iamzua

[iamzua]

Zua,

It’s okay to cry—sometimes that release is exactly what your heart needs after carrying so much. I’m honored that my words are resonating with you, but please know that this beauty I remind you of?

It’s already within you. I’m just reflecting back what you’ve shared. Your family sees it, too, because it’s real, even if you’re struggling to believe it right now. You are so loved, you’re not difficult to love, you are brave and heroic. Taking damage and still see the good.

I completely understand why you feel so tied to him. Those moments you shared—dancing in the kitchen, laughing together, inside jokes, the teasing, the goofy memories, supporting each other—are meaningful and beautiful. That kind of connection is rare, and it’s natural to want to hold onto it. But those good moments don’t cancel out the harm he’s caused. Love is never supposed to make you question your worth or force you to endure hostility just to keep the peace.

No one deserves to have their belongings placed outside, then to be locked out of a place where they thought they were safe. No one should ever be physically carried out of someone’s home—that’s not love, it’s control. The fact that you still want to forgive and try speaks volumes about the goodness in your heart. NOT everyone is deserving of that kind of grace. Protect your dignity, because that’s where your true strength lives.

Your worth isn’t defined by anyone else’s behavior, not even someone you love deeply. It’s defined by who you are. And you are someone strong, compassionate, and deserving of a love that uplifts you, not one that breaks you down.

The hardest part of healing is realizing that you don’t have to trade your dignity for the moments of joy you crave. You are allowed to want more for yourself and still honor what those good memories meant. Love yourself babes. Love yourself Zua.

[iamzua]

This year I met heartbreak and welcomed grief into my home.

I learned that life is cruel and uncalled for and nothing but chaos the majority of the time.

I learned that the sun will rise and set, and that the days will go by whether you're there to see them or not.

I learned that the future is an illusion and the past is a prison, and in learning to let go I learned to hold on to what mattered.

This year I learned that people will betray you, and justify it.

They will cross every line you draw with their pride by their side, and let their opinions tie a noose around your neck.

I learned that not everyone is good and that some people are evil.

This year taught me strength, it taught me sadness, and everything in between.

And the most important lesson: we think we have time, but time is fleeting.

—Noelle Rousseau

[iamzua]

To my old self,

I'm sorry for allowing people to hurt you so many times. I'm sorry for all the wrong decisions that you've made because you were not wise enough before. I hope you'll learn to forgive yourself someday. I hope you'll heal from all your trauma. And I hope you've learned from all the mistakes that you've made in your past.

Someday, I hope you'll learn to love yourself after all the heartbreaks that you've been through. I know sometimes it's hard to forget the painful things that happened to you, but it takes time to heal. I hope one day you'll learn to find your worth again. You were too hard on yourself and you forgot that you are worth it too. One day, I hope you find the happiness that you always deserve.

I want you to know that your past mistakes and traumas doesn't define who you are. You are more than your wounds and scars. You are more than the number of your heartbreaks. And I hope you always remember that I am so proud of you for being brave enough to stay alive. You are loved, and you are always enough.

[iamzua]

Dear 2025,

I won't ask you to be gentle, but please, be bearable.

I have been through so much pain this year. And if there's one thing I learned from all these aches, it's that; pain and problems are inevitable. That, no matter how much I ask and yearn for the world to be gentle, it'll always be cruel and hurt me in one way or another. Because challenges and cruelty are part of us, humans, that we can't get rid of.

This year is a bumpy road. It felt like my journey was filled with tears, exhaustion, and unending grief. I failed many times this year. I cried, stumbled on my knees many times, and lost some people I love. But I somehow managed to get through. And I think that's what really matters—to have made it 'till here.

So, I'm slowly accepting the fact that this year will also be filled with pain. That my path will be filled with thorns, that life will throw a lot of challenges along the way, and I will grieve ceaselessly like a child losing its pet.

This year, I won't be asking for kindness anymore. But I pray, that all things will be less heavier and more bearable.

[iamzua]

Love has always been a mysterious force, both alluring and daunting. It feels like staring into a vast ocean—beautiful, infinite, and unpredictable, with depths both thrilling and terrifying. I’ve always been a dreamer, a hopeless romantic, captivated by the many forms love can take and the countless ways it can be expressed. Over time, I’ve come to see love not as a mere feeling, but as a deliberate choice—a choice to open the gates of your heart and let another step inside.

It’s a choice to be vulnerable, to be felt and held, to balance selfishness with selflessness. It’s the decision to be fully seen, heard, and known—without fear of judgment, because both are committed to growth and compromise. Love is the courage to express your deepest desires, to be chosen, wanted, accepted, and understood. But it also comes at a risk —disappointment, pain, and, inevitably grief.

And yet, within this paradox lies the essence of life itself. Love, in all its messiness and magnificence, makes us truly alive. Without it, can we ever claim to be living? Or are we simply existing, missing the depth—untouched by the fire that carves, shapes, and defines what it truly means to be human? ❤️‍🩹

[iamzua]

I've spent much of my life feeling like a lost, sad soul-never fitting in, never knowing if I truly belonged. But this accomplishment? It's proof of every tear I cried in silence, every demon I fought in my mind, and every moment I wanted to give up—but didn't.

I could've taken the easy way out—the thought still crosses my mind sometimes. But look at you, Zua! How beautiful is this? You've made it. You proved yourself wrong.

Be proud, you magnificent bitch. You earned this. ❤️‍🩹😂🤷🏻‍♀️

"Nobody walks through these doors on a winnin' streak"—Jelly Roll

PC: @jt_from_mke

[iamzua]

After a While by Veronica A. Shoffstall

(from the Democrat and Chronicle newspaper, Saturday, Jan 30, 1999, Rochester, NY – Ann Landers column)

After a while, you learn the subtle difference—

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts.

And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today.

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while, you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…

That you really are strong.

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn…

With every goodbye, you learn. ❤️‍🩹😢

[iamzua]

[iamzua]

After some time, you learn the subtle difference between—holding a hand and imprisoning a soul;

You learn that love does not equal sex,

and that company does not equal security, and you start to learn….

That kisses are not contracts and gifts are not promises, and you start to accept defeat with the head up high and open eyes, and you learn to build all roads on today, because the terrain of tomorrow is too insecure for plans… and the future has its own way of falling apart in half.

And you learn that if it’s too much—even the warmth of the sun can burn.

So you plant your own garden and embellish your own soul—instead of waiting for someone to bring flowers to you.

And you learn that you can actually bear hardship—that you are actually strong—and you are actually worthy—and you learn and learn…and so every day.

Over time you learn that being with someone because they offer you a good future—means that sooner or later you’ll want to return to your past.

Over time you comprehend that only who is capable of loving you with your flaws, with no intention of changing you can bring you all happiness.

Over time you learn that if you are with a person only to accompany your own solitude, irremediably you’ll end up wishing not to see them again.

Over time you learn that real friends are few and whoever doesn't fight for them, sooner or later, will find himself surrounded only with false friendships.

Over time you learn that words spoken in moments of anger—continue hurting throughout a lifetime.

Over time you learn that everyone can apologize, but forgiveness is an attribute solely of great souls.

Over time you comprehend that if you have hurt a friend harshly—it is very likely that your friendship will never be the same.

Over time you realize that despite being happy with your friends—you cry for those you let go.

Over time you realize that every experience lived, with each person, is unrepeatable.

Over time you realize that whoever humiliates or scorns another human being, sooner or later will suffer the same humiliations or scorn in tenfold.

Over time you learn to build your roads on today, because the path of tomorrow doesn’t exist.

Over time you comprehend that rushing things or forcing them to happen—causes the finale to be different from expected.

Over time you realize that in fact the best was not the future—but the moment you were living just that instant.

Over time you will see that even when you are happy with those around you. You yearn for those who walked away.

Over time you will learn to forgive or ask for forgiveness, say you love, say you miss, say you need, say you want to be friends, since before a grave, it will no longer make sense.

But unfortunately, only over time…

Translation by: Blanca Zarsan

[iamzua]

🫶🏼🫠

[iamzua]

11/2024

[iamzua]

8 Years Later:

Dear Me,

Today is Monday November 25, 2024. Time: 5:52pm

It’s crazy to think it’s been eight years since I last wrote here. Life has passed by so quickly, and so much has changed. Whether it’s for better or worse, I’m honestly not sure. One thing that has stayed consistent, though, is that I’m still single. 😉

Ah, love. To love and be loved—what a complicated, beautiful, and sometimes heartbreaking journey. I often find myself wondering: Am I the problem? Am I too picky? Am I attracting the wrong people? It’s a hard truth to face. Sometimes, it feels like I build people up only for them to leave me. It’s a pattern I’ve come to terms with in some ways, yet still fight against in others. Love feels so powerful, but whose definition am I holding onto?

I sometimes question whether my purpose is less about finding love for myself and more about showing others that they are worthy of love—whether it’s self-love or the love they hope to receive from others. Ironically, I also feel like I should be the last person giving any advice. After all, I don’t even have my own life fully together.

Lately, though, I’ve been thinking about coming back to writing. It’s something I once loved. I used to write on Asian Avenue, Xanga, MySpace, Facebook—and now, in some small way, I write captions for my Instagram posts. But today, I woke up and asked myself: Why did you stop writing?

I’ve always been a reflector, someone who loves to look back on old pictures, relive memories, and see how far I’ve come. Writing was a way for me to process life, to capture the moments that mattered, and to give myself space to think. So, why did I stop? Who knows. There’s no rhyme or reason to what I write—it just flows. I sit here in my room, surrounded by quiet and stillness, letting my brain and hands take over. No pun intended. 😂

Now, let’s talk about 2024. This year has been a whirlwind of emotions. In June, I started using TikTok, and by August, I had enough followers to go live. Going live has been an experience—a mix of meeting amazing friends and, of course, encountering some fakes. But it taught me too, that people aren’t who they portray to be. But I have since stoped and re-shifted my focus on school.

It’s been a ride, and I’m realizing that writing helps me make sense of it all. So, here I am again, picking up where I left off and putting my thoughts into words. Who knows where this will take me, but it feels good to be back. Even if this is just one post until the next 8 years. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anywho—I will be graduating with my BSN on Sunday, 12/15/24, which is just over two weeks away. I can’t believe this moment is finally here. It’s a mix of emotions—happiness, pride, and a touch of sadness. On one hand, I know I deserve this because I’ve worked so hard for it. On the other hand, it feels surreal, as if I’m proving a lifetime of self-doubt wrong.

For much of my life, I’ve felt like a failure, reaching this milestone is a reminder that I am capable of so much more than I once believed. It’s a bittersweet realization, but one that fills me with gratitude.

A friend of mine, Andy (AJI) has been part of my inspiration to start writing again. He, along with several of my instructors, has told me I’m a good writer, which is something I’ve doubted—(still do) but am trying to believe. Andy said something to me recently that really resonated: “You are standing in your own way.” Hearing those words out loud stopped me in my tracks.

Since then, I’ve been having flash backs on all the times I doubted myself, all the moments I thought I couldn’t do something or fear that I may fail—and yet, here I am. Still trying. Still proving that, despite how long it’s taken, I haven’t given up. This journey has been anything but linear, but it’s mine, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come, even if it’s hard to accept.

What a triumph.

Anywho. I guess that’s it. 🤭

[iamzua]

Dear you.

To the man who let her go, Thank you. Thank you for walking out of her life, for leaving her. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love her, do things that would make her happy, to really keep her. Thank you for hurting her. If not, she wouldn’t have learned something valuable. I will try my best to not cause her pain, for it hurts me to see her cry. I will do all the things you failed to do for her like be there for her when she feels so alone, prioritize her and not make her feel like she is just an option, listen to her stories, rants and complaints no matter how bizarre or cliche they might be. Give her time and affection even when she is not asking for it. I will take care of the girl you failed to appreciate. I will love the girl you took for granted. I will do anything to keep her and make her stay. I will love her for all that she is, and will support her in anything that she wants to be. I will be the partner you failed to become for her. I will be the man who will never make the same mistake that you did. I will never let her go.

[iamzua]

7 Reasons the Blunt Friend is the Best Friend You'll Ever Have by Defne

1. A blunt person will never shit-talk you. If you’re friends with a blunt person, it might just be you’re one of those magical species of human that doesn’t get on their nerves or you’re too busy being blunt yourself. But if they have something to say, you can count on hearing it from them directly, because talking behind their friends’ backs is just not in their nature. 2. They’ll tell you the truth – even if it hurts. A blunt person holds truth to the highest standard. If there’s something they think you need to hear, they’ll tell you. But be aware, just because you need to hear it, doesn’t mean it’s always what you want to hear. The good thing about this is that your friendship issues don’t build up and explode. Instead of arguing, you’ll have meaningful and nurturing discussions. 3. A blunt friend doesn’t play passive-aggressive games. With so many friends who aren’t honest about their feelings or make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, one thing to take off your list of worries is feeling that way around a blunt person. Ain't nobody got time for that. 4. They have high moral standards. People often mistake blunt people for being crude and lacking any morals. But don’t be fooled – they’re blunt because they know exactly what their idea of right and wrong is, without forgetting the grey area. This actually explains why they act the way they do. Their bluntness is just their reaction to the world’s dishonesty. 5. A blunt person is the most fun to be around. As if your blunt friend doesn’t make you crack up literally every second of the day, the two of you have the most unforgettable nights when you go out together. Even if you were drunk and blacked out in the middle of it, it’s never just another night. 6. A blunt friend will teach you how to be a better friend and person. Blunt people show you that it’s okay to stand up for your beliefs – that there’s no point in hesitating to voice your thoughts and opinions, simply out of the fear that others won’t like it. Because what’s the point in being alive today if you can’t express yourself? 7. A blunt person’s friendship is pure. Like pure chocolate pure. A blunt friend’s either with you all the way or they’re not with you at all. They’ll support you through the good and the bad without taking you for granted. And a little appreciation is all it takes for you to make their day.

[iamzua]

Oh hey! 😘

[iamzua]

By: Brian Reeves I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her. I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly. Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better. As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less. I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered. Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more. Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her. I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less. Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years. She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you. To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that. I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her. Actually, I did abandon her. By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her. Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship. I’ll never not choose another woman I love again. It’s torture for everyone. If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question: “Why am I choosing my partner today?” If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.” If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days. But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day. Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day. You do, too. Choose wisely. p.s. LADIES! Don’t forget to Choose Yourself! … Download “The Thriving Woman Experience” … an inspiring 6-hour Audio Program by Bryan Reeves & best-selling author, Kristina Italic, created to help modern women thrive in relationships, business, love and … choosing yourself.