i-am-deep-locked-blog - Tumblr blog

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I am officially over him. This will be my last post. After 10 months since i have fallen for him, i am done. I am not bound by 'what if'. I don't want him in my life anymore. I still don't understand what i actually saw in him. I thought he had great potential coz he was really ambitious. I thought he will be my perfect travel partner. I thought he was good looking, an arm candy. But non of that actually matters if there is no love or respect. We talk only when he wants to. He either leave my texts on read or reply something like yep or k. Is that what i want? He is never thoughtful, not a gentleman, just does the bare minimum to keep me hooked. He doesnt genuinely care about me. All he cares about is himself. I dont know if he has real friends. He fucked up his life by partying with his so called friends only to end up totally screwed. He doesn't have genuine friends. All he has are friends all over the world who won't be there for him when he needs him. That's not the life i want to be a part of. I have friends who mean the world to me. I know they care about me. I know how i need to be treated. He is just using me and thats all i am to him. And at last i see the light... He was never my type. I deserve someone better. Way better. I deserve to be treated better. I deserve care and love and loyalty, and he offers none of it.

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He didnt wish me on my birthday even though he knew. And that actually did it. The way he ignored me made me wonder what the heck i actually saw in him. Do i actually think that he can make me happy? I have to beg him for his attention, and he rarely gives it. He's got this heavy baggage of exes and past flirtations and loans and everything. Hes not emotionally or financially stable. He is so isolated from real human connections and goes in search of validation from some random girls. Why doesn't he see the real people around him, whose who love him and value him? Why is he running away from them? He is scared of attachments and connections but he preaches about having connections. He thinks everything is great abroad and that india and his indian friends suck. He is really out of his mind. He has no real friends but lots of hi-bye friends. Life would suck with him, he is too selfish for my taste.

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The reason why i felt so lost and lonely is because i was relying on him for my happiness. I depended on his texts and calls to make me happy and i wanted his likes for validation. I was totally blind to my friends, the real close ones who loves me. I isolated myself from my family. All for what? I lost my peace and mind for a guy who was ignorant about my love and all the drama. Everything i needed was right in front of me, love, care, affection.. But all i did was chase after the one guy who was unavailable. Its all my fault. It was I who created all the scenarios in my mind and believed it was true. I made up this story in my mind that he was too shy to admit he loved me. But no. He never loved me. He called only for his benefit. There is not one instance where he did something selflessly for me, not even a little respect was given. I tell myself that he was distracted, but is that a reason? I should have walked away from him when he stopped respecting me. I shouldnt have lended him money, just to see how he would react when he couldn't have his way with me. I shouldnt have been this weak. I should have guarded my heart better.

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He's gone. He went to Germany more than a week ago. He called me after 5 days to give me his new number. Also, i got to know that he hadn't told any of his friends about going abroad. Only me and one other guy. All of this either shows that he likes me as good friend or that he is just reassuring me to keep my trust, since he has borrowed money from me. Either way, we still has something to connect us, friendship or money. I have accepted that he is not mine, but i miss him. I can still smell him and his memories make me happy and sad at the same time. He is my cocaine. I have no idea why i fell for him. Initially it was his looks, i agree. But looks don't keep me hooked unless i see something i love in him. I cannot pinpoint what, but i think it was his approach to life, to win, to be better, to erase his past, and his need for a new life. He craved change, he needed deep emotional and spiritual connection and he was willing to take risks. But now that he's gone, i have zero chance. I can't make him fall for me as he will be focused on his life there. And i need to focus on my life too. I need to grow as a person, improve my proffessional life and live a life worth living.

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The dilemma

Whenever i google 'how to get over him' , the first thing that pops up is to delete all his pics, delete his contacts, unfollow, block, unfriend blah blah blah... But what if the guy you fell in love with (alone of course!) is your friend, a very close friend? What if you can't cut him off from your life like that? What if he calls you sometimes just to talk to you? That's why i can't move on and forget him. I can't let him know how deeply i love him. Because what if he gets to know the depth of my love, the borderline maniac love i have for him, and feel disgusted and betrayed? I am 100 percent sure that he will never fall for me. I know what kind of girls he likes. He has talked to me about his exes and the first thing he said was 'damn, she was beautiful '. That's when I knew I was never gonna be an option to him. And i chose to be his friend, the loyal one always supporting him. It broke me, it is still breaking me. But i can't stop it, because I'm scared, because my self worth is non existent, i am a girl who is too weak to fight for what she wants the most...

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“I can’t breathe and it seems to be that you’re the reason why.”

— P.G.G

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“Sometimes it just makes sense when a person makes the butterflies in your stomach flutter or makes you smile the widest or makes you want to do the craziest things. Sometimes it just makes sense that it’s love.”

— P.G.G

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We saw, we talked, we flirted and I fell in love, alone.

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I've always loved alone. I've never been loved back. I will never be the one. I'll always be the ugly friend, the one in the background. I've never felt special, I've never felt beautiful, and I've never felt wanted. I'm scared of telling him that i love him. Im scared that after i open my heart and pour out everything in it and bare my love, he'll say no. The truth is he will say it. Because guys always want a fair and beautiful girl and never a dark not so pretty girl. He tells me that the timing is bad, that he has to concentrate on his future and that he does not want a distraction now. But darling, there is no such thing as a bad timing if you love someone enough. He doesn't like me and he's just telling that nicely. But i think I got my closure. Now i won't wonder what if, because now i know its hopeless. But there is one thing that I'm sure of , that i loved him deeply. I loved him with all my heart that i became so vulnerable. I loved the whole of him, with all his flaws. I loved his voice, his smell, his touch, his smile, his laugh, his eyes, his mind and his soul.

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Unrequited love..

Unrequited love is the cruelest kind of love, the kind that almost kills it's victims. Of that I'm an expert. We are the walking wounded, the rejects, the unwanted, the unloved. Everyone talks about love stories that are mutual. But no one tells our story. We feel like we are not worth being loved. Like we dont deserve a happily ever after. We consciously hide our feelings, lock it up from everyone, because we know that we'll be rejected. And the pain of loving alone is better than rejection.

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One sided tragedy

Unrequited love is devastating.

Its been almost 10 months since I've fallen in love with him. Its been more than 7 months since I've had this intense pain in my chest. After i came back home from college, i started missing him so much, too much that i felt like being hit by a bus. I've never told anyone about this. I just can't. I can't bear the fact that he has a life I'm not going to be a part of. It is killing me. I know I'll never hear from him again once he gets to Germany. He's not even responding to me now. He is so much distracted with his new life. It breaks my heart everytime i think about him. I've never felt like this before. All of my other crushes were just imagining cute scenarios with them. But with him everything hurts. I wanna hold him, kiss him, hug him, take care of him, marry him, have babies with him, grow old with him. I'm breaking inside at each thought but i can't stop thinking about him. Why did i fall for him? I knew it wasn't gonna work out. I thought i used my brain when it came to love. But i guess not. I feel stupid sometimes. I feel empty the other times. It hurts just at the thought of never seeing him again, never talking to him, never hearing his voice, never texting him again. It physically hurts so badly. I feel like telling someone. Him? Should i tell him? Anyway we are not gonna talk again. So why not just tell him how i Feel? maybe opening up to someone will free me. Maybe if i tell him I'll get a closure. Maybe thats what i need. Closure. I need closure. Maybe that will help me get over him once and for all. I think this is my first love. The first time i actually fell in love. But with the wrong guy at the wrong time. But i love him. Because he's on my mind 24*7. Distracting myself with other guys didnt get too far. I'm stuck with his thoughts.

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Sometimes you fall in love with the most unlikely person. But what hurts is when they don't.

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Well, love is strange..

Love is strange in every possible way. You cant control when and for whom you feel it. For me i felt my first love for the wrong guy at the wrong time. Actually i didnt know what falling in love meant. I thought it was the harmless crushes i felt a hundred times. But after i saw him, i felt it. The deep, uncontrollable feeling, where every moment of your life revolves around him, when nothing else matters, just him and only him. Seeing him, being with him becomes as essential to you as breathing. You gravitate towards him like a moth to fire, always wanting to be around him. You become physically and emotionally dependent on him. And when you are with him, you notice every tiny detail about him. The way he smiles showing his slightly crooked teeth, the way his forehead creases when he's thinking, the way he gets frustrated and angry, the way he looks at you when he drives, the warmth in his voice when he says your name, the way his voice goes to a higher pitch when he's tensed, the way he holds your hands when you're too sad to talk, they way he gently caresses your finger while talking, or the way he playfully touches your hair. All of this causes you to feel a whirlwind of emotions. You want to see him all the time so you say yes to everything he says, you feel like staring into his eyes while he's talking and steal glances at him when hes not with you. You want to touch him and feel him so you purposely touch him like it was an accident. You want to kiss him and hug him so badly but you keep it to yourself. You call him and text him all the time and when he calls, you get so happy and giddy. And when he holds your hand or gently touches you, you feel your stomach flipping, butterflies fluttering ,you feel like he's the one for you, like nothing else matters.

But these are the good parts, the falling in love stage, where everything is romantic and beautiful, times when you feel on top of the world. But soon you realise it was all just a phase he'll soon forgets. He'll stop texting you and when you text him he'll get annoyed and irritated. You try calling him, but he won't have anything to talk about. You see him and he'll look at you like you're a stranger, like non of this ever happened. You ask him what is wrong but he won't have an answer, you'll beg him to talk to him, but he'll just ignore you and leave you broken. He'll come back for you when he needs something from you, in my case it was money. Even if you're just grass for him to stomp on, you saw your world in him. So you take whatever he is offering. You get high each time he calls, even though he does that for his own selfish needs and not because he misses you. Every conversation is about him, never for a second he stops to think that you have a life too. You know every single detail about him but he knows nothing about you. You realize that you are being treated like dirt but its too late. You cant stop loving him let alone forget and move on. He'll say sweet things just to keep you there, just to stroke your ego, enough to feed your burning love. You are by this time chained by his charm and you can't escape unless you completely remove him from your life. This is the part where you stop falling and crashes down because he wasn't there to catch you. You break your very soul, your heart shatters into pieces, you feel pain that is unbearable and you find it impossible to stand back up. You look for him, but he won't be there. You call out to him, but he won't hear you. You lay there, broken and lonely coz no one else knows you're there, helpless and wounded. You lay there forever, willing yourself to heal, trying to stick together all your broken pieces. You try to stand up but every inch of you hurts, the sharp edges of your broken pieces piercing you when you try the slighest of movements.

Maybe i am victimizing myself and making him the bad guy. Maybe I'm too naive to think that just because a guy showed interest in me he's in love with me. Maybe he is blissfully unaware of all the drama happening inside my mind. Maybe he sees me as just another one of his numerous girl pals. Maybe he is distracted, maybe he wasn't lying. Maybe everything just occured in my head.