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i-believein-me · 3 years ago

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Loving you Through it Chapter 3 Jace Herondale X Reader

Three days. Three days of pure hell. It was already terrible to be in your head, but now there hasn’t been any relief, even with your emergency anxiety medication. The morning after he died, you made an early therapy appointment with Dustin to see him that day. He tried to get you to talk about it, but all you could do was talk about frivolous things and pace around his room. He was very understanding and he gave you a homework assignment to try and express your emotions and he gave you a harder assignment: to try and talk to Jace about it. After you could breathe again, you were able to use the navigation rune to find Dean’s body. He wasn’t meant to go on rounds alone, none of us were meant to, especially if you had a parabatai. He shouldn’t have gone without you. He should have waited! The parabatai oath has been on rerun in your head.

“Entreat me not to leave thee,

Or return from following after thee—

For whither thou goest, I will go,

And where thou lodgest, I will lodge.

Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.

Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried.

The Angel do so to me, and more also,

If aught but death part thee and me.”

The guilt and shame won’t leave your system. I was meant to be there, protect him, guide him. You didn’t care if he was the older one. Usually he treated you as an equal, the only time he didn’t was when a) he thought he was right or b) he was angry, but he typically always used to apologize. Why would he go without me? Did he not trust you anymore? Did he think you were too broken to help? Or maybe too fragile and vulnerable right now? He thought you were good as long as you took your meds as you were supposed to, and you have! You have taken it religiously everyday. Right now, it hurts to do anything. You’ve run around with your head chopped off. You needed to take care of the funeral, because you were Dean’s only family. Everyone tried to help, but you demanded to do it. It was the least you could do for him…probably the last thing you’d be able to do for him. Today was the funeral. Most shadowhunters laid down on the pyre with a seraph blade in his right hand over his heart. Then, they would be put in the City of Bones. Some prefer to be put in Idris, but not Dean. He wasn’t raised there. He was raised in New York, and that is where he would stay. Everyone was getting ready, and Magnus and Alec had already arrived. Since you found out that Dean died serving the clave, they made an exception and allowed downworlders to attend. Both Alec and Magnus were concerned about you since you were with them when he was out dying. Joclyn, Luke, and Clary said they would meet us there. You were even surprised to see Maryse and Robert Lightwood here. Then again, you weren’t really that surprised because Dean was an extraordinarily talented shadowhunter. He was well known amongst the ranks, and so were you. You were called the parabatai storm for a reason. Dean taught you well, and so has Jace. You were numb for the most part by now. It was better than feeling. You didn’t want to feel at all, cause Angel knows it won’t be a positive emotion. You got into your lace holow flare sleeve A Line white dress and walked over to your vanity. You put on your perfume and picked up your brush. You started brushing your hair slowly, feeling this hollow hole in your chest.

“Y/N…honey…it’s time to go.” A familiar warm, comforting voice filled the room. Jace. But I don’t want to go…I’m not ready. You continued to brush your hair and looked at the vanity and pretended you didn’t hear anything.

“Love…did you hear me?” You can tell that he knows you heard him, but you were choosing not to hear him.

“I don’t want to go Jace…” You actually answered honestly. That was the most sincere thing you’ve spoken since Dean’s death. You could hear Jace’s dress shoes as he walked across the room. He was dressed in a white vest. It was nice because if he wore a tux, it wouldn’t be Jace, and you could really use the normalcy. He squatted down next to your chair and started rubbing your shoulder gently.

“Darling, speak to me?” You gasp softly as a rush of emotion runs through you and you shake your head. You began to pick at your nails, trying to cause some kind of pain to cause this agonizing emptiness to go away. “I’m not ready…I’m not ready for him to go.” He looks down at your hands and notices you picking at your nails and puts his hands on yours and ripped your fingers from hurting yourself.

“You’re hurting yourself love…stop.” He whispered it to where only they could hear.You couldn’t look at him and you tried to pull your hands away so you could keep picking your fingers and he fought you back. He was obviously stronger than you were so it was easy to overpower you. He intertwined your fingers with his and he kissed the back of each hand. It then clicked in your head what you were doing and you immediately felt stupid and you couldn’t help the shame and humiliation that ran through you. You tried to pull away and he wouldn’t let you.

“I know this is probably the worst time to even say this…but i know…I know you struggle with…um…hurting yourself. Don’t hate him, but Dean might have mentioned it. He was worried about you…I don’t know why, he didn’t tell me specifics. He didn’t tell me your history, he just hinted about this. He was worried about you because he couldn’t always be with you…but I think it’s important for you to know I know…and I’m here for the long run.” He smiled softly at you and panic filled you. How DARE DEAN!! He promised he would never tell a soul. But he did. You shook your head as you thought about it and he waited for you to calm down a little. His thumbs rubbed the back of your hands and he kept his gaze on you trying to gauge your reaction and emotions. There was a knock on the door and they both turned to look and find Alec there.

“I’m so sorry…but…we really need to get going…” You forced a smile and stood up forcing Jace to sit back.

“Okay…thank you Alec for letting us know! I can’t be late.” You hadn’t realized you seeked out Jace’s hand but he squeezed it in a comforting way, letting you know he noticed and he was still there.

You all arrive together and you stop dead in your tracks as you look at the front of the room. There on the pyre was my parabatai covered in a white sheet. You must have stopped breathing. When you finally exhaled, everyone was staring at you. You realized everyone was staring at you, waiting for your reaction, and it took every last inch of your being to throw on your biggest smile and walk down the aisle. Everyone took their seats while you took your rightful place next to the pyre. The Silent Brothers began the service and all you could think of was what if I had been there? He would still be alive.

“The remaining will speak the name of the fallen.” You took a deep shuddering breath.

“Dean Matthew Whitelaw.”

“Ave Atque Vale.” Everyone spoke in unison and you bowed your head trying to keep all your emotions in check. The man leading the precession looked at you and walked to his seat and you walked up to the microphone and began to sing the song that was closest to how you were feeling, “The Next Right Thing.”

“And, with it dawn, what comes then? When it’s clear that everything will never be the same again.” You looked at Dean’s body and felt this overwhelming emptiness and grief overcome you.

“Then I’ll make the choice to hear HIS voice. And do the next right thing.” For the first time in a long time, tears fell down your face as you finished the song and then led the very last sentence before Dean would be burned.

“We are dust and shadows.” You held your hands to your chest hoping that you could maybe make this empty feeling to go away. You looked at the first two rows of pews and saw that everyone was crying as you spoke. You looked at where Dean was laid, pulled out your favorite seraph blade, put it in his right hand and stepped back. Then, they set him on fire and you stood and watched as your best friend, mentor, and parabatai burn.

“Bye Dean.”

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i-believein-me · 3 years ago

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izzy:

jace:

ragnor:

cassie: is subtly hinting at the fact, that by the time tlbotw events transpire, literally everyone is pretty much fed up with the general level of horniness

me:

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i-believein-me · 3 years ago

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SHADOWHUNTERS 1.03 | DEAD MAN’S PARTY

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i-believein-me · 5 years ago

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i think, here’s the best place for me to rambling about some shit since no one going to read it. its not like someone will read it if i ramble somewhere else, it just like...idk? im afraid about what ppl think......i shouldn’t, i know...i just....idk.......

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i-believein-me · 5 years ago

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