icantstandher

[icantstandher]

I can’t help to wonder how different things will be when the future plays its inevitable role. It’s difficult not to think of how much it will affect our communication. I know we can get through it and figure it out adapting to life. What worries me is that it could mean that we are catching up to each other’s conversations most of the time. It wont be a presence that we are both in the same room together. It’s a bummer but also a reality that we would be in two different worlds.

In a couple of months you’ll be dropping back into California. While I am so happy, so grateful and will cherish all the time you spend here (still giving me butterflies thinking about that) - I know that it’s time ticking and each day that passes puts you a couple of miles away from me. Depending where fortune favors to place you, it sounds like the possibility of you being over 5000 miles away is probable. With that uncertainty it’s easy to wonder what that will be like or how to play out those situations.

If it’s 7am here, then I would be wishing you a good evening in Europe, or a goodnight in the Asia-pacific. Where ever you end up staying the uncertainty is crappy. I don’t expect you to keep me up to date as I am a sucker for your time and will take what I get when I get it.

We have such a better understanding of each others feelings and desires and I can’t help to wonder how that will play out.Will we become short lived lovers? Taking advantage of our time together. Would we take a secret oath sharing adventures together. Would we train to become distant? I hope it’s not the latter.

Regardless of the outcome, you have my unconditional love. If I ever get a message saying you’re in California again, I would be happy and the outcome is somewhat predicable, I’d find a way to see you again. You’re worth the miles. I can’t stand you.

[icantstandher]

Hey! It’s been a good while since I posted here or really anywhere. I hope you’re doing well and don’t fall under the impression that I got bored or stopped thinking about you. Something in me feels like that’s a thought too easy to be consumed by, perception is reality and just knowing what’s going on would alleviate that thought.

The last week(ish?) has been unfortunate getting sick and taking care of a sick one while avoiding missing work. It started with a cough and turned into hell. Now I totally feel I’m coming down from the peak and getting better but coughing non stop and back and forth doctor visits have been terrible. I’m done getting poked with needles for a while. Funny enough I’m at the doctors right now waiting for medicine and they are letting me know I may get on a cpap machine (again) but this should close out my visits to the hospitals and allow me to focus on the little one getting better then have my hands and brain free from stressors. That’s what’s been consuming my days lately and I hope that’s understandable.

I know this was also during a time where you needed support and I wish I could be there for you instead of wondering. I’m doing feeling like I just come and go when I please. I know you mentioned youre okay but also know there’s more to it than that and some days have highs and lows. I really do hope you are as okay as you say and can enjoy the little wins of life that are given to you in the present. Whether it’s your favorite candy at the bottom of your purse, a perfect hair day, the perfect fitting sweats, or just an overall good day.

Seeing the snow all over the east coast had me super jealous and I wish I could experience that one day. I want to be trapped in a cabin having a snow day and going out only to come back in with icicles as ears.

I miss talking to you and seeing a random chat come up then gone by the next day. I cherish the posts that are for us without directly indicating that. I long for your company. A little part of me, while continuing to try to live life without you here misses you a lot. I can’t stand you.

[icantstandher]

Today I’m going biking and just trying to enjoy the day and see how that treats me. My neighbor is such a sweetheart with their kids. The little ones say hi to me and try to share their toys and the parents offered me take out that they haven’t even started eating so that was nice.

Seeing if I can get lost in music. The weather today here feels like summer and I have the feeling of the salt air of August on me.

[icantstandher]

Where's WaLdo?

I love playing this game together checking every pixel to see if I find a little hello.

[icantstandher]

Hiiii!

The little one has had another wave of sickness which saddens me since I wish I could take it away from him. Got hit with pneumonia twice and it hasn’t been easy on him but little guy pushing through and still just wants to dance. I’m getting better at dancing cause of him and we’re still having cool moments, that hasn’t stopped him from being him!

I ended up coloring my hair as my mid life crisis. In all seriousness I wanted to dye it but never knew what color to do. I went with red like a cherry cola.

I’ve been meaning to answer a question you’ve asked me for a while. My oh fuck moment. If I had to throw my bets all in at one location then I would have said that the place I believed it would happen would be at 555. I think what made that place so significant in my head because we passed by it a countless number of times we would pass by it, being a landmark. If I could safekeep my feelings somewhere I think I would choose that stop to unload them all.

The moment I knew I had my work cut out for me was when we went upstairs at the mall and talked. We talked and talked and talked without stopping. 2 Lovers who were reconnected back at a place that is completely different than when they would walk around in. Sort of how their relationship would in turn also be so different at that mall. We mentioned our current lives, our future, and part of our desires. All in the top floor of a mall where there was no attractions, entertainment, or humans around us. We had empty seats and ourselves to keep us company and took advantage of that. Talking for hours. The subtle gestures we made where we would indirectly touch, where you would stretch your legs towards me or tap my knee with your foot. All that I took note of making it even more difficult to just pass it off as accidents. Over analyzing how much you would look at me and when you’d turn away. Then when I saw the light on the seats shining on you, I was definitely losing it. Fuck she’s so pretty and this glow isn’t helping me. I want to grab her face and kiss her. Can she tell? Can she see that I’m not nervous to do it? I really wanted it. I was dying for it all while trying to casually play it off. That’s when I realized that there was no stress into figuring out what we would do together since the conversation always picks up. We actually made the best off every moment we had including an empty mall at the top floor. Oh fuck, she’s got my heart and a kiss being sent her way.

The mark of a good trip is that it ends before you want it to - And with every moment we spent together,I always had a feeling that if I could push another 5 more minutes I would be satisfied. In my head I know that was a lie.

[icantstandher]

I have no reason to be mad or upset at you. I truly don’t and I would be all of us a disservice by feeling any negative emotions towards you when you’ve been nothing but sweet to me. Reality is a tough spectrum to jump back into and I totally understand the conflicting situation that comes with this. I don’t think you should by any means feel ashamed for posting anything and everything that you’d like. If it makes it easier I will bring light and like those posts too I just didn’t because I didn’t want you to think I’m poking it or I can remove myself but honestly I prefer the former.

Part of jumping back is that it’s a two way street. That habit of expressing your love was always normal for you and that will stay and I have to be okay with that. Who’s to say I have a choice in the matter? I don’t want you to think I’m mad at you or upset in any way or need you to diminish or hide it from me. I don’t know if I should apologize or not because my actions are what caused it(?) but I don’t in any way feel like anyone is in the wrong for just living their life. - If it helps your point of view, I had a tough time meshing a part of my life and was so difficult to just embrace it. There is essence of another individual, a cute little tiny one walking around that has their presence known in my house through their toys or stickers they place around. That was something that I didn’t share or avoided a lot because its my crutch. My weakness, and my passion cut off from anyone else. That little jelly bean shows how difficult it is to accept me when there’s more than just accepting myself - And somehow with your time here, I felt content opening up little by little. When you asked about him I was happy in a very confused way. I still don’t like sharing about him because it’s so real and shows a big barrier of why I would have a lot of trouble moving forward with anyone but it was nice to have some sort of acceptance and genuine curiosity over it.

Which bring me to my next topic, baby fever. Of course I got so happy over the mere idea crossing your mind. Of course it sparked me in such an unimaginable way, I don’t think it was all me who inflicted you to have that sporadic moment of fever but I was glad to be shared with the thought of it happening to you. You saw my face glow and my eyes locked in disbelief from what I heard come out of you. I wonder with that fever thought, if I came across your mind or if it was an exclusive personal thought.

If you’re at all curious, I’m a goofy person. As clumsy and geeky as they come, and those traits follow me to fatherhood. Few things I’m confident and I don’t want to stroke an ego either. I know your heart would melt if you had a chance to see that level of care from me.

Today was the first official day of work with some things ramping back up. It’s kept me very busy with running orders and being a care taker all at once. Life is busy but doesn’t leave me having my feelings fly away in the wind. I still wonder a lot about you and hope you’re not taking it too hard on yourself. I will see you on the other side of where tomorrow meets today. Sending you a tally mark where it’s not based on routine but more on what I feel. I hope you sleep well.

I can’t stand you.

[icantstandher]

[icantstandher]

[icantstandher]

Peanut Brain Rattles and this is why

Hi Dear -

12/31 It’s been a a bit more than a handful of days without you and the bitter feeling of you leaving hasn’t stopped me from thinking how tragic it is in my own perfect world. Outside I’m able to shine with the positive that you have filled me and hope of being able to love, when I’m alone at home sitting in the quiet I can only let out a deep sigh with a wish and a slow “I miss her a lot”. I seen your instagram stories and it’s nice to get a subtle hi from you through there peering to your life so I know you’re doing okay and just overall living. I really appreciate that. I’ve been trying to asses where I belong in your life. When you are here, what parts still ring with a sense of you. How much of the stuff you gave me still feels like yours but just in my possession. I read the note over and over and it suckers me into seeing the cuteness that you turned this into. I was imagining you crossing out the letters and just trying to imagine your demeanor doing it or when you came up with the idea. I miss you Caro. Have a good new years!

1/2 I had a strand of your hair on my sweater vest and I’m dumb because I was considering picking it out and placing it somewhere it won’t get lost. Ahh man I’m obsessed. I don’t want to feel like you’re gone from here. I very much liked your company in my home and feel like if I toss it I’ll have a little more of you leave.I went to walk to luckys by my house which passes Bart. The noise of the Bart arriving at the station would fill me with excitement and happiness. Now I see that it’s become a little less exciting each time but reminding of the cute travels came out of it. Something about saying goodbye at a station is so romantic to me. I think it’s because it’s using whatever needs we needed to so we could see each other. And something about “meet me at the station” is such a movie quote. I had a craving for that spicy cashew today and I laugh at the fact that you still teach me about new places. It was so different. I swear I liked it. Different is nice.

1/3 I was thinking about how different the dynamic was the very first day you came over vs the last time. The first time you dropped by just the idea that you were in my home was crazy to think about. Here we are reconnecting years later however in the silence, we were comfortable, in the mess of it all we were still ourselves. I remember you asked me if I wanted help to setup the TV and I was thinking she's so sweet it's close to 11pm and she wants to build the TV stand. All I wanted was to relish the time you were there with me for, and so we did. We did until we knew it was time to go. I wont forget how misty the air looked on my way home and the completely empty freeway. I was absolutely drained but the spirit of what just happened kept me completely awake. You are so sweet for still trying to make sure I take care of myself. I'm at the point where I am realizing how much you could wave a wand and have me at your doorstep. Be it right after work, in the night, 3am - I'd kill to have another 5 minutes. The drive is damn worth it.

1/4 You can tell me how tainted you feel or how much you think I should feel the need I went your admiration but I’ll just go about my day loving you just the same. Tainted flaws and all I don’t care - I keep finding perfection in who you are, who I was able to spend the time with in December. That girl is Caro and I want her, all of her how she is now. I don't question why you mean so much to me and I want to continue having these feelings for you without pushing them to the side. I miss you a lot and I miss talking to you everyday joking and bantering about our lives. I miss your cold hands and your stinky hair. I miss your crusty attitude and your selfishness of stealing my fries, and my lips. I miss how you stole my breath with our kiss. Fuck how I miss your besos. I miss how you made me go insane when I couldn't hug you for 5 minutes straight. I miss walking the streets of SF mindlessly. I miss staring at your face knowing damn well you are aware i'm doing it. I miss it all. I miss our keen sense of having our own communication, with our own stupid little insiders. I still can't stand you and I will never stand you but contradictory to that, I miss you. L L L