id0ntknow-whoiam

[id0ntknow-whoiam]

God Forbid

james marriott x f reader angst/smut

description- he needs you to help him forget

warning- 18+, contains mentions of suicidal thoughts and self harm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

our flat glows dimly with the only light being casted off the television. i’m sitting on ghe sofa aimlessly and anxiously checking my phone.

thump thump thump thump, my heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest, my breath not being able to keep up.

i keep thinking back to what happened before he left. what if he actually did it? he’s not seriously going to that bridge right? he can’t he loves me. he knows i love him.

“You always say that james…how you’re so miserable, why can’t i be enough for you?” i feel my voice crack, tearing welling up in my eyes. he stands in front of my eyes glassy. “you know i’m always here for you, i understand…..”

“oh for fucks sake stop looking at me like i’m a fucking stray dog!” he snips at me

I feel my eyes fall to the floor for a moment trying to figure out what to say. I look back up at him and reach for his hand.

“darling please, talk to me. I can’t read your mind as much as I would love to, you have to talk to me!”

he flinches away from me

thump thump thump thump

that’s when the feeling that my chest was going to explode started. shortness of breath followed.

“I need some air..”

James walks around me.

“James please, where are you going?” my voice sounds like it’s miles away

he doesn’t even turn around he just slams the door behind him and I’m left with nothing but my thoughts.

he had been open with me whenever we had first started dating and he struggled with depression and alcoholism which I tried my best to help him through. at first, I thought it was helping. he got better he was my sweet boy again. but then something changed. things got worse…he got worse and the only place that he ever wanted to be was not with me, but on a bridge, so high up no one could survive a fall like that. but I don’t think he wanted to.

~~~~~~~

It had been about an hour with still no word from him. I had been checking my phone nonstop stop sending text after text.

James, please don’t do this

I love you

won’t you call me one more time?

nothing but silence

until a few moments later my phone started to vibrate against my lap.

“hello?? James?”

“Darling it’s beautiful up here you know”

“James please come home I need you here with me”

“I feel like I can breathe, isn’t that strange? being able to breathe in London.”

he lets out a sigh, my hands start to shake

“sweetheart I’m coming to check on you alright?”

I try and control the panic in my voice

“no no no darling it’s ok I'll be home in a few minutes”

I let out a sigh of relief

“ok I love you”

my heart sank when I heard his side of the call go dead

he never said it any more

~~~~~~~~~~~~

after what felt like an eternity I heard the door unlock.

I rush over to him checking everyone I can.

he’s shaking, tears streaming down his pink-tinted cheeks.

“James what happened…tell me what you did”

I gently grab his arm looking up at him for permission. he silently nods his head. I roll up the sleeves of his hoodie. To my relief, there is nothing but the healing scars covering his arms. but nothing fresh.

I look back up and him then kiss his arms

“you aren't alone, I’m here, and a lot of people are here for you”

I see the tears continue to run down his face he looks at me with not what I thought to be love or adoration but need.

his hands rub up my arms, cupping my cheeks. that’s when he places a kiss on my lips.

at first, i’m not sure what to do, he’s kissed me so many times before but this time felt different, colder.

“James what are you?…”

he cuts me off with another kiss slowly backing me against our flat wall.

“Please I need you. take the pain away please.”

he almost whines.

his lips come to my neck kisses ever so softly.

I let out a sigh

and I let him use me. because I love him and I want him to love me and if that means that all I'm good for is making him forget then so be it.

we make our way into the bedroom I fall to the bed with him hovering above me. he lifts my blouse off me and throws it to the floor attacking my chest, sucking bruises into my collar bone.

this doesn’t feel right he isn’t normally like this

I sit up and push him back taking my bra off.

he eyes me up and down before laying back on me.

what would have normally happened was he would have taken his time, making love to me. but this was it. I knew it was. I couldn’t help him if he couldn’t help himself and he had realized on that bridge that if he wanted to live he could bear to keep hurting me.

he kissed down my stomach slipping my underwear off. I lift his head and cup his cheek making him look at me

I wanted him to just hold me one more time. but he didn’t instead he went back to kissing around my thighs.

he licked and sucked on my clit just the way he knew I liked. he moaned into me whenever I would grip his hair to keep him there. he was savoring every last drop he could have.

“F-uck James feels so good darling”

he didn’t stop he didn’t look up at me like he normally would. he didn’t mutter “Yes sweetheart you taste so good for me”

instead, it almost looked like he was on autopilot.

after a few minutes, he climbs back up my body and for the first time the kiss we share doesn’t feel like love it feels like the bitter taste of black coffee

I pull his jeans off him and toss them to the floor along with his shirt

“James are you sure you want to…”

he doesn’t let me finish what I was saying before he’s pushing into me.

“fuck” he grunts

he starts at a slow and grueling pace but quickly picks it up after I have been moaning in his ear

“Please James so close baby”

he fucks me, fucks away the bad thoughts he has, the terrible things he has been doing to himself. he lets it all out in me.

“y/n…fuck..so tight, you feel so good”

I moan at the praise but I don’t feel it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

the next morning I wake up to an empty bed. his jeans and shirt picked up from the floor. I looked at my phone to see what time it was “10:47 am”

I roll over to face his side of the bed. grab his pillow and hold it to my chest. I can’t stop the tears from falling down my face.

my phone vibrates on my dresser

I don’t look at it

I know what it’s going to say

his drawers are empty, his guitar isn’t leaning against the wall anymore.

I turn over and grab my phone

“I’m sorry I wasn’t enough”

the end.

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A/N

OK SO I KNOW THIS ONE WAS A DOOZY BUT I HOPE YOU ALL LIKED IT. I PROMISE EVERYTHING I WRITE WON'T BE EXTREMELY DEPRESSING.

[id0ntknow-whoiam]

i’m thinking of starting a series where i write about different songs and how i interpret them in an x reader fashion

[id0ntknow-whoiam]

hi everyone i’m rain <3

im thinking of starting some writing for creators i adore so if you’d like give me some requests!!. i’ve never written any smut before but ill gladly give it a try if that’s what you would like.

here’s some ppl i’ll write for and ill add more later on if yall actually enjoy my work

cc

~ james marriott (fluff, smut, angst, etc)

-wilbur soot (fluff, smut, angst)

-ted nivison (same^^^)

-jschlatt (^^^^)

-charlie slimecicle(^^^^^)

characters

~ nick miller

-joel miller

i’m going to mainly do either f reader or gn reader!!