idekwidcfo

[idekwidcfo]

I ended up never going back to the apps cuz I put off responding to people and felt bad

I'm like hey I'll try the whole online dating thing again since my girlfriend doesn't love me but I forgor that includes uploading photos of myself ugh

[idekwidcfo]

MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO GET MISTAKEN FOR A BOY

BUT NO I'M GENDERQUEER AND BIOLOGICALLY FEEEEMALE NOT A BOY NOT REALLY GONNA START T LIKE MAYBE I SHOULD HAHA JUST KIDDING BUT ALSO THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE CALLS ME MISS I'M DEFINITELY STARTING T LOL JUST A JOKE J/K J/K :)

I love leaving the house and wondering if I’ll get mistaken for a boy. 

My goal in life is to get mistaken for a boy. Or at least asked the question. “Are you a boy or a girl?" 

I hope I am paying attention when I finally get it so I can smile and go "yes!" 

[idekwidcfo]

I think the last year or so and going from some shit ass guy with like no self confidence and little sense of identity to someone (slightly) more confident has actually been pretty masc and gender of me and it always amazes me how quickly we change but also how much we stay the same..

existence is weird

[idekwidcfo]

if I for real for real attempt suicide I'll get a few days off work right? they'll put me on a 72 hour hold if I go to the hospital?

[idekwidcfo]

She asking if "we" will ever get out of this town but she also tells me she can't promise there's a future for us so what the fuck is this "we"

Tried to have sex the other night and she wasn't in the mood

Not sure what we're even doing here any more

We did talk about like, hey I've been really jaded about our relationship since I dipped my toe into talking about marriage again and she said she saw herself marrying a woman. And I thought we agreed we would still be intimate cuz why not enjoy that while we can. But it makes me even more jaded to get rejected trying to initiate intimacy. I doubt I'll try that again any time soon. If she wants to hook up she needs to take lead my fragile heart can't handle the rejection again.

[idekwidcfo]

9.22.2022

[idekwidcfo]

And then sometimes I'm just like well I'm loyal to these broken bitches and it's probably bad for me but if I don't take care of them who will? And if that's my big personality flaw? That I care too much even when it's not reciprocated or it hurts me in the end? Is that the worst flaw for someone to have?

Just because I look out for myself in my professional career doesn't actually mean I need to do it in my personal life. I contain multitudes, or whatever.

[idekwidcfo]

I might get another promotion at work, but it's causing an identity crisis because if I can put myself first in my professional life, even if it means leaving people who depend on me... Shouldn't I do that in my personal life, too?

[idekwidcfo]

you know you're really in it now when you start imagining asking for relationship advice online and know the commenters would ask why the fuck you're even still together.

At the end of the day, I want my happily ever after and she wants that with a woman, which I am not, and we should just break up sooner rather than later so we can move on and find what we actually want.

[idekwidcfo]

Well I rung in the New Year being mildly annoyed with my gf for not listening to me while I was telling a story but then before I could reply to her admitting she had not been listening to me, I remembered to check the time, realized it is as 12:00AM 01/01/24, grabbed her face and smooched her. Then she realized it was midnight and that was why I did that. Then it turned 12:01 and she was so so impressed with me realizing it was midnight and getting that kiss in before 12:01. Wonder what 12:15am 1/1/25 James will make of that.

[idekwidcfo]

I keep checking my phone hoping she'll notice I got stuck an hour late at work and want to know where I am but it isn't happening :/

[idekwidcfo]

I'm like hey I'll try the whole online dating thing again since my girlfriend doesn't love me but I forgor that includes uploading photos of myself ugh

[idekwidcfo]

On one hand I think my gf and I might break up for real this time on the other I'm picturing going to my manager that I have a crush on to cry to him about it and exploit it as an opportunity to get closer to him

[idekwidcfo]

I want my gf to be happy and have a gf who loves her and talks to her when I am busy at work and deeply and passionately understands why she's an amazing person and she did get a gf but not one who does all that and now she has to break up with her gf and that's a whole thing idk

[idekwidcfo]

I wonder how many internet girlfriends my girlfriend will get before she realizes that the way people portray themselves online vs how they are IRL are often very different and someone who spends a lot of time and energy on their online persona may in fact have a kind of shallow and/or vapid IRL persona

Not saying every Tumblr famous trans girl is this way, but so far we're at two out of two so...

[idekwidcfo]

😼😼

[idekwidcfo]

Spoke to a gen z person the other night and apparently the young folks don't know about the very legal sites from which you can access public domain media (including Dracula, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and other Victorian gothic horror stories)?

Like this young person didn't even know about goddamn Gutenberg which is a SHAME. I linked to it and they went "aw yiss time to do a theft" and I was like "I mean yo ho ho and all that, sure, but. you know gutenberg is entirely legal, right?"

Anyway I'm gonna put this in a few Choice Tags (sorry dracula fans I DID mention it though so it's fair game) and then put some Cool Links in a reblog so this post will still show UP in said tags lmao.