idle-lyla

[idle-lyla]

[idle-lyla]

hello, i haven't been here in years! so much has changed, mostly and unbelievably for the better (but never ever perfect).

a few days ago, i had my first real valentine's date. it was an absolute dream and a glaring reminder that life can be soft and it has not forgetten about me.

yesterday, we extended the celebration by going to Art Fair, which was also my first one ever. although tiring, i had the best time seeing so much art and being surrounded by people enjoying it too. art has never been my thing, but i'd like to believe i'm someone who has always been open to new experiences.

before manuel drove me home, we stopped by his house, only to discover that his brother and his brother's gf were just in the art fair too. we were then caught in an impromptu debriefing about pieces that caught our eyes. through exchanges of photos and anecdotes, i found myself growing distant from the conversation.

it's a strange feeling. i didn't have much to say about the art and i never really pictured myself getting to a place that could afford it. and so i just smiled and laughed when needed to. i couldn't identify with them and it wasn't the first time i felt this way. i remember how anxious i was the first time manuel invited me to eat lunch at his house. his family was respectful and welcoming but i just felt so guarded and so eager to please them. i couldn't initiate a conversation with them because i was too afraid to mess it up or to expose myself enough for them to dislike me. and so, i limited myself to answering their questions and making non-value adding side comments like saying how good the chorizo balls were.

although manuel reassures me that his family likes me and i've only had maybe 3-4 interactions with them, i am pestered with anxiety and i feel obligated to acknowledge it. i feel like an imposter not knowing what to add to talks of favorite country clubs, art pieces, or people in their social circle. it's as if i am transported to a different universe.

don't get me wrong though. i am my true self in manu's company alone. i have never felt so safe and so seen with anyone else in this lifetime. it means a lot to me that he is welcoming me to his world so it feels like a crime to act like an intruder in it.

at our last office christmas party, a boss drunkenly told me, "the only important thing is your relationship with him. nothing else matters." i've been trying to hold on to that advice. i owe it to myself and manuel to always try.

[idle-lyla]

[idle-lyla]

i made a list of things i have to read before possibly doing something bad for me — 

you go to my office high. you drive me home high. you get overly touchy and reckless when you're high. you smoke everyday. you say you don't have enough money but you spend as much as 20k for weed and psychedelics every other month. also, your weed pipe looks like a fat dildo.

you don't want to be seen with me in public. there's always a pretty dress put to waste.

my therapist says you are a narcissist who's been alternating between love bombing and devaluing me the past three years. this cycle has destroyed my self-worth and self-respect for the sake of building yours. at first i found this hard to believe because you never appeared self-obsessed. my therapist said, narcissists have low self-esteem but hide it very well. you appear charming and accomplished to the world with your meaningful career and advocacies. you invite me to group meditations where you speak about lovingkindness, as if you were a priest preaching the gospel. you are worse than most men, because you go out of your way pretending that you are not like most men. you are smart with your deception. truth is, you have never been good in your personal relationships, you only want an audience so people can think that you are capable of goodness. looking back, you have only been nice to me so you could take advantage.

you never say sorry. you have taken away my freedom in saying what's on my mind. whenever i feel bad and try to communicate it, you twist my story to turn yourself into the victim, so much so that i end up apologizing and regretting i ever said anything to hurt you. now i overthink the validity of my emotions rather than accepting them as they come.

you bring out the worst in me. i forget to take care of myself. non-stop crying in the hospital, in the shower, in the grab ride home. i was told i was showing PTSD symptoms.

this relationship has driven me away from my family and friends.

it was not always consensual.

it hurts that you talk to too many girls. it makes me feel very disposable. it hurt so much that day we were watching netflix on your phone and a message notification flashed on your screen. you feigned innocence and acted like it was a message from a friend.

you have daddy issues. you hate him but you are so much like him.

messy room. messy life.

i thought it was a bit romantic how we have kept this alive for so long, how we have managed to live our own lives and meet other people, only to cross paths again in the end. but i now realize that you are never letting me go, not because you (could) love me, but because you needed me to boost your ego up. you will always want me but you will never care for me.

[idle-lyla]

society if men felt even half the guilt i do

[idle-lyla]

Dear God, I was scared the whole time.

a completely new body would be nice.

[idle-lyla]

your bare minimum isn’t actually that bare or minimum. my dad once told me that there’s nothing in this world that’s easy and that’s true tbh. everything we do takes energy, time, and effort. even the little things. if you feel like you’re not doing enough please try to think about your circumstances and what’s currently available to you: chances are, there’s something that’s diverting or otherwise draining you. and to pull away from that and get something done regardless? well, i think that’s really admirable! please try to take pride in the things you do accomplish in a day, no matter how small or trifling you perceive them to be. you can’t be proud of your growth if you don’t notice where you already are!

[idle-lyla]

㋡🥀

Seascape...

[idle-lyla]

[idle-lyla]

[idle-lyla]

Matt Haig, The Comfort Book

[idle-lyla]

loving and leaving

here goes a shout into the void because that's what you do with a best kept secret, you throw it wistfully to an unknown listener, hoping you'll feel understood.

i wish this relationship could find a way into daylight, into casual conversation, but it would be silly of me to think it ever will. so let me remember this day in this way anyway, out of need. out of comfort.

it's still hard to wrap my head around everything that had happened. the intensity, the rush of it all. i haven't seen you in more than six months (if the last time in your office even counts as seeing you at all) and for a while, i thought that was the last of us.

-

it felt nice to be held like there was no one else you wanted more. i felt like i had you then, if only briefly. nothing else mattered because you were looking at me, hugging me, making me feel loved all over.

we ate burgers for dinner, we talked about our families and tv shows we liked.

when we got too tired, we napped and you never let go of me the whole time. you’re a light sleeper and i was careful not to move too much. when it got too hot, i would attempt to break free from your embrace, but you only pulled me in tighter, engulfed in your arms and legs. there was no place better in the world.

i've never done this before — the intimacy of learning how someone you love sleeps.

i spent the night at your place unintentionally. like a teenager gone loose, i woke up at 6am to a bunch of angry texts from my mom asking where i've been. but even then, i felt no urgency to leave.

--

you are a creature of habit. everyday, you eat three pieces of pandesal for breakfast. that day, the bakery was shocked to see you buy five.

i have never seen breakfast as a form of intimacy before. but it felt the same as undressing: eating bread, sipping coffee, Etta James on the background. we played with Bernie for a while and scanned through your flash cards for your interview that morning (what an ugly penmanship lol). then, you went back to your room and listened to sharon salzberg while i jumped into the shower. after, we hugged and kissed some more. i wish i could enjoy this fully. i wish i could spend more mornings here but the fact stands, it's only me that yearns for this.

it's so hard to control my emotions during these times. i know i can't be too happy. i can't make a big deal out of things, even though they're always big moments for me. it's so hard having to repress myself from feeling all my feelings just to be the cool and chill girl that will match your nonchalance. deep down, i'm going crazy from trying to process everything that happened and it's equally crazy that it was just an ordinary night for you.

so what do i do then with this memory, what do i do with this love?

[idle-lyla]

—Lilllium, from In Place Of The Mirror is a Portait of You

[idle-lyla]

snippets of a letter from May 4, 2020

[idle-lyla]

when lizzo said “self love is survival” and when hannah gadsby said “do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? it’s not humility. it’s humiliation” and when mitski said “i used to rebel by destroying myself, but realized that’s awfully convenient to the world. for some of us our best revolt is self preservation”

[idle-lyla]

I'm in my dish washing era

[idle-lyla]

Mary Oliver, "Summer Morning" from Red Bird