icantstandher

[icantstandher]

I have no reason to be mad or upset at you. I truly don’t and I would be all of us a disservice by feeling any negative emotions towards you when you’ve been nothing but sweet to me. Reality is a tough spectrum to jump back into and I totally understand the conflicting situation that comes with this. I don’t think you should by any means feel ashamed for posting anything and everything that you’d like. If it makes it easier I will bring light and like those posts too I just didn’t because I didn’t want you to think I’m poking it or I can remove myself but honestly I prefer the former.

Part of jumping back is that it’s a two way street. That habit of expressing your love was always normal for you and that will stay and I have to be okay with that. Who’s to say I have a choice in the matter? I don’t want you to think I’m mad at you or upset in any way or need you to diminish or hide it from me. I don’t know if I should apologize or not because my actions are what caused it(?) but I don’t in any way feel like anyone is in the wrong for just living their life. - If it helps your point of view, I had a tough time meshing a part of my life and was so difficult to just embrace it. There is essence of another individual, a cute little tiny one walking around that has their presence known in my house through their toys or stickers they place around. That was something that I didn’t share or avoided a lot because its my crutch. My weakness, and my passion cut off from anyone else. That little jelly bean shows how difficult it is to accept me when there’s more than just accepting myself - And somehow with your time here, I felt content opening up little by little. When you asked about him I was happy in a very confused way. I still don’t like sharing about him because it’s so real and shows a big barrier of why I would have a lot of trouble moving forward with anyone but it was nice to have some sort of acceptance and genuine curiosity over it.

Which bring me to my next topic, baby fever. Of course I got so happy over the mere idea crossing your mind. Of course it sparked me in such an unimaginable way, I don’t think it was all me who inflicted you to have that sporadic moment of fever but I was glad to be shared with the thought of it happening to you. You saw my face glow and my eyes locked in disbelief from what I heard come out of you. I wonder with that fever thought, if I came across your mind or if it was an exclusive personal thought.

If you’re at all curious, I’m a goofy person. As clumsy and geeky as they come, and those traits follow me to fatherhood. Few things I’m confident and I don’t want to stroke an ego either. I know your heart would melt if you had a chance to see that level of care from me.

Today was the first official day of work with some things ramping back up. It’s kept me very busy with running orders and being a care taker all at once. Life is busy but doesn’t leave me having my feelings fly away in the wind. I still wonder a lot about you and hope you’re not taking it too hard on yourself. I will see you on the other side of where tomorrow meets today. Sending you a tally mark where it’s not based on routine but more on what I feel. I hope you sleep well.

I can’t stand you.

[icantstandher]

[icantstandher]

[icantstandher]

Peanut Brain Rattles and this is why

Hi Dear -

12/31 It’s been a a bit more than a handful of days without you and the bitter feeling of you leaving hasn’t stopped me from thinking how tragic it is in my own perfect world. Outside I’m able to shine with the positive that you have filled me and hope of being able to love, when I’m alone at home sitting in the quiet I can only let out a deep sigh with a wish and a slow “I miss her a lot”. I seen your instagram stories and it’s nice to get a subtle hi from you through there peering to your life so I know you’re doing okay and just overall living. I really appreciate that. I’ve been trying to asses where I belong in your life. When you are here, what parts still ring with a sense of you. How much of the stuff you gave me still feels like yours but just in my possession. I read the note over and over and it suckers me into seeing the cuteness that you turned this into. I was imagining you crossing out the letters and just trying to imagine your demeanor doing it or when you came up with the idea. I miss you Caro. Have a good new years!

1/2 I had a strand of your hair on my sweater vest and I’m dumb because I was considering picking it out and placing it somewhere it won’t get lost. Ahh man I’m obsessed. I don’t want to feel like you’re gone from here. I very much liked your company in my home and feel like if I toss it I’ll have a little more of you leave.I went to walk to luckys by my house which passes Bart. The noise of the Bart arriving at the station would fill me with excitement and happiness. Now I see that it’s become a little less exciting each time but reminding of the cute travels came out of it. Something about saying goodbye at a station is so romantic to me. I think it’s because it’s using whatever needs we needed to so we could see each other. And something about “meet me at the station” is such a movie quote. I had a craving for that spicy cashew today and I laugh at the fact that you still teach me about new places. It was so different. I swear I liked it. Different is nice.

1/3 I was thinking about how different the dynamic was the very first day you came over vs the last time. The first time you dropped by just the idea that you were in my home was crazy to think about. Here we are reconnecting years later however in the silence, we were comfortable, in the mess of it all we were still ourselves. I remember you asked me if I wanted help to setup the TV and I was thinking she's so sweet it's close to 11pm and she wants to build the TV stand. All I wanted was to relish the time you were there with me for, and so we did. We did until we knew it was time to go. I wont forget how misty the air looked on my way home and the completely empty freeway. I was absolutely drained but the spirit of what just happened kept me completely awake. You are so sweet for still trying to make sure I take care of myself. I'm at the point where I am realizing how much you could wave a wand and have me at your doorstep. Be it right after work, in the night, 3am - I'd kill to have another 5 minutes. The drive is damn worth it.

1/4 You can tell me how tainted you feel or how much you think I should feel the need I went your admiration but I’ll just go about my day loving you just the same. Tainted flaws and all I don’t care - I keep finding perfection in who you are, who I was able to spend the time with in December. That girl is Caro and I want her, all of her how she is now. I don't question why you mean so much to me and I want to continue having these feelings for you without pushing them to the side. I miss you a lot and I miss talking to you everyday joking and bantering about our lives. I miss your cold hands and your stinky hair. I miss your crusty attitude and your selfishness of stealing my fries, and my lips. I miss how you stole my breath with our kiss. Fuck how I miss your besos. I miss how you made me go insane when I couldn't hug you for 5 minutes straight. I miss walking the streets of SF mindlessly. I miss staring at your face knowing damn well you are aware i'm doing it. I miss it all. I miss our keen sense of having our own communication, with our own stupid little insiders. I still can't stand you and I will never stand you but contradictory to that, I miss you. L L L