everything humanly possible to make decisions to help raise them be able to solve, cope, and get over anything that may be thrown at one in one’s life.

Psychologist Diana Baumrind suggests that there are three types of parenting methods: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. The authoritarian parent is one whom almost raises their child as a prisoner; the child has strict rules, no voice, and must do as the parent says without any other options. Whereas the permissive parent does the exact opposite; the child makes their own rules, let’s the child be the boss, and the parent expects the child to make the right decision on their own without having any respect given to them. Then finally the perfect yin and yang balance of both methods is the authoritative. This last method the parents give the children enough room to make mistakes in order to learn from, these parents are respected by their children enough to be listened to, and learn how to become self-reliant.

In an online journal, the bad influences of authoritarian methods are hypothesized to later cause anxiety “The basic and general hypotheses are that a young person's career unreadiness, indecision or myth, sustains anxiety and stems from his or her authoritarian upbringing.”(Cheung & Wu, 20154) This journal outlines that children from a young age have this pressure that is overwhelming enough to cause anxiety in specifically the workplace. Thus this article reveals how authoritarian parenting does not help a child grow into a confident and sure adult, rather an adult whom actively fears failure enough to invoke anxiety.

In another online journal, the connection between permissive parenting and aberrant behavior is outlined, “The available literature suggests that permissive parenting predicts deviant peer affiliation which, in turn, predicts delinquent behaviors.” (Erath, Tu, & Sheikh, 2016). Furthermore, this article suggests that these friends that the children of permissive parent’s make influence them more than their own parents. Therefore, these children are more prone to make bad decisions leading to getting them in trouble.

Lastly, the happy medium of both parenting styles, the authoritative style, “Children of authoritative parents display high self-esteem and tend to be self-reliant, self-controlled, secure, popular and inquisitive” (Hesari, & Hejaz, 2011). With all these adjectives a child can’t seemingly be anything other than successful. Although this style isn’t perfect, it seems as though this style would help the most through all the phases a child goes through. In depth, if a child feels as though they can connect and talk through their problems with their parent it makes the child actually capable of working through their problem. This is not possible with the other parenting styles because the authoritarian scares a child from voicing their opinion, and the permissive parent leaves the child to blame when an adult should have interfered.

 A family that displaces all these types of parenting can be seen with while watching the fictional series Arrested Development with the Bluth family. When the head of the family was around he was the authoritarian parent. Whereas his children decided to raise their own children very differently. Michael Bluth decided to raise his son, George-Michael, with the authoritative method. Whereas Michael’s sister, Lindsay, decided to raise her daughter, Maeby, with the permissive parent method. With both Michael and Lindsay being the same age their diverse way of parenting is made very obvious.

 Personally I think l never took any parenting classes or did any research while I was pregnant because I thought it would shut down my natural instinct to parent my child. As an adult, your understanding of right and wrong should have fully matured so as a parent it is your duty to teach this to your child. It’s too easy to let your children run your life, and it’s way too easy to only have it your way and control them. I’m not sure at what age the transition is from your parent’s mistakes turn into your mistakes;  but at some point the responsibility needs to be taken. Although some people go their whole entire life not taking responsibility and blaming other for their shortcomings. In the long run though, without realizing the wrongs that your parent’s have taken the likability of you making the same mistakes rises exponentially.

  Cheung, Chau-Kiu, Cheung, Hoi Yan, & Wu, Joseph. (2014). Career unreadiness in relation to anxiety and

authoritarian parenting among undergraduates. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth,

19(3), 336-349.

Hesari, & Hejazi. (2011). The Mediating Role of Self Esteem in the Relationship Between

the Authoritative Parenting Style and Aggression. Procedia - Social and Behavioral

Sciences,30, 1724-1730.

Hinnant, J., Erath, B., Tu, S., & El-Sheikh, A. (2016). Permissive Parenting, Deviant Peer

Affiliations, and Delinquent Behavior in Adolescence: The Moderating Role of

Sympathetic Nervous System Reactivity. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 44(6), 1071-1081.

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George Bluth, an Authoritarian, displaying unorthodox parenting lessons to his young children.  

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Matilda’s father from beginning to the end of the movie Matilda portrays himself of an Authoritarian parent. I will always remember this quote from when I was younger and watching this movie.

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In the movie Moana, Moana’s father portrays the Authoritarian parenting style whereas her mother portrays the Authoritative parenting style which is portrayed in the video above. Although I don’t like that her mother discourages her from following her dreams; she is in the long run trying to protect her. 

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Michael decides to raise his son, George-Michael, modeling the Authoritative parenting style.

https://images.spoilertv.com/arrested-development/season-1/cast-promotional-photos/arrested-development-s1-george-michael-and-michael.jpg.php

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Lindsay and Tobias raise their daughter, Maeby, modeling the Permissive parenting style.

https://arresteddevelopment.fandom.com/wiki/Maeby_F%C3%BCnke

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The Bluth family portrays all three parenting styles. 

https://www.denofgeek.com/us/tv/20999/why-you-should-watch-arrested-development

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25 Year Old’s View on Divorce

When divorce within a family comes to mind it feels like there’s such a negative connotation; a family being torn apart and/or a union between two people that has a devastating ending. As a child it is such a hard concept to grasp. As a teen, it feels so dramatic and in some cases these teens think it’s their fault. Not til adulthood is it something easier to understand, with accepting coming sometime later. But divorce can be a beautiful thing, a new beginning; breaking the shackles of a terrible relationship and giving one the space to finally become their true potential. In this entry will be highlighted one reason for divorce, things to consider before divorce, and psychological deterrents to a divorce with children.

Divorce doesn’t just happen in a day; it is a well calculated decision to make especially when children are involved. The textbook highlights some key points that may lead to divorce including “either spouse was a teenager when married, either wife was pregnant before marriage, either spouse ever cohabited before marriage” (Hammond, Chapter 12). This meaning that if you add either of those things along with being pregnant, one’s odds of divorce increase exponentially.  Though, this seems like such a contradictory statement, due to two people being so self-sacrificing in the way of thinking they are making the best decision for their child by staying together. This eventual break up can be visualized with the marriage being the foundation, the first story being the born child, and each story thereafter being added problems, stress, and/or more children. With each story being added to this weak foundation more damage that is unable to be repaired, eventually makes the whole thing fall apart. So, this need for a strong foundation and willingness to overcome problems between both parents is extremely crucial.

The textbook gives such a clear-cut line of action to take for a divorce; how it is broken down makes so much sense logically. But what really isn’t put into to play is how bad emotionally a break up like this is. And since being economically stable is a must with children something to consider is how much it costs to get a divorce. According to an online journal,

“we notice at a more specific level that the costly nature of the divorce process may act as an additional and independent deterrent to marriage; once people anticipate that their marriage may end up in a divorce, they may be less prone to marry, and choose a looser form of union (say, cohabitation), if they estimate a very large probability of divorce and are aware of its high costs. (Bell, 3)”.

In depth, although a divorce may seem like a one-time cost with surface thinking; like children it is an ongoing cost.  

One psychological deterrent to divorce is that some parents stay together because they feel there’s a reason that they have children. This is more so like a spiritual ideology that it’s part of a bigger picture and that the miraculous gift of children is to be shared with the person you started it with. According to an online journal,

“For many, marriage is so closely associated with their religion that they might view their divorce as a sacred loss. Those who do tend to have higher levels of depression post-divorce than those who do not see their marriage this way” (Krumrei).

In depth, for people with this ideology there is an ongoing guilt that makes it harder for individuals to move on. Usually there is a deep-rooted feeling that being divorced is extremely wrong.

Another psychological deterrent is nostalgia; one of the most deceiving things in the world. This sometimes fuels the desire of being together again. Forever searching and longing for a different time where even the individuals were different; something utterly unattainable. As written in the book “Love”, “One can never relive anything, for it remains always, at best, only a poor copy of the original” (Buscaglia, 91). Although this is a hard truth it is even made harder when think back on sharing first moments with children.

In all honesty though, how is a child supposed to learn how to love someone and have a thriving relationship when exposed everyday to a terrible example. When my youngest son was six weeks and my oldest son was 16 months old; I made the decision to pack their father’s belongings up and remove him from the house. Although this wasn’t a divorce it sure has felt like one. This may also sound cruel but this was a well thought out decision; and it may sound clique but a mother’s instinct is usually right. My children are the only thing that gave me the nerve to end the relationship.

Nights when both my children are crying with the thought of it all starting tomorrow again overwhelms me, is when I think how easy it would be just to be with their father again. But something in me remains to stay unbroken; maybe it’s the strong desire to protect my children from any emotional damage, maybe it’s my faith, maybe it’s the terrifying thought of how much worse our relationship could have gotten, maybe it’s being utterly delusional from these years of sleep deprivation, or maybe it’s knowing that I need to be loved in a different way by someone. With all of this I wish I could have a glimpse of five years from now and know we made it out okay, but I guess that’s the most beautiful thing about life is not knowing.

     Natasha K. Bell, Steven M. Harris, Sarah A. Crabtree, Sarah M. Allen & Kelly M.

Roberts (2018) Divorce Decision-Making and the Divine, Journal of Divorce &

Remarriage, 59:1, 37-50, DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2017.1375330

 Buscaglia, Leo. (1985) Love. 91, Ballatine.

 Hammond, R., Cheney, P, Pearsey, R. (2015). Sociology of the Family. Chapter 12: Divorce

and Seperation-Chapter 13: Remarriage and Stepfamilies. RockyRidgePress.

  Krumrei, Mahoney, & Pargament, 2011aKrumrei, E. J., Mahoney, A.,

& Pargament, K. I. (2011a). Demonization of divorce: Prevalence rates and links to postdivorce adjustment. Family Relations, 60, 90–103. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3729.2010.00635.x[Crossref], [Web of Science ®], [Google Scholar]). Negative religious coping, such as feeling tension between one’s desire to divorce and one’s commitment to a spiritual community, feeling guilt or shame due to one’s divorce, or believing that a divorce is the result of God’s punishment, have also been associated with higher levels of depression in divorcees (Krumrei, Mahoney, & Pargament, 2011bKrumrei, E. J., Mahoney, A., & Pargament, K. I. (2011b). Spiritual stress and coping model of divorce: A longitudinal study. Journal of Family Psychology, 25, 973–985. doi:10.1037/a0025879[Crossref], [PubMed], [Web of Science ®], [Google Scholar]). Some might even go so far as to demonize their divorce or to believe that it was the devil that “caused” the divorce. These beliefs have also been shown to be correlated with greater psychological maladjustment following a divorce (Krumrei et al., 2011aKrumrei, E. J., Mahoney, A., & Pargament, K. I. (2011a). Demonization of divorce: Prevalence rates and links to postdivorce adjustment. Family Relations, 60, 90–103. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3729.2010.00635.x[Crossref], [Web of Science ®], [Google Scholar])

On the Causes and Consequences of Divorce. (2008), 1–25. Retrieved from

http://search.ebscohost.com.lib-proxy.fullerton.edu/login.aspx%3fdirect%3dtrue%26db%3deoh%26AN%3dEP48548253%26site%3dehost-live%26scope%3dsite

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Now today with my youngest.

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My abused copy of Love by Leo Buscaglia.

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In the thick of figuring out my ever changing children.

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USC professor Leo Buscaglia throughout this book helps to guide one through the ever changing way of love. Buscaglia makes a huge point of the growth of a relationship and that when one or both stop personal growth thereafter the relationship is dead. 

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Plath fully portrays the anxiety of feeling like time is getting away too fast and the urgency to take ahold of one’s life. 

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Inserting clique break up song but putting to music feeling toward the old relationship.

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Ten days from this picture being taken is when this family of three began a new journey.