idaein-blog1

[idaein-blog1]

rian

“fancy seeing you here,” is what she manages in the end, a quiet greeting. he stands resolutely still, shoulders held rigid. his features are arranged into the cold poker face she knows so well. his lips twitch slightly, twisting at the edge. “it’s been awhile.” she adds. she fiddles her fingers against the edge of the script, dogears a page absentmindedly. “have you been alright?”

people shouldn’t like to drown. it goes against human nature. that weighty feeling of the tide, a water-tomb coffin. slipping entirely into something and losing yourself. finding a new world. disjointed thoughts and a struggle to breathe. people shouldn’t like to drown, to give up themselves to an unknowing abyss. darkness, mysterious creatures. there’s a surety about solid ground, after all. a firmness underneath one’s feet. the knowing of what’s to come. but daein’s always sort of liked it. dropping weightless, and sinking,

sinking,

sinking,

to the bottom.

losing himself in someone else. letting them consume, and consuming in turn. he thinks it’s romantic. he thinks it might be how he finally becomes hole. finally finds meaner, or purpose. daein’s always felt deeply. often, more deeply than others. something seen as a defect, he thinks. it twists as he grows. something more obsessive, but just as fervent to dive deep. to submerge himself in someone else. to call it his home.

but people shouldn’t like to drown, because people have lungs instead of gills. and there’s that stretch of water before the surface.it’s easy to lose yourself entirely, under that water. to drift listless away. washed up onto the shore. a bloated thing, left to rot. and that’s what their relationship was, in the end. daein plummeted down and down. too far. washing up sometime later. the carcass of what they once were eventually picked clean and then abandoned. a graveyard of a thing.

returning now feels wrong. a graves ite of what they once were. funny, considering what they’re filming. he’d had half a mind to protest it more than he had, but it was seemingly perfect to their manager, this opportunity. rian is popular, the episode is sort enough that he won’t be kept away from group schedules for very long. it’s strange, fits into daein’s moody and eclectic acting choices. a perfect fit. only it isn’t.

rian’s already proven to him now that they’re far from perfect. an apparition faded with time. he’s not sure what to call them both now. are they strangers? he’d given too much of himself away, at the beginning. back when he called it love. she’d taken pieces of him with her. maybe she still has them. maybe they’re gone. meaningless.

daein’s always had this problem. giving to much, expecting someone to meet him in intensity. but it’s not often the case. it’d be easier if he were someone else. but he isn’t. he keeps his face still. something rigid. professional is what they’d call it. “do you care?” daein wonders back, and here’s where the mask falls. gives way to a smile. a smile tinged with something a little more malevolent. snide, maybe. secrets tucked underneath a tongue. “things seem really great for you though. congratulations.” he adds on, mostly without feeling.

apparition.

[idaein-blog1]

ryan

maybe she’s the greedy one, or spoiled, maybe she’s been the fool all along. maybe loving isn’t foolish but necessary. hadn’t it given her her voice back? hadn’t he given her that, for all she tried to hold it back, to hold him back? she sighs against his lips, a laugh half breathless. “i want to hurt you. i want you to hurt me.” she admits, a twisted expression that means well and rings too true.  his lips burn against hers and she melts against him, drags a hand over his shoulder, down his chest to fist around a handful of fabric, as if to anchor herself in place or to hold him there with her. “say that again,” she demands of him, a smile against his lips. “even though i have short hair? and i’m not… curvy or…or tall or poised or graceful or sexy or trendy?” she adds insistent between kisses, nips light at his lips, because sometimes a girl needs a little reassurance. “even though i’m not im sooyeon or bae soho or ahn jowi and why did you fuck all the prettiest girls in this industry i mean i know you’re handsome but you’re really stressing me out here.” she breaks back slightly to pout at him, brows furrowing, the expression more playful than not but disguising a kernel of truth.

daein’s not privy to the mental conversations ryan has looping through her ears like an audiobook, muted to the rest of the world. sometimes he wishes he were. to hear the hushed whispers. scurrying, creeping. thoughts are an interesting thing. they can be ugly, hurtful. the barest of insecurities, of wants. but it’s a little fearful, thinking about someone pulling out his own thoughts. dissecting them. daein had always thought telepathy to be the most terrifying of all the superpowers. that ability to make the world vulnerable in fear of themselves, or sharing themselves entirely.

though sometimes he does want to reach in, unwind her mind like a spool. light the pieces on fire that taeho had gone and tangled into complicated sorts of knots. would he want ryan combing through his own thoughts? no. parts of it maybe. she could see how very one track his mind is. focused singularly on the both of them. instead, he talks. spills thoughts he’s had to fall back on himself over the years.

“yes, that’s exactly what i want.” daein admits with a laugh. it almost sounds like a joke, but it isn’t one. ryan might already know that. but that’s how he likes it. if everyone’s doused in gas, then everyone’s reluctant to strike up a match like a threat. even footing in the midst of an earthquake. everyone’s liable to fall, to break. “so make me hurt.” daein murmurs it out. a sound that sweeps out low under the soft music circling the room. his eyes shut, noses brushing. it’s easy for those words to slip out, so he says them again at ryan’s demand. an “i love you,” that slips out just as easily as the first. angles himself closer to kiss her once, softly. twice, less so.

“i like your you.” daein insists, because it’s easier than running down the checklist. easier to encompass all the things that she didn’t name. “i have an album book for your everything, of course i like it.” and he does, photographs haphazardly slung across pages. close ups, blurred reflections, their hands pressed up together. a cluster of moles he’d traced in a constellation with a ballpoint pen one night when they’d barricaded themselves in from the cold. a memorial to ryan, and it’s not the strangest thing daein’s ever done. but he’s probably lucky ryan appreciates that sort of thing. “i don’t see anyone else. just you.” daein admits, opens his eyes as he says it. his free hand moving up, sweeps her hair aside. cups her cheek. “they don’t matter. just you.” he repeats it again. a mantra. a prayer. devout.

ignite

[idaein-blog1]

jaein

“you’re so insulting,” she tells him candidly, shoves her hand into his side as they walk off the set. she’s pretty sure half the cast has fallen in love with one or both of them by now, considering the way they’re observed even in casual moments like this, with the cameras down. “do i get to keep this shirt, oppa, i really like it.” she hums hopefully, before returning to the topic, “of course i saw the movie. i went with some of the girls,” she explains, an oblique reference to neon. she catches sight of the catering table and hooks her arm through his, tugs him along in the appropriate direction. “calories don’t count if it’s free, right?” she lilts, hopefully eyeing the table with the slightest pout. “anyway, a fan spoiled it for me before i even got to see it. which, frankly, probably allows for them being an anti instead.” she clicks her tongue, nose scrunching up slightly in distaste at the memory. “can you believe i have fans now?” she adds, nudges against his side, “be impressed by my progress, be proud of me.” she demands in turn.

it’s easy. the work, and the working with jaein. it’s probably not the same for everyone. there are plenty of siblings that don’t get along in the slightest. that fight and bicker. but, maybe due to their age difference, jaein and daein had always gotten along well. for the most part, anyway. squabbles here and there, sure. forced headlocks or toys chucked into the ether. but at the end of the day they always sorted it out. have supported each other, even in the midst of their fathers un-support the majority of the time. it’s shades of different though, working together. 

their dynamic behind closed doors is different, after all. bickering and shoving and making stupid jokes. not work-appropriate behavior. daein’s mostly serious, and it goes the same for jaein. showing a side of themselves to each other that’s usually reserved for other people. it’s easy to break though, and it likely will be later. when everything’s wrapped. when they can slide back into their usual jokes. he wonders, a bit, what their parents might think if they wander past an ad, see it slipped inside of a magazine somewhere. 

if his father might mutter, blame daein for dragging jaein into this life as well. instead of something sensible. time has passed though, eventually, maybe it won’t matter anymore. he’ll stop caring. he could’ve already done so. but daein’s unsure, he still doesn’t really talk to him. “oof,” it’s an overreaction as jaein shoves at his side. he plasters his own in the same spot immediately after, doubles himself over like he might be in pain as he limps along one step behind her. “i don’t know, go ask the wardrobe staff.” he stands upright as he talks, lets his gag drop in favoring of finding himself food. 

“of course,” he nods along at the mention of calories. “really can’t believe it, they must all be missing eyes.” daein pushes on conversationally, nods to himself as he picks up a sandwich and takes a bite. jaein might smack him for that, too. but it really doesn’t hurt. “i’m impressed, i’m impressed.” he relents when he manages to swallow down a mouthful of bread. “don’t get into any unmarked vans,” daein gives her advice like she might be five, “and eat this,” he continues, passes her a tiny plate that he’d tossed a couple of items on. it comes out like a joke, but daein still is protective. still tries to keep an eye out for her. he cares about her, he cares about her probably more than anyone else in his life. has watched out for her as long as he can remember, in the way that big brothers are often expected to. some fans can be absolutely insane, after all.

marvel

[idaein-blog1]

[idaein-blog1]

ryan

“of course i’m happy to see you,” she mumbles, the corner of her lips curving upwards despite herself. “but i’m scared, dae, you’re fucking…terrifying.” she admits this reluctantly. “ i feel too much around you. with you. for you.  so much it hurts. it’s scary and at the same time, i don’t want to lose it. you. it just…it just felt safer to hide from it. to hide from you. because i think you’re really going to hurt me, daein, i feel like i can see it coming. like a train on the track. like you won’t mean to do it but you’ll wreck me. i think it’s gonna be too easy for you to do that. i think i already lost this fight.” maybe she doesn’t make sense. maybe she’s just going to make him mad again. “daein i think i love you.” she almost sounds defeated when she says it, and she is. defeated by herself, losing to herself, to her own stubborn urge to hold the tide at bay, impossible.

there’s only so much that he can do, say, before he’s just standing there. waiting on bated breath for whatever outcome to roll out. it doesn’t knock him over, not usually. his and ryan’s relationship is a testament to that. he’s still here in front of her. he’s still trying. he still wants. achingly wants. something that radiates off him, something he cannot figure out how to dim. if it were possible, then daein may very well dig out the tools and try to rebuild them both from the ground up. perfect infrastructure to frame their fate. but it’s not. he knows it’s not possible. knows through his own experience, his own folly. so he has to push everything back toward her. delicate and hopeful.

daein doesn’t want this chapter to end, because despite all the power ryan assumed he has, daein doesn’t feel it. not in moments like these. if ryan decides against him, rips herself away, then daein will lose pieces of himself too. the one he’s been taking from himself, fettering away like a starved squirrel before the winter's eve. he’ll never learn to stop. it will hurt, leave him buckled. leave his sister rolling her eyes. will leave him tunneled under his bedsheets and messaging milo for poetry recommendations. listless, pathless, because there’s nothing to walk toward.

desolate, alone, entirely too dramatic and entirely caught up with it. a serious tumble into the abyss. eventually he’ll pull himself out. daein always does. he’ll find someone else to sticker his attention to. but those pieces will still be with ryan. left behind and ripped away. it’s how he lives - foolishly, and with abandon. how can one be powerful if they’re so willing to hand it over by the fistful? “i think it’s nice. to give yourself into it. for me. it’s better.” he doesn’t explain what it’s better than. it’s hard to put into words for him. it’s not that it’s better than being himself. maybe it’s better than being alone. better than being trapped up with himself and no one else for comfort. it’s not that daein’s perception of relationships is particularly healthy either, but he wants it with a singular focus.

“you’re a train, too. it can just be mutually assured destruction.” he teases back, noses brushing, cheek dimpling. “hurt me back.” he whispers it out, a rather fucked up way to word ‘give us a chance’ but that’s where they’re at, that’s what he chooses to go with. he smiles, something genuine. something he feels running wild, rampant through his chest. something that fuels him, those words. he bridges the gap between them, kisses her. it’s soft, one hand moving up to fit against her jaw. “i know i love you,” it’s mumbled back, a laugh that’s muffled when he kisses her again.

ignite

[idaein-blog1]

ryan

“and i’ve always been kind of trailing or lacking or whatever, you know? like i just tripped face first into a debut. and then i was fat and then i was too skinny and then i was that whore that fucked taeho, and then i was a flop and then a shitty actress and i don’t know. he.. you know, i mean, he said he’d stay. after it happened. the picture, he promised, and it was a lie, and it sucked. it was the fucking worst, actually, and at least taeho didn’t…have any of his shit together. you’re just so…completely….goddamn perfect. if i couldn’t nail down a disaster like taeho what’s gonna happen when you wake up and realize this is a huge mistake?” self defeating and insecure, it’s not a cute look on her. she hates herself for saying it all as soon as she’s said it, cheeks flushing pink and not just because of the alcohol.

daein is used to being the party that gives more, and it’s solely due to his own excessive nature. he doesn’t usually hate it. it’s an understanding of himself. how he operates. but sometimes he wants for a little more. wishes he could prick holes into people, that he could pour out everything he needs, enough to fill him. but that’s not how people work, as much as daein wishes it were the case. in this case, with ryan, he gives and gives to the point where he gets too frustrated and ends up asking. grinds himself to a stop, a refusal to move on unless she at least pretends to give back. ryan is obsessive, but reluctant to offer anything at the end of that trait.

of course, daein had at first run with it. a fast sprint that matched him at his core. but waiting at the finish line was always no one. ryan drifting off at a fork in the road when he wasn’t paying attention, winded and confused. so he’d asked her to be his girlfriend, and here they are now. ryan asking him what’s next, what else. run faster, and win a race she refuses to take part in. prive his commitment when he’s already so far overcommitted it’s rather shocking. daein’s not sure whether to feel frustrated or tired with it. the conversation at least inches out of something argumentative, but something still just as chaotic.

“it’s not easy. nothing about it is easy.” daein answers he back, his hand falling from his own hair. it looks wild now. it matches his eyes. “is your career easy though? is anything?” he wonders out with a twist of his own lips. it’s not easy, but it’s all daein’s found to make him feel nearly whole. he needs something else, something aside from people. but he’s not sure what will make him feel the same way. so he continues on in his same surefooted madness. “love is fucked, even when it’s nice it’s fucked.” daein starts out as he leans his weight against the table. sighs and tilts his head back to stare up at the ceiling. the glimmer of a small chandelier propped in the center of the room. grandeur. garish. he’s not sure which. “and it happens if you let it. and it hurts when you don’t want it to. and sometimes i fucking hate it. is it that easy for me ryan, is it easy between us?” daein asks her, because it hasn’t been.

it’s always clashing and games. proving himself, and then getting jealous enough to try and turn the tables. to see if she even has the slightest real interest in him. to try and figure out whether it’s just make believe. whether it’s just a game.”maybe my face is alright, but let’s not pretend i’m perfect.” daein mumbles it out as he lets his head right again with a bob of a motion. reaches out to brushes their fingers together. links their pinkies. an unspoken promise.

“if it’s a huge mistake then you wake up. you make coffee. you go try again. it’s human nature, right? to keep going even if we fuck ourselves up in the process.” he swivels his hand so he can press their palms together. “because it feels nice, right? sometimes it feels nice. and sometimes everything feels right. so we get fucked up chasing that high. but you have to move to get there.” it could be terrible advice. for ryan, maybe it’s not even uplifting, or what she needs to hear. it’s just daein’s own thoughts as they pile up in his head, escape through his mouth. he leans forward anyway, presses their foreheads together, noses brushing. “moments like this. or am i the only one happy to see you here?” his voice is velvet soft, fingers brushing at the bend of her wrist. eyes imploring.

ignite

[idaein-blog1]

ryan

he’s hurt and she can see it on his face, and she wants to believe him. she revels in the knowledge that at least she has him now, but it all feels so impermanent, transient, as if she is waiting with baited breath for him to slip through her fingers. “i don’t want him. i’m not - it’s -” the words tangle and she washes it down like a bitter pill. “you say it but i don’t - how do i know? how can i know? that if something happens, you’ll really be here? that if, that, if someone else came along, you’d stay? how do i know that…..it’s different this time.” she doesn’t say it, but the implication is there, that she’s different from the last girl, that he’s different from the last boy. “what if sooyeon decides she wants you too? what if pictures get out? what if, i don’t know, someone new catches your eye. what if my appeal wears off, what then? i don’t know how to know that that isn’t going to happen.”

to be an idol, there should be a certain amount of self confidence. the kind that far outstrips what one might normally possess. there’s a part to play, a stage to stand on. in front of an inordinate amount of people. people with cameras at the ready, people who might travel halfway around the globe. there are reporters ready to skew information, or bored people willing to hate. to crumble in front of it all is not the job of an idol. daein thinks that if one isn’t born with this innate, astronomical level of confidence, then it’s manufactured. he knows it is for himself. he might be praised, now, for his face. for the luck to born with the specific planes of his bone structure. but he’d been an odd kid, and he had never been his father’s favorite.

it would’ve been better, easier, for daein to follow a straighter course. a simpler one. without his strange proclivities that his mother ended up allowing. it would’ve been better, easier, if instead of trying out soccer for four months and then jumping to the next thing, he just stuck to it. it would’ve been better, easier if he had committed to his program overseas. if he used it to guide him into a normal career path. or if he’d have ditched that interest altogether and went into something more secure. anything but that idol path - and then dragged his sister along with him ( at least, that’s the truth as far as it’s read by his father, from what daein can tell ). so many people are stumbling through life, pretending, making up for their own shortcomings. it’s like a different rendition of acting. something people aren’t entirely aware they’re doing. one version of themselves saved for behind closed doors, another for public. and daein does too, as strange as it may sound, for all he’s willing to share ( or overshare ) with the people around him.

like so many others, when he’s alone, it gives room for doubt to creep up on him. he’s always felt a little more empty, it seemed, than everyone else around him. not that he was lacking, but that he needed more to keep from feeling lost, or alone. not just admiration, like he gets from the fans. but something more personal, intimate. he boils it down to love, or to friendships. but he hopes, so very desperately, for all that love to be reciprocated. he gives it out with a reckless abandon, but it’s not that it’s a game of exchange. nobody is mandated to trade back. and daein, sometimes, is lost. adrift. unsure of what he’s allowed to take. unsure of what’s too much. unsure of when he’s pushing boundaries. and unsure of why he needs to push those boundaries in order to feel fulfilled.

he wants, sometimes, so very desperately to be able to feel satiation. to be able to feel content. he’s always been a strange boy, he’s heard it enough in turn. it’s stuck with him, and he’s learned to shrug it off to an extent. but it’s not so easy to let it roll off continuously when ryan scoffs at his request for affection, or pushes him into fights masqueraded at conversations like this. intimacy, exes, and his own love dragged into question. daein from the very beginning gives his everything, and so when ryan deems it questionable, lacking, daein isn’t able to reach into the reserves and pull out more. he’s already handed it all over. out of tricks, standing there foolish with only his own heart in his hands. “that’s just how it works, ryan. nobody knows, and some people are shitty. you just have to decide if you’re gonna trust someone new. how can i begin to try and enact that for you? how do you expect me to do it?” he asks her this desperately, because there’s no answer. it’s just an excuse to keep him at arms length, to say that what he’s offering isn’t good enough.

“who cares what sooyeon wants, and if there’s pictures then they’ll get over it. it’s different. your group’s older. my group’s older.” daein points out, which is fairly true, he thinks. pissed off fans, but maybe not the end of the world any longer. “maybe you’ll find someone new, and i’ll have to get over it. maybe it won’t last forever. but you have to let it happen in the now. otherwise, i don’t know. you’re just sitting there and you’re letting some asshole keep you in a past you hate.” he says this delicately, but it’s something he’s had to walk himself through before, with how intensely daein attaches himself to people. with how it sometimes feels like the end of the world when they’ve had enough of him. “but i can’t prove that to you. i can’t do anything about that. that’s...that’s you. a decision for you.”

ignite

[idaein-blog1]

daehyun‌

“I only realized watching tonight how I knew more of the performers than I had thought I would. Like, personally. It was nice to get the chance to speak to everyone. Usually, everyone is so busy with so many different things. Here, at least, we were all busy with the same one.”

“yeah, i bet. must’ve been cool. taking the stage and all.” daein responds at the mention of one of atlas’ songs. nods along as daehyun talks. daein can see how it might be something that seems life altering. a firework explosion of adrenaline, that taste of fame that so many trainees are running full sprint toward. especially for a group like atlas, that pulls in so many international fans. standing on a stage like that, listening to those sorts of cheers must be wild. even if the cheers aren’t meant for the dances. but that energy is there. he wonders if it makes daehyun hungrier. or if he’s just expectant of it now. 

“yeah. though the traveling gets old. so appreciate all the charm of it now.” daein laughs out. the con of being a group that’s popular internationally. nitro make not be spreading with the same wildfire intensity of atlas, but they’ve been catering to international fans for a while now. it’s how they built up their brand, built up their fame. daein can appreciate it, getting out and performing for them. but the airtime, the travel, it can wear down on a person. and korea is his home. he likes crawling back into his own bed, in his own apartment. but it’s just one part of idol life, and a part that needs to be done. 

he’s gotten used to it, even if the novelty has worn off. “yeah, it was fun. chill. it’s always nice when so many groups get together. it’s hard to just...hang out.” daein explains. which is true. an occasional after party, or even a sports day can be interesting. usually they’re all so segregated. all so busy. it can be fun when they’re all crushed together. either that, or it devolves into a mess of dramatics. but that can be entertaining in its own right, too. 

daein nods along as he listens to daehyun. small talk, and he supposes he hasn’t caught up with daehyun in quite a while. but then, he hadn’t been the one who was incredibly close to him. that was more taewoo. he wonders if he should say his goodbyes, leave daehyun to his newly forming experiences. “that’s cool for you though. it’ll be nice when you get your debut.” from what daein remembers, kjh has been preparing a boy group. daehyun to be placed in it. but details past that and daein couldn’t tell you a thing.

uncertain

[idaein-blog1]

ryan

“i wanna know how replaceable i am.” she informs him, flatly, like the emotion has been ironed out of her voice. “how lacking.”

daein is a racehorse with blinkers, always gunning forward. he has his eyes fixed on one location and he lunges toward it. he gets too attached. pours too much of himself into things, sometimes to his own detriment. he never seems to learn, even prefers to live this way. giving away pieces of himself, hoping for an exchange. like fusing together two people into one entity is a good thing ( spoiler: it isn’t ). and this is ryan’s history coming to rear its head, it’s her own insecurities. but they aren’t harmless ones. the way she forms them now. clay at first, but by the time she’s done constructing her argument she’s molded it into what feels like a knife fit between his ribs. daein has struggled over time to figure out who he is. that he was mostly alright with who he is. that people might hate him for who he is. and now it sounds like, in this emotionally heavy frame of the night, that he’s just a taeho stand in.

that he’ll do the same things. that everything he’s done up until this point, fighting tooth and nail to get her to take them seriously, means nothing. that what he’s done doesn’t really matter. who he is doesn’t really matter. and there’s emotional scarring there, but emotions are fickle things, and not only does the hurt party have them. in this instance, it hops off of ryan and lands on daein next. a transferrable thing, and now they’re both wallowing. because daein, the fool that he is, feels spectacularly hurt at this idea. that it’s pitched at him now like an inevitability, an argument that would eventually roll into view.

a bland voice, something already knowing. predictable, only this thought makes daein sick. this whole conversation makes him feel like that hollowed out teenager he had been once upon a time. desperate, in need of too much affection, a little dysfunctional and hugely unsure. “i’m glad to know that everything just boils down to sex and how good or not we are in bed. i didn’t even date her, for fuck’s sake.” daein spits it out. “and how is this even going to help anything? when i say no you’re just going to do that thing where you fucking stare at me like i’m liar, right?” he clenches his own jaw, stares, tries to read her expression.

“hey ryan, i’ve said it a thousand times, that i love you. how often have you said it to me?” daein asks her, and he only looks marginally similar to a kicked puppy. “we all know taeho is a bastard, and that really fucking sucks. but i’m not taeho. don’t treat me like taeho. i love you ryan. i really fucking do. but sometimes it’s like i’m just a stand in for him.” daein’s never really had a problem with sharing, in fact, he often does too much of it. “should i just go get him for you? do you want to ask him next? get yourself a couple of drinks, make a real party out of it.” he drags a hand through his hair, the motion’s jerky and poorly restrained.

ignite

[idaein-blog1]

marvel

promoting a brand name that doesn’t really need it with @jaeinid

this is the first time daein’s working together with his sister and in a real capacity. sure, there had been other times. like teaching her how to ride a bike distractedly in order to impress the pretty next door neighbor, or throwing gummy bears at her while pretending to be an entire heckling crowd while she practiced for her trainee evaluation showcases. but this is the first time they’re working together and making money in the process. 

it’s a bit surreal, though daein isn’t sure why. it makes sense on paper. it makes sense in front of him, physically. but there’s a strange tint to it all, like it shouldn’t be happening. maybe it’s a half wish that jaein hadn’t followed in his footsteps on this one. but it’s too late for that now, jaein’s already debuted in a shiny new group. and now they’re both wearing marvel t-shirts. it could be worse. daein sort of likes the free merch on this one. 

he is an avid consumer of superheroes. maybe not to the extent of horror-based proclivities, but it has a certain enchantment to it that easily draws in purposeless teenaged boys, something daein had been when the first couple of movies started rolling in. they’re both well practiced in modeling, and it makes the whole shoot easy. they act cuter than they would in real life, physically anyway. daein’s pretty sure if he pulled her to and fro or patted her on the head jaein would sock him in the stomach, but the photographer likes it, and jaein pretends she does as well. welcome to the idol life. 

“did you see the movie yet? do i get the honor of spoiling it?” daein asks as they wobble their way off the blindingly white set in between takes. the first chance he’s had to open his mouth and produce words since they’d started. “do you think they have a snack booth? i’m really in the mood for a miniature sandwich” he admits, casts his eyes around in search of food. in his own defense, he’d woken up too late to feed himself and shower this morning without making his manager pull out his own hair in exasperation over being late. 

“oh wait, do you even like the movies?” daein asks as he hops back onto his previous track - pitstop, question about snacks - and he should probably know this, but jaein’s been busy lately. they both sort of have. and usually when daein starts talking about movies to her she tells him to shut up, lest he give her the rundown on a great french cannibalism flick he’d watched lately. “are you a poser?” he laughs it out, plucks at the sleeve of her tee.

[idaein-blog1]

uncertain

backstage at showcase chile, together and alone with @idxdaehyun

daein likes chile. likes the weather and the feel of it ( though he hadn’t much liked the hours long airplane ride ). likes the excited wave that seems to ripple around the arena. backstage too, especially among the newer groups. those who haven’t gotten this opportunity yet, to extend themselves far from korea. and those undebuted, too. the thought pops into daein’s head when he sees daehyun standing near the approximation of atlas. or where they’d been previously. he’s styled up, a certain conformity and neutrality to it that suggests he might’ve been there to dance behind the bigger group. 

daein hadn’t watched the performance though, so he isn’t all too sure. daein’s not sure he even knows the kid that well. he’s amorphously connected to taewoo in a sense. like he belongs to him, like when friend divorces happen in a breakup and everyone gets divied up to their dependant. but him and taewoo hadn’t really had a falling apart, just a slow and somewhat awkward drift. 

he’s not so sure where that leaves him and daehyun. in a void of nothing in particular. a bland place, for certain. it has daein second guessing whether or not to make his presence known. but then he catches daehyun’s eye and figures he’s mandated to go make introductions. it’s not like he’d hated him, anyway. he’s nice enough, and with more of a career-focus driving through him than daein’s had...well, ever. he can respect that. even if they’re lost together in ambiguity. “hey, were you out on stage?” daein asks him, tips a smile onto his face. something friendly enough. he’s not sure when they’d talked last. maybe together with taewoo? over coffee in some private booth. 

uncertainty, they both have a decent helping of that nowadays, he thinks. 

“i always like these things. it makes everything feel so much bigger. i forget that i’m not just...in some bubble, floating around.” daein tucks his hands into the pockets of his somewhat-tight stage pants as he mulls over his life, and the odd way he speaks of it. “i like it though, when we travel. i feel like nitro’s not half as popular in korea as we are anywhere else,” daein laughs it out, steps out of the way of a passing stage hand.

[idaein-blog1]

sooyeon‌

“wanna take a walk with me?” it was late, and the labyrinth of side alleys in the neighbourhood were only made for those wishing to be unseen. unsurprisingly, this sooyeon felt like such a thing wouldn’t be considered reckless. “you could smoke- or do what ever it is boys like you do in secret at night.” 

by this point, daein’s drank a spectacular amount. there was simply nothing else for him to do, and he’d already gotten conversation with the bigger ups out of the way at the beginning. that’s sort of the point, it seems. to show a snapshot image of oneself, make an introduction, and then linger an appropriate amount of time until it’s time to go home. which daein had done, passed the time with soju, beer, and picking up snippets of conversation with the people around him. 

sooyeon being the latest in that list. “i don’t mean to brag, but probably.” daein jokes back with a laugh. not that he’d ever probably cram himself into a skirt unless, for some reason, koala t demanded it. but he doesn’t mind the banter, especially so many drinks in. “yeah sure,” daein nods along when sooyeon mentions hitting her limit. he grabs at the mostly-empty bottle between them and drains the rest of it himself, a quick couple of shots that’s sure to make his own head spin by the end of it with how quickly he knocked them back one by one. 

sooyeon questions him and daein nods, he does have a little sister after all. if she were drunk in similar circumstances he’d like if someone played escort to her as well. they end up on the street outside the restaurant. it’s late enough that the night crows is sweeping the streets in small clumps. not-quite rave wear, a bit too far away from the clubs. “do i do things in secret? i guess lately i’ve been working on this really sick drawing of naruto.  with the fucking tails and everything.” daein mimics fox ears with one hand as he fishes his phone out of his pocket with the other. 

“i’ve been into haikus too, they’re tricky bastards to write though. you wouldn’t expect it but they are.” he laughs the last part out as he clicks open an app on his phone. “i can call you a cab. do you need some water?” he wonders out, flips his phone to show her the home screen to kakao taxi.

rebound

[idaein-blog1]

taewoo

When talk turns back to their new living arrangements he can’t help but laugh. “That’s true, it definitely has its advantages. It’s definitely nice not having to wait for the shower in the mornings.” His attention has also turned to the members currently posing under the glare of the studio lights. Their turn is no doubt coming soon, but it seems as though they’ll have at least a few minutes more before they’re called up. “To be honest though, it’s just a place to sleep at night. You know that I prefer to keep myself busy anyway, so it doesn’t make a huge difference whether I’m living alone or with someone else. Still getting used to how quiet it can be though, it kind of weirds me out sometimes. I think I need to get a bird or a dog or something,”

“i suppose, but that’s good, right? better at least.” daein means than before. back when they hadn’t been so popular. koala busy scraping together their assets and trying to move forward, out of the red. they’d at least had some name recognition of a past generation to point to, but it had been hard. even now it’s not like they’re necessarily headliners. maybe overseas, and maybe they’re more popular now in korea than they were before, but daein can figure out his place, and it’s definitely not at the top of things. this is what he’d entered into this industry for anyway, to forge a career. 

a bit aimless still, sure. but he’s trying to sow his own seeds. jumping around, participating in the schedules that koala t gives him. if that’s modeling for a cosmetics company, he’s there. if they want him to sing alongside taewoo in a subunit, he will. he’s not necessarily greedy for the spotlight, but he sort of likes it. he’s not sure how he could be a part of the industry if he didn’t ( but then, there are plenty of people it seems that do not ). “do you hate it?” daein asks him, and he gets that it’s busy, but how they react to it all seems different. but daein doesn’t pretend to understand taewoo, it’s easier to just ask. “i have a variety coming up, but i think i’ll like that.” daein notes. it had at least sounded interesting when he’d heard about it. he’s pretty sure some old connection on koala t’s end got him in the door to audition, but daein’s not about to kick up a fuss about it when he likes the end result. 

“complain if you want, it’s fine to vent.” he answers him back, continues along with the conversational shift. “yeah, i think it’ll be nice though, right? i like the song anyway.” daein admits. a little more chill, more aligned with his own personal tastes. not quite there. though he has been thinking more and more about wanting to do that lately. sharing who he is, imprinting it music. for his fans, himself. but it’s still just a thought. it hasn’t had time to mutate into his latest obsession yet. not enough time, perhaps. “maybe that’s why you hate it. it’s just busy work.” daein suggest with a small grin. kind enough, and lacking judgement. 

daein’s the opposite though, so it’s hard to tell if his advice will resonate, match. his apartments already lived in. his own pictures on the wall, artwork purchased from galleries, sketchbooks stacked up, movies and records on display. furniture assembled and parties commenced in the middle of his living room. but daein needs a home. he needs that space to crawl back to, to reorient himself. and he needs to do it on top of an extravagant wine colored rug. preferably with tassels. it’s a blessing he’s managed to make money at this point, he’d been able to run rampant with his eclectic whims. “i hear birds live to like, eighty. which is pretty metal. but if you want a pet then you should go for it.” daein suggests, it’s not like taewoo doesn’t have the money to hire a caretaker if nitro gets too busy. 

gravity

[idaein-blog1]

[idaein-blog1]

ryan

it, unfortunately, brings the jealousy roaring back to life in her veins and in a moment of weakness she remembers daein’s history with sooyeon, brief as it was, and all that slow creeping poison spurts out of her mouth in an ill advised question. she breaks away from him, her free hand wrapping an arm around her waist, and the other clutching tighter at the drink in her hand. she fits it to her lips, takes a sip of the wine before she can bring herself to make a reply. “sooyeon invited me out to a cafe the other weekend to tell me she’d fucked taeho.” she puffs her cheeks out, exhales heavy, grinds her molars together. “so tell me,” she swirls the liquid in her glass, “is she better?”

daein isn’t really a player, but he’s been with his fair share of people. he’s a romantic at heart, just a strange iteration of one. not the type that’s conjured up in one’s imagination when they hear the word. but he’s intensely driven by his emotions, and he’s so very willing to share them. to let them dictate so much about his life. they’ve led him into more than one terrible experience, and many more great ones. so he lets it continue. and even if he did decide he hated it, it’s so deeply built into his core that daein’s not so sure he’d be able to just stop it, change the way that he lives. he’s had his fair share of dalliances too, things that didn’t matter so much. that just took up times. bored people. pretty people. it’s bound to happen.

however, generally speaking, daein often doesn’t go around announcing them to his girlfriend. it’s widely regarded as a bad idea. he knows some of ryan’s history, knows he hates taeho for it. but he hasn’t pushed past that. he’s not so sure he’d like to know much of anything involving taeho and various states of undress. so when ryan springs the question, daein hasn’t the slightest idea of what this is about. or why sooyeon specifically. after all, they didn’t even date. he’s had other girlfriends. it hits him and feels like a strange test. a minefield with a ‘tread carefully’ sign stuck in the middle of it. dropped from a plane with dubious instructions on how to navigate his way out of it.

he lifts his brows when ryan announces her reason to him. a large part of daein wants to point out that it seems like an issue between the two of them. instead, he chooses what is somehow possibly the worse option - if that were at all possible. “so you need to know because the biggest thing on your mind is whether or not your ex possibly liked fucking her more?” daein drops his hold, tucks his hands into the pockets of his jeans and leans back against a nearby table. it feels cyclical, a carnival ride that’s making him sick. these issues with taeho. he was what they’d fought about last time, too.

part of daein wants to wring his scrawny neck and be done with him. not very idol like behavior, and he obviously doesn’t. “this is fucking ridiculous.” he shakes his head, looks off to the side. spots a few other idols with familiar faces, but he doesn’t uproot himself from his spot just yet. presses his lips back together, eventually turns back to look at her. “you want me to make a little guidebook in case any of my exes fuck taeho too? a little star rating, whether or my dining experience was exemplary?” a little dickish, but he’s offended. annoyed. he’d wanted to have a good time, now made impossible.

ignite

[idaein-blog1]

jaein

“too late, oppa, i don’t think they’ll take me in my debaucherous state.” she says it just to make him cringe, can’t help it. “watch a movie or something with me. or order me food. i want to break my diet.” she pouts, “do boys have to diet if you’re not trying to build muscle, or is it just a hit the gym kind of thing?” she queries, almost eager to rip apart the gender disparities of the industry. 

jaein, at this point, is very firmly planted in daein’s life. not that he minds it, or would want it any other way. he’d say they’re close. she knows him well, past what most people stop at, and she still loves him for it. he views her in a similar light. but there are, of course, parts of him that worry now. this industry isn’t the easiest to adapt to. jaein is strong, but people are terrible. and it’s not like daein is jumping at the chance to watch people try to drag her down. but she’s here. her debut date is set. there’s no going back, really. so he’ll need to turn a blind eye to keep himself sane. that’s his course of action at the moment. jaein’s never seemed very sympathetic to this particular plight. the brat. 

“it’ll happen. it’s midas.” daein points out with a slow lift of his shoulder. eventually they’ll push them out of the gates, point toward them as the next best thing. even if they don’t catch on like a forest fire, he’s pretty sure they’ll still happen. though he wouldn’t particularly mind if they decided to jump over jaein in the lineup. but then, maybe she’d just go try out somewhere else. knock on koala t.’s door, point toward him and announce that she’s his brother while daein tries his best to pretend like he doesn’t know who she is. but she’ll debut here, at midas. he can feel it. they’re too close. she’s too close. sometimes he worries.

“good.” he nods when jaein pushes the conversation along. at least, “i think anyway.” sometimes it’s hard to tell for daein. sometimes jaein can provide him insights. usually very happily, especially when he’s acting like a delusional jackass. he listens to her only sometimes. “she’s nice though, right? i can tell this time. that’s it’s something…” he trails off, like he’s searching for a word. “just something...right.”  it’s not the first time he’s said this about a girl, it’s not even the first time he’s said it about a girl to jaein. “i mean it this time though.” he adds on before she has time to point that out to him. 

“what about you, any pests creeping around?” he inches a hand out to subtly tickle fingers near her ankle, a mimicry of a bug. “it’s fine, just lie. confess about the lie later, then it’s basically a clean slate from there on out.” he’s not really sure if that’s how it works or not. daein’s never been particularly religious. “both. i think they just give us more protein and you more leaves.” he’s not too sure, he just knows that he’s made to go bulk before a nitro comeback and that he eats a lot of peanut butter. “but fine, pick something.” he tosses his phone up to her after unlocking it. at this point jaein knows better than to open apps, lest she scar herself more than embarrass him.

— linger