iambicstrays

[iambicstrays]

today my psychiatrist was asking how ive been doing this semester and was like "how about friends?" and i said "mmmmm. no."

[iambicstrays]

i will take 2 excedrin and then lie in the dark for half an hour and for some reason that puts me in the state of mind where i'll have the most absurd string of words just materialize in my head so vividly and forcefully like if it was injected reanimator style into my brain i dont remember the last time ive had a thought come to me so suddenly and completely all at once and at the same time be absolute gibberish im not sure whether its the drug itself or my brain that needs to be studied but i think one or both

[iambicstrays]

the weathers getting colder and im listening to xiu xiu every single day, that means its bug girl season again 🪰🪰🪰

[iambicstrays]

only 2 states of being. its either "i deserve to die" or "my playlist is so fucking good"

[iambicstrays]

xiu xiu was incredible one of the best nights of my life

[iambicstrays]

last year the college mental health spiral did not arise until at least a few months in and was not nearly this level of intensity. the leaves havent even started changing yet what the fuck is going on with me

[iambicstrays]

i havent felt this horrible in ages like literally since things that were "core traumatic events" level bad and i dont even rly know why i mean its a lot of little things or i guess its a lot of big things and some little, idk i started crying out of nowhere and i genuinely couldnt stop sobbing i was getting scared that it would last all night

[iambicstrays]

a couple hours ago i was trying to stave off an anxiety attack by literally jus rotating robots around in my brain really hard and it honestly worked a little bit. embarrassing as hell

[iambicstrays]

i love being autistic and loving robots theyre just such a thing to be autistic about i mean come on theyre so

[iambicstrays]

i slept SO good for like 3 hours in my sickness induced mini coma and then i woke up feeling marginally but not completely better and unable to go back to sleep :/ i rly hope i feel better by tomorrow

[iambicstrays]

i woke up feeling sick n almost thew up -_-

[iambicstrays]

and ill never be happyyyyy and ill never feel normalll

[iambicstrays]

actually i feel so fucking alone

[iambicstrays]

i feel liek im gonna cry i dont belong anywhere im gonna go j.ack off tho

[iambicstrays]

would give anything to listen to scum with boundaries for the first time again