hyacinthcare

[hyacinthcare]

I wish someone really loved me. I'm not good at crushes, and as much as I try to convince myself that I am one night stand type of person, I don't think that's true. As much as I don't look it, I'm anything but casual.

[hyacinthcare]

hate when people are like "trust your gut! listen to your intuition!" like okay well my gut is telling me every person i lay eyes on is hunting me for sport and my intuition is saying i should find a secluded cave and live there forever so what do you suggest i do with that information

[hyacinthcare]

i think, in part; that skittish people will always need to have a way out. I think it's really comforting to them if they know that if they need to flee then they can. loving someone like that probably should include being comfortable with the idea that there will need to be an escape route for the skittish critter. even if they feel the most at home with someone they ever have, knowing they're not trapped is important

[hyacinthcare]

I'm tired of being fucked up and I'm tired of trying to get help. Why can't I just like myself.

[hyacinthcare]

First week of the new year, and I already spiral in self hatred, want to sh and cancel my psychiatrist appointment. We're off to a great start.

[hyacinthcare]

I'm so good at leaving space and going away, but, oh God, I'm so terrible at staying even if you beg me to stay.

[hyacinthcare]

*showing visible symptoms* oh my god i need help desperately

*symptoms go away for one day* what if im just faking it

[hyacinthcare]

Occasionally we're afraid of those eyes who don't even have the courage to confront themselves

[hyacinthcare]

Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

[hyacinthcare]

Why do I always break promises, why can't I just go and get help?

I'm becoming like all those people I never wanted to be and I'm very aware of it, but can't stop it. I'm a piece of shit.

[hyacinthcare]

[hyacinthcare]

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'cause i don't care if i loose my mind, i'm already cursed

[hyacinthcare]

I wish I didn't hate myself so much.

[hyacinthcare]

In school I used to be mean and hang out with popular clique. I wasn't a bully, but I knew well what behavior and what vibe gets you bullied. Now I'm older and the life taught me that all these people who I learned to look down at are actually the best people to keep around.

[hyacinthcare]

The weirdest thing about me is how I'm totally mentally fucked up and self destructive, but at the same time I'm the luckiest person I know. And I don't understand how it works. Why my brain works like that if I always get my way? I'm always protected and saved by people around me. No matter what I do, there are always people on my side ready to pick up the pieces. I recieved so much kindness both from my teachers and my peers. I had so many great opportunities in this life. Why do I still hate myself so much? Why my brain keeps playing tricks on me? Why am I always so anxious and paranoid? It makes no sense.