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03. graduated college

i graduated from spu with a degree in art and digital media. real glad to have finished and was ready for something new. spent the last few months of school learning screen printing and meeting with administration to share my experience in hopes of some progress for queer students and lets be real, all students.

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My brothers. My life long friends. My great loves. My deep pains. My laughs, my annoyance, my frustration, my "goat gotten", my-they-understand-where-we-come-from. Worth it.

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Matt saved some fries for me. He said "I love you" before he went to bed.

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I was soccer dad today. Matt and I drove to San Bernardino for his game. Now we are in Ventura at the Vagabond Inn.

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Sad for time continues to pass, and we say goodbye to one season and continue onward into the next

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Zach left for college today

Lennox made a private Tumblr too We dropped of zach at college today. A lady in a pink jacket just walked by Lennox held my hand in the car. We surprised her at work after the soccer game. We aren't dating lol she doesn't have any feelings for me. I've let go of a lot I met a man who was stabbed in Oxnard and was smoking weed in his car by the Mexican place. He was kind and gentle. Smoking cigarettes alone is lonely and I don't want to do it again. It's not even that great. It took me away from time with matt, even if it's just being in the same room. Zach left today. I am thinking about all of the memories we have in our family. And I am so grateful. And I am so sad to "lose" it too. But the thing is - we have it all in our hearts. And in our relationships. In our zim zum. We have it all and it has made us. And we continue to be shaped by it all, as we move and breathe and step forward. It is all apart of us. And we can continue to grow and become, with this beautiful and painful and frustrating and wonderful life behind us. There is more to come. We don't know what it will be like. But each day we have a chance to wake up, we get to love and fight for love and learn and listen and speak and remember and hope and hold the hislop family that we belong to with deep reverence. There have been many special moments together. As well as many moments that are "just the passing of time", and all of it is sacred. I am so grateful. I have hope that Zach will grow so much at college, in SLO. I anticipate getting to be apart of his life for as long as Forever, as he changes and as I do the same, and as we meet for short and extended time. And as we text golden retriever gifs or sit in silence or don't communicate at all. He is in my heart, he is in my being, and I am in his. I don't need to be scared, or consider life thru a lens of scarcity. Thru a lens of fear that any moment could be the last. While I do hope to "make the most" of every day, I challenge myself to question what that means, and to look beyond a capitalist/success driven/fill your life/give ur whole good self away definition of that. I hope to hold each day with a silent reverence, deep gratitude, and a fight to love militantly, myself, my family, my community, this earth. I am connected by my very blood and breathe and body to all people, all plants, all animals. Aloneness logically does not exist. I am made up of my people. I am my people. I am my earth. I am with. I am not living in scarcity, aloneness, depravity, isolation. I am a creator, we are creators. We give and we take. We bless and we are blessed. We are the heavens and the earth. We are Adam and Eve. We are the image of the Creator. The creator is love, light and life. We are that. Zach is the image, Matthew is the image, Mom is the image, Dad is the image. We are the Hislops. We are love, light and life. Our hearts beat, our lungs breathe, our feet walk, our voices speak, our ears listen, our hands make and heal and touch and give and receive. We are good and we are hopeful. I am good and hopeful.

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We have been friends for 10 YEARS. I haven't seen her in 2 years, and we went right back into things. So grateful for Sara Mount Clara. And to God for a rich relationship spanning so damn long.

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I felt happy all day with my LB

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Lennox took these photos of me, and I am beautiful

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After my conversation with lennox on her steps in Eagle Rock

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Thursday night thoughts

It's funny that in church the culture was when you meet Jesus, and enter into the church family, you will feel loved and free. But when I leave the church I feel loved and free and I feel like I'm teaching myself that I'm loved and starting to believe it for the first time. When you know in your knower that you're loved and important, that changes everything. How can I remember this? How can I sit with myself and know that I am loved and important? That my existence is absolutely an unrepeatable miracle? That there are people who truly LOVE me and WANT me and KNOW parts of me? But even if all those people died, or abandoned me, or decided they hated me, or said careless things to me, or didn't reply to my text, or receive a gift, or like me, or look at me, or say that being a homosexual is not sin but the sex is, ---in the end -- and the beginning --- and the middle --- I am loved all the way through. I believe that before I was born, as I was growing and developing, and before, as I am connected to every other living "thing", I had worth and mattered and was connected and am connected and matter just as everything is. We are all connected and we all matter and we all exist. I don't need anyone. I can't rely on anyone. I can't control anyone. I can get up in the morning, brush my teeth, put on some clothes, make some food, work, eat, chat, work, think, take my pills, ask someone how their day was, and breathe and care for myself and brush my teeth and go to bed. And that can be a good day. Who defines what a good day is? Or what it isn't?

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Zita

Hickey on my neck, ash burn on my finger, sore back, 3:19, ate Zita out, she hella fingered me. I am happy and I am not that different than I was a few days ago.

"You are so easy to talk to, even with the language barrier

"You are beautiful

"You make me feel so good