i-dont-want-to-be-listened-to
Zzzz Just thoughts I need to get out
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Don't try to comfort us on any of these posts. We just need to say it. if you have something you need to say put it in the ask. no judgement here
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It's been a while since h used this to vent to myself. Alit has happened and for a while it just kept getting worse and worse. I've been working on what I call my toxic traits and I've been trying to move forward with only positive vibes and just keep going with life.
But since yesterday I haven't felt right. Yesterday was a birthday party for my brother and I. It was an Indian feast with games. And my brother brought him. For privacy reasons I'll call him almond. Almond was my highschool best friend. For years we were inseparable. He was my right hand man. Someone I never thought I'd loose. After highschool, the last time I saw him was when I was with an abusive ex. We went bowling and got food. Had a great time. After that sure we'd talk but not as often as I would have liked. And then when I got engaged to my fiance you were the first person I wanted to tell. I even asked you to be my maid of honor at my wedding. Although I changed it to a neutral 'homie of honor' everything was fine, great, the norm. Until I go to my grandparents for Christmas and find out you told my brother, who then told my whole family before I could despite knowing I didn't want to talk to him or my mom. (Though lately I've tried to forgive past grudges like with them and give another chance knowing people can change if they want to) when I brought it up I was frustrated and angry. I didn't know what I wanted you to say but I wanted you to know that it hurt that you did that. And that's when you snapped. Said I'm too much drama and your done. I said have a nice life. Those were my last words to you before I blocked you. I was wreaked for days but that was only the begining of further much more tramatic events in my life so luckily I was too distracted by worse situations To mourn the loss of our close bond. But now that I've grown and most of that is over after three years. Now that I'm working in a positive direction I felt the stung come back last night. Not that I regret telling my brother it was okay if you wanted to come, it's just that I wasn't ready for the negative feelings that came with it. Especially since it's been 3 years since those last words. I've reached out a few times trying to say a sorry to make amends by you wouldn't give me a chance or look at it even. You blissfully ignored it since you were the one to cut me off.
And then last night. You jumped in to conversations I was in with a happy smile , joking around as if nothing happened. I tried to act natural whenever I talked to you but it hurt. I couldnt even look at you as I passed because despite trying to forgive I'm still hurt that a friendship both of us swore was going to be lifelong was cut off like that.
And just more and more memories with you pop up here and there. I was reminded of the good days together and how we'd never have that again. Cause despite me trying to forgive and move on you haven't forgiven me for getting mad.
I don't know maybe it's petty and I just haven't gotten to the point I've fully let go. Maybe it's really just all on me and I should just have actual short conversations with you the rare times I get to see you in person and the rest of the time forget about you. Despite you being the person that I trusted everything with. And the person who knew me better than anyone could even imagine. Everyone I know now met me within the last 2 shitty years. No one stayed from highschool or before. No one knows who I used to be before the trauma of these last few years. Who I really used to be and I feel because no one else in my life knows the old me so so I don't even know who I used to be. It's like I hit the reset button at 20. And that's scary. That I was so intolerable, so cut off just trying to bottle everything back then so I didn't bother anyone, that no one was patient and eould stay. Like actually stay till I was ready to interact without feeling like I would be a bother. It terrifies me and gives me a horrible. Replacement self image in the hole that is my past.
In the end I wish you would have told me what problems you had with my habits so I could have fixed them before it ended a good friendship. I would have tried. And now I don't know how to face you or talk to you because there's still a large sting that brings tears to my eyes when I think of us and what happened. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to show it. Or one day you'll finally be ready to atleast read my apology. Who knows.
I guess I'll just sleep it off for now and find things to keep my focus so I don't fall back on this subject again. For now at least.
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I just want to sleep but my dreams have been intense. Lots of popping symbolism lots of nightmares that aren't exactly scary but long dragged out and often leaving me feeling lost as to what's going on cause I don't understand what's happening and what just happened I forget unless I try super hard to remember. Like a bad lsd trip where half way through talking you forget what started the conversation and it's just there's random topics sentence to secentance and all that.
When I look them up I guess I'm having stress dreams cause symbolism is telling me shit like you need friends, your lost, your lonely, your confused, your scared all that. What i wouldn't give for a night of sleep with no dream. I need the break
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It's been months and I stopped posting, ultimately bottling things up inside
I got a job but I'm scared. I haven't been employed in over a year and it's after a few days, after the first time I get sick, that I give up and quit. I'm scared for that first sick day. After a sickday I feel so nervous like people are going to judge me the day I came back for calling out and being sick especially with my chronic illnesses. I'm scared to get fired if I have a sickness episode that lasts up to a week so I quit before it can happen. I don't wanna do that again. It's stupid but I'm just so anxious.
A few months ago after my last post my grandma died. She had been falling constantly during the last few weeks. She couldn't feel her left side I had to help her up and around constantly. She was in pain. The night she died I had my friend over who was also an ex caregiver. We helped her and she was calling for me all night every 5-30 minutes I'd sit there with her for 10 as she looked around she was in a haze and didn't know what she wanted. My grandpa was kicking himself cause he couldn't help her due to his own age and pain. I'm really glad I stayed her during that time. Grandpa would have sat there for hours and pushed himself instead of calling for help. He's just that stubborn. I stayed up all night even after others had gone to sleep. I only went to lay down when grandpa woke up. We had a lot of talks that night. She wanted me to stay because they needed the help, she was so tired she just wanted to rest she was jealous everyone else could fall asleep but she couldnt. All that. I didn't fall asleep when I payed down.i just payed there waiting for her to call. After a few hours I got up to grandpa pushing her in her chair to try and get her to bed. I then helped get her to bed instead. I payed her down tuucked her in and said goodnight I love you. She said it back and after an hour I finally fell asleep. Another few hours later I'm woken up by grandpa. He's on 911 and looks frantic so I get up immediately as he tells me he needs help.
I go in. There's her lunch and roses from grandpa sitting on the night stand. She's laying there, her dentures are out, she's not breathing. Grandpa hands the phone and tells me to do for. Now I go to do what I'm told. But as I put my hands on her I just feel how cold she is. It was like the touch was draining the heat from me. Now I'm sitting here realizing she's already far gone there was no coming back as a lady on the phone screams directions at me. I start gently following her directions so grandpa doesn't freak out. I didn't have the heart to tell him since he was trying so hard. I just couldn't. Finally the first police officer comes in. The girl on the phone finally hangs up as he takes over. It was too much so I just went and held the door open for the police and parametics. Though in the moment I just imagined my grandma's ghost yelling 'leave me alone I'm tired let me rest' as them as they tried to bring her back. Eventually they have grandpa waiting in the hall. Our neighbor comes over to help comfort and explain the process to us since he heard the call on his radio. At this point my fiance and friend have moved me to the kitchen. I'm a mess thinking I should have done more, convinced her to get medical attention last night. Something as my friend and fiance hug me while I sob. I had to lock my service dog in her cage after my dog spent all night helping me take care of her. When they finally stopped trying after an hour they had someone come pick up her body. She looked peaceful when I first touched her but as I said my last goodbyes I could barely look cause after all that there was blood on her face. My dog was trying everything to hlget out of the cage as they rolled her out. Once the door was closed the dog went straight to the spot grandma died and played. After that the dog only sat in the spot that grandma used to sit in. Since then whenever people leave the house she freaks out when they come back after more than a week. Acting happy that they came back and we're there. My family came over the day after and just started taking and claiming her stuff. Pissed me off so much. After the initial breakdown I couldn't get myself to cry and they hugged me crying, all of them, saying I can't imagine what you sent through having to take care her thank you, but then the few weeks after started telling grandpa kick me out in a month I'm the worst I just abuse and take advantage of his kindness and all that. They didn't actually care and how they acted and talked about me showed it. My mom came back into my life and tried to control it but when I said no disowned me and my bio dad told me that I need to apologize for how I've handled things,(I got distant and closed off and I don't message him or visit cause they guilt trip alit and I can't handle that right now and that is the way I grew up to survive. It's the only way I know how to handle things. I mean he wasn't there I didn't even meet him till after I was 19.) So idk if I'll actually continue to associate with him cause a lot of the factors aren't my fault.
I don't need the family who can't empathize and care. If they want someone they can bend to their will it's not gonna be me.
Ontop of all this the crazy bitch and my old group who have been destroying my reputation with rumors as much as they can in all my areas of interest were suing me 3 times. We only have one more case to go to but I'm just so tired. They kept saying my fiance that was protecting me was dangerous and I was posting about them ect with no proof so I gathered 700 screenshots of proof including some videos as well but despite the cases being dismissed, she still is going around the communities surrounding 2 of my biggest hobbies talking shit and getting people to hate me block me and spread rumors without getting my side. It's tiring and I even made new accounts due to the bullshit.
My grandpa gave me until my birthday to get out but my fiance hasn't gotten a job, 2 roommates bailed and the other roommate quit her less than part time job cause it was too hard to get there. I'm the only one making money and we have less than a month and I just started. Grandpa said if we need longer he can extend it as long as everyone here is working. I'm trying to get to that point.
It's all really fucking hard. I just hate myself at this point. The things that bring me joy I'm scared to post because of the rumors, outside of my hobbies my friends left again band I'm down to a small handful who actually care enough to talk to me. I keep thinking back to loosing my best friend cause he told my family about my engagement a month or 2 before the official announcement we wanted and he said I'm too much drama and he's not willing to deal with me anymore
That hit hard. He was only of the last people I expected to hear that from. It makes me wonder how many people close to me actually feel that way but continue to tell me I'm great.
Even my internet friends left. In one night they went from 'your a godess' 'i have a crush on you' 'your baby's to 'your the worse you use everybody for your ego ' 'you never cared about us' all cause I told one to shut when they said maybe my fiance just wanted time away from me and didn't want to tell me.
I've just given up this year, people who want to leave me can leave at this point, I just want friends who actually want to be in my life and care about me. I know I'm a shit person but at least I'm trying to work on it. I just need someone to tell me everything wrong with me. Just go off full honest opinion no holding back. So I can take it and better myself. Not that crap of there's nothing wrong with you. Just tell me I'm a bitch like your all probably thinking..
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It's hitting me
My fiance is sleeping 14+ hours of the day since his car was wrecked and he's stopped going to work.
But I can't complain
Since sophomore year I've been in turmoil
Since my mom forced me to drop out and leave highschool, forced me into a college degree I wasn't ready for. Since my abusive ex snuck into my window when I finally escaped the abusive manipulative parents. Since the abusive ex roommate had me suddenly get an apartment with him just for his hands to wrap around my throat until I passed out just cause I didn't want to have sex with them. Since my manipulative friends who used me make jokes about me everyday and when I asked them to stop all they did was say 'im sorry your just such an easy target'.
My fiance
Soft, nervous and kind. He loves me to the ends of the Earth. He got me away from them. Shielded me from those months of harassment from my old toxic life.
But despite him taking the hits and getting me moved into my father's, a safe place there were still silent attacks. Ones he couldn't keep away. My step mom crying about how I do nothing. The family I wish to try and fit in with. The ones I thought I would belong with more still kicking me while I struggled to get back up.
Moving in with my grandparents wasn't the best idea either. My uncle Albert constantly bitching about us. But what was I to do. My fiance's family was going to force him to move 4 states away. So now we live with Grandma and Grandpa with our dog nova. I'm greatful to Grandma and Grandpa, they understand. But there's still that stress. Doesn't help most of my belongings are at my dad's and the longer I'm here the more ashamed I feel.
I'm useless
I do nothing. I cook sometimes. I have big dreams. I plan out my future restaurants. But I can't see myself getting there. So many people seem to believe in me, think I'm a strong leader, that I can do anything. Why? Why do they have so much faith in me... I'm not special. Since I was a kid I've been told that I'm a genius, I'll do great things, the chosen one of the kids in my family I'm gonna do great things. Some still believe that. Still put that on me.
But for a long time... I've done nothing with myself. Still friends and family. Especially new more loving friends, they believe in me and my vision. They think I'm gonna be great
I'm nothing but crap. I still around drawing to ward off my depression. I lay around and waste time. I do nothing but burden and cook.
I've tried getting jobs but it's hopeless. I've tried. I really have. I'm useless. What good do I do. I'm just here to support my fiance, watch over our dog and every once and a while help grandma and grandpa. If j didn't get out of bed no one would really care of notice.
I'm going to disappoint everyone who still holds hope for me.
One good thing I can do is cosplay. I run three cosplay groups make meet ups get pics and take tiktoks. I'm consistent at posting but that hard work isn't really paying off. It's not noticed much. I have a lot of loving supporters and I try to make sure to thank them endlessly but it isn't enough..
I'm don't have a job. We don't have a place to live that isn't freeloading. Some family like my brother talks shit behind my back. Could I just curl up and disappear? I don't want this anymore. It hurts. It's too much. I don't make money to help with anything. No job, nothing. I do nothing. Nothing at all. I'm nothing. Worthless.
I'm never even gonna get one of my restaurants. I'm not gonna be what everyone seems to think I can be. I'm sorry I'm such a waste...
I'm sorry
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Is this healthy
I've just been staring at the dark with silent tears rolling down my face as I stand alone. It's comfortable. Mostly because that darkness is what I envision myself in all the time. It consumes my thoughts so standing in pitch black darkness with no sounds but my own sobs feels like home. It's what I'm used to and when I'm in light I'm not this relaxed I'm anxious and on my toes. Cause everyone can see me. They can see the weakness and when they do they use it against me. They've done it so much this last month I've been sleeping for 24+ hours at a time and I just want to hide in the darkness. Give up my hobbies, give up everything
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I'm in pain. I don't know why but i just have this weight on me and i feel horrible and wanna cry and i hate myself so much rn and i just ya know. Like major mood drop and i'm scared of myself. I just have this guy wrenching hatred and i want to quit to rid my friends of the burden of me and make everyonefucking happy. I just i don't know i hate myself so much and i hurt but i can't bring myself to say shit.. I've fallen deeper than I've been in a long time. I can't tell my lover cause he'll blame himself and I can't tell friedlnds. I'm terried anddeppressee and I just want to rid myself from everything
Maybe if I become a worker drone for a company and get rid of my hobbies.
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How did this happen
We were just making pie, I got a little flour on him. It turned into a playful fight but I did get a bit mad when he shoved pie crust in my face. But at some point he just said fuck it and got pissed, leaving. He said clean it up on your own and went into the garage. So I locked the door and started cleaning. If he wasn't going to help then he gets to wait while I clean. Half way through sweeping he is even angryer and forces the door open. He said it'll be atleast 8 hours till he forgives me. It was just a playful fight that I thought would end in our and then cuddles. But now we are on different sides of the room on our phones as we lay down and I just want him to cuddle me. I've fucked it up. I knew it was coming 9 months together was enough everyone left earlier before him. I said sorry but he probably thinks I'm not. I love him I don't wanna loose him.
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