icomeheretoventgoaway

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

06.20.18

Things are seeming like they will never get better.

I havent written in a long time. 

Since my last post things in my life have gotten out of control. My uncle passed away after a 60 day coma in January. We still have no clue what happened. One day he was here and fine, the next he was in a coma on a road of pain and confusion. It was ruled a homicide. The doctors have no clue what happened. His entire body shut down. I went to the hospital multiple times to visit, as my mom was literally living there by his side 24/7. The last time i went to see him i was told to say goodbye and that they were pulling the plug because there was nothing left they could do, he was gone. I had to stand at his bedside while his son- my cousin- weeped over his fathers dying body. I had to watch my mother go through months of depression and pure pain, praying that her brother would not die as shes lost both her parents already. Seeing him on his final day is a horrid memory plastered in my memory forever. He looked like a zombie. His body had given up, he was yellow and covered in blood from being pricked constantly with neeedles and tubes pumping as much medicine as possible. He was dying, but his eyes were open and so was his mouth. He shook his head “no” constantly, as if he was telling us “please stop, no more, let me go”. It was the worst thing ive ever seen in my life i will never be able to forget that image of him. Days before losing my uncle one of my childhood bestfriends died- was murdered. She was drugged and raped and left to die. While  attending her funeral i felt compeltly numb, i had to watch the several people i grew up with fall to pieces. I had to go up to her dead stiff body and say goodbye. I went to say goodbye right after her father.. I had to watch his grab and hold her limp dead body while screaming and crying. That broke any bit of my heart i had left. I soon after had to attend my uncles funeral. I thought i would be ok, i’ve never been one to cry at funerals or be able to show my emotions infront of large groups i usually try to make light of the situaton and be the shoudler to cry on. I cried harder then ive cried in years. I completely fucking broke down. I had to watch my father go up infront of a large crowed including his friends, family, and co-workers. ive never seen my father cry to a memeory i can remember vividally. This is a memeory i will never ever in my life be able to erase. My grown, strong father absolutley fell apart up there in tears and sobbing infront of everyone. My heart fucking broke. He was so heartboekn and distresssed and emebrassing he couldnt even finish his speech my sister had to. That was probably the most traumatic part of all of this, watching my family be in pain and fall apart. I havent even been able to talk to a thepraist since. I was so busy with school, barely passing, trying to make my relationship work, trying to be there with my family, and trying to attend a plamcement to get my hours even though i hated it there. I have so much going on in my head i have no where to vent it. Its just stuck hre 

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

I never thought i would find a love like this, certainly not now. 

I wasn’t looking, it just happened. And i fell, i fell so fucking hard. I never thought i would find a love like this, a die for you, soul-crushing love.

 I never thought i could love and adore another human like i did you. You couldn’t do wrong in my eyes. From the day we started there was a million signs, screaming at me to run. 

But i ignored every single one, because i was mesmerized, infatuated by you and everything you had to offer. 

But thats what you do isn't it? Thats how you got all those countless girls, and still continue to do so. This persona, whether true or not, you know how to pull girls in, say & do all the exact right things to manipulate our minds to become so intrigued by your bad boy/ still kind of good boy attitude. 

I fell so deeply, madly, painfully, in love with you. I loved you more than myself. I still do.

I gave you every thing i had in me to give,

but it wasn't enough.

I went above & beyond for you whenever i could, i was so madly inlove and passionate and affectionate.

Maybe it was too much for you. Maybe i was too much,  I usually am.

I gave you, this relationship, this love, this could’ve been lifelong commitment, every single inch of my body and soul but it still was not good enough for you.

I got the same treatment of every other girl you’v ever infected with your poisonous “love”. Those same girls who you continued contacting throughout our relationship

I really hated them for a long time, an anger that was toxic & unhealthy. But now i understand. I understand the soul-crushing, burning pain of heartbreak you made them endure. I understand the obsession with you, not being able to let go when it is so obviously clear that that is the only option left. 

I gave you my all.

I fell so deeply in love with you physically, mentally, intellectually, and spiritual. 

I loved your flaws so deeply

I loved you so deeply i tried to defend you to the end, i still do.

Because thats the thing with love; you’ll let them get away with murder, even if its your own.  And in my case i let you murder me

I destroyed myself trying to be with you, desperately needing you to love me like i love you. Gripping at any pathetic sense of hope you gave me;

because you knew exactly how to keep me, i was like your little doll or your rabbit being taunted with the carrot.

You knew how much i loved you deeply, and you knew no matter how much you broke me down over & over, as long as you said some heart felt, loving words that you knew i wanted to hear,

id come back. 

There are plenty of ways to die, but only love can kill and keep you alive at the same time.

I am dead.  You killed me.

You killed my happiness, my strength, my self esteem, my mind, my body.

You’ve touched every inch of this body that i am stuck in. You also touched hers with those same hands. 

How do i shed myself of this skin i so desperately want to get away from

My finger tips have felt the body i love so dearly, and pathetically, would do anything to feel that warm skin under my hands. just to feel that comfort again

You make me want to die, but you're the one thing i want so badly to live for.

You broke me, in every way possible. I can't sleep, i can't shut my eyes or stop my mind from the constant necessary busyness or ill see you, ill imagine her, ill think of what horrible things could have happened in that house i considered home less than 24 hours after i left.

You’ve stolen something from me in this. You stole my hope that there is good in this world, that because I'm a good person i will receive good things

Your negative outlooks on life turned out to be true. 

You’re mean, and evil and toxic and you flourish in this world and receive the luck and happiness that you shouldn't.

I'm good, i care for people, I'm passionate and empathetic. Im a good person with a huge heart. And that is my exact downfall, i am my own worst enemy in this. Because of my big heart i let someone into my life, pathetically hoping they could change and grow into the personal i so desperately thought i could see in your, in your soul.

But i was wrong. You're bad.

You hurt innocent people like me and destroy us.

You've destroyed me. I will NEVER be the same, you've taken that from me.

Not only have you brought this constant, unbearable, agonizing pain into my life but you've ruined my future. 

You’ve ruined my chances at every forgiving or trusting any men.

You’ve ruined people’s chances to experience being with the real me i used to be until you crushed her.

You’ve taken so much from me and left me with nothing. I am nothing. I am worthless and i would be much better off dead. 

But i can’t do that to the few people who actually do love me...

So i stay,  and endure this pain. Every  Single Minute

of

Every Single Day.

I sit here every night and think the worst thoughts possible. i lay in bed buried in my covers,sobbing and screaming into my pillow

A part of me prays one night someone will hear,

Someone, anyone will care

But no one does. No one cares. No one checks up on me

Because were all alone in this world. I am completely alone in this world now 

Every single night for the past 22 nights that i have been alone, i consider taking the blade stored in my drawers and slicing is vertically against the vein popping out of my arm

but every night, i realize i can't.

So i settle with laying there and fantasizing about my death. 

My favourite one is a car accident, quick & painless and then I'm gone

sometimes i truly hope i fall into a slumber and never wake up.

i have good-bye notes written for all my loved ones stored on my laptop just incase

I lay here tonight, tears in my eyes, loud angry music playing in my ears;

trying to imagine a future without you by my side

The longer I'm unable to see it, the harder i cry 

You were supposed to be my person, my soul mate. We were suppose to travel together, to go to Calgary together. We were supposed to live together, grow together and motivate eacother in our careers. We were supposed to get a dog together, and eventually have a baby together. We were suppose raise our child together and be the coolest parents ever. We were supposed to grow old together, still madly in love. We were supposed to truly love each other.

I guess i was the only one that truly meant every word I've sad to you about us, our relationship, my love for you.

My love for you is so deep its toxic, its killing me.

Ill never find a love like this again, and maybe thats a good thing.  I’d never let myself love someone like this ever again

There’s always, forever, going to be a spot in my heart for you. A spot i can’t give to anyone else. 

And for you, well, you’ll move on in no time.

You’ll have a new, young, loving, naive girl to destroy and kill

I loved you, I love you, and i’ll never stop loving you. I killed myself loving you

and id do it all again in a heartbeat.

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

Im never going to forget him

His beautiful sparkly eyes that pierced mine, or his grin that always made my heart beat a little faster. His scars under each eye that i used to trace with my fingers, i can still feel it on my fingertips. His lips as soft as ever, his silky beard brushing against my face when i embrace him in a kiss.  His big hands, when they cradled me i felt so small and safe. I fell in love with every single bit of him. Its the type of soul-crushing, life-taking, die-for-you, type of love in the movies. 

Except in the movies, there’s always a happy ending.

Whereas for me, well, I fell inlove with the wrong person.

I don't think i’ll ever fall out 

12/06/17

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

10.09.2017

iTS GETTING SO BAD AGAIN 

Things never change i dont know  why i keep thinking they do. i don't change. Im the same fucked up little girl i was in high school, i dont know  whats wrong with me. i don't want to be in a relationship, i don't want to love or care about anyone I'm so sick of being hurt. I’m sad and angry all the time, I'm not happy. I'm fat, SO FAT,  i fucking hate my body more than i ever though possible i HATE it I'm disgusted by myself, I've never been this bad. I want to crawl out of my own skin, id do anything to be someone else

I haven't been seeing my therapist for a long time and i think thats really effecting me... i have so much that happened this summer and so much I'm going through now that i really need to talk about. He comes back thursday and i can set up appointments with him then, its all i really have to look forward to. 

i love T with all my heart, i think too much. I think its unhealthy and i think I'm becoming toxic. I let him hurt me so much over and over and i just come back because i love him and i know he loves me but i dont know  if he's good for me.I think I'm that stereotypical young dumb girl who stays with someone who clearly is  fucking around on them. Theres some times i think he could really be cheating. 

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

08.13.17

i am broken. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and i don't know whats wrong with me. I am never enough for any relationship, i am not enough for any man. T has broken my heart over and over... he's making it clear he doesn't respect my feelings, i think he just knows how much i really love him and that i can't walk away. i found my soulmate, my best friend, my everything and its really seeming like he doesn't value me even half as much as i value him. i don't understand how he can hurt me so much, over and over the broken promises he just does these things over and over. i feel numb, i feel miserable. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to be in this body. i don't want to have this brain. i hate my thoughts. i hate myself. he's made me hate myself and i told him that. i don't understand why I'm not enough for him, why I'm not enough for any guy. I'm really fucked up, if i can take anything from this its that. i am mentally unfit for any human relationship. I'm insane, insecure, jealous, irrational, paranoid, and just fucked up. I've probably done this. its probably all my fault. I'm too much to handle, I've been told that time and time again. I'm so sick of being sad and hurt. this has been the worst few weeks of my life. Maybe this is my karma, this is what i get i hurt K and A a lot, A more than anyone. What i did to him was so fucked up and not ok and i think thats why I'm getting all this bad karma.... i don't understand why he keeps texting all these girls.. i don't trust him not one bit, i have a horrible feeling that he's the guy everyone warned me about but i just can't believe it. Im so madly inlove i would do literally anything for this person, this si the person i want to marry and have a life and family with but  i love him a lot more than he loves me 

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

i don't want to be here anymore

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

03/16/17

I guess a lot has changed since i last wrote but at the same time a lot hasn't. I don't speak to W at all anymore, things got so horrible i think he was pretty close to getting physically  abusive. It was at the point that he was harassing and assaulting me. I have blocked him on all social media and text so he cant contact me. I still have to see him sometimes, rarely now because i never come around and he hasn't said anything the last 2 times. I'm dating T now. i love him a lot. But sometimes things aren't good between us. He has his demons and its really hard. I'm supposed to go live with him this summer and work but things just recently got messy. i dont know  how i feel. i started seeing a therapist, i dont know  if its working. He told me to write here when things get bad. Things are bad. I feel like nothing is going right, i make every wrong decision possible in my life. i should have never dropped out of school, i would've been graduating in a month. atleast id have that if nothing else. but instead incompletely starting over. 20 years old and nothing to show for it. just starting school and i didn't even get into the program i want. i feel like a huge failure, i dont know what the fuck I'm doing. i don't know if this relationship is healthy for me. I'm happy mostly i think, but the bad times can be really bad. i love him and i know he loves me but is that enough. is this relationship benefiting me and good for my mental health? I've never been intelligent or strong enough to be able to answer that question. it seem i end up here in every relationship.. usually i just stay because I'm too weak and pathetic to walk away and i burn the relationship to the ground trying to save it until theres absolutely nothing left except pain. Everyones told me that were moving too quickly and i think deep down i know it too but am too scared to admit it. i want us to be deeply inlove and moving quickly because its so raw and pure and passionate but I'm not sure his motive is as pure and innocent as i may hope. I'm too weak to make myself truly think if this summer is a good idea for my mental health or not. i keep weighing the pros and cons but one thing raises above all else. if i don't go and i stay here, ill never see him. and hell spend his summer up there with all these party people and who knows what hell do. i don't trust him. its so early on and i don't trust him. and i guess thats partly my fault but party his as well. I feel like all my relationships end up like this , i dont know  why. I'm starting to think theres something wrong with my head, sometimes i really feel like I'm crazy and i can't see things for how they truly are. i think I'm so logical and mature when dealing with relationships but when i get into a fight, its hard to explain, at some point i come to a state where i just don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore and i just get angry and want to say “just never mind” but i think its myself I'm mad at. is that me realizing for a second of clarity that I'm insane and angry over things that aren't actually there? do i fabricate these issues? i dont know  

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

Things aren't getting better

i feel like I'm stuck in a rut that i will never get out of. I dropped out of school. All i really have going for me now is working at fuckin pita pit and getting drunk with my friends. Drinking makes me really sad a lot of the time tho, and the hangovers are aways a really shitty emotional day. W doesn't even hate me anymore, he just doesn't care. He tweaked on me at my friends birthday cause i brought a guy... i knew it was a dumb choice but me and the guy are really good friends i wasn't all over him. After that, he sent me a really mean text saying “We good now? Like can i lose your number ? Until next summer when u wanna use Kate for her pool again u wrench”

It absolutely broke my heart in 2. i woke up to it and cried and cried and had to go to work and pretend everything was ok. i  was so mad all i said back was i don't care what you do but stay the hell away from me. I was so mad. 

he never responded to that. 

5 days later i texted him “It's honestly really bothering me how we left things. I can't stand the thought of you hating me”

he said “ We don't get along I'm done with the shit We are all good just lets not talk or anything . Nothing personal but I think I need to be about me for a bit.”

we didn't argue, basically just a short convo and he politely made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with me. I saw him last night, i drank too much and got so emotional. He wouldn't even speak to me, i tried so hard.. so many times.. i cried and cried at the bar because of him. He just didn't care to even talk to me, he's past hating me he just literally couldn't care less. i think we hugged, i told him i miss him and he said he misses me too. i embarrassed myself so much i was so pathetic. i texted him after he left the bar. he told me to come over. he called me baby. i got upset and said he hates me, he's so mean to me. he apologized and just kept saying for me to comeover. i knew i couldn't... 

i said “No youre just not into me I just gotta accept it” he said “I am, Still am. I wanna sleep and do cool things with you Come here :(”

i asked if all i am to him is a fuck buddy and he said “no, never”

i asked why he wanted me to comeover he said “Cuz I like u n I want u”

he said he misses me and wants me. 

i tried to text him this morning to talk and he was so dry.wouldnt even answer me. 

i really don't know wha to do anymore... he's breaking my heart every weekend over and over... i have to stop hanging out with these people i can't see him anymore.

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

W

After k and i finished i started hanging out with a different friend group, a bit friend group. Its my best friends boyfriends friends.

Anyways, one of the guys really liked me and my friend kate would tell me all about it and the sweet things he'd say about me when i wasn't there and he started texting me a little bit and i was just so excited to have the attention from a guy. Everyone told me he was so sweet and would treat me like gold.  One night we drunkenly made out, i wasn't over K yet tho so i wanted to take things slow. Another night he was hammered and i wasn't and he borderline sexually harassed me in front of everyone, he wouldn't stop touching me and groping me and it was humiliating. I got really mad and he apologized. We had a few more good nights, we texted a little but he's bad at texting because he worked so much.

There was one really bad night. A lot of us were all hanging out and me and W were on good terms i thought, i brought 2 of my best friends to meet him and he ignored me the entire night (his idea of”giving me space” because i told him the night before i needed to take things slow) Anyways i was kinda emabrased my friends were like wtf why isn't he talking to you but i just went about my night. At one point he started being weird with one of my friends like picking her up and telling her to go hook up with beez and she was like wtf?? so i told him to stop and then he asked me to talk and we went outside to talk and i said i  was pissed that he was ignoring me and like making me look like an idiot because i brought my friends to meet him but he won't even speak to me and he was super drunk and said he was trying to give me space because what i had said the night before and like i understood where he was coming from but he was so drunk he was being really rude and kept telling me to fuck off so i walked away which really made him mad and he came in and started SCREAMING at me in front of everyone for me to leave and that he and no one else wants me there, and I'm not welcome so i asked the guy who actually lived there if he wanted me to leave and all the guys were like no stay? anyways i just ignored him and tried to play it cool ( i was actually sober thank god) I just was hanging out with my friends and goofing off and he was LIVID i could see him starring, and whenever his friends even touched me he'd scream for them to get off and then i was outside and he came out and started saying shit again so i fucking LOST IT and screamed back telling him he was a joke and an embarrassment and that this isn't his house no one cares that he wants me to leave and then ya it just got so embarrassing so me and my friend just left even tho everyone told us to stay. i was so heartbroken i just cried all night, i never thought id talk/see him again. I told my other friend all about it because she wasn't there and i went to her house the next day and W WAAS THERE!!! he came to hangout with her boyfriend and it was so awkward i just kept to myself and didn't speak to him at all i was so fucking livid, he didn't even look at me. i ended up leaving early because i just was so upset and he texted me this after i left:

“I'm sorry for everything I said to you yesterday. I embarrassed you and I and I don't know what to say. Regardless of the personal relations that we have I was in the wrong. I couldn't find the time to say this personally today and I'm sorry for that as well. No excuse for being drunk.. I have no doubt that you won't forgive me but I feel like an apology was needed. I do respect you and your wishes. I was not ignoring you I was only trying to give you space. What you told me on Saturday threw me off.. It's no excuse for me to treat you like that.. I could talk about it more but I hope you understand. I let my emotions get the best of me. Sorry I'm sorry if I upset you.”

we argued a bit and i said i needed some time to think and eventually we tried to go back to normal but he'd get drunk and be so mean to me and like never texted me we barely talked, he asked me out on a date one night AND ENDED UP BRINGING HIS FRIEND so i just gave up. He freaked out on me again recently on his birthday, we were all at his house and he asked me to go downstairs and hookup and i said no so he screamed at me to get out of his house again.

Now like a week later we had a nice civil night, not how we usually used to be with each other tho but we sat beside each other and he rubbed my leg it was nice. Apparently he was talking shit about me that night tho to my best friend.

I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore 

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

Things my father said to me while discussing the suicides in his family

“someone who attempts suicide is not someone who wants to die, its someone whos calling for help” 

“a parent will never be ok ever again after losing a child that way”

"its just never the answer"

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

Kayla

Kayla, I love you so so so so so much. I feel like you were one of the very few people who actually understood me and my struggles. You were always so great to me and understanding, if anything were to go wrong I knew I could go to you for help without any judgment. You were like a cool mom LOL. I know you were always very dissapointed with yourself for the mistakes you have made in your life but I really really wish you'd just understand that everyone makes mistakes kay!! You're not perfect, nor are you expected to be. You have been through so much in your life and you are always such a very strong woman and for that I am so grateful to have you as a big sister and a role model. You have made mistakes like any other human has in their life, you're still very young Kay, no one knows what their doing!! Everyone just kinda falls into place someday, no one has this big giant plan for their life that actually works out. You should live your life the true way that you want to instead of being unhappy. Working here in Canada does not make you happy, you're a very special soul Kay, you're a little hippie!!! You need to travel the world and do whatever will make your soul happy and be with someone who understands this truly and treats you as wonderful as you deserve. You are a queen and need to be treated like one!! All my life I've been very very jealous of how pretty you are, you are gorgeous and intelligent and you will do great things Kay even if it's just living the life that makes you truly happy. You have wanderlust in your soul!!!! I love you will all my heart Kayla, I'm so grateful to have had you as a sister. I really really don't want this to impact your life in a negative way for long Kayla. This is something I had to do, you know that burning passion deep in your soul that urges you to travel? Well I have a similar feeling 24/7 in my mind, body and soul and it is to no longer be feeling this pain I feel everyday. It has nothing to do with you, Ashley, mom, or dad or anyone. It's a constant horrible struggle with my brain, I can't get away from my brain, I can't get away from myself, I couldn't be helped. This is the thing that will make me happy, that will finally give me peace. Try to think of it that way, that your little sister is finally happy and finally at peace. I didn't feel pain, and I wasn't sad. I was finally happy to be done. As fucked up as that is LOL. I'm going to watch over you and keep you safe Kay, I believe there is a heaven and thats where I'll be, with nana!!!hahah. I write this letter not with sadness, but with finally the feeling of peace. I'm at peace with my decision Kayla, I'm okay with this. And I want all of you to be okay please, please please please be okay. Please live your life with happiness and do whatever the heck you want to make your life as wonderful as you are. Just because my brain ruined me from enjoying life doesn't mean you guys can't lol! I've tried everything Kay you have to understand that, I've really really tried for years. The medication didn't work for me, everything I tried didn't work. I was sick of hurting myself, I was sick of treating everyone a round me sooo poorly just because I was unhappy. I want you all to be so happy!! That's all I want. Obviously there's day you'll be upset, and I know this will be a large shock to you guys and the thought of how much this will hurt you guys actually makes me sick to my stomach I can't deal with it. But I just really really need you to understand I NEEDED to do this, it was only a matter of time and I was just done struggling. Please don't get depressed, don't let mom and dad fall apart, live life happily for me! I love you so much kayla, will all of my heart. You are an absolutely beautiful human being and you have the purest heart Live for me, be happy for me, big sis

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

Things I wanted to text you

01.02.16 "I saw Renee, Gareth's girlfriend today at chapters. I always liked her a lot. I miss all of us playing that board game together at your house after work... Those seemed to have been happier and simpler times. I wanted to ask her about you, or find wherever Gareth might Be, just talking to him makes me feel closer to you" "I got a really cute new bag from indigo for school, I wanted to send you a picture of it, you would've liked it.. I always base my style off of what I think you'd like... I just want the approval" "I'm watching friends, I love this show. Monica and chandler are about to get married in Vegas" "Ross and Rachel are so adorable, when they're drunk asf in the hotel in Las Vegas. They remind me of us, so messy. LOL when Ross falls 'are you okay' omg I just died" "I started new anxiety/anti depressant pills, I hope to get better for you maybe one day I'll be okay"

[icomeheretoventgoaway]

Mom and Dad

 The first thing that i need to say, and truly mean is THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT 

There was nothing you couldve done to prevent this. I think a huge reason why i hung on for so long and avoided doing this was because i love you guys so much. The absolute worst feeling in the world is thinking that i could cause you pain for the rest of your lives. I spent many hours planning this, thinking of the outcome and how it would effect everyone, and you guys were the hardest. I worried you guys would blame yourselves and never forgive one another, i worried youd leave one another and never fully recover as a person. I had to do this to escape my pain, please dont let this be the beginning of yours. I know everyone says it, but i truly had the best parents i could have ever asked for. Mom, you are such a beautiful person inside and out. I know youve been struggling so much since Nana.... i wish i could take that pain away from you, you deserve to be as happy as possible. I will always remember the times that you comforted me when id come running into your room crying, i wish i told you more about what was going on in my life, but i didnt want you to worry mom i hated the thought of you being anything but extremely happy and thats why this was so unbelievably hard. Keep being the wonderful, kind person that you are. Plant a bunch of beautiful flowers for me, smile for me, live for me. I love you so much. Dad, you are one of the funniest people i have ever met, you constantly had me laughing and i loved that we shared the same humor, please let other people see that side of you, be yourself be kind and be friendly and dont put this huge barrier up, the people that know you well absolutely adore you for your silly personality. You were always so hard on yourself but in reality you were only doing the absolute best you could do, and it was more than enough. You always made sure we had a nice beautiful safe house to live in and ill never be able to show you how grateful i was for that. You never said no to buying us something we needed, you gave us more than we could ever ask for and i love you so much Daddy, youre so hardworking its admirable. I want you both to live your lives for me because i promise ill be right there beside you guys, watching over you and making sure you guys are okay.  Please dont let my death be the end of your life as well. I know asking for you to be completely fine is a bit unrealistic and thats not what im asking. I know its going to hurt for you guys alot at first and i wish it didnt have to it eats at me every single day thinking how this will effect you guys. All i can ask of you guys is to realize i lived as long as i needed to, i had a wonderful and amazing family and im so grateful for that. But i was hurting, alot , all the time and this was the best thing for me even though it hurts the ones i love. Please be okay..... please

Dont be mad at yourselves, or anyone at all becase it was no ones fault at all. I grew to accept that im mentally ill, i am the way that i am for a reason, this was the life that was meant for me, im still not sure why yet but sometimes God works in mysterious ways and i believe God set this course of live for me and im going to go to heaven and i will finally stop hurting, i will be ok. I willl always symbollically be there with you guys, my love is never ending. Dont be afraid to give my stuff away, sell it, keep it, give it to kayla, whatever you do it wont offend me in any way. Use my room for something that will make you all happy. LIve your lives every day for me, do what makes you happy, LOVE EACHOTHER, and whenever you need to talk to me, i promise ill be listening.Its hard to write this, i keep thinking abot the amount of pain im going to cause you.... i keep thinking that maybe im being selfish... 

I love you so much with every inch of my body and my entire soul. Please dont hate me, please dont hate eachother, please be happy. Im so sorry

Love,

 your baby Kimmy