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iamqueenpotato · 1 year ago

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I Hate That I Love You- Final Part

A/N- Hiiiii, I am back finally! It has been a rough summer to say the least. And writers block decided to stay around the entire time. Which was the cherry on top of everything. But I honestly appreciate you all for waiting so patiently while I took this time. This is the final part! Took me quite a bit to decide how I wanted to end it. There will be an epilogue of sorts. But this is the end! Thank you so much for sticking around for this. It has been the longest series so far, I hope you enjoy! Word count: 4.1k Warnings: Character death

Azriel pushed himself past his limits, your words ringing in his ears. He felt your body go limp and that beautiful light between the two of you was fading into nothing. He tried his best to blink his tears away, but the constant flow began to blur his vision.

Azriel had to make it, he had to get you to Madja before it was too late. But his thoughts overwhelmed him, that nagging devil on his shoulder telling him that he had run out of time, that there was no point in trying anymore.

But for you he would do anything.

He saw Velaris on the horizon, and your breathing had slowed down next to nothing. His hands shook as they held on to your body, he only hoped Madja had received Rhys’s message. He noticed how your blood painted his dark leathers with a crimson hue, something he never thought he would ever experience.

His wings grew tired as he approached the house of wind he spotted Madja and a few of her apprentices waiting at the entrance. “What happened?” Madja questioned, but Azriel could not speak, his words were drowned out by the pain of reality. But Madja could tell without any words and signaled the other fae to grab you. Azriel watched as your body fell into their arms, Madja giving him a short nod before rushing inside.

It wasn’t until you had disappeared from his sight that the exhaustion kicked in and he broke down. Tears streaming down his cheeks, the phantom touch of your hand still lingering across his cheek, he knew you were in good hands but Madok’s words taunted him. You can’t save her now. But you had Madja, and she would do whatever she could to save you, Azriel knew this. A part of Azriel wanted to know what the bastard had put you through, but that other part didn’t want to know that pain, to see or feel what you went through, knowing it would only make him more unhinged. And right now that isn’t the part of him you needed.

He stood from his kneeling position, shaming himself for wasting another second of not being by your side.

But once he entered, Azriel wasn’t allowed in when he caught up with Madja to your bedroom, yet your door was on a swivel as different faces rushed in and out, each one of them covered in more blood than the last. And could only catch a glimpse of what was occurring past the barrier that kept him from you, though as much as he wanted to disobey Madja, to burst through those doors and hold your hand through all of this, but he knew he would be getting in the way of the care you so desperately needed.

So he bit his tongue, keeping his feet planted a few feet from the door.

Hours went by, slowly the rest of the inner circle trickled in, Azriel did not speak to any of them, yet each one brought him in for a tight embrace that he did not refuse.

They remained sitting in silence as they waited. Feyre held Azriel’s hand tightly, his eyes fixated on the door in front of him. The time felt as though it wasn’t moving at all. He wasn’t even sure if he was blinking, any second now Madja could come out and speak the words that Azriel did not want to hear, but he needed to know something, anything at all. The silence deafening his ears made his skin crawl.

Why hadn’t they come out yet?

They sat there for what felt like an eternity before the door opened and Madja stepped through. Everyone stood to their feet, eagerly awaiting the woman’s words.

“This is the worst case of faebane poisoning I have seen in my entire life.” Madja finally spoke, looking around at each member of the inner circle. “Her wounds are easily fixable, but Madok had injected that cursed serum one too many times into her bloodstream, I am surprised she is still alive.” Madja paused, looking directly at Azriel. “I am not certain she will survive much longer.” Azriel froze, and he felt the eyes of his family fall onto him, each one lined with tears.

“What about the cure? Like I did for Rhys.” Feyre stated, her voice shaky as she clung to her mate.

“This faebane is not like the one the highlord was hit with, whatever it is- it prolongs the effects, making it harder to combat, Y/N is in a constant fight because her body cannot produce any sort of healing internally because the faebane gets to it first.” Madja finished and Azriel could hear Feyre break down, but he stared at the ground, his tears dripping onto the ground by his feet. “Her healing is trying its hardest, but there is so much in her system that it is killing her, but also prolonging the inevitable. Making it one of the worst forms of torture.”

“That bastard.” Cassian cursed, knocking over a vase near the entrance. The collection of cries that followed echoed in the hallway.

But Azriel watched as Madja approached him, resting a small hand on his shoulder. “Spend time with her. As much as you can, don’t let her go alone.”

“I don’t want her to go at all.” Azriel whispered, holding back his emotions as he looked around the room. “Madja there isn’t any way to save her?”

“Unless her own healing kicks in, we have done all we can.”

“This isn’t fair.” Azriel stood, removing Madja’s hand from his shoulder. “She should be here with me, if only we didn’t fight. If I was just honest with her from the start, none of this would have happened. She never would have gone to Windhaven, Y/N wouldn’t have to suffer for this family. None of it is fair.”

“Do not blame yourself for what has happened, this is not because of some fight, nor is it because you couldn’t keep her from leaving. This is because of a grudge held against our Highlord, Y/N did her job as a loyal soldier. She protected this family because she cares for all of you deeply. It is something that you would have done as well.” Azriel knew Madja spoke the truth, but it was something he did not want to accept. As much as he blamed Madok and his men, he also blamed himself. For it all. For letting you slip through his fingers one too many times, for never giving you a chance, for letting you deal with this pain alone. “Azriel. Nothing could have stopped what had occurred, fate can work in our favor but there are times that it works against us. It brings us hope but with hope there is also sorrow.”

“Can I see her now?” Azriel took in her words, and he knew exactly what Madja was telling him, but he would grieve later.. If it came to it.

Mother knows he hoped it wouldn’t.

He pushed past Madja slowly, his arm shaking as he reached for the handle. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see you, but he was terrified to see the state that you were in. The wounds that he wasn’t there to stop. He was used to seeing your smile, the glow that surrounded you, without that it would feel abnormal, it was a fear he never knew he would face, he felt the pain in his heart from thinking about it.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, or how long his family waited for him to open the door. But it was enough time for a small figure to appear next to him. Somehow without his shadows even noticing, but he could only assume they were distracted.

“What do you want Elain?” He questioned, not moving his gaze from the door.

“Can we talk? Please, it is important.” He hated the look she was giving him, she was on the verge of tears but yet her eyes looked so empty, like she was faking the emotions she tried so desperately to feel.

“I don’t have the time for this Elain.” His voice was bitter but he didn’t care.

“Azriel please.” Elain begged, placing a hand on his forearm. He immediately retracted from her touch, clenching his fists before nodding.

“Make it quick.”

Azriel followed Elain into a room down the hall. His hands were still shaking, and he couldn’t look anywhere but the door. He needed to get back to you, to be by your side.

“Azriel?” Her voice was so soft, he barely heard her. He glanced at her, waiting for her to speak. “I know what happened is serious but can we talk about us?”

“Us? There is no us.” Azriel couldn’t believe the words she spoke. “You pulled me away from my best friend who is currently on the edge of death. To ask me such a stupid question?”

“I didn’t realize the two of you were still friends.” Elain crossed her arms, ignoring the fact that the situation at hand was serious.

“She will always be my friend Elain. Y/N helps me in more ways than you ever could.” Azriel repressed the tears that threatened to fall once more. The image of your still body engraved in his memory. “And I am terrified of losing her,” Azriel took a deep breath, realizing what he had to do. “Elain I can’t do this anymore. If you wanted to talk about us, I am done. If I didn’t make it clear before. I am done with all of it.”

Elain inhaled sharply. “Azriel you can’t mean that.”

“I do,” He paused, imagining the days it was just you and him, the things he would do just to go back. To relive those moments, maybe then he would make the right choice. “If you didn’t believe me the first time I said it. Y/N is my everything. My mate. I should have been honest with her from the start. I am truly sorry Elain, I tried to be the male you needed but I cannot when the one I love needs me. And I curse myself for only now seeing she needed me this entire time. My only hope is that I can make it up to her when she wakes.”

Elain was crying but Azriel felt no sympathy for her. “Burn in hell.” She screamed at him. Swinging her arms at him. He took each hit, unphased at her tantrum.

He softly grabbed her arms, pulling them away from him. “Let that be my fate if Y/N is taken from me. I would rather burn than lose her.” He released his grip, walking past her and back out into the hallway.

“I am truly sorry for what happened to Y/N. If I knew it was going to be that bad I would have said something sooner.” Elain spoke up.

Azriel stopped in the hallway, his shadows freezing alongside him. He noticed his family walking toward him, but his mind raced as he narrowed his eyes at Elain as she stepped closer to him. “What are you talking about?” He questioned, clenching his jaw as he spoke.

Elain recoiled from him, fidgeting with the skirt of her dress. “I had a vision of sorts, a gut feeling that night of our engagement party, the second I smelled her all over you. I saw that she would face troubles on that mountain. But my mind was foggy and I didn’t know.”

“Your mind was foggy? You’re telling me that the night she left, three days before she was taken, you knew?” Azriel lashed out, slamming her against the wall behind where she stood. He heard Rhys yell his name but he paid no attention to them.

“I was angry. My soon to be spouse messed around with a stupid whore, why would I want to keep her safe? I know I made a mistake but you have to understand-”

“Understand? How dare you think I would ever be okay with that choice.”

“Azriel what is going on?” Cassian asked from behind him, Rhys pulling him away from Elain, and he watched as she hid behind her sisters.

“Elain knew.”

Nesta turned to her sister. “Knew what?”

“She knew Y/N would face troubles on Windhaven but decided it wasn’t important and kept it to herself.” Azriel blurted out, making everyone’s eyes fall to her.

Azriel watched as Elain shrunk away from her sisters, as each of them turned fully to face her. Cassian released his grip that he had around Azriel’s shoulders, silently cursing to himself.

“Say it isn’t true Elain.” Feyre spoke and Azriel could tell she was holding back tears, he understood the emotion, he would be heartbroken if his brothers did something as selfish.

“Feyre, it was an honest mistake.” Elain defended, but by the look on everyone’s face, they did not believe her words.

“An honest mistake?” Azriel cut in, Cassian’s hand found its way back to his shoulder. Azriel understood his concern, but he would not harm her. It wasn’t worth it. “Risking the life of someone within this family, the life of someone who means so much to everyone, to me. There was no honesty in the choice that you made.”

“I never wanted to her to get hurt Azriel, I-”

“Enough!” Azriel snapped. His wings pulled tight behind him, his shadows whirling around in anger. “I am done hearing your pathetic apologies. Leave before I make you myself.”

“Fine.” Elain whispered before disappearing down the hall, no one moved an inch to follow her.

But he watched as Feyre and Nesta’s eyes followed Elain’s small figure as it dashed out of sight. Azriel could only sigh before heading for your door.

With a deep breath he opened it.

And to his shock when he opened your door, you laid there staring at him. A broken smile across your face. If he wasn’t so eager to be at your side he would have dropped to his knees right at that moment.

“Y/N” He cried, rushing over to the bedside, wrapping his arms around you so softly, afraid that you might break if he held you too tightly. He kneeled next to you, his hand firmly gripping your own.

“Hi Az.” Your voice sounded so harsh, your eyes were barely open, and the hand that was entwined with his felt so cold, lifeless. Even though you were awake in front of him, it did not feel right, as if the two of you were living on borrowed time. And something within Azriel told him that something wasn’t right, but looking into your eyes once more, while they were still bloodshot and bruised, he did not want to think of the negatives, you were awake, and it seemed the cauldron was giving him a second chance at a life with you. He would not take advantage of it this time.

“How are you feeling?” He questioned, rubbing soothing circles on the back of your hand.

“Like absolute garbage. I am pretty sure I will not be able to move for the next three years.” You joked, and Azriel could only stare at you, he felt the tears slip down his cheeks, but he did not take his eyes off of you. “Azriel, what’s wrong?”

“I thought I lost you, the bond was so weak. Y/n. I thought you died in my arms. I have never experienced such fear before.”

You squeezed his hand with whatever strength you had. “It was not my intention to scare you Az. But I am fine.” There was something in your voice that Azriel could not decipher but he was too focused on the way your eyes met his.

“Do not worry about that, all that matters is that you’re okay.” Azriel choked out. “I love you so much, Y/N. I am sorry I did not say it sooner.”

Azriel felt his soul light up when you smiled at him, though your bruised cheeks limited you, you were still the most beautiful thing he has seen. “Never thought I would hear those words from you.” You whispered.

Azriel leaned closer to you, resting his head on yours. The two of you closed your eyes as you sat there, soaking up the presence of each other. Azriel could breathe fully once more, each inhale that matched yours soothed the wounds he thought would remain if he lost you.

He would have stayed there for hours if you hadn’t flinched with the sudden movement. “Let me go find Madja, and tell the others you are awake.” Azriel placed a soft kiss on your head before exiting the room, Madja waiting outside, Azriel offered her a small smile before watching her close the door behind her.

He saw his brothers first, a wide smile across his face, fresh tears down his cheeks. “She’s awake.” His words felt like a blessing as he spoke them out loud.

“When can we see her?” Mor asked, her tears matching his own.

Azriel turned to face your door again, excited to live this new adventure with you, to have all he had ever wanted, his family, you. A life he thought he’d never deserve.

Azriel tried to speak but no words fell from his lips. He stared blankly at Mor as he again attempted to respond. It was as if the words were stuck within his throat.

Suddenly coldness washed over Azriel, a piercing, numbing feeling that he could not describe. His words were cut short as he stumbled onto the ground. Clutching his chest as if the pain came from beneath his skin. His breath had become shallow. His brothers came to his side, Azriel could see they were speaking to him, but there was no sound. The ringing in his ears cut out all noise. But slowly Azriel’s hearing returned, only to hear Rhys’s voice.

“Madja what is it?” Rhysand questioned, his voice heard over all the commotion. Azriel looked up to see Madja standing there, her hands placed nervously in front of her. Madja stared at each one of them, her silence creating a certain tension within the hall. She took a deep breath as her eyes landed on Azriel. “I tried my best, I promise. But I couldn’t save her.”

“Madja what are you saying?” Azriel forced out, afraid of the words that would follow.

He could see the slight build up in her waterline. “Y/N is dead.”

Azriel’s eyes widened, Madja’s words sinking into his mind like poison. She had to be lying, there was no way he didn’t make it in time but that feeling in his chest remained, the aching pain that spread across his body.

He struggled to stand, his limbs not quite feeling like his own. The room spun around him, each pair of eyes on him as he ran toward your room.

When he opened the door he saw you. Your lifeless body laying against the pillows, your pale hand that draped over the side. The one he just held.

Azriel dropped to his knees and screamed.

His bloodcurdling roar shattered the windows. The sobs that echoed after it filled the deadly silence he felt in his soul. He was unable to lift his body off the ground as he dragged himself to your side, his limbs shaking as he reached for you. His screams were muffled as he buried his face in your chest, the anguish reverberating across his body. “No, please, you can’t leave me.” He held your still body tightly against him, his hands overcome by an uncontrollable tremble as he took in your lifeless features, brushing your hair from your eyes that he adored, the ones that always looked at him with love and affection. But now they were cold and empty, mirroring the feeling he felt within him. Another scream ripped through him, he tried to pull on the bond, but there was nothing, it had disappeared into the darkness. And he was left with the memory of what could have been. “She was o-okay, she was here with me, I felt her.” He cried out, but no words could bring you back.

You were dead. And his world had gone painfully numb.

He didn’t feel anything, except the dead weight he held so tightly in his arms.

Azriel hadn’t let go of your body, not when Rhys or Cassian tried to pry him off of you. This could not be your fate, your story did not end here.

There was so much he wanted to do with you, the life he had dreamed of always had you at his side.

“But how is this possible? She was fine a minute ago.” Azriel heard Mor speak, acknowledging the way her voice broke halfway through.

Madja stepped forward, placing a small hand on your cold cheek. “ I don’t think she was ever fine. With the last of her strength she kept herself alive to see Azriel one last time. She knew she wouldn’t have made it. And instead of fighting, she decided to let go.”

“She told me she was fine, Madja. Why would she lie, why wouldn’t she share that pain?” Azriel spoke, still not releasing his grip around you.

“Even on the edge of death, she cared for you shadowsinger. You. It was only you she worried about, she put your feelings above her own.”

For as long as he knew you that is all you had ever done, you cared too much for your own good, you always were the one to take care of others. But now it was his turn to take care of you. “She has always been there for me, it's time I finally return the favor.”

“What are you talking about brother?” Cassian questioned. And if he were being honest, Azriel did not know what he meant either, but something was telling him to not let go just yet.

And as his brother reached for him, without warning his shadows wrapped around the two of you, a small cocoon forming across your bodies. And his shadows did something he had never seen before.

They glowed.

Like the night sky of Velaris, decorated with stars and the bright moon that highlighted the horizon. Azriel had always known his shadows to be darkness, the embodiment of death itself, but now they glowed with life, yet it wasn’t the brightness of the day but the luring glow of the night. Azriel’s entire body felt light, like he was flying for the first time again but yet he knew his feet were still planted firmly on the ground. He could not hear the voices around him, nor could he see the faces of his friends anymore.

He begged to the mother, to anyone who would listen as he held onto you, to give you back the life that was so wrongly taken from you. He knew playing with death was dangerous, he knew there would be consequences.

But this time he did not care, when it came to you, nothing else mattered.

His shadows moved from his shoulders to yours, caressing your face, swarming your body until only the lids of your eyes were visible through the cloud of night.

His shadows had helped him throughout all these years, he could only hope they would help him one last time. Whatever they were doing he only prayed it was something good.

Azriel cradled your body against his, his arms tightly around you, he closed his eyes as he rested his head atop yours. “Please, I don’t want anything more than her, I don’t need anything else. Please.”

And maybe he had finally done something good. Perhaps the mother had heard him, decided he was worthy.

Because he felt your chest rise and fall against him, that life filling your lungs, he felt the bond reignite, the thread between you stronger than it was before. Azriel had never moved so quickly before as he did in that moment. When he pulled back, his shadows had made their way back to his body. The light from the room around him seeped in.

But he looked down at you, he would have to thank the mother for the rest of his life. Your eyes stared up at him, alive, moving. Your lips parted slightly as you inhaled deeply, desperate for the air that was taken from you.

“Azriel.” You whispered. He watched as your eyes focused on him, as if you saw him for the first time again.

And hearing your voice was all it took to make him break. The tears fell with no sign of stopping. But he could not have been happier.

He had everything he could ever need in front of him.

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