i-was-once-a--tortoise

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

every now and then i check in on the adventure zone podcast to see how they're doing and every time, as someone who loved the show's first two campaigns, it just kinda saddens me. four genuinely funny entertaining guys try desperately to recapture the magic and success of a thing they made almost a full decade ago now, unable or unwilling to pull the plug because they still get just enough of a consistent audience and money from it to justify continuing it, even though it's kinda obvious to literally everyone that none of them are really into it anymore.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

you probably thought today was a normal Monday. nooooope. strong as fuck ice mummy again, sorry.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

YOU ARE THE MURDERKILLER. You have been put on this Earth to kill HUMAN BEINGS. You MUST do this.

PICK ONE OF THREE KILLERS TO ELEVATE INTO THE MURDERKILLER:

THE OIL MAN: Filthy bludgeoner. Dwells in rust. STARTER WEAPON: Lead Pipe.

THE SPINE: Depraved bone collector. Still in her father's shadow. STARTER WEAPON: Hand Saw.

THE CUTTER: Sickly blood-drinker. He doesn't have long. STARTER WEAPON: Butcher Knife.

Harvest TROPHIES from your prey. Display them in your ROOM, or bend and break them into AMULETS that will aid you in your nightly hunts.

Collect TERRORCOIN from VICTIMS before MURDERKILLING them by terrorizing them. Make them FEAR you.

Give TERRORCOIN to THE HALF-MAN who haunts your ROOM, in exchange for new WEAPONS, TOOLS, and revealing new hunting grounds. Ignore everything THE HALF-MAN tells you.

WE ARE THE VOICE IN THE WALL. YOU ARE THE MURDERKILLER. THE NIGHT IS HERE. START KILLING.

started working today on a game idea called YOU ARE THE MURDERKILLER. the title i feel is fairly self-explanatory.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

started working today on a game idea called YOU ARE THE MURDERKILLER. the title i feel is fairly self-explanatory.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

hey man i'm going on vacation for 86 yoctoseconds can you watch my pet hydrogen-5 isotope while i'm gone

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

imagine how much more fucked up the history of the world would be if eating someone's brains reliably conferred on you their memory and knowledge

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

evil demon monster attacks me and rips my eyeballs out of their sockets but i have a smaller identical pair of eyeballs underneath

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

there should've been an episode of house where house gets really into minecraft because the patient is a minecraft youtuber and house keeps calling them a pedophile but then house is playing minecraft on his psp somehow and he finds some mineral in the game and then suddenly realizes the patient is exhibiting signs of mineral poisoning.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

they should invent something you can have

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

listen. here's what you need to know. somewhere in the world, right now, a 12 year old autistic child is on their computer, creating a slideshow video tribute to an obscure hyper-specific extinct animal species, set to the most baffling song accompaniment you've ever heard. it will be uploaded to youtube, and get at most about 200 views. this is happening no matter what.

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

clapping my hands together gleefully and childlike but then one of the claps makes the wrong noise and i stop in horror

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

BWAAAAHHHHH wake the fuck up everyone on earth

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

in inside out 3 the emotions should leave riley's head and go to the real world where they get lost in manhattan and it should be live action with james marsden as a traffic cop who helps them. they're being hunted by an evil animal control man played by some comedian from old snl that young kids won't recognize

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

AVERAGE NORTHERNLION DIALOGUE

Look, I'm fuckinnnnnnnnnn...! I'm fuckin' tired as bawls, dawg. [not switching his tone of voice at all] I think I lost some weight there, and I'm sure I need some rest, but sleepin' don't come very easy in a [enunciating precisely] straight. White. Vest. [pause] [reading chat] "Just go to bed earlier"? Okay, listen to me. Said the grasshopper to the morning sun, "No matter how hard I try and how high I jump, I can never embrace you", and thus the sun responded, "My brother, the mere act of being here is an embrace in and of itself." So beggars can't be fuckin' choosers, okay? Okay. [unpauses game (Poo-Poo Piranhas Jungle Gym Adventure) where the puzzle is to put the square block in the square hole and he puts it in the triangle hole] Dude!!!!!!!!!!!!

[i-was-once-a--tortoise]

really freakishly tall guy listening to his favorite band, they might be small. idk man