icyblasty

[icyblasty]

April 24, 2023 1/2

FIRST ENTRY OF 2023.

In the length of 4 months, A LOT happened. I quit McDonald's in an unprofessional way on March 27, 2023. I lose Shannah as my best friend. I fabricated lies about Rannie (GM in McDeez) to Shannah though most of them are true. I contacted my old friends Junessa and Chesca. And I started working in Wendy's Winterburn location as a sandwich maker on April 17, 2023. AND I am still broke. I still 6,000$ on my NEO Card and I'm slowly overusing my Credit Visa CIBC. Josh doesn't have a job still. I don't wanna keep bugging him about it and how I badly wanna save up because I'm scared that he'll think that I only want him for money but the thing is, I want the both of us to have goals and to have our own financial freedom. But we can't do that if I'm the only one sacrificing and doing more pieces of stuff than him. I really wanna believe his words... about us moving out to our very first apartment together, buying our types of furniture out of our pockets and getting better and better at stuff that we're not usually good at. I honestly do not know what to do but I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out.

Today as well, we went to go golfing after my work. Was just being a caddie girl but also it is so cold and the food and drink there are REAL expensive. Can't really say NO to Josh if he wants something.

[icyblasty]

September 24, 2022

It is currently 10:45pm, I am having these thoughts that I feel like I am not even moving forward...Like all my friends are achieving something and that I am still here. same thing. June's started working and Chesca's going back to school and she is driving now, she even got her class 5 license first then me and Shannah getting promoted to a Manager at the place that I helped her get hired for. But I also got promoted last Thursday, Sept. 22, as a Manager at Walmart as well but just not as better as Shannah. Rannie, our general manager, even trusted her more than I do. But, I am slowly doubting myself that I can do better.

Josh, I am still hoping that he can find a better job this time and won't quit. I wanna build a healthy relationship with him, but it seems like our goals don't quite match. I wanted to save up again so I can support my school for next year, I even feel bad for lying to my parents that I am in school knowing that I am not just because I was pressured and I feel so worried about everything. I worried that if I may depend on Josh and his parents, it'll be harder for them. His parents are old already and I don't wanna be a burden to them. I keep telling him that we should be helping them out with some house chores. But knowing josh... he is always tired. I always worry about him. I'm worried that he'll get in trouble and when he is sick... I can't even say "just take a rest" I have to push him to get up because I have to earn money for us. 26$ of uber is enough for both of us to eat.

I love Josh, but sometimes it gets so tiring.

I love Josh, but sometimes I wish he can do better.

I love Josh, but sometimes I wish he can help me clean up.

I love him but sometimes I wish he can wiser about spending money.

[icyblasty]

February 5, 2022 9:46pm

First Entry of 2022, Josh and I had a lil fight today. Everything was fine a while ago but for some reason I just started to act up. There is like voices in my head that when I feel like I am not properly dressed in public with Josh, everyone's gonna judge me. Or like if someone that knows him sees him with me... I feel like he'll be embarrassed of me. I started having a social anxiety last year when I got my heart broken by Leandro that I thought was THE ONE. and ROBIN who I thought will be there for me. I started having issues and started being so insecure about myself especially with my body. I kinda even noticed that I started being so TOXIC to Josh... I know he was trying his best to comfort me. I really do appreciate everything that he was doing for me but I am scared that I am gonna say things that I'll regret in the end or will push him away.

[icyblasty]

November 19, 2021 FRIDAY

Today, I realized that my 600$ is not enough for my credit card. I was having a hard time with money and told Josh about it. I admit I don't usually tell people right away what i am feeling at that moment, it's because i'm scared that they'll turn their back on me and realized they couldn't love the real me. It's just that I want him to find a new job right away and help me a lil bit... but I also realized that I should help him too and trust him... believe in him... I also felt bad when I said that but just like he said if i didn't say anything it would just bother us both. I'm glad that he understand and I'm very lucky to have him.

[icyblasty]

November 17, 2021 Today, I bought at Indigo with Josh. We also had a little fight before we went to indigo. When we were grabbing our food at Edo's, he then mentioned Robin. The guy used me and take advantage of me. Not to mentioned that, he also texted me "hey" 3 days ago. Honestly, I was trying to hide it from Josh that he texted me because we'll fight about it again. But today's journal entry, I am not going to talk about that but, we did it. Yes... Josh and I did it at the back of his carseat... it is my first time doing it in public but it was really hot. The reason why I bought a book is because I also noticed that I am very slow at vocabs and I feel like reading book should help. I also noticed that I've been going through my social media almost every single day and it is not good. I got my journal and book inspiration from MaiPham <3

[icyblasty]

September 30, 2021 Thursday

Dear Future Self, I've been writing this journal or diary or whatever you call it for 2 years now. I stopped writing on here because I fell in love with this person named Leandro Costa, at first it was all just about how nice he is and because I wanna be friends with him as he is so good at his words and the way he cheers me up when things goes wrong. We started dating around April 2020, it wasn't that serious at first it is probably just that i was looking for something fun to do since it was pandemic but... i find comfort through his words. We lasted for a year. AND things changed this year.

[icyblasty]

ENG 30-1 Essay : THAT ONE THING

That One Thing, Icy Baring 

[icyblasty]

June 22, 2021 Tuesday 8:50pm

Ngayon di ako magsusulat for my future husband or to the person I am in love with right now. For now, it is Dear Future Self :  Cledd Ivan Balani Baring, pag naririnig nila yan at pag nakikita sa class list pag di mo kilala aakalain mong lalaki. Ang sarap maging bata wala kang iisipin masyado. Future Self, ngayong araw na ito nalaman natin na na-fail na naman natin yung goal natin. We were getting ready for Norquest College yay! but then hindi tayo nakapasa sa required course grade na kailangan sa Norquest. Syempre umiyak ako kasi nakita ko nung una 67 yun eh kailangan natin 60% sa Norquest. Pero, ngayon biglang nag loading naging 57% bigla. :( Hinihiling ko lang na mali yung pagka grade nila kasi :( gusto ko na mag give up. Nag email nako and if ever na yun talaga, isa lang choice ko kung hindi etake yung English 30-1 sa summer class. :(  

[icyblasty]

October 10, 2020

Dear Future Husband, 

well, from that February entry... There was a lot of things happened. We, class of 2020, didn’t say goodbye properly as we we’re quarantined because of this pandemic called “Corona Virus/ CoVid-19″. It affects all of us and it was so hard to get things done. We didn’t have a proper traditional graduation ceremony, but at least I got to wear my grad gown, v-tassel again to take some pictures yesterday (October 9,2020). 

When I was so bored, I used different kinds of app to meet new people on snapchat. I met this weirdo, Leandro Costa, duhhh... he’s nice at first and we officially started dating April 11th 2020, but I swear we talked a week and we just dated. I knowwwww so weird. 

[icyblasty]

Entry #15 February 9, 2020 Sunday 4:47AM

This is the first Entry for 2020, a lot of things happened this January. I am still recovering and still in search of who really i am, what i wanna do with my life and how can I be successful in the future. Well, I am writing this because I can’t sleep... first the house is so hot, i needed to open all of the windows... second i was ALMOST in the deep sleep until my dad starts to snor. Keep in mind, THE THREE OF US SLEEP IN THE LIVING ROOM while my stepmom is having a good rest and here I am struggling. I am writing this because I just want to take this out of mu chest before I go to sleep, I’ve been wanting to stay positive and cheerful this past few days despite all the things that happened. I tried to avoid all the things that would make me feel sad and unmotivated. But today, it just made me realize that my dad really changed ever since my stepmom arrived. He became so strict with us. He nagged more and a lot of times. Point out just the little mistakes. It’s always our fault and not theirs. I was just thinking, when I feel those things I have never complained nor let anyone suffer with me. I just feel like I am nobody in this house just because I did not contribute anything or help them out with something. I am crying while typing or writing this letter because I feel so isolated. The night is so quiet but at the same time my dad’s snor is so LOUD. It is just so unfair, that we are struggling and they are having a good rest and good time. I hate it.

[icyblasty]

Entry # 14 Dec 22,2019

Today was a very confusing and tiring day. I’m not really sure what is really going on. It feels like my feelings for Juan is slowly fading away. Friday, Dec 20,2019 I just realized that Juan is not my #1 bestfriend list on Snapchat. I felt sad but I feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. Today... at work... I’m not really sure why I cried maybe because I expect something from my parents last night to bring some food for me they didn’t even bother. It feels so awkward a while ago because Wei is not even looking at me and didn’t even check on me. Everyone’s asking if I’m okay but he was just doing his work and didn’t say a word. Karanbir and Jax told me to help Wei especially to the park orders and packing the orders. He was sent in the kitchen and I don’t really know why I feel like I want him to look at me. I was really not in the mood and I needed someone to cheer me up... Around 7:10pm I was sent to take my break and I really don’t know what to do. I needed a hug like a warm hug. A warm hug that Juan used to gave me when he was still working... When I was on break I was supposed to go to the crew room but I saw him and he probably saw me too and I quickly went back to the first booth because I don’t wanna see him. BUT He went to the first booth and so I sat on the crew room. But then he came in there and sat beside me. It was so awkward that I’m not even moving an inch. Then idk, out of nowhere after a minute of silent... he asked if I’m okay and I said yeah. Then I was like kind of teary a while ago. After that I just bow down on the table and then before he go he said “Do u want my candycane?” and I said “No thanks.” and then he was forcing it and put it my hands. Then he went a way while saying “eat my candycane, okay?” and then after that I feel okay. An hour later he was taking Jax’s lane on Drive-thru and whenever I take his lane he keeps saying “thank you” and for the last time he said, “I love you Cledd” and bro, I didn’t respond. I wanted to asked him when is he working but I think I was shy... but when I was off and walking towards the door. He was looking at me and said “bye” and I was like “Wei... when are u working next?” and he wasn’t listening to I called him loudly. He was pouting his lips and I was like “bro I’m just asking when are u working next.” He then said “friday”. And that what just happened for tonight.

[icyblasty]

Entry # 13 December 12, 2019

Today is our school tradition called Green & Gold tournament games. We only have selected classes today, it depends on the teacher if he or she is part of the game. Before everything happened last week’s night outs. I accidentally meet this guy from Instagram because he started talking to June and I was curious about why did he approach her.  I followed him back on Instagram and started talking, and he suddenly mentioned “Shakyla” which is our mutual friend. I have no idea if there’s something going on with these two but I’m only into one person, Juan. I’ll be honest he was acting all friendly, nice and very approachable that is why when he wanted to call... I answered it and we started calling and he keeps gassing me up telling me I’m a beautiful, cute and very kind person. How I wish I could tell this to Juan, but this guy named “chase” he was actually friendly. But I don’t find him cute or handsome. He’s just white. Then later, he is annoying to me and kept sending me messages asking me where am I, how am I doing, what am I up to, am I okay? So, I realized this is getting weirder. I know I still have to deal with Wei and Juan. I talked to Shakyla and she said I should stay away from him. I tried but I don’t want to be mean to other people, I was responding to his message pretty late because I don’t want him to get attached to me. Shakyla told me to invite him or convince him over to our school so that she can confront him personally. At first, I really think he wants me because he keeps bugging me and gassing me up. I didn’t mean to judge but he really thinks he can get girls that easily just because he’s white. BUT! I always told him I like someone else and I even lied that I’m hanging out with Juan and that we are meeting up later. HAHAHA  UNTIL TODAY, I was very calm when Shakyla approached me this morning and said to me that Chase is coming and I really don’t care. But she was freaking out lol hahaha. Anyways, that guy and I meet but Shakyla wanted me to hide and I don’t even know why am I hiding as if i did wrong. We kinda go around the school and talked just a little bit and I was pretty overwhelmed on how he welcomed me.  ENOUGH OF THAT STORY. BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS TODAY JUAN JUST SNAPBACK ME WITH “wya” <3 I did not expect him to start a conversation with me because I know he will never be like that to me. Like you guys know what I meant. I told him I was at school but I snapped it with my guy friends' legs. He was saying something like why I was at school if I don’t have classes and I feel like either he is bored or maybe he just wanted to talk. I still call him my crush tho. 

[icyblasty]

Entry #12 December 7, 2019

I was supposed to go to another party. It was to celebrate Taylor’s 18th birthday. Juan and I talked about taking nice picture together but then I realized I lost my identification card, I can’t go in clubbing and I swear it would be so weird to asks my dad my passport. I did my make up today and people keep staring at me because I look hella pretty. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I really want to go to Tay’s pre drink at least but then I don’t have a ride... Ugh i’m really stupid when it comes to this. I really misses Juan 😩😪😭 I REALLY WANT TO SEE HIM ESPECIALLY BOTH OF US ARE WEARING WHITE COLOR. He is wearing a white hoodie and I wore my white crop top. I’ve been thinking about him since yesterday because he was busy he couldn’t come to our mcdicks gathering and I understand that and it’s okay because I WAS REALLY HOPING TO SEE HIM 😩 BUT!!! it feels like the world just want me to give up on him. It feels like destiny is telling me that there’s no way you can meet him after he quit. I DONT WANT TO GIVE UP THAT EASILY.

Last night, I feel so weird. Even when Taylor, Kayla and Wei picked me up at Franchesca’s house yesterday. I feel like Wei is really weird towards me. AND IT GETS GETTING WEIRDER When he got drunk. Eileen and I went to him and we were like slapping him because his face is very red and his eyes too but then he keeps looking at me very weirdly. When I was left in there... he’s very flirty with me and asked me if I do have a boyfriend and I said I dont and then he asked me back like why don’t I have a boyfriend and I said I just don’t take relationship seriously (unless if it’s juan) and then he said if i’m one of a hoe like a white hoe and I said “you can say that” because it gets getting weirder and i don’t want him to go for me even though I used to like him because he was so nice towards me when I was on training. During that time Wei starts touching my hand and even starts hugging me. He even listens to me. When I told him to dance he was like “r u dancing too?” and i said “yeah” and then he start dancing. After that he just keep following me like lowkey following me around. Rhett arrived at 10pm and he wanted to smoke so Eileen, Trisha,Wei and I went out to smoke weed with Rhett but I DECIDE NOT TO SMOKE BECAUSE I DONT WANT MY ASIAN DAD TO FUCKIN SMELL ME. When Wei came back inside he literally sit beside me and put his arm over my shoulder and Rhett saw it and he said “Bro, I’m gonna tell Juan about this” while staring us. UGHHH I LITERALLY PUNCH RHETT ON HIS STOMACH and then Wei just keep holding or like playing with my hands. OH DAMN BRO, Before that happened, when he was like laying down when we were talking about why I dont have a boyfriend... we actually made a handshake WHICH IS VERY SIMILAR TO JUAN AND I’s HANDSHAKE. I even feel like it’s our handshake but like a little different because I keep thinking about Juan and while doing it my mind keep saying “Juan...Juan...Juan...” but because Wei is pretty drunk I just didn’t mind doing a handshake with him because we didn’t have one too.

I got driven off by my co-worker, Hafsa. Wei even pointing his left when I was about to left or like go out and again as i writing it here, I keep thinking about Juan because Juan always does that to me.

Juan and I is currently talking right now and he was asking why i couldn’t come and things like that. IF ONLY U KNOW HOW MUCH I MISS U :(

[icyblasty]

Entry # 11 November 13 2019

Before I talk about what happened today... Last Thursday Nov 7,2019 I was working and all of a sudden Rhett are so nice and we are so friendly to each other like very very friendly. I even told him how I started talking to Juan again and he was like he don’t care at all 😂 which we both realized why am i telling him about this. Then this crazy guy took a video of me and sent it to juan so I did the same thing! 😂😂😂 The next thing I know, Juan responded with “you want me” 😩 damn, yes i do!! i just cant tell you. When I forced Rhett to tell me what did Juan said Rhett just said “Juan said he loves you very very much” even though i know he’s lying but i still like it 😂

Anyways, today I got into a little fight with Chesca 😩 It is just a misunderstanding about the winter jacket. I told Juan I wanted to finish high school already and he was asking why. Then because I was so sensitive a while ago and didn’t think about Chesca. I told Juan that I am so tired with people who spreads fake news. At that time, I already expecting him that he wouldn’t care anyways so why would I explain to him what kind of rumours. After an hour, I didn’t expect to received a very positive and cheering up message for me. I have mixed emotions because I just found out that my mom is sick and she needs money to buy for her medicine and I am trying and looking for the right time to tell my dad about it. When Juan told me to drop those fake friends, I told him I can’t because of this and that. I can kinda feel that he cares tho. Idk why but it’s my first time receiving a encouragement reply from him on snapchat. I REALLY DO APPRECIATE IT! But I also found out by Taylor that he found a job at American Eagle at Wem! Taylor offers me to work there too but I’m afraid that he’ll find it weird and creepy. I don’t wanna follow him like forever everywhere. I am still a strong independent woman. 😂 I had a great time talking with him tho. That’s it for now folks! 🥂

[icyblasty]

Entry #10 November 6,2019

Juan was acting strange through streaks these past few days. Someone even did his streaks for him this monday and I was thinking that’s kinda weird because I don’t think he’ll let someone else to open his snap unless if it’s an important person I GUESS? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I checked his instagram yesterday or the other day and I realized he deactivated it... I was pretty scared that he blocked me or unfollowed me tho because that would only break my heart.

Anyways, during our lunch break today... I opened his snap only to receieved a streak :( I never talked to Juan ever since the day he left to work. I tried being busy and talked to some other guys but he is always on my mind.

I was feeling so confident a while ago and said “hey” but i really don’t want to sent it because i’m kinda scared that maybe he’s not gonna respond. Shannah, was the one who send it for me. AND then after 3 minutes he said “Hi” 😍❤️💕😩 and I was so happy because THAT WAS SO QUICK. ❤️ Then I said “how r u?” Only to receieved a response after 8 hrs 🙄🙄🙄 but he said he was sorry because he’s busy and he was also asking if how i was doing. We started talking about games like League of Legends... comparing it to Mobile Legends and then Dota 2 😂 Ugh... bruh why do I like him so much? Am going crazy just thinking about him. But then the past always haunts me... feels like it is stopping me. :(

[icyblasty]

Entry # 9 Saturday August 17,2019

The moment I opened my eyes I know something is wrong and I know it’s about last night’s family and friends gathering.

I decided to let go and tell Franchesca and June that I’ll be away and I cannot go and watch Kiev and my Brother’s basketball game. I also have work.

I was texting my Dad if he can give me a ride to my work and he was not replying even though I know they were awake. I was so sorry and I know it is my fault. Then my dad replied saying he cannot give me a ride because they are going to see a doctor for a check up. It was so hard for me, because I know I have to say sorry.

So they left. I went to my room and cry again. My brother was knowing the door and saw me I was crying and he was asking why. At first, I said nothing. But I couldn’t stop from asking me if my stepmom is really pregnant. Finally, My brother said she is not pregnant. I know she cannot be pregnant but who knows. I was just so shocked and like traumarized for no reason.

I went to work with swollen eyes, well not really but my eyes are kinda red. People in there can tell. I just keep thinking about Juan and just thinking about him just gives me chills. I was running late and I went to washroom to tie my hair and when I go out and went infront to asked Gunoor if where am I gonna stay...

I saw him... I saw Juan...yes, the person I really missed. I was not okay. So I didn’t got the time to say Hi. But I saw him smiling :) which gave me reliefs. I guess he was with his mom that time and Juan is driving. At least with a glance, I saw him smiling at me. Even though I choose to walked away and went to the first window. 😂

Well, everything went to smooth today. Wei is giving me his attention and charms 😂😂 He got his hair permed and was like pouting his lips on me. Bruh, Juan is doing that to me so I’m not gonna fall for anyone. Because Juan looks way better than anyone else when he does the pouty lips on me. Because Juan is enough. I was taking lane 2 and Cash that time and when Wei arrived he was like “Dont worry I’m gonna take lane 2 soon, I got you”.

I’m still not used to when people talked about Juan but I’ll be okay. Unless Karanbir stop talking about him whenever Juan come to drive-thru. Lol 😂

I already talked to JM about Franchesca’s job related. I overshared I know. I went home and my dad pick me up. We talked about lastnight. Then I was crying. Arrived home. Talked to my stepmom and explained everything.

Thanks to the JUAN.

We went to bed smiling.

[icyblasty]

Entry #8

A lot of things happened this past few days... To be honest, I am looking for a sincere hug. Last Friday (August 16,2019) My dad and my stepmom decided to have a thanksgiving party with family and friends. I was actually okay that morning and full of energy because I also got my nails done the day before the gathering. But then a news from Franchesca ruined it... I can’t blamed her for everything since I intentionally also ignored their calls. She brought Melque one of our friends who informed me about Chesca and Rick during our last day of school. I wasn’t happy at all because I planned what are we gonna do during the gathering... Even when they arrived she wanted me and Kiev to stay at my room and I dont want Melque to feel like she was alone and she wasn’t supposed to be at my house.

I just wanna be happy at that moment because I was so down the night before the gathering... I missed Juan so bad but because something is stopping me, I couldn’t start our conversation and tell him how I really feel. I was scared.

I was trying to be calm during the gathering when Franchesca’s announcement made me go numb. She was like “Icy may sasabihin ako sayo, gusto ko saakin manggaling.” Everyone become quiet when she said that and all the looks was on her. Then she said this, “Buntis si Tita”

My mind went blank and Everyone became more quiet. All I can say that time is, “Bahala kayo dyan, Kayo mag bantay niyan” and I walked out and sit beside to Melque. I cannot stay still so I went to my room and I just cannot stay still and when I went to washroom and saw myself in the mirror... I just started crying. Until I was blowing my nose I don’t know if it’s because of my long nails... the blood in my nose just started to run. Then they were looking for me and then, they tryna make things better but because I was so shocked... I just dont know what to do and how to act after I heard that news...

Because the tears keep running to my face, I decided to go out and stayed at the near bus stop of our apartment and cried there. I feel so alone and I don’t even know what to do and how am I gonna face them.

After June went to pick me up at the bus stop, we came back at my house. But the pain is still there... I was so sad... and scared... I feel like in any time soon, I’m gonna blowout. Singing and Crying literally let people think I’m insane...

Chesca and I talked about it and we tryna solved it. She said she was sorry because she was just trying to make things better. I just said okay...it’s fine... I am sorry too... I didn’t mean to be rude to you... I didn’t meant to embarrassed you... and I said sorry again...

The party is still going on until Chesca once again was telling my brother’s girlfriend that “Hoy bakit di ka naman nag Hi sa ate ng jowa mo” I was really embarrassed already and I don’t know what to do.

At the end of the day.

It was my fault of acting like that and I ended up being more sad.