iamwolvie

[iamwolvie]

June 19th, 2021

today was not a good day. my depression is slowly coming back and i felt the full force of it today. the cliche of all the crying, sadness and barely able to do much of anything. it bothers me so much that this keeps happening again and again. i know everything can't be great forever but i just hate coming back to the same place repeatedly. its like I'm sad and then angry that I'm sad. and i just want to get away. be in a new place but I'm scared to really go anywhere so i feel so stuck. i know someday i will feel comfortable being around people again but when? how long from now? its like i can see the light at the end of the tunnel but the light is still eons away and that distance therefore seems insurmountable. whenever i feel like this i try to tell myself that i just need to get through this day. tomorrow will be more hopeful.

[iamwolvie]

June 16, 2021

the other day i went to mcdonalds to get some food and that was the 2nd time i went into some place “indoors” for practically a year. went into a post office not to long ago and my anxiety wasn't as high as i thought it would be. nyc covid numbers have been really good and I'm almost afraid to feel hopeful about our progress. I'm definitely still traumatized. i constantly think about my young friend who died from covid. you can't tell me the danger isn't real when this man is gone. i think about how he died early in the pandemic. how we didn't know much. how because of that... he’s dead. if it was today then maybe he would’ve survived. i try not to dwell. I'm not very successful. 

my nephew is graduating next week and i have to decide if i will celebrate at a restaurant with them. i want to. i also want to not feel worried about that.

its weird knowing things are better yet not trusting things are truly better. what exactly can i do?

[iamwolvie]

June 7, 2021

it’s been almost a year since the last time i posted something. obviously a lot can happen in that time. let’s see, first my roommate moved out rather unceremoniously. in fact, I'm pretty sure our friendship is completely broken and probably won't get healed for a while. if ever. sometimes i get sad thinking about that so... i won't think about that.

i finally got back into therapy which i feel has been so helpful. though i feel bad for my therapist. she clearly has her work cut out for her with me 😂

my grandmother passed away right before 2020 ended and it felt like the cherry on top of a horrible year. yet i was thankful i was able to visit her before she died. it’s weird because i fully admit i took for granted that she would always be here since she was such a strong woman. disregarding how that doesn't matter at all. she died the day before my mom’s birthday which hurts on a different level since my mom died almost 10 years ago. considering how close my mom and i were, this discussion will be reserved for later because... again this is a lot.

good things though start with a writing group i joined. it feels good to get the creative flow going and have people really enjoying my work. while also getting critiques on how to improve my writing. i’ve also learned how to cook better. also started painting more as well. the TV scene has been good to me lol. drag race and marvel has put out such awesome content for me to enjoy that i was starting think they were catering to me. i had a great run with my podcast but my disdain for editing had caused me to let it go. I'm going to try to move on with another youtube page specifically geared towards reviews. especially since i started a movie review project with a friend. watching plenty of classics and well... i have opinions lol.

oh and it’s pride month! probably the second year i won't go to the parade but i still relish during this time. being an ally to the lgbtq+ community is very important to me. i don't know why but it is. and i don't care why it is important lol.

[iamwolvie]

June 30th

today was pretty productive! i edited most of my podcast and made a trailer for it which was interesting. i made up a quick witty script and i was pretty impressed.

went for a walk today. even took a longer path. was listening to fall out boy and i got really into it. like singing out loud. somewhat danced. lol it was nice.

made a decent dinner tonight which was different. i’ve been eating mostly little scrappy shit but figured i’d actually make a meal.

finally ordered groceries at 4am, so there’s that. lol wow, i don't know how i’ll get a good sleep schedule back but let’s see.

[iamwolvie]

June 26

today was nice. i forgot to change my alarm back to a decent time so i woke up way later than i wanted. i ordered the wrong size curtain rod so that left me a bit upset. i did more laundry. i semi unsure why I'm so obsessed with doing laundry in my home now. apart of it i know is about trying to make a dent in the 2 large laundry bags that take up most of the space in my room. the washer is so small though and that’s why it’s taking so damn long. 

went to throw out the trash and my intention was to just stand on the stoop for a few minutes for some air but of course there was a man already lounging there. i just want my own outside space. i know many people feel this way. especially in nyc. its not like i don't want to go outside. i only feel comfortable (so far) when there’s space. and there just doesn't seem to be much space. i wish i could just manifest a patio outside one of my windows with my mind and just go out there everyday.

instead, I'm going to focus on the good things again.

[iamwolvie]

June 21st

things were ok! I got booze delivered. things were mellow. normally my family would do a zoom update but it wasn't working right. i did some laundry and then i suddenly realized it was father’s day.

i don't have a great relationship with my dad but i decided to text him. i never know if that's a good thing. i also know there’s some mental health issues there. he’s... a lot.

and it hurts that he’s a lot. i obviously wish he was the perfect dad who was supportive and helpful and did all he could to make sure we all flourished. 

he wasn't and it hurts to know he didn't do all he could. he settled. and quite frankly that was enough. then again maybe that was the best he could do. hmmm. I dunno what to make of him right now. i just hope he gains true happiness in this lifetime.

[iamwolvie]

June 20th

today was a good day. i actually went out for a walk with my sister and nephews for the first time since this pandemic lockdown. it felt so good to see them. i felt bad that it was clear the nephews wanted to hug me and be warm/embracing but I'm still too scared of affection. i wonder how that will change. i mean i wanted nothing more than to hug them and i hate that i feel this way. the not being able to even be all i want to be with my family is so heart wrenching. 

however! i don't want to dive down a negative path. it was very refreshing to see them and I'm going to go with that. my sister and i had a good chance to talk. the funny thing is that normally when i go on walks by myself there’s usually some sort of dramatic scene since i live in the ghetto. shady people galore. now that i had my family entourage... nope. things were fine. lol smh.

got a lot of packages today. that's always great but also semi-stresfull since that also includes a sanitizing process. its not a big deal though. I'm really trying to roll with the good parts of today.

saw the movie “knives out”. it was pretty fucking good. shout out to my boy Chris evans. damn that man is fine. anyways! yes. today was good.

[iamwolvie]

June 17th

yes I know I haven't written in a couple days. but honestly nobody is reading this and its all pretty much for my own therapy. things have been good though. anxiety is down and i’ve been able to function. 

the new determination is that i will be able to start a special podcast soon so lets see how it turns out. I have so much to say, I realize that it might upset some people but I'm going to do my best to just simply stick to the truth and be that as it may. 

out of everyone, I think after all the drama I'm the only one who’s by themselves. so whatever story i have to tell, ain't nobody else got to deal with it alone. i really think it’s a process for pure sanity for me. and probably nobody else. hmm, oh well.

[iamwolvie]

June 14th

yes, i know i skipped a day but for once i was literally busy with calls all day. spoke to a friend i havent spoke to in a long time and we spoke for like... 4 hours. not only that, i basically finished a call with my sister after 5am and it was so fucking good. all this was a rare thing but i was happy so whatever.

Sunday though, was a much slower and calmer day. things were fine. i missed early calls and slept in late. i eventually went on a walk on a path i normally don't go down and it had more people than i was used to. one man had a stick and didn't seem very stable so i walked into the street. i really wish i had more alone outside time. in the end i feel i have very little to complain about but that might be the core. i just wish i had some outdoor alone space. i don't have any of that and i know if i did my mental health would be so much better. it also makes me think of other people who are suffering the same obstacles. those who just want to go outside without worrying about other people.

well...

[iamwolvie]

June 12th

things were going ok for the most part. then i got a call from my dad. to put into perspective, i don't know when was the last time i spoke to him. he gave me some bad news in probably the worst kind of way. he also said some things that were so offensive i wanted to scream my head off but there’s no real way to talk to him. he doesn't take in real criticism. he only accepts words he wants to hear. so what exactly can i do?

i went outside for a walk today but my glasses fell off my face and i didn't feel comfortable in putting them back on my face so i walked around out of focus. which, needless to say hasn't happened in... years?

by the time i got back and showered up it was time for rupaul’s drag race all stars. which is basically what I'm waiting for all week. the drag queen scene is really what gets me going. i’ve been a fan for over 10 years and it won't end anytime soon.

my roommate got me a beer and tonight was the first time i drank one in who knows how long. damn. the simple pleasures sometimes are exactly what we need.

[iamwolvie]

June 11th

I got some groceries delivered today. oddly enough i always expect them to come somewhat early in the morning. and i was right! and under normal conditions i would simply go back to sleep afterwards but this time i was like... bitch... be productive. so i finally took out my portable washing machine and actually fucking used it. not. as. easy. as. i. thought. it. would. be! this shit a was damn ordeal that basically took all damn day. all damn day. all. damn. day. however, the joy that i got from getting a decent pile of clean clothes was something i haven't felt in a long time. which... is somewhat funny.

again, my roommate and i talked quite a bit and usually when she leaves to travel to see her boyfriend, i tend to get nervous. mostly because i know that means she has to go on public transportation which isn't something i can even phantom right now. but that’s literally me and my crazy mind. this time though, i felt ok. let’s see what happens when she comes back but for now i really want/need to stay with the good side of what’s going on. especially since how up and down things have been going. 

there was one (technically 3. actually 4) moments that i just had to suck it up and do something that bothered the shit out of me. but i did it. i fucking did it. i don't care how little that may be but it was something victorious. i don't care what anyone else thinks.

still binging izombie, lol. 

oh! just discovered a place that delivers beer! fucking finally! i know some other places have that luxury but i live in the fucking boondocks. you can find some gems and sometimes you can't. beer had fallen victim to that. but no more, bitch! lmao, smh i really shouldn't be so excited about the prospect of beer but during this time... i am. i so... very... am.

[iamwolvie]

June 10th

lol. since things were so crazy last night i went to bed at like?... 7:30? 8am? i don't know the definitive answer to that question because even when i did fall asleep my body jerked awake so it was clear that i wasn't supposed to have a restful night.

the good news was that in my deep night of courage i talked to my roommate for an abnormal amount of time. it was nearly like old times and i was completely honest with how much i’ve been struggling and she shared something i had no clue about. it felt good to talk to her.

the day went on as normal (except for the fact that i discovered the show legendary on hbo max and oddly enough the show izombie on netflix. both have healed my soul on distracting me during this difficult time). Leiomy has been such an inspiration once i found out about her. she fucking slays.

then my water cut out and i feared about all the things i wasn't going to be able to do. wash my face. refill my brita pitcher. just drink water in general. yet once more i became scared. but this time it wasn't as bad and that was because i drank some wine. well... it’s that the thing that makes me feel ok no matter what? then perhaps I'm fucked 😂

[iamwolvie]

June 9th

i went outside today. i threw out the trash and figured i would walk around the block for the hot fresh air. coming back around though... that block is crazy. it’s hard to explain but it’s just a lot.

i took one of my online classes. so finally.

things were fine. then there was a noise coming from the kitchen and that's all it took. anxious. nervous. panicked. I'm so fucking tired of being scared. like i just wish i could fix my mind.

[iamwolvie]

June 8th

today was somewhat ok. i did that thing where you wake up and then do something and then go back to sleep. what’s that called? a nap. o yeah... that. 

my portable washing machine came today and i feel its really weird how excited i am to do laundry at home. but i almost don't care. almost.

had a virtual Buddhist meeting which was nice. played phone tag with my sister and for some reason that made me somewhat nervous. actually I'm not sure if it was that but i definitely started getting nervous. like starting to sweat, heart pumping. so to cure my nerves i started watching bob the drag queen stand up routines. she’s pretty funny and it was nice to just lay back to watch something that makes you laugh.

something happened while i was finally able to talk to my sister, which made me start shaking all over again. i don't want to say exactly what. ugh.

anyways, i really need to do my online classes tomorrow. I'm so fucking behind it would be funny if it wasn't just petty and sad. 

[iamwolvie]

June 7th

for the most part, things were good today. for most of the day not much anxiety. in nyc the curfew finally got fucking lifted and peaceful protests were left to remain peaceful and that eased my heart some.

my roommate and i don't really talk and i don't really know why. we used to be good friends and the fact that we don't talk unless it’s basically about the rent bothers me. i don't even know how this started. my mind has set in on maybe i came home wasted drunk one day and did something. i don't know if that’s true but it really could explain things. 

anyway, things turned toward negative when i tried to get on my family’s weekly zoom meeting and couldn't. for some reason the password didn't work and it’s been a while since i wasn't on the meeting with them. felt a bit sad about that. then i had another incident with a bug. i don't know what the fuck is going on with that but i fucking hate it. i don't know where this phobia of bugs comes from but i admit i have it and to have multiple incidents back to back with them is... concerning. i fucking hate that i feel this way. my rational side knows I'm bigger than damn insects. but i react to them like a normal person would to a t-rex. like... wtf.

now it’s almost 3:30 so... i guess that’s enough for now

[iamwolvie]

June 6th

i set two alarms today because i actually had to do things at a certain time and couldn’t be my normal sack of shit that i drift around being. 

there were moments where anxiety was trying to build up. late at night, people were letting off fireworks. found out about friends and family who protested. some of them were met with violence which weighed heavy upon me. i asked about someone i knew who was in the hospital, afraid they were worse than how i knew. remembered i’ve been praying for them ever since and was happy to hear they are better.

i don't like bugs/insects and found a few today. very upset about that. yet i started watching the movie “bumblebee” and it was exactly what i needed. i dunno what that means for why i get happy sometimes. lol.

talked to a friend about drag race. that also makes me happy. drag queens and superheroes. that might possibly be the highlights of my eternal happiness 😂

[iamwolvie]

June 5th 2020

i realized a while go that the notebook i was writing on is almost finished so I'm just going to essentially use this as my diary because no one reads this and basically the pages are limitless lol. 

today was not so bad. my anxiety was low and i didn't freak out so much. the day before a helicopter hovered over my building for over an hour and i thought it was going to be enough to send me over the edge because my nervousness has been through the roof during quarantine. i have struggled a fucking lot with my mental health. today though... was ok. and i reveled in that energy. because just a week ago i was crying and shaking and trying to find hope for my mind to settle with. when the good is good, I'm gonna fucking roll with that...