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I have come to terms

Today is the day that I started taking my anti-depressants. Fuck that. They're "meds". I'm on fucking meds. I came to this part of my life where I have to take meds. In another moment of clarity, I am thankful that I lacked follow through. I wouldn't be sitting here typing this out. And here is where I make us black folk a bit more crazier that our crazy white counterparts. Many black professionals have two worlds to compete with and satisfy. With a normal person, that's easy. With someone like myself who struggles with depression, these two worlds suck. The black community sucks at embracing and fully accepting mental illness. The white community sucks at presenting better options and are too quick to give pills for mental illness. And here is where I plan on overcoming whatever demon in my head and putting myself back on the track of success. Maybe I can make people aware. Maybe I can just live life. Until then. I'm just going to pop this pill and go to work.

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✊

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Pretty much me today

When Libra Doesn't Even Want To Get Out Bed....

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Zodiac Libra Facts.

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The Truth About Libra and Why We Run

I got this from another page on the Internet. I'm not the original writer, but I would love to meet them. I am guilty of running away from a "chance" of having a wonderful relationship. Just that word alone, chance, it scares me. When i see someone I like and get the nerve to open up a door for him to enter in my life, that's big. Inviting you inside my soul, just that one step, is huge. I then watch him make the next steps and it is etched in my mind. As I continue to love, I give everything. No, really everything. I don't care what other women would say and I don't care to leave it for myself. I'm in love, I'm blind, and I love it. That feeling that your soul is in the clouds, happy, with that one person. His smile, his laugh, the stupid stuff he says that is irritating. I love it. I'm so faithful, it's almost like everyone else's faces are a blur. I get super possessive because I want you and only you. I love so much they when you hurt me bad, I'll still find it in me to stay. Or give another chance. If someone threatens to take you away from me, I'll fight for my spot. My heart is in constant battle. My mind is always trying to come up with a strategy. My soul is ready to trample whatever is in my way. The thing is, I have a weakness. I keep forgetting I'm human. Even if I fight hard for you, my heart still gets weak. My mind shuts down and my spirit is in need of care. It was always miserable when my lovers would get comfortable because they knew I would never leave. So he could do whatever and at this moment of realization is when everything gets all fucked up. The pain that I endured would suddenly explode. And all during the explosion, my heart, mind, soul and body is tired. And what better way to deal with it than to retreat. Recover. Patch my wounds. All by myself. Sometimes I retreat just to fill up my energy. Sometimes I need to be in full recovery. Sometimes I need to quickly patch some wounds to go back into battle. All the while, I'm plotting and scheming, "how can I get back with you"? "How can I bring back what I lost"? I want you still, but I'm still recovering. But then what if you made me feel there's nothing to go back to? Can you make me feel like you still want me badly, even if I disappeared on you? Can you fight for me as much as I fought? Can you accept this crazy weakness I have as much as I've accepted yours? Can you love me as much as I love you? Chance - - this scares me. A chance of having a wonderful relationship also means a chance of a potential heartbreak. I'm tired of having heartbreaks, I guess I have to really let go and run away. I may not be around you anymore, but I left my heart with you. It's weak, but still beating. It beats for you. I know how much you love me. I know you do because it's at least as strong as the love I had for you.

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Karma/Embarrassment

Some people get so wrapped up in Karma. For me, I've never understood why. Aren't you ultimately embarrassed that you dealt with someone who had to let karma kick them so hard in the ass that their story becomes the prime example of it all? I spent so much time attempting to love him and I get passed up for a stripper, with an affinity for country music who ultimately dumped him for some stupid reason conveniently after he blew his money on her hand over fist. Some may call that karma biting him in the ass, but I call this personal embarrassment. I cannot begin to explain to you how small I feel about this. Am I not skinny enough? Maybe I'm not as pretty as I thought. Maybe it's because I'm black. Maybe it's because I showed my emotions too early. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I do have a lot of drama. The whole thing has just made me feel so insecure about myself, what I want and who I am. Ugh and what's worse is that she was like a part of the family for a short time. Like I just got replaced. Like I ceased to exist. It was a happy family unit; her, him and the kids all together. And good thing I followed my gut and didn't go to events. I could only imagine how I'd act if I saw them playing. Only for her to post a picture of her sucking someone else's dick. After they broke up. Yes. Karma. But even worse for me, embarrasment. I respected what (little) we had by not doing things like that. When I suck dick, it's something only few people really know but many people assume. And what irks me a bit is all the fucking masterbating I did during our relationship. I'm now the fucking masterbation expert. If I openly admitted this to my ex boyfriends, they would probably fall out on the floor. Maybe some of them would whip out their dicks willing to give it up. But maybe it's my own karma. Maybe my true personal lesson is to recognize what is masterbation and what is sex. I'm going to get balls deep on this shit: Some people masterbate. But recognize that masterbating is all about feeling good. That's its sole purpose. To feel good. But some people have sex. And although that obviously feels good, it ultimate goal and purpose is to produce life. And sometimes, people catch STDs. And it takes away from your sex life. The ultimate act of sex becomes tougher to do, mentally or maybe even physically. Whether you'd like to admit it or not, a STD ultimately reduces your ability to create life. So therefore, this is a lesson to me. Learning what (and who) can ultimately help me make my life better, versus taking my life away.

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Ugh

I just saw him, out with another girl. I think we saw the same movie. I can't wait to leave town. I can't do this anymore.

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Today

I hate his guts right now. Ohh man the embarrassment of chasing such a prick down. So hard to apologize to myself for being so dumb.

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Reflection

I remember when people used to ask me why I was into Matt. I've never heard so many people speak against him. Most of them turned out to be right about him. But at least I was strong and loyal enough to see it for myself.

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Moving Forward!

As I deprogram and prepare for my next chapter in life, I feel like I should stop and reflect.

Yet, I don't think I care to do so. 

My time is best spent thinking about me and my goals and what I want to fucking do. 

For once in my life. For once in my life. I'll have an opportunity to make something better of myself. Way better. 

I'm really happy.

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Matt's Love is on DNR Status

As I reflect back on the nonsense I wrote in the previous months, I am saddened by the bullshit I thought was real.

Yet I am astonished at the persistence, the love I gave, the endurance of it all; not listening to my friends in the beginning, not paying attention to what others said, those closest to him and everything. I am proud of me. I'm proud how strong of a woman I've become, especially in the relationship aspect. I was so damaged, jaded, unhappy and lacked real self-love. 

Here I am, I got strong enough to love myself and love another man despite the bullshit. 

I'm so proud of who I am. I'm so thankful for meeting him. He was a lesson in my life. My ego and pride will never allow me to return to him. But I'm grateful for crossing his path.

When a man is ready. A man will step up to the plate, say, act and think "I'm ready". His emotions, mental state, body language and soul will be in harmony. My alpha female tendencies will cease to exist in the presence of a man who is one with his mind, body and spirit. 

He never did that with me. Not because I didn't give him the reason to, but because he really wasn't capable of it. Sure he may tell me he loves me, but the love he has will be forever on life support. So if it naturally dies, there will be no reason to resuscitate.

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Scorpio Moon plus tonight's full moon = lotta crazy shit

Once upon a time, I dreamt of us being together. Those moments that we live with each other; a laugh here, a kiss there, you spanking me on my ass and me squeezing my pussy walls with your cock deep inside. There were moments that my soul was at peace with you around. I just wanted all of you, sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally. I guess it's that Scorpio Moon coming out; that deep sense of self within me that finds the need to possess. But you made it seem like control and possession was such a negative trait, you seemed to miss the fact that I really loved you. I wish you could've helped me channel that into being a Domme. But now I know and hope to use that for good evil and not bad evil. I wish I didn't love you like I do. Maybe I should've listened to everyone around me and left you alone. But right now, I'm writing this in the middle of the night, in the dark, after being in the darkest part of my mind. So these emotions are raw, real, dark and dreary. Just because I can be cordial with you doesn't mean I don't hate your fucking guts right now. I'm sick of being the nice one. I'm sick of your shit. Be patient, you say. I don't give a fuck. I have zero fucks in my pocket. As a matter of fact, I'm negative fucks. People owe me fucks to give. Don't think I haven't recognized that I've been blatantly lied to. And when I respected what we had enough to bring it to your attention, without accusing you, you had the Goddamn audacity to act like it was nothing and really make me think that I am crazy. You we're right about you being fucked up. Let's see how fucked up you are. After the moment I expressed my emotions to you, I've see you have: -5 women (consecutive, some just sex and flings that I didn't fully understand, and some that you were really into) -A birthday party you had for your 40th, when you said you and your Mom went out for dinner together -10+ more women (consecutive and concurrent, one of which is now knocked up and that you conveniently didn't mention) All while telling me you love me while expecting me to be "just your friend". Sure you weren't ready for a relationship, but fuck, don't rub that shit in my face by bringing all these girls around and just telling me they're friends. And when I walked away from you last year, you didn't need to come back asking me for friendship again if you knew you weren't going to change. I guess this is why I hesitate to fuck around in the scene like that. I equate the scene with the bullshit above. And to think that I thought you were me several years back; I can relate with the need to fuck everything. I was hurting and I didn't know how to get help. I was lucky enough to have someone show me how valuable I am, even though it was the worst situation between us. There were terrible arguments. But there was always a level of respect he had that I fucked up by lying over and over and over again. Had I not lied. It was a hard lesson to learn and I found out that the true foundation That respect that I held so highly for you has decimated to it's lowest levels. That moment when I said I don't trust you is because deep down I lost a lot of respect for you. I tried my hardest to put my feelings aside and gave you space to just fuck around. What a fucking joke. I think of you as a liar. A cheater. You selfish bastard. Really, who the fuck would give you all her time, while giving you the space you needed, while being as patient as possible (understanding your needs, your fears, your situation). All while being a better woman than all the fucking bitches you so deeply loved COMBINED. Look around you. Any of these hoes got your back like I did? I mean do any of them have real class like me? Any of them got it going on like me? If they do, they truly don't want shit to do with you. If they did, I wouldn't even have to write this manifesto because they would be there and I would've never made it this far. I am in disbelief that you are in my heart like this, to this day. But I'm starting to think that you and I weren't meant to be together. We were just meant to be. You were a lesson. When a man isn't ready, he isn't ready. Loving him better than any woman in his life ain't got shit to do with it. Supporting all his efforts ain't got shit to do with it. Attempting to keep him focused doesn't mean anything. Trying to make him a better man doesn't work either. And most importantly, teaching him the importance of being positive in his life (and watching him be more positive) doesn't matter. If he wants you, he'll want you and you won't have a single doubt in your mind. He'll have respect for you. He'll know what buttons to push and he'll know how to be a man about things. He'll know how to treat a woman. He'll know what someone of substance looks like. He won't keep secrets. He'll be honest. He'll be kind. He'll be supportive. And he'll be true.

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❤️

The best kind of love is someone who can love you for you. Without restriction Without reservation Without stipulations Without guarantees Without plans Without promises They just love you. And you love them. You don't know what's gonna happen. Matter fact, nothing might happen. But it's ok. Because their love for you teaches you about what love is all about. That last person that you told you loved them, shoot. You didn't love yourself. Because that person didn't purely love you for you. They just accepted you enough and long enough to move that acceptance and time into love. And that's ok too. But it still had it's semi-reservations. But in this moment. At this hour. Your love taught me about loving someone freely. Accepting a person, situation or bad timing as what this moment in time has presented to me. And it's ok. There are moments that I still wish for it. But if God said that it's time for you to go home right now, your love had taught me the true meaning of being free and in love. Your love has taught me what it really means to be accepting. And most of all, you're love has taught me patience. Thank you boo.

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<3

I don't know who truly wrote this. I've seen sources that says Bob Marley wrote it in a journal entry of his. But it's beautiful and certainly rings true!

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

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Syria and Snowden

Don't forget that Snowden's backside was with Putin a couple months ago before this damn Syria situation stated. Now this crazy Russian wants to call us liars...

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Fantasy Football

Is fuckin' hard. For the first time. Especially when you have to play commissioner.