iamjustexistingandstuff

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

22nd of August ~ 12.51 p.m.

I had too much bread and now my stomach hurts. My friend bought it for me a few days ago because she saw that I didn’t have any food in my apartment. It was really sweet of her, but this is the exact reason I don’t keep food lying around. Because I can’t control myself, and now I feel the urge to go to the store and buy binge food. God dammit. I won’t do it though. I think. Who the hell knows. I sure as hell don’t.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

22nd of August ~ 11.10 a.m.

This week has been one of the most stressful weeks in god knows how long. It’s been pretty awful. In my degree, I need three subjects each semester. And three times during this summer, I haven’t gotten a spot in the classes that I want/need. So the first day of the semester, I only had two subjects. I ended up signing up for a third class on Monday, but the subjects just didn’t sit right with me, and I think I would’ve had a hard time getting through the curriculum. And I updated the list over available subjects probably twenty times a day, and the amount of stress that appears when a new subject becomes available, and you have to sign up for it in a hurry before anybody else takes the spot. And then you have to get a overview of the new curriculum, classes, schedule, obligatory assignments etc. And when I end up switching subjects like three or four times in the span of two days, it gets exhausting. And my brain was a complete and utter mess. I was just overwhelmed with stress. So because of that, I ended up binging on both Tuesday and Wednesday (my dudes). I don’t feel that bad about it. It was the only was I was able to calm down and get my mind off everything university-related. So I don’t regret it. I had to do what I had to do. I’ve been back on track since Thursday. So I’m good now. I’m still slightly stressed regarding my studies though, but not so stressed that it feels overwhelming and impossible. This semester is just hard, all of my classes are online, and it’s hard to figure out exactly what’s going on when all forms of communication takes place online, rather than in person. But I’ve bought all of my books, printed the articles, gotten an overview over what I have to read each week, so I feel like I’m somewhat in control. It also feels good to have routines again. Setting an alarm, getting up, getting ready, pack my books and going to the library to study. I was planning on weighing myself tomorrow, but since I binged twice this week, I’ll weigh myself next Monday instead. It feels good not weighing myself every single day. It was kind of exhausting to be honest. So the third subject I decided on is human geography. I made a list on Monday over what subjects that I wanted to chose for my third subject, and that was one of them. But somebody took the spot on Tuesday before I got a chance to try and sign up for it, but then somebody changed their mind, and it became available again. So I took it. It really seems interesting, so I think it’ll be fun. The entire book is only available online though, but I can’t read things on a screen, I hate it. So I printed out the entire book, like 370 pages. I like to have everything physically. It’s a lot easier to read, and I can mark and take notes in the text while I read. Even if there’s just a two page article, I will print it out. Reading curriculum on a screen is just out of the question.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

19th of August ~ 17.11 p.m.

Didn’t have success with calling the university, but I’m not giving up quite yet. I studied at the library from 10-3 ish. Did get some work done. Met a couple of my guy friends, and one of my girlfriends. It was really nice seeing them again. I’ve missed them. I really am not feeling awful today. Still not bloated. I feel just fine. I don’t really regret binging yesterday either. I just really needed it. Because yesterday was rough. I don’t feel like repeating it today or anything though. I just don’t regret doing it yesterday. What’s done is done. It obviously would’ve been better if I didn’t do it, but I kind of needed it and there’s absolutely no point in feeling bad about it. There’s just not. This day and just one more day, then I’ve repaired the damage. There’s a couple of days lost, but it’s not the end of the world. I’ll still get to my goal in the end, but it’ll just take a couple of days longer because of this. Which is completely okay. I’ve eaten a little candy thing so far today. I bought the same vegetable lasagna, so I’ll eat that later. Those two things will be 400 calories, and I’ll add the remainder of my feta on it, and maybe hot chocolate later tonight. So I’m (over)estimating the total to be like 600. Which is good.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

19th of August ~ 07.10 a.m.

I don’t feel as bad today as I thought I would. I’m not very bloated either. And I’m happy about that, because one of my triggers to continue binging the day after a binge is feeling like crap. And I don’t feel like crap today. Well, I mean I always feel a little crappy by default, but I don’t feel as crappy as I thought I would. My mind and thoughts are not as chaotic as they were yesterday either. I’m still feeling demotivated as hell though, and I’m still planning on giving the university a call. I have nothing to lose, but I’m prepared to get a negative response for my request. Still, it doesn’t hurt to try. What’s the worst thing that could happen? I get told no. That’s it. And I have several good arguments, so I won’t give up just yet. With two days of strict restriction, I’ll be able to make up for what happened yesterday. Today I’ll go for this pre packaged vegetable lasagna, it’s surprisingly good and filling, and it only has 320 calories. I have some feta cheese left in the fridge, so I’ll use the rest of that. So it’ll be maybe 400 in total. And then maybe a cup of hot chocolate, so a total maximum of 510 calories. That would be good. I’m leaving my card and money at home when I leave for uni today, just so that I’m unable to spend any money when I’m away. So after I’m done reading, I have to go back home, buy some food, buy a new foundation and pay some bills. I can call the university from 9 o’clock. I hope that they’re willing to bend the rules a little bit for me. I’ll start getting ready now.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

18th of August ~ 22.40 p.m.

So. The inevitable happened. I binged. It was a very different binge though. I didn’t feel like I was in a trance, and I wasn’t in a hurry when I ate. I threw some of my food away because I didn’t want to eat any more of it etc. Which hasn’t happened before. And I’ll be able to repair the damage I’ve done today within just a couple of days, so it’s not the end of the world, and I don’t feel as awful as I usually do either. That does not mean that I’ll allow myself to binge regularly. Not at all. Because the feeling of an empty stomach is a hell of a lot better. But today has just been a weird day. I’ve been so stressed, concerned, disappointed, afraid, sad, frustrated and every other negative emotion there is. I just feel completely and utterly lost. So the choice I had today was either so binge or to self harm, and the former is a better option. A binge can be fixed in a couple of days, while self harm scars never go away. I’m just tired. I kind of wanna drop out of university to be honest. That’s how sick and tired I am. And that says a lot, because dropping out is never something that I thought I’d consider. But I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. I don’t think I go another semester with subjects that I don’t like, and all of the lectures and seminars being online, while my mental health is just rapidly declining. I’m genuinely concerned. I’m so tired that I’m unable to cry. And that’s also really concerning. I have booked a spot in the library tomorrow from 10 am to 5 pm, so I have to get up from bed tomorrow. I have to force myself to do that. I have to push myself and to try. But I’ll call the university tomorrow and just beg them to bend the rules just a little bit, and let me have at least one subject that I find interesting, so that I can hopefully be able to get through the next semester. Because I really don’t think that I can do this anymore. I feel that I’ve reached my limit. Everything in my life has become increasingly worse the past year, and I don’t deserve any of it.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

18th of August ~ 11.15 a.m.

Sooo I didn’t get a spot in the health psychology class. I’m really upset about that. I found a subject that looked okay, so I have the required amount of subjects, but I’m still bummed out. And I really have to readjust, because this semester won’t be anything like I thought it would. I’m pretty good at adapting and readjusting, but right now it’s kind of hard. But I’ll manage.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

18th of August ~ 00.17 a.m.

I need to have three subjects this semester, but so far I only have two. So I have to apply to another one tomorrow, which is stressful because I have to be fast. But I have a plan, I have everything ready, and I have multiple options. So I think I’ll be fine. I really hope so. I have a list of five subjects that all seem interesting, but I’m hoping that I’ll get a spot in the health psychology class. That one seems the most fun and interesting. So fingers crossed. I’ve felt so skinny today. Which is weird. I haven’t been able to stop looking at the difference between the two photos I took. It’s insane. And the difference 15 kilos down from now on will be even more insane. And I’m so incredibly exited for it. So my goal for my weigh in next Monday is 74.5 kilos. I don’t think that’s too unrealistic. Maybe it is? I’ll be happy as long as I’m under 75 though. And that’s definitely realistic. Don’t know what my food plan will be tomorrow. I’ll probably get up at like 8, and then I can apply for subjects at 9. Then I’ll get ready and fix my appearance, before going to the book store and get whatever books that’s required for whichever subject I end up getting into. Then I’ll go back home. Chill for a couple of hours, and then I have the meeting with my phsyciatrist at 2 p.m., and then I’ll be back home at around 3.30 I think. I should read and prepare for a seminar I have on Thursday. Can’t fall behind the first week lol. I should stop by another book store and get some notebooks as well. I’ll be finished reading at like 5 or 6 maybe? I don’t know. But I have quite a few things that I have to get done tomorrow. I need to buy a new foundation as well. Yeah.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

17th of August ~ 18.42 p.m.

This is my first day as normal, in a way. And it feels weird, but it also feels good. I’ve had 620 calories so far today. I’ll probably end up at like 1550 by the end of the night. But that’s okay. I’m meeting my phsyciatrist (how the hell do you spell that properly?) again tomorrow, haven’t spoken to him in over two months. I took a picture of myself in the mirror a little under three months ago, and I took a picture again today where I posed in about the same way. And oh. my. god. There is actually a world of difference. I’m shocked. It’s actually insane. I wish I could show those pictures to someone, but I can’t. The pictures are roughly 15 kg apart, and my ultimate goal now is 15 kg away. And that’s motivating as hell. Because when I see that big of a difference between about 89 and 75, then the difference between 75 and 60 will be so much bigger. I’m really exited to see what I’ll look like. Yay yay yay. It’s gonna be good.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

17th of August ~ 09.28 a.m.

I did it. I actually did it. I reached my goal within the set time frame. For the first time ever. I weighed 75.4 this morning. I’m actually kind of proud of myself. I did good this summer. I really did. And I’m really happy with my progress. And you know what this means, I can have my pizza buns and cookies today. (And yes, I know it’s ironic to treat yourself with food as a reward for having lost weight, but I’ll still be a deficit today). And then lowering my calories back down again tomorrow. I’m meeting up with some friend in one and a half hours, so I should get out of beed soon and get ready. And I’ll now weigh myself only once a week. Every Monday. So my goal for next Monday is 74.5 kilos. That should be feasible I think. It’ll be weird not to weigh myself every day, because I’ve weighed myself every day for 60 days straight. But it should be fine. I don’t think it’s good for my phsyce to weigh myself every day. So therefore, I won’t. I’m not finished yet, far from it. Still have a minimum of 10 kilos left, but I’ve done well this summer. I really have, and I should be proud of that.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

16th of August ~ 10.14 a.m.

Weighing in at 76.2 today, so 600 grams down from yesterday. If I just drop another 200 by the time I wake up tomorrow, I’ve reached my goal. That should be feasible. I should make a curriculum reading plan today, but it’s slightly hard because I don’t know all of the subjects that I’ll have this semester. And uni hasn’t published the curriculum for each seminar and lecture, so it’s kind of hard. So far today I’ve had one scrambled egg with some feta, and one cup of hot chocolate. I’m estimating about 250 calories in total. I’m a bit unsure on what I’ll eat the rest of the day. I’m washing my bedsheets right now. I started the dishwasher as well. I’ll clean up my bathroom and kitchen a bit. Take out the trash. Just so my apartment is organized and clean when uni starts again. It feels good to have my surroundings organized. I’ll take a nice long shower as well. There’s no better feeling than coming straight from the shower and lay down in a clean bed. It’s the best.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

15th of August ~ 22.47 p.m.

Had my last cup of hot chocolate for the night. So a total of roughly 600 today. This day has gone by very fast. I don’t know if I have anything special on my mind. Feel kind of empty, there aren’t really any emotions that I’m feeling right now. Neither good ones nor bad ones. Just right in the middle. No thoughts head empty. I’ve tried to think about what my strategy will be from next week onwards. I think I’m aiming for 3 kg down each month. That means that I’ll hit 64 kg in the middle of December. And 3 kg a week isn’t unrealistic at all. That means a daily deficit of 770 calories, which is not that hard. So I think that’ll be my strategy. So I’m aiming for around 1000 kcal a day, that feels sustainable for me. It’s more than I’ve eaten this summer, and I’ve been fine. I’ll slowly increase my calories though. So I’m at 600 per day now. And then next week I’ll aim for 700 a week, the week after 800 etc. I think that’s a good plan. If I hit 76 on Monday, I’ve planned what I’ll eat that day, and it’ll be around 1350, but I’ll decrease to 700 the following days. I’ll be really upset if I don’t hit 76 on Monday, because then I won’t be allowed to eat my reward for reaching my goal. And that’ll make me really mad tbh. Because I want my treats. But I have a pretty good feeling that I’ll hit my goal. I’m manifesting it right now. I’ll hit my goal, and then I’ll have my treat. And I can go back to only weighing myself once a week. I think that’ll make me relax a lot more, that it’ll make me less stressed and I think it’ll increase my motivation as well. If I’m strict with myself and just keep going, I’ll weigh 64 kg in five months. Wouldn’t that be great? It really would be. Yay yay yay. I’m already getting more happy with my body. Just imagine how much better it’ll look five months from now? Yeah yeah yeah. I’ll just take one day at a time, and then five months will have passed in no time. And I’ll be 64 kg. And it’ll be awesome. I’ll probably have a thigh gap my then. My arms will be a lot more slender. My stomach/torso area as well. My butt will probably be smaller. It’ll be very very nice I feel like. I really hope people will notice. If they don’t, imma be real mad. I miss my friends from uni. I miss hanging out with them, I miss roasting them, I miss being roasted my them, I miss getting drunk with them. I don’t even wanna think about how much of a light weight I probably am right now. I don’t eat a lot, and I haven’t had any alcoholic in two months. But that’s a good thing. Because I’ll get drunk off of little, which means less calories. I just have to keep going, and I’ll be better than fine. And what’s better than fine? Skinni.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

15th of August ~ 19.42 p.m.

The shopping with my brother went well. We had a really nice time. Bought some stuff for myself as well, not just for my brother. But he bought me this sloth pillow thing, which was really sweet of him. I bought more of my hot chocolate powder, because they don’t have it a lot of places. And I bought this glass jar that I’ve transferred all of the powder into. It looks really nice. I’ve had 400 calories so far today, so I’ll make two cups of hot chocolate later today. I got my dad to print out some of the articles that’s on the curriculum for one of my subjects, so that I’m a little prepared. There are more articles that’s on the curriculum, but those aren’t available yet. I got back from shopping at like 17.30 ish, didn’t bother to meet up with my friends. I was tired, so just wanted to go home. It’s weird that university starts again in like two days.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

15th of August ~ 12.54 p.m.

Weighed myself again. 76.8 kg. So 900 grams down from yesterday. If my body acts the same way now as it has previously done, it’ll drop significantly tomorrow as well. But that’s not guaranteed. So I’ll just have to wait and see. I think the plan for today is those thin Oreos and one cup (or two) of hot chocolate. I think that’ll be good. Yup yup yup. I feel pretty good today.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

15th of August ~ 09.32 a.m.

Weighed 77 this morning, so 0,7 kg less than yesterday. I’ll wait a little while before I drink anything, and hopefully go to the bathroom once more, and weigh a little less. The question is if I can get down to 76 in like two days. I mean, we’ll see. My stomach looks a lot slimmer today. That’s always a good feeling. I know that I won’t drink as much water today as I did yesterday. 3 liters a day works well enough. Maybe like 0.5-1 liters more. But yesterday I had 6 liters, which is not necessary and it kind of hurt. And that’s really not good.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

14th of August ~ 23.50 p.m.

Yesterday was rough. It was really rough. I’ve never had such a strong urge to binge. Ever. It was all I could think about. I even considered cutting my card in half so I couldn’t use it. But in the end, I was able to resist. And thank god for that. Today hasn’t been nearly as bad. Like at all. So that’s really good. I’ve had about 600. I’m happy with that. I’ve had too much water I think, 5.5 liters so far. Which is almost double the amount that I normally drink. I really hope I weigh less tomorrow. If I don’t, I might just break down and eat everything in sight. I don’t know what I plan on eating tomorrow. I’m meeting up with my brother at 2 p.m. to do some shopping. I’m guessing I’ll be back at like 3, or 3.30? Then I’ll stop by my friends for a bit, because they’re meeting up. Maybe I’ll stay there for like an hour? Or? Until 4 maybe? Then drive to my dads, atay there for a bit and then walk home. So I’ll be back at my place around 4.30-5? That’ll be good. Kill as many hours as I can, in order to postpone eating. Don’t really know what I’ll eat. I’m in the mood for candy actually. Or those thin Oreos. They’re good. I should eat some of the food I have at home, but I really don’t feel like it. So therefore, I won’t do it. Simple logic. If I hit 76 on Monday (which has been my goal for two months now), I will treat myself to those cookies on Monday evening. I’m exited to only weigh myself once I week, because then I don’t have to worry about water weight if I chose to eat more salt one day for example. Or more carbs. If I just don’t do that like the two days before my weekly weigh in, I’ll be fine. But since I’ve weighed myself every single day this summer, without fail, my brain will go crazy if I don’t weigh myself these final three days. So that’s what I’ll do. I’m really noticing that my thighs and legs are a lot smaller now than at the beginning of the summer. Which is great. I actually think that my body is built in a way where it’s possible for me to get a thigh gap if I lose enough weight. I think I’ll actually have a thigh gap if I only lose a couple of inches around each thigh. Hopefully. That would be nice, because my thighs have always been gigantic. I think a end of the year goal of 65 kg is feasible. And I want to weigh under 60 kg by the time I finish my bachelors degree in June. And if I manage 65 within the end of the year, I’ll certainly manage below 60 within the following 6 months. Easy. And even if I don’t manage 65 within the end of the year, I’ll still be able to get under 60 by June. I’m completely sure of it. Imagine seeing the number 5 on the scale though. That would be absolutely mad. Insane actually. It would be amazing to hit just 60. Because that would mean that I’ve lost half of my body weight. But anyways, I’ll take one step at a time. Down to 70 first, then 65, then 60. And then hopefully a couple of kilos less. And if I get the surgery, I’ll be able to drop a couple of kilos for free. Without any effort. That would be cool as well. But I’ll be happy with 65 kg honestly. As I said, I’ll just take things one step at a time, and then see where I end up, and where I feel comfortable at. I think I’ll feel close to skinny once I get below 70. And that’s not that far away. But I just have to take one day at a time, and then I’ll get there eventually. I know it. I just have to keep going for a while longer, and be patient and strict, and forgive myself if I binge every once in a while. Because a binge is not the end of the world. It may add on a couple of days before I reach my goal weight. And does it really matter if I reach my goal weigh on June the 3rd instead of the 1st of June? Not really. But the problem occurs if I end up binging way to often, because that’ll lead to several weeks added on the final date. So I can’t use that logic to allow myself a binge, but rather as a way of forgiving myself if it was to happen. You know, I’ll try my very best to avoid it. I have been able to avoid it multiple times, but it’s bound to happen again at some point. And when that happenes, I’ll be fine.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

13th of August ~ 21.44

Today is so shit that I don’t even wanna talk about it.

[iamjustexistingandstuff]

12th of August ~ 23.02 p.m.

Pretty early on today I decided that I would eat more today as well, but not as continuously throughout the day as yesterday, and not as much as yesterday. I think my weight was like 76.3 kg or something. Around that. Going back to my normal tomorrow. I’ll meet up with my mom tomorrow as well. Had a friend over tonight, and that was nice. I’m noticing that my motivation went immediately down after my appointment. It was motivating before that, because I HAD to be a certain weight within a certain time, I didn’t have a choice. But now I have a choice, even though I still have a lot of weight to lose. But I just feel so tired. I want to have another deadline like that. A deadline that isn’t dependent on me, if that makes sense. Well, I mean. I have to be 76 within Monday. That’s the goal I’ve had all summer, and I’ll really be mad if I don’t make it. Because if I make it, it’ll seriously be the first time ever that I’ve hit a weight goal within the time limit I’ve set for myself. That has never ever happened before. And it would be really cool if it happened. So I’ll make it happen. 76 or under within Monday. I have to make it. I’ll be so disappointed in myself if I don’t. I have to get back into my skinni mindset that I had a week ago. I was on a roll. I have to get back on it. So 76 within Monday, cut all of the salt so I don’t retain any water. Just get my weight down as much as possible. After the 17th, I’ll reasses. Probably take things a little bit more slowly, and weigh myself once a week. I have to get back into my mindset. I just have to. I still have 15 ish kilos to go. I can’t start slacking now. Even though it’s still a lot of weight, I’m getting so close. And maybe that’s what’s making me lose some of my motivation. I really don’t know. My mind works in mysterious ways I guess. I think the main reason why my motivation is kind of lost is this. The whole reason I started losing weight in the first place, was because I wanted small boobs. Which didn’t happen. So I worked hard to lose more weight, so that I would hopefully be qualified to have surgery. And I’m just really scared that it won’t happen for me. Which would suck, because this is what I’ve worked for this entire time. I’m just scared I guess. But I’ll know that I will be able to get the surgery in the end, one way or the other. Because I will. I’m just impatient because I’ve been wanting the surgery for three years or something. But I have to keep going. I just have to. So I’ve had a two day break. It’s been nice. But I feel better when I restrict, so I’ll go back to that from tomorrow. The final sprint. The final four days. I’ll get to 76 or under in those days. It’s doable. Unless my body decides to be a stubborn little fucker. I still wanna be a skinni legend. And hell, I will be. I’ll be that skinni legend. I’m really exited to be that person. Or I will still be the same person, but I’m exited to look like that. I want the fat my thighs to not hang down if my leg is straight out. I don’t want thighs that jiggle, and I want a gap between my thighs. I don’t want a big ass. I want a completely slim waist. No trace of love handles. I want a slim back, where I can see my shoulder blades. I want a chest with small boobs and visible collar bones. I want slender arms. Skinny wrists and fingers. I’ll get there. I know that I will. I just have to keep going for a while longer. In six months time, I’ll be there. I can easily drop 3 kg a month, minimum. That’s 18 kg in 6 months, which would be 58 kg. 3 kg a month for five months and I’ll end up at 61 kg. And for four months, 64. I’ve got this. I just need to keep at it for like four-five months more. That’s really not a long time. Like at all. I can weigh 63-64 by the end of the year. How great would that be. This spring, I wanted to reach that weight within next summer. But if I keep going, I can get there this year. That’s kind of amazing isn’t it? I really and truly believe that I can do this. No, I know that I can do this. And on the 19th of December, it’ll be two years since I started dropping weight.