ifthewordisred

[ifthewordisred]

#6

i've discovered by accident that im excluded from my colleagues group chat. chances are it's because they don't like me or i am thinking too much about wanting them to like me.

perhaps this is the fate of working anywhere - people will exclude you no matter how nice they are to you in your face - and you can only smile and plan your resignation quietly.

i wonder if they realise how painful it is to pretend you're stupid.

[ifthewordisred]

#5

I've been listening to PVRIS a lot more recently since I've always loved their first album.

And I honestly can say that after being into KPOP, they're really good at pulling me back into alt-rock-pop music because holy fuck, the sounds in their albums are fucking fire.

They're amazing. I wish they could perform in Malaysia. I think I am in love with Lynn Gunn? Again? How many times does one fall in love with the same vocalist for 10 years

We also share the same birthday but 1 year apart huhu

[ifthewordisred]

#4

salary is in! It's a lot more than I usually get so I find that amazing

salary plus bonus let's gooooo

[ifthewordisred]

#3

somehow, I feel terribly unnerved

like something bad is going to happen and I will be helpless against it

this feeling of sadness, fear and hesitancy is making me feel like i'm drowning

as it's overwhelming my senses and all i can do to combat it is to listen to music

maybe it's because i'm really hungry but i only have 38 bucks to my name whereby a meal costs roughly 10 bucks and that means for a while until my salary i can only afford about 4 meals if i am lucky or smart

so dramatic just because i didn't have lunch

[ifthewordisred]

#2

accidentally charged almost USD300 on my boss's card for a website service. I think I'm gonna end up crying about this later today

[ifthewordisred]

#1

you have successfully made me question my self

[ifthewordisred]

red's musings #1,

Dear diary, (If The Word Is Red.)

Today marks more than a year since I started living on my own, away from my parents. Reflecting on the time from 2022 until now, I've come to realize the challenges of managing finances, my beliefs, my friendships, my family, and dealing with adversaries.

When I think about it - most of my struggles seem tied to materialistic concerns, causing me so much frustration!

It's currently 2 am, and I ponder the sustainability of my current lifestyle. I earn enough, to keep myself alive, you see. Enough that I am able to eat three times a day. And yet, I failed to maintain my savings the way i have promised myself earlier this year.

Saving money has been so challenging when my desires are easily accessible with a tap on a screen. Because of this I find myself contemplating if I can afford even basic things, like a new closet or a proper phone case, while prioritizing food and beverages for myself, family and friends.

However, I'm grateful! Grateful for daily access to food, acknowledging the privilege it entails. Despite the challenges I'm going through, I feel that it is due to the love, prayers, and trust that my family has for me, and honestly... I appreciate the autonomy my family have allowed me. Without it, would I have been able to live the way I have today?

Homesickness tugs at my heart, missing my family and the friends I've lost along the way. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see them again, because the way I have been living my life feels like a timeless loop - of the same actions, same concerns.

What time should I head out to work? (If I wake up early, good! Gotta leave early or I'll miss the bus and be late - then I'd have to make a choice of being late or order a cab. ......$$ will fly with the wind if that happens. If I woke up late? Pray a lot. I may have to part with some of my money for a cab just to make sure my boss doesn't berate me. They don't do it but the fear of it happening? Always there.)

Should I eat first, or do I spend money for breakfast? (If I eat first will I have time to be at work on time? eating takes time. what if I miss the bus? If I leave without eating, how much money will I be spending for breakfast this time?)

Can I have coffee made by actual baristas today, or do I go for instant coffee later? (now this is luxury either way. I should opt for water, right? I should have water. Water is important. I'm almost always dehydrated...)

What should I have for lunch? (Will I be eating alone again? Will my colleagues bring me out to lunch with them? How much money will I spend for lunch this time?)

Always the same questions, and you know what???

It actually gets boring! Like, really! It really does. They are very lonely questions to have. Each time, money is involved. Money is almost always involved in my choices. Troublesome, isn't it?

It's almost never - should I do something interesting today?

Should I make art? (I need money for supplies)

Should I play the guitar? (I have trouble remembering lyrics and chords)

Should I allow myself any enjoyment? (I feel like there's too many things I need to do that enjoying anything at all feels like it will bear a terrible consequence)

Should I spend money on roller-skating, rock climbing or simply - shopping mindlessly without looking at my wallet? (costly. this is so expensive to even consider. oh I am so upset about this one.)

Should I go meet my friends? (I have to have enough money so we can actually enjoy good food, good drinks, good rides, and a lot of fun together.)

Another issue that I've discovered regarding my lifestyle: This is my first post, but I want you guys to know that it took a lot of emotions, a lot of turmoil, and a lot of thinking to get to here. I don't think I'm ready at all, but.... please. I really need a virtual space to be in. Books can't seem to help, no matter how many fancy journals I've purchased. Even if I have the smoothest pen known to the world, writing makes me go mad because nothing ever works as perfectly as I want it to.

You see, I've been attempting to share my thoughts on Tumblr, a platform I've used since 2011, but it's hindered by my fear of being seen. This fear, which I've only recently recognized, complicates my desire to express my thoughts and opinions.

The reason I have just started, is because... I've noticed a fear of consequences, witnessing others suffer for their past mistakes, even if they express remorse. The online world can be utterly unforgiving, making it difficult for me to overcome my fear of being seen. Despite this, my aspiration is to be a positive influence to the world, and I hope that one day, I can be someone that younger generations can somehow look up to.

I would like to say more, and more, and more things... but I won't be able to handle a large or a mega post. I still struggle with finding the words, or finding relevance in my stories that I write for you. By that, I do mean that I can be very... all over the place. Perhaps even you have experienced that type of thought process too.

I end my musings for now. I hope to write more in the next post. Perhaps with less confusion, and with more focus for my own happiness.