i-get-a-lifetime

[i-get-a-lifetime]

upd8

things are definitely better than the last time i posted but still not the greatest. I was definitely doing that thing where I convince myself that my partner hates me. I saw them like the day after and since then everything has just been perfect and I miss them constantly. They actually do like me. However, I am so fucking paranoid and scared all the time. I'm so stressed that my period has become late and I took 3 pregnancy tests because I didn't believe the results of the first 2. I also keep worrying about what if I have cancer. Like what if I have to be torn away from the people I love and all I've done with my life so far is stress over school and money and work and it'll all have been for nothing. Despite this, I had a great weekend. We went to a great fucking barbeque place and started playing resident evil (which stresses me out but it's got a good enough storyline that I'm willing to deal with it). I also feel like my stress has got me kind of projecting on my friend and judging him super harshly. It's like I don't feel like I'm good enough, so I say some really rude shit about things he could change or do better, and even if I don't mean it I still need to cut that shit out because I can tell he's getting annoyed and I'm even annoyed at myself for thinking that way. I think things are going to get a lot better with my new job, because I'll actually have some free time to do homework during the week now! I hope this'll fix my stress issue enough to make all my other problems go away. I'm a mess!

[i-get-a-lifetime]

second tumblr post woohoo

lately I've been really romanticizing the past a liiiittle too much I think. I really wanna go back to like the 90s/early 2000s and just experience life like that for a bit. I feel like the world as it is right now is a little too much for me to handle. I wanna go back to when so many of the bands I love were just starting out, and when it was more popular to be all emo and shit. I can't handle the amount of stress placed on me as a college student right now. I can't deal with the amount of homework and knowing that I might not even be able to pay off my debt with my career. I wish I didn't even have to go to college. I should've gone to trade school or something honestly.

But I just feel I'd be so much happier and more creative without a device glued to my eyeballs 24/7. I used to read so much, now I just do nothing that brings me any joy. School and work take up all of my time without any sense of accomplishment. At the end of the day all I can think about is who I've managed to disappoint be it my parents or my teachers or my partner.

I really love my partner but sometimes I am so scared they might not really care about me past what I can give them. I love how goofy and smart they are and how they're good at making music and follow their passions, and I just feel that I have nothing to attract them in that same way. Sometimes I feel that they just treat me as an annoying little gnat that they can fuck sometimes and then ignore, knowing that I'll stick around because I'm obsessed with them. But then again, I have a terrible habit of convincing myself that they hate me, because I only ever focus on the bad and immediately forget any good parts of our relationship.

The only good thing that has happened in my life lately has been seeing MCR live. A month after we started dating, my partner spent a lot of money getting tickets to riotfest to see MCR for my birthday. This was in 2020. Now that that moment has finally occurred, I honestly don't know what is left to look forward to. It was legitimately the best moment I have ever experienced, and the time when I felt most in tune with my partner. Now I feel like I'm cosmically paying the price for that level of joy. I have felt nothing but fucking rancid since.

People say I'm funny but I honestly believe deep down that I am fucking worthless. I've always felt like I was boiling up to doing something important in my life, but lately I've been feeling so hopeless. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is honestly knowing that at this moment no one would really care. My parents have other children they've always paid attention to more, my partner has friends that they feel are more important than me, I don't have any pets. No one would care! I need to make something of myself, and make myself desirable and interesting so that tons of people will care when I fucking end it.

I think I feel this way because of how my parents treated my older sister compared to me growing up tbh. They never really cared about what I wanted, or how I was doing in school. They only ever really gave a shit about the oldest and the youngest, and I worked my ass off as a little kid to relish in the glory of parent teacher conferences, where my parents would have to listen to someone tell them about how great I was. Now I'm in college and trying to do well, but they only really care about my oldest sister who moved back home. Oh well! Everytime I disappoint them in some way I justify it by telling myself that I'll buy them a cabin someday. But I'm starting to wonder if they even deserve it, or if it's just another way that I'm sucking up to them in the hopes of getting attention.

Like I think the stress of college and needing money might have me being a little bit too suicidal lately, but I don't know if it's just that or that I've been lying to myself for so long about life being worth living. I got a parking ticket before work the other day and I was legitimately considering drinking cleaning solution in the freezer, so no one could stop me but my body would be found relatively soon after. Every single thing that goes wrong lately feels like another sign to just end it. At the end of the day, idk if I'll kms or not, and I don't think I really want help deciding that.

Anyways! I'll talk about something positive! I really fucking love MCR. All of their music just cultivates the perfect vibe. It's campy, but at just the right level to make me feel like a badass listening to it. Vampires Will Never Hurt You is one of my favorite songs of theirs (after It's Not a Fashion Statement) and hearing them play it live was fucking unreal. Seeing them made me want to make music that makes other people feel the same way mcr makes me feel. I want to get to the same level of cool as Gerard Way, and then I can end it and just live on in people's minds as a cool bitch for eternity.

[i-get-a-lifetime]

first tumblr post woohoo

Ok so,

I used to have a tumblr but I never posted on it. And now I find myself with an Instagram spam account that I have become uncomfortable posting on due to me not wanting to block people, but not wanting them to see what I've got going on in my head. So here I am! I suffer from the modern issue of needing someone/something to bare witness to my terrible fucking life, while also being too much of a coward about it to expose it to the people I see regularly.