i-was-once-a--tortoise

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

evil demon monster attacks me and rips my eyeballs out of their sockets but i have a smaller identical pair of eyeballs underneath

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

there should've been an episode of house where house gets really into minecraft because the patient is a minecraft youtuber and house keeps calling them a pedophile but then house is playing minecraft on his psp somehow and he finds some mineral in the game and then suddenly realizes the patient is exhibiting signs of mineral poisoning.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

they should invent something you can have

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

listen. here's what you need to know. somewhere in the world, right now, a 12 year old autistic child is on their computer, creating a slideshow video tribute to an obscure hyper-specific extinct animal species, set to the most baffling song accompaniment you've ever heard. it will be uploaded to youtube, and get at most about 200 views. this is happening no matter what.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

clapping my hands together gleefully and childlike but then one of the claps makes the wrong noise and i stop in horror

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

BWAAAAHHHHH wake the fuck up everyone on earth

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

in inside out 3 the emotions should leave riley's head and go to the real world where they get lost in manhattan and it should be live action with james marsden as a traffic cop who helps them. they're being hunted by an evil animal control man played by some comedian from old snl that young kids won't recognize

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

AVERAGE NORTHERNLION DIALOGUE

Look, I'm fuckinnnnnnnnnn...! I'm fuckin' tired as bawls, dawg. [not switching his tone of voice at all] I think I lost some weight there, and I'm sure I need some rest, but sleepin' don't come very easy in a [enunciating precisely] straight. White. Vest. [pause] [reading chat] "Just go to bed earlier"? Okay, listen to me. Said the grasshopper to the morning sun, "No matter how hard I try and how high I jump, I can never embrace you", and thus the sun responded, "My brother, the mere act of being here is an embrace in and of itself." So beggars can't be fuckin' choosers, okay? Okay. [unpauses game (Poo-Poo Piranhas Jungle Gym Adventure) where the puzzle is to put the square block in the square hole and he puts it in the triangle hole] Dude!!!!!!!!!!!!

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

really freakishly tall guy listening to his favorite band, they might be small. idk man

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

"there's a steam sale on at the moment" oh no kidding dude. that'll be perfect for your choo choo train.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

have been informed that Stony Hallways is a really good name for a dwarf.

my dnd pet peeve is dumb but it's so boring when you go to a dungeon and it's just stony hallways with like skeletons and things aimlessly wandering around till you get there. what was this place? why was it built, and by who? was it an actual literal dungeon? who was kept here, and why, and by whom? who are these skeleton guys? these aren't rhetorical nitpicky questions, i think they're good things to ask yourself when making A Place, even if it's just for some quick dungeon-diving and loot-getting. give me some flavor.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

my dnd pet peeve is dumb but it's so boring when you go to a dungeon and it's just stony hallways with like skeletons and things aimlessly wandering around till you get there. what was this place? why was it built, and by who? was it an actual literal dungeon? who was kept here, and why, and by whom? who are these skeleton guys? these aren't rhetorical nitpicky questions, i think they're good things to ask yourself when making A Place, even if it's just for some quick dungeon-diving and loot-getting. give me some flavor.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

the thing about getting older is that you gradually learn that sometimes movies or shows that are thought of as "dad shows" are actually cool. am i a father? no and i never will be. is reacher cool? yeah. yeah it is. it's a really big guy who solves murders by being really big and staring at people. that's cool.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

I hired that ant to walk on you

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

scary horror movie slasher man with a mask and long sharp machete: heeuuurrgghhhh

kindly scientist: don't worry, it's an herbivore. its blade is used for reaching tall branches

(toddler-sized masked slashers with tiny machetes emerge from the big slasher's dirty brown overcoat)

kindly scientist: oh my god... it's a mother.....