ickthehobbit

[ickthehobbit]

february

I am super excited to rekindle my spark with myself. Because I had spent so much time putting value in the fact that I was desired and desirable- without romantic or sexual correspondence in the past i would have felt empty and ugly. But something about right now is so different and so beautiful. Even though my screen time has gone up so has my self esteem. It’s not that I am not loved or wanted because I am most fucking definitely wanted and loved, I am still desirable without said correspondence. And it’s super fucking freeing to be able to exist and thrive in solitude. I Immediately jumped on tinder after my last relationship because my ex partner left me feeling ugly and unwanted- so i created correspondence with an array of random men. And it was fulfilling to be seen as hot, sexy, pretty, cute, etc. It did my ego good. Now that my ego is full and now that I don’t have to question my desirability I can create peace and quiet for myself. Unsure if it’s all men or just the men that want ME but they’re psychotic and vapid at the same time. To allow myself to be vulnerable with a man in a romantic or sexual fashion would be to allow myself to get hurt. Repeatedly. And in such a fashion that the pain resembles a samurai suicide, gutted and bleeding alone. I am tired of getting hurt so I refuse to hurt. True neutrality of the self. I am so excited and ready to exist freely without tethering myself to some fucking mid white guy that I only crave the approval of because of long hair, or tattoos, or knowledge of death metal. I am tired of craving approval or craving attention and correspondence. Tired of talking to men for months on end just to get ghosted. And hurt, and feeling like a bad guy, a villain. Tired of slicing my stomach open and letting my entrails spill out on the floor over men who listen to metal. I want to be able to feel safe and wanted and cared for wherever I go and that is the life I need to create for myself and that is the life I AM creating for myself. I want to focus on homework and have an appetite. I deserve peace. I will create peace in the absence of a fuckass man. I am sick of feeling like a dirty fucking leech gremlin. I am not a leech nor am I anything inherently dirty or harmful. I am a good being.

[ickthehobbit]

february

remember when I said I was scared he was ghosting me? That’s because he was. I dont know if he’ll come back, I want him to come back. We have a mutual friend who I was fwb in secret. I dont know if he knew or what he knew or of he’ll know that he ghosted me. I love this mutual friend so much. I’m scared of losing him. So fucking scared. But regardless I am distraught.

I am done with men. Wholly and perpetually done with men. Men will do nothing but hurt and take and hurt more. I gave him so much. I met this man within weeks of me being over my ex. I was so excited. And then I got put right back into that pain. It hurts so bad. But here’s the cool thing about it: i am done forever with romantic and sexual love. I will never let myself hurt like I am hurting today. I will never put myself through that like fucking ever again. It fucking sucks and it makes me feel like the fucking biggest idiot on the face of the earth. But it’s going to be okay, I am gonna heal from this and then I wiill move on and be done. I am surprised that it didnt work honestly. Because all signs pointed to yes in that situation. I dont know what the fuck to do. I am so unbelievably upset. I am so distraught. I can’t do this again. I wont do this again.

I think this might have been the source of my deep anxiety. I find strange comfort in the fact that now that it’s over between us I can stop worrying about losing him. I can stop panicking over doing something wrong. That’s nice. But it would have been nicer if him and I were partners.

I have ben doing two things 1. Listening to preachers daughter by ethel cain. 2. watching markiplier play the last of us on a loop.

“if my wishes came true it would have been you, In my defense I have none for never leaving well enough alone, but it would have been fun if you would have been the one.”

“Don’t talk to strangers or you might fall in love, I tried to be good am I no good am I no good? if i’m turning i your stomach and I’m making you feel sick.”

[ickthehobbit]

february

I am scared that I’m gonna fail my classes. my mental health issues have put a heavy cloud on my entire life. My tinnitus is worse and my mom is having minimal health issues. I am so scared for her, even though she is fine, the doctors visits keep coming back that they’ve found nothing but I am still petrified.

With the guy, i’ve liked him for so long and I get so scared that he’ll leave me. I am so down bad for this man. HE got drunk a few night ago and texted me that he loved me. I want him. I need him. I think he feels that same desperation. he lives in another city. I think I am going to run away to him the second I physically can. I want his last name, I want a house and a happy life with him. I am unsure if he is my person, because i have misidentified my person so many times. but how funny would it be for my ex boyfriend to have let me go only for me to meet my soulmate three months later. HAHAHAHA!! (as though I am a cartoon villain) AHAH AHAAAHA HA! If i were him that would absolutely fucking destroy me.

My anxiety was not bad today! intense in the morning and then dissipated with reduced screen time and some water. I am incredibly cranky right now. I think I wanna drive to my mom’s house for dinner. Unsure though. I think tomorrow I will go see my dad and do the griddy on his grave (once again with the villainous laughter) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA!!

I keep getting sever deja vu. like once a day I get it? I don’t know why or if i am being warned by the forces that be. I don’t fucking know. it scares the living situation out of me when it happens though.

This entry is much less structured than the usual entries so forgive me.

[ickthehobbit]

february

my anxiety has been crippling. I have been seeing this guy, he’s pretty alright. Classes are fine, I am not. I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me mentally so that I can fix it, but I am still trying to figure out what’s wrong. I think about ending it a lot these days, but not in the traditional sense. I want to run away. I wasn’t to escape my life and begin completely new. I want to deactivate all my social media accounts and I want to move to nebraska, or colorado, or somewhere east. I want to go home, to that shithole town in ohio. I want to kill my father (he is already dead so that’s already been taken care of haha) I want something. I want change. I have been bad at keeping my commitment to shutting the fuck up. I need to work on that. I need to retreat. I need to sit in a church parking lot and smoke a bowl in my car. I want to go home. I want to run around in a field barefoot. I want to escape. I want to go home. I want to die.

I’ve been thinking about the story told in Ethel Cain’s 2022 album, Preacher’s Daughter. I also want to go on a roadtrip to california with a stranger and get canibalized. I lived in a mountain town for a few years after escaping ohio, I want to go back there. I want to gather up my past and reexamine it. I want to time travel and relieve my life and change it. It’s too late for me now. I don’t know what to do with myself. this has been eating away at me. I want to move to a town out west and squat in an abandoned church. I don’t know what will make me feel better.

Every time that guy leaves me on read or delivered i get scared that he’s ghosting me. I get so fucking scared that he just wants to use me for my body. Is it really so bad if that’s all that he wants? once i can recognize it for that I can very easily just leave. it’s not hard. I just hate this phase of my life so much. I thought I was healing. I wish i was.

I suppose there is nothing that will make me feel better.

[ickthehobbit]

january

i realized today that i overshare way too much. I need to stop that. partly this is why i have this blog that i am running. I feel this need to share but that is far overshadowed by my newly found fear of betrayal. you, as the reader, don’t know me or my friends. so this is where i tell my story. so i don’t go insane from bottling up.

i don’t watch anything but markiplier’s playthrough of the last of us. i need to delete tiktok. i want to go home. i never wanna speak again. yuck. i need to find inner peace. i have been smoking a lot of weed. i started smoking weed this month. i have been high for the last four or five days straight. i have not told this to anyone.

i wish this entry was juicier in content. but unfortunately i am boring in this era. i started listening to lots of ethel cain. i grew up in rural ohio, ethel cain’s music speaks to me. makes me yearn for my past. a past where my father beat me with spoons and i spent my days outside and bearfoot. through my teens i had an awful struggle with s/h and my anxiety has been so bad that i have been closer to relapse than i have been in years. i want to shred myself. but i don’t because how will i explain that to the dudes i send nudes to.

i have recently begged god for a change in self. i want to cut my hair, dye it blonde, and move states. I want to be anyone else.lots of death cards and tower cards in my tarot readings. destruction and rebuild of self.

goals for the oncoming week: homework, laundry, sit in a church parking lot and cry.

[ickthehobbit]

january

i have been beyond lonely these past few weeks. screen time on my phone is 8+ hours daily. i miss being in love. i am so touch starved. i have been touch starved. this is a form of hell i fear. anyway, when i am not in classes i am home. i rarely see my friends, i hate going out by myself, i have no job, what do i do all day? i lay in my bed at rot away. when i am not on my phone i am rotting in my bed reading, my current read is the lord of the rings trilogy. but i just miss being around people. i miss my friends.

the past

silent hill i think is the origin of this quote, however i am unsure “still alive but with wounds that wont heal”

this is how i relate to my childhood. my father passed away in spring of last year. i miss him.

lore

i have been spiraling for the last two and a half months. bad. with no help. asking for help is horrifying to me. i bottle all of it up. i shove all of it so far down. and it keeps coming up. like vomit rising in my throat.

[ickthehobbit]

hello: this is about me

my name is ick, i am a 21 year old college girl living in the usa.

i like black metal and the forest.

i have struggled with suicidal ideation for the majority of my life.

i consider myself a poet.

my favorite color is green.

this blog is meant to be an external diary, an outward expression of of my life so i will remain anonymous.

one would consider this a cry for help.

if you are sad, lonely, and like tana mongeau then i am the blog for you.