i-am-the-spaceman

[i-am-the-spaceman]

Nebula Creations on Insagram

[i-am-the-spaceman]

[i-am-the-spaceman]

jhgfdjdgf tea

[i-am-the-spaceman]

shamarra_alpacas

Red morning

[i-am-the-spaceman]

You’re witnessing the Universe’s frescos on the humble person of Jupiter. On the last photo, you observe a love story between the magnetic field of a pole and charged particules of the deep wild space. Their rotative dance is so passionate that it glows, crowning Jupiter of their love. 

[i-am-the-spaceman]

Untitled by slowhand7530

Please don’t delete the link to the photographers/artists, thanks!

[i-am-the-spaceman]

W̸͓̉̓ȩ̴̪͍̗͗̑͒͐̊l̴̼̭͍̜̔́̐͝c̵̪̈́͗̿͆͘ͅo̷̮̽͝m̵͎͍̈́̓̀͝e̴͉͍͈̘͌̾͛ ̵̨̌̐̀̎t̸͚̱̕o̸͉̮̙͒͜ͅ ̸̞̎͠t̵̪̹̝͇̯́̈́h̴̹͇̦̜͚͗̆͗̚ẽ̵͖̈̌̈́͌ͅ ̴̬̯̼͔̔͋̎̃v̵̢̙̑̑͆͝o̶͚̭͎̿͝į̴̧͊͠d̵̢̡̮̰̐͋̄̑.̸̫͇͕̘̜͌

[i-am-the-spaceman]

follow @isnt​ for more memes

[i-am-the-spaceman]

Trade all of my past for a looking glass

Upon reflection, I think I've made significant progress with repairing my relationship with my parents. I rose above the generalized existential resentment of a mismanaged childhood, seeing as the ball is in my court now.

There are 2 major moments that I hope mean as much to them as they do to me.

With my father: I sort of resented him for leaving me and my brother to fend for ourselves with my generously unpredictable and often malevolent mother when I was 3yo. But he actually fought for our custody my for whole childhood, but my mom knew how to pull the strings. She twisted our minds to think "if he really loved you, he'd be here". So he involuntarily became a C-lister throughout most of my development. But there were a multitude of crisis moments where he put his life on pause to help me and my brother--to bail us out and provide us a safe-haven from the hellscape of a dictatorship I was subjected to under my mother and her new husband. Yeah, I might have been the "problem child", but he went above and beyond on so many occasions. It took me a long time to see the sacrifices Jeff made in effort to give us a better life by proxy of joint legal custody.

So on his birthday this year, I gave him a call, and I thanked him for his unconditional support despite receiving the bum end of parenthood. I thanked him for always trying to make visits with him unique and memorable with trips and activities. From ordinary excursions to the zoo or museums, to expertly planned adventures to Florida, Tennessee, Yellowstone and beyond.

I thanked him for providing shelter when the abuse got bad.... for fighting for us when we showed up with bruises on our wrists and guts and backs and eyes... for advocating for us legally, even tho he knew Sallie was too crafty to lose, and Hennepin County CPS was to incompetent to do jack shit about it because my mom made more money than him. I thanked him for picking me up from the police stations and foster homes when I got myself into real trouble, driving me to court in suitcoats and ties he borrowed me. For visiting me in the hospital after my overdose. For driving down to Austin to see me after one of my attempts landed me locked up in residential. There were so many sacrifices he's made over the decades, and I acted so entitled to them, but now that we're both older and over the worst of it, it's my time to make it up to him. <3

~~~

The other moment of reconciliation Ive had this year was with my mother. We went out to eat, as we do every 6 months or so. This has just about been the extent of our relationship since a couple years after I moved out. (When I moved out, it involved a black eye and a police officer shaming me for trying to press charges on my oWn MoThEr). We dont celebrate holidays or birthdays, so I never really have any conventional incentives to interact with her or Harold. But this spring we went out to a Vietnamese restaurant and I paid for her meal. As we were waiting for our food, she pried into my life, cast judment on my appearance (hair, piercings, tats, etc.), and my asked me about my love life. I give her all superfluous answers, as Ive learned to. The less she knows about me, the less she can use against me. Im not even exaggerating. Eventually, after she realized I wasn't going to open up, she began to ask me about Jeremy. Both of my parents love to vent about my little brother, voice their grievances over him, speculate about his mental health and condemn his every decision like hes void of individuality because of lack of ambition to concede to anyones projections of the sort of life they think he should live (thats a run on sentence if Ive ever seen one). He's a smart kid--kind and creative. But just as flawed, troubled and confused as you'd expect from who's been thru what we have. I usually respond fairly straightforward to any shit talking about my brother with a very harsh conversation stopper like "not my problem, thats between you and him". But before I could, she asked me a groundbreaking question: "why do you think he's like this?"

And, the rest, verbatim (with context), is a richly encumbered exchange.

"Because he's mad at you" I responded insightfully, but bluntly.

She paused, then asked "Are you mad at me?"

"I dont see any reason to be" The words rolled off my tongue without skipping a beat. My mind had nothing to do with the formation of those words. My heart, which had agonized for ages and only wanted peace, spoke that sentiment.

"I dont see any reason to be"

There was a heavy silence as my mom looked down and grinned a relieved grin. I looked out the window and glew, because in that moment of objective truth, I had lifted the clichéd weight of decades of lingering spite. I thought about that exchange for the rest of the day, the week. And even think about it now, every once in a while.

It wasn't much, but a true release of resentment a spirit of amiability is the greatest gift I can give to her right now. And I think by relinquishing that power I had over her, I have created a fair playing field and potential for something healthy between us for the first time in 25 years. Since then, we've been able to have a more open channel of communication. Hopefully we can grow from there.

~~~

Im shaking as I write this. I hate this. But this is progress. This is overcoming the human condition. We all incur unjust injuries, but to heal with full knowledge of the pain is something monumentally human.

[i-am-the-spaceman]

This whole band is major cuties, major talent. Too bad I was broke and alone, pretty sure they hit up a bar after the show. I would've loved to bar hop in the U district. Cute area. Hope I can attend UW one day.

[i-am-the-spaceman]

In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved integrity. Do not lose your knowledge that our proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. 

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours.

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

[i-am-the-spaceman]

[i-am-the-spaceman]

In order to live, you need to engage in the experience on the terms of the experience itself.

In order to truly feel alive, you need to engage in the experience on the terms of the experience itself.

One has to stick their neck out in the action and be an intrepid piece of it without any guarantees of reward or safety, full skin in the game, to be the hero in your own story.

Let yourself find authentic experience as a reward for failure.

[i-am-the-spaceman]

High emotional intelligence includes the habit of predicting the emotional consequences of your actions and choices

[i-am-the-spaceman]

Jeffrey Catherine Jones

[i-am-the-spaceman]

5 years