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hvuga · 3 years ago

Text

AMAE — JAPANESE

“To fall into the arms of your loved one."

TW: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH (MENTIONED), DEATH, ILLNESS UNIDENTIFIED, PTSD, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS .

FINALLY!!! for fuck’s sake i was dying to finally post this one shot to SHM and my relieve to FINALLY post it was freeing. I’m so sorry to post this late for anyone who will read it; it is my first time as a non-native english publishing it, so i’m so sorry for thr bad writing and the error conteined here.

ALL WRITING RIGHTS RESERVED © HVUGA 2022 | DO NOT REPOST, TRANSLATE OR CLAIM AS YOUR OWN. | DAYSLILY TEMPLATE | SASUHINA MONTH 2022 DAY #1: AMAE ; @sasuhinamonth

Reinstating himself in Konoha was a hard task, not because of the unwelcome aurea, but because of his discernment of the things that are meant to shelter his presence in the village. It took a long time for him to become accustomed again, and yet Sasuke was aware of every little thing that could be wrong for his senses, the discomfort and guilt in Sakura’s eyes never missed his sight, even silent, Haruno spoke louder than words, and Sasuke never wanted this mission if he knew the shit will hit the fan too soon without his presence.

The Uchiha District was a ghostly scene, and he never cared enough to make it otherwise, and something inside him hoped Hinata’s presence changed his perspective from the moment she became his wife. Yet, he knew it’ll be hard, for both of them adjusting in one house. He was still learning to be more open, for her, even if means dug in traumas he wasn’t fully recovered. He licked his wounds often he cost to admit to her, the unbearable feeling of being left to lift his own and his clan honor, and she is never upset for his habits, nor his resentment. Hinata just listened to him, with his large body clearly weighted against her tiny one, she embraced him as if he was her most prized possession, and the avenger let her, because it was the feeling of belonging that kept him sane.

However, the dread culminating through the damaged walls of the district telled him another side of the story: Hinata is drowning again. Sasuke discovered six months after starting dating her, when he felt the sun gradually losing its power when laid his eyes upon her, and for the first time in years his heart was pounding again with an aching worry about another person. He didn’t like the feeling then, and does not like it now. His feet dragged him on the way to his fianceé’s apartment, knowing damn well where she would be. He got the rhythm very quick after learning more about the Hyuuga, and was accustomed to finding her hidden through books, scrolls and some med-nin studies that he was sure she readed more than twenty times. This turn was not different, but the situation has gotten worse since the last time she lost her mind.

He knocked her door with a firm stance, imaginating she would ignore him for starters, and when he was about to do it a second time, the click called his attention, and blending with the darkness there was Hinata, or the shell where she was supposed to be living. Not a word came out of her mouth while both of them stood in the doorway, their eyes analyzing inch by inch of each other. Alas, Hinata was the one who could foresee all and everybody, and Sasuke was not saved by it. Instead of coaxing her into saying something, the Uchiha only let his fingers carefully trace around her features, the promising touch was not uninvited by the Byakugan princess, never was, but her flinching didn't help him think otherwise. "I'm home."

He said those words carefully, studying her reaction through his words, and one part of him lessened the tightness around when she got softer in her eyes. "Welcome home, love" Hinata replied, but it felt off, even if she tried to sound genuine. His fiancée was not there, not yet. Slowly, she made space for him to enter her home, and even if it sounds and appears to be messy, her apartment wasn't nearly as messy as Naruto's, if anything, it was more clean than his apartment. His feet followed her without hesitation, and just stopped when they reached the kitchen, where Hinata put her kettle on the stove and adjusted her tea set before them, but the words that came after made Sasuke suddenly forget his arounds. Hinata was looking at his face, but her white eyes didn’t reach his charcoal ones. "I'm calling off the wedding."

"No." Like hell she was, Sasuke was incredulous, and he hoped his features showed this to her. Besides being a vehement statement, Sasuke knew she wouldn't do a thing like this before thinking, and that line of thoughts hurt more than his pride. The trouble in meeting his eyes standed for minutes, but he wasn't retiring, not until she gave a real answer.

"Sasuke… Please" The fragility in her voice coolled his temper, he stepped back in his weariness, but he enquired for the truth, not buying this shit Hinata pulled off. He already was forming a possible scenário, most likely with that bastard of her father, and the click of his tongue sounded more resentful, startling her. Now, Hinata met his gaze, but the regret shined through them, and the urge to do something about it consumed him.

"I am not leaving until you show me what you are saying it's true. You’re not the Hinata I fell in love with, you are not like this." He spoke forcefully, trying to resonate with her, but he regretted as soon his words came out of his mouth. Hinata still has her backbone, as it seems, her next words boiling his blood.

"That 's the thing! I'm not her anymore, she was already broken, but now is shattered! She doesn't exist anymore! I am certain that you don't want anything broken, and now-" And the final straw finally let go of his rage, upset at how little she thinks of herself, despite being the only person who was actually good.

"Bullshit, that's the best you could come up with? On me, no less?" A bitter laugh ringed in her ears, and Hinata was back in the old habits of hers, stuttering and flinching, avoiding his gaze, making Sasuke click his tongue. He needed to stop himself before doing anything impulsive, especially in this conversation. But his honesty didn’t hold back, and he think is better like this, Hinata isn’t a baby and for fuck’s sake, she knows how to hold her ground.

“I’m protecting you, that’s the reason.” The answer she spitted made him lose his guard in the argument. “I couldn’t bear to live knowing that if you stay by my side, you’re gonna be dead, and I don’t want your blood in my hands, it’s enough. I’ve had enough!” Sasuke was speechless for the first time. Not surprised or shocked, but stalled by the words, because this was the first time that Hinata being selfless hurted him. Looking at his history, he was the one who should get distance from her, but he didn’t, all because of her. He was the selfish bastard who couldn't get enough of her. Hinata was shivering, tears spilling in her cheeks already red with the effort. His stomach dropped with worry, trying to come at her, to involve his woman in his arms, but she distanced herself, her head shaking with denial. "Please, just… go."

The former nukenin let his breath out of his mouth with resignation, his hips leaning into the counter, the serious expression finally in place. Sasuke reasoned with himself quite a lot, thinking ahead of his steps as if he was breathing. It came naturally after his hard life as a genin, and after that he made a survivor instinct. Now when he needed that skill, was thrown out of the window. But all that was unnecessary, as he watched with alarm the color drain of her face and before anything, he catched the Hyuuga in his arms, securing her to not fall, and the dazed look within her eyes told what he needed to know.

“You’re— Hinata, what happened? What happened in the hospital? Fuck, how long have you been—”

“It's fine, happens every now and then. I’m literally a medic, Sasuke, I know how to take care of myself, okay? Don’t worry for noth-”

“You literally fell on my arms!”

“And it is nothing! Go rest, you came from a mission…”

“For fuck’s sake, Hinata, shut your mouth and accept this help for you. I’m not gonna to leave you in this state!” He finished the argument and carried her bride-like through her room, and carefully, he deposited her in the bed, her neck dippin’ in the pillows with ease.

“Rough day, huh?” Scathing, Sasuke returned the topic knowing she would ignore him, but the fact she lacked to care for herself… It was shocking, but not unforeseeable. Hinata was a lioness when it comes to health, but only for the others, and he tired himself out trying to make her see the problem as he, and her other friends, saw it.

Hinata remained silent, not very comfortable with him sizing her with care. After all, who is she to deserve it? Heavens, she was supposed to die but Neji thought she was worth it, that she could’ve changed the Hyuuga, but now look at her mess: she killed a child because the treatment she indicated didn’t work. Worse than that, she watched Kameko die in the same way she watched him, powerless, unworthy of everything.

Why she wasn’t courageous enough to increase her dose, but the doubt always came in moments she needed the most, to be selfish, to be an horrendous sister and end it over in a minute. What in the world did she have, for Kami’s sake? Nothing, it would lessen the burden, for sure. But why not do it?

She was a fucking coward, that’s th—

“Was it Kameko? The little boy you're watching over for quite some time?” The blunt question woke her of the numb feelings, already tired of this, of everything. “Hina. . .”

“I killed him, Sasuke, I brought that pain for him, I let him suffer—”

“Hinata, you knew the case was strong, it’s not your fault, if anything, you tried your best.” He tried to sooth her, but the soulless look she gave to him made the words stop coming.

“My best wasn’t enough.”

He caught her hand between his, his thumb caressing lightly her knuckles, the best comfort he could give to her, but he knew it would never ease. The mourn wasn’t anything but easy to face, and even along with truest people, this could turn in the wrong direction in a blink of an eye. In his last effort, he sided her on the mattress, hand in hand, the words barely a whisper. “Do you want to talk about it?”

It ringed in the room with rueness, his own torment showing off in reflection of her emotions. He didn’t count how much time both were silent in their own world, but his ears perked at her breath released with chagrin. But he listened anyway, the minimal he could do it at the time.

She was still trying to finish her tasks at the hospital, with anxiety blooming in her chest as the time passed by her and the environment. Lucky these days were calm, almost monotone, and the work for Hinata were just check-ups, and bureaucracy paperwork. The Hyuuga heir prides herself for being efficient at those times, it means she could go home early and have a little time with her soon-to-be husband. Between her position as heir of the clan and his work as special guard for the Hokage, Hinata didn’t see Sasuke as much as she wished for, even for the wedding preparations. He tries to stay longer, but the repayment (one thing both agree it’s useless) to the Village is eager to suck Sasuke’s guilt as an act of service.

Bullshit.

Being the only Uchiha alive (as far they know at the moment) turn out to be a political and hard matter to deal with, the elderly council is pressing the Hokage — Kakashi Hatake, the ex-Team 7 mentor — to do something about it even if they know the Uchiha is marrying her (her father don’t let them forget about this, always wanting the ex-nukenin in the prison and away from her). Sasuke is holding it all in his shoulders alone, dealing with every hassle existent even after his involvement with Hinata, when she asked to hold alongside with him, because it pained her how he came more hollow as the time passed, it was a huge mess itself and they didn’t think that was possible to worse the situation more. At moments like this, the raven haired man would detach from everybody, even Hinata, and doesn’t show his face for a week. He will do his work, but his loneliness will consume him little by little if no one dared to step up and help him out of the darkness.

It was Hinata’s first time dealing with his PTSD, as a survivor and veteran of the war. She knew how her trauma worked out in harsh moments, but the single time she was unprepared to deal with his, she almost faced death. Sasuke tried to kill her, unadapted to discern her presence, and when she was able to restore her force, he was already on his knees, resolute to not look into her eyes, guilty darkening his features with sorrow and regret. He made her promise to not do that anymore, but she was silent all the way, still ringing his own pain instead of hers.

“I will never be at peace with myself again if I hurt you in any way” said the Uchiha for her, but she knows deep down the punishment got stuck in his mind. He was doing this especially for Naruto and Sakura, for his regret to be wash away with real actions, even if the Team Seven were more happy to have Sasuke with them as part of their dysfunctional family, they didn’t care enough about the sentence as long he was comfortable with it and was willing to do it — Naruto tried to convince him to break out and he would come with the story of his choice to stay in the shadows. The Uzumaki would deal with the council later, after all “these moaning bitches need to be replaced with people who lived enough to understand”, his words, not hers. — but the avenger refused so many times that ‘no’ became a second language for him.

Her thoughts about seeing Sasuke early was quickly pushed in the back of her mind when Sakura’s screams were banging on her door, forcing her to move with the same despair that her friend expressed in her tone, understanding nothing until Kameko’s name jumped off Haruno’s mouth.

Please, Kami, no.

Her heart accelerates on her chest, trying to process what is happening with him, reviewing what she did wrong, what she didn’t see, what she did to him to turn his state in so little time, Sakura hot on her heels right behind her, informing the situation. His illness was having the best of him, and even if the Hyuuga stabilizes before things get out of hand, she knew she will hurt him, disabilitate Kameko for the prior study of his case was an awful idea, even if Tsunade had agreed at the time, it was her — and only her — fault. She cannot bear to lose him, not for her mistake and not for his illness.

Knowing with the palm of her hand the way, she made there in a record time, stomping at the door and already seeing TenTen and Shizune using their healing technique on the little boy, who is not responding right away, and her anxiety crawled on her lungs, difficulting her breathing, making her lips suck the air present, nothing really easing her mind. Invaded by regret, she activated her kekkei genkai, trying to look at the most damaged part to fix it. Her search lasted five seconds, before finally realizing it. Kameko was dying.

Hinata’s fingers were moving on the little boy tenketsus, liberating their points to alleviate his tensions, which closed itself, provoking his last decline. While TenTen healed his other parts, easing the pain and discomfort. Gradually his signs stabilized, leaving the four doctors breathing with discomfort for using too much chakra, but what woke Hinata of her numb state was his little hand grasped on her sleeve, two green deep eyes looking right at her soul with tired acceptance, hopeless. Not even an ounce of accusation, innocent eyes feeling all at the same time. When he finally spoke, the indigo haired woman refrained herself from speaking, to tell him to rest. It was ending soon, she would promise, please let me save you, she would beg.

“H…Hina-cha..n'' Kameko mouthed with dim light of genuine happiness, Hinata blinked back the tears on her eyes, the lump on her throat making it impossible to digest her tears, when he tried to force more words to come out of his mouth, the soft and calloused hands of the princess lingered in his face, with a ghosted affection. Hinata noticed the pale skin and his dark bags, the signs of weariness he was suffering during the treatment. Another time, his little mouth tried to communicate with Hinata, and already feeling defeated by his stubbornness, the med-nin transferred some of her chakra, her fingers caressing his chin with affection.

“I…I’ll b…e good?” He voiced, his voice so weak that Hinata barely understood for a moment and inside, her heart breaking in little pieces, and she looked up to the white roof of the room, and when she gazed with a faint little smile, Hinata didn’t had the courage to say something more than a uttered “You’re gonna be fine, my little firefly” Then, Kameko smiled back at her, believing and drinking at her tiny string of hope. It pained her as much as seeing him get hurt from his medicines.

Finally letting him rest properly before his meal, Hinata faced Shizune with a worn out expression, not daring to look into her sorry eyes, and left the room with long paces and her heart heavy with guilt. Coming to her safe space would bring some air to her thoughts, trying to resonate in solutions for him, all over again. She can’t let him have all this pain to himself. He’s nine, nine years old, she recalled with sorrow, and then other images filled her mind non-stop.

One of them was his birthday at the hospital, how Kameko was feeble, and that day was especially hard for him, but her team made a little celebration for him, for his improvement, his progress in this never ending infirmity. He was so happy the moment he offered her a piece of his cake, explaining it was “a work of the two of them”, so she needed to eat the cake too.

She cried all night long after this, knowing how much hurt he was, how he will never be able to come back normal after all the treatment. Hinata ruined his life.

She is worse than an assassin.

A few hours later, Hinata was called by Tsunade in her office, ice spreading to her spine, expecting nothing good from Sannin's lips. Reaching her door, the Hyuuga knocks three times before hearing the hoarse voice of Senju letting her enter the room. A sigh left her mouth without her permission, watching the medic with resignation and acceptance, bloodshot eyes and watery lashes inducing she already cried enough for the day.

“Tsunade-sama, you asked for me?” Her own voice wasn’t in her steady tone, but Hinata tried to bulk up before her unprofessionalism showed any more in the conversation. After years living within the Hyuugas, the Byakugan princess knew almost every emotion after analyzing their posture, however, it wasn’t like the Senju were trying to hide her emotions, with an open facade and honesty flowing through her eyes. The reason for the meeting drowned her senses right after her question, and slowly drew her breath. Her stomach finally drops with the response, and is becoming harder to not feel the shame, guilt building their way into her throat. She didn’t make it, she would lose again, and her brain couldn’t grasp the fact with lucidity.

“Dr. Hyuuga, I’m sorry for you to hear that, but Shizune notified me earlier that Kameko wasn’t responding to the medication after the episode you stabilized his vitals, and unfortunately, she reported his worsening about fifteen minutes ago.” The lump in her throat became unbearable at that point, it’s coming all over again. Tsunade attempted to ease the request behind the words, her grieving were clear after words came out of her mouth. Hinata only acknowledged her words — is useless, she knows, but now she needs it. “He was asking you, to read a story.” And she won’t deny his request, she never did.

Hinata was slowing her pace, as if not believing she was doing this. He was about to graduate at the academy, just to be taken away from a disease, one that haunts every person who knew about it. Hinata couldn't be more disappointed and angry at herself because of that, she should have searched for more ways, more paths to follow that didn't need to let go of him. He was a child, for God's sake.

Her hand grew cold, afraid of facing his sweet face, to say goodbye to his smile, his eyes, his bright personality. Everything is remembering him. And trying to rip off the band-aid already, Hinata entered his room with a small smile, her eyes forcing the light to come out to brighten his day one more time. Gazing him on bed, Hyuuga was already his point of focus, showing true affection into his green eyes. On his side there’s a book, his appearance was old and too much readed through the years, but Kameko couldn’t care less about it, drawn to its words like it was the very first time.

“You’re fulfilling your promise, a‘ight?”

“Of course, firefly, I will never forget it” He made an effort to make space for her, and gracefully Hinata sat at his side, the book in her hand ready on the page. Hinata slipped her fingers through his hair, feeling his little body fit perfectly to her side, in a one-arm-embrace. Hinata read out loud the title with an uttered voice, soothing his heart pace. “The Solitude of the Winter.”

“There’s a time when the seasons lay upon the earth, particularly to watch how their work was advancing through the months, and alongside the humans, they lived as kings and queens. Each one of the four were tamed by how they decided to treat their people. The least connected with their sprout was Winter, the god is nothing like the warm, bright and cozy companions, distancing himself off them was the best choice. He doesn’t trust his power nor his reactions to them, and it was better like this.” A little huff escaped from Kameko and Hinata rolled her eyes, playfully, understanding very well what the kid was implying. He is the god Winter now.

“Sometimes, his fellow animals — the ones who could survive the deadly coldness that revolves his powers — asked so many times what was the reason for that, but as the same amount asked, he responded with a simple “I would be the cause of their death.’” Hinata made a icy and soothed voice, representing the character, smiling a little seeing the admiration in Kameko’s eyes “and was left alone in his own habitat, the solitude being his faithful friend until the end. Deciding to live his year away from the others, the god choses a wide space in the mountains to live there and not have contact with the humans, and by choice, with the other gods. He had lived enough for six thousand years, always repeating the process. This time wasn’t different for him. Or so he thought.”

A little gasp of surprise from Kameko made Hinata fully see him at her side, his eager look faking it to make her laugh, working every time. “What happened then?”

“Oh, you see… a little fugitive ran away from home, this girl was named Hima. She didn’t know what else to do, since her parents were consumed by hunger, and she didn’t want to live with his aunt, a severe woman who didn't like her at all. Climbing the mountain was the easy part, since she was so clever that every obstacle the god Winter put on her way was dodged. She slowly makes it to the castle’s entrance, enchanted by the intricate ornaments and ice sculptures, and when she was close to entering the place, Winter descended upon him, curious of how the girl survived all of his traps.”

“She was destined to reach it. If the Fates would want her to do it, then she will do it in any way.” Kameko stated, and Hinata stilled herself to not cringe at his side, disturbed at how this brought all of her memories with simple words. How weak and affected by it she was. Him is all what she thought nowadays, even after two years passed.

déjà vu. déjà vécu. déjà éprouvé.

Already seen, already lived, already experienced.

Trying not to run off this conversation, Hinata regained her control and came back to her telling, distracting both of them with things that could hurt more than before. “Yes, but Winter thought differently at the time, feeling that this girl was like nothing from there and she doesn't belong to the misery. He tried to tell her that, so many times, it wasn’t safe for a girl like her to live there.” Told with a somber expression. Kameko rested his head on her shoulders at this moment, listening intently, his breathing calm as a breeze. Hinata knew the steps by now, just waiting for his first snore.

“And what happened, Hina-chan? What the god did?”

“Step by step, Winter guides Hima through his castle, allegedly saying it was temporary, that she won’t survive within these walls, but she didn't seem to care, already feeling much better than her aunt's home. Oh heavens, what will he do now? Nothing scares the little girl, and the ancient deity was running out of ideas. Inside him, a little sparkle flew in her heart, not wanting to give false hopes to him, to grow fond of her presence. He cannot go on with this little game, he wasn’t warm and receptive as a father, Winter never was a father. The following days were filled with attempts of her to get to know him, but he bolted through the halls with the same idea of escaping a bonfire. It was welcoming at first, but if you are not careful and are diligent enough, you get burned into the fire. He is not willing to feel this sensation through his heart again.

Although, even trying his best to avoid the human kid, Winter didn’t obtain success. Hima’s efforts to carve a place in his heart were intriguing, and worked as fine as she wanted. Now, his heart and mind battled to set a verdict, he was conflicted by his own mind and ideals. The girl was earning her stay, doing what she could and couldn’t just thanking his help during these days. She woke up early to help in the chores, and she loved to see the castle build itself during her duties, especially when the lonely Winter was together, the magic was astonishing, making the feeling of leave almost pang her chest.

Unfortunately weeks later a tragedy happened, affecting primarily the energy in the environment. With sorrow, the god fell ill because of his lack of powers, it reached the pike as time of the year passed with a fastness unknown of him. In times like this, he never felt the disease consummate him, but the arrival of the girl and the feeling blooming into his heart, he was indifferent to the change, until the day. Hima won’t let him die like this, not when the seasons need him, and then she promised him she will find a cure, a way to save him like he saved her, days ago. So the girl gathered the things she needed to reach out the god’s companions, and bid her farewell with a longing pain, not wanting to leave the king alone. During her trip, the girl helped and searched in every corner she came across, but then just when she was close to find the first goddess, the Fall — closer to the Winter, and a very good friend —, the girl was ambushed by hunters and his dogs.” At the end of her sentence, Kameko was grieving for the little girl, and Hinata brought him to her arms, and peppered light kisses in his head, comforting him with caution, not wanting to make him more sad. And then, the idea came. “Then, with a leap of faith, the little girl cried for one of the three gods to help her, she touched Winter’s name, the Summer, the queen of the sun and the breeze, descended into the ambush and liberated the little girl with a flourish, disappearing with the two of them in a safe place, and during the time Hima was there, she hurried to explain the situation, and the goddess felt all the sorrow to finally understand the meaning of this, ashamed of her lack of action regarding his long lost friend. And rushed in her thoughts, the goddess finally gathered a cure for the god, leaving her hideaway with Hima at her side.”

Surprised and taken back by the change the kunoichi did with his story, Kameko searched for her eyes, pearl in jade, and when the hope glistened through them, Hinata put a half smirk, knowing the feeling. Then, the question came with a lightning speed. “They make it in time? They did?!”

“Yes, the king was surprised, and more than that, he felt the gratitude and finally let the love flow through his fibers, his words lost between the gratitude and the feeling of being whole again. Winter’s solitude was nothing compared to his new family, he was already at home. He didn’t need anything besides these two people. And from now on, Winter happily accepted Hima and the Summer as his, and vice versa.” The little cheer coming from Kameko eased up her lump, the heaviness forgotten for a few minutes. Imperceptibly, the child opened his mouth, not suppressing the yawn that came out and Hinata chuckled softly before tucking him in her arms. Two tiny arms were tight (or as tight an ill child could hold her) around her waist, and the Hyuuga watched the rise and fall of his chest carefully, heartbeat in her fingers drumming the last song, playing alone ‘till the end of the concert, leaving the only mark he could do. And Hinata felt everything and nothing.

“For what is worth in those months, Hinata-chan, you did everything that could help. You’re a good person, an even great doctor, okay? Please, be safe.” Sakura’s words ringed through her ears, but were like air, already leaving and doing no good. But she won’t blame her friend, she will never do that, because her heart was carrying another duty: overprocess and overthink. She had done that a lot.

The worst part always came after, it wasn’t a matter of how, but when. She was familiar with the feeling haunting her what-ifs every now and then, because it was what the kunoichi of Konoha assigned for after the Great War. They cannot complain about the work, because it was a collateral effect. Death was a collateral effect. That doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt every time, because the life on their hands was counting on them to live for, to continue their days after. Hinata knew this like a mantra, living in her head and triggering bad habits she already controlled. Alas, her decline came from time to time, knowing very well where to attack, for the longest time haunting her dreams, using this as the images fill her up in the wrong times, depriving her of sleeping — it was useless, after all — and instead of searching for help for herself, she did the other way around: living in the hospital, trading every shift Ino, Sakura or TenTen was willing to give to have some rest. It was the only time she could take her mind off everything, and if that improves her effect on the life of her patients, she gladly does it.

The Byakugan Princess didn’t feel proud of this, but it is a good thing she was still there to help. So many people were needing this, even if her heart sank at the some cases given to her — helpless cases, like Kameko’s —, Hinata tried to put a smile on her face, to endure courage on some of her patients, principly the children. They were in her area of specialization, whose mostly light cases, but the minor parts of the same cases evolve to graves, and she proceeds along with Sakura, being the head of operation. It becomes the problem here, when she has to look in those bright faces and after that, crush their little faith with the results.

Hinata was never ready to say goodbye to such young faces, after some time, fighting their battles became harder, with zero results or solutions, her despair led her to dark places, and a break is required, but does little to her peace of mind. It wasn’t enough, she wasn’t trying harder enough, even if Tsunade recognizes her efforts to new paths. She wasn’t saving anyone, and her failure was a shame on her history.

After her last case, she burnt out as she left his room, her mind a fucked up mess. It got stuck on her heart, how easily a life slipped through her hands, when she was there to help, if she were an genius, like Neji, she would solved the case in a bat of an eye, because Neji knew everything, because Neji were logical and persistent enough to seek every recurse that existed in the Land of Fire. She didn’t bother going to work, receiving a three-days pass from Tsunade. But after this low blow, Hinata felt the duty upon her to not repeat the same mistake again. No one will die in her hands anymore.

She forgot, for three days straight, her life outside her apartment, her head between books, scrolls, and everything she found promising to her search. In seventy-two hours, her eyes never met the darkness or a good time to sleep, completely awake, and afraid to meet her dreams and see something she won’t be able to get off her mind. To see his disappointed face, and how unequal both of them were, how he wasted his life to see her fail in every aspect of her life, trying only for him.

Neji’s life was taken away by mistake and now she has to live upon his expectations, never meeting to honor his legacy. And now, along with her cousin, Kameko's weary and hopeless facade was impregnated on everything her eyes land, not trusting them to be lucid.

Well, it’s not like she wouldn’t welcome madness as an old friend.

The lump at his throat didn’t let him say all the things he wanted to say to her, because he wouldn’t know if words would be enough for her. Her fragile demeanor was back again, and his arms reached for her at the exact moment she leaned into him, trusting, as if he could save her. In his mind, Sasuke shook his head with the irony of the things. His hands were dirty with the blood of people he thought was unworthy, her — unwilling — were carrying the blood of people she couldn't save, but she did everything to do so. Finally finding his words, Sasuke made her lock her pearled eyes on his onix ones, the seriousness in his tone not leaving for nothing.

“This world doesn’t deserve someone like you, Hyuuga, that’s what I think of it. You did everything in your power, the disease got the best on that day, but it didn’t wash your effort to do so.” Hinata tried to protest, tears filling her gaze, and his thumb glided gently in her bottom lip, not wanting to hear another word. It was his time to do something to her. “Don’t you dare correct me, you know — deep down — it is true. You’re fucking amazing, Hinata. You did it every single time, you don’t need to be a hero, you saved more lives than most shinobi living on this earth, recognize this as your worth. Some people sadly will go away, but it’s not your fault, and it never will be your fault. Put this in your head, little by little if you want, but without you, many of us couldn’t make it ‘till today, be proud.”

The look in her eyes made his heart pang with anguish. Admiration was never good on him at any kind of moment, and Hinata looking at him like this didn’t help at all. If he told her about the darkness living underneath his skin, would she still look at him as she is right now? Or be with him, at some point? He was tainted, and brushing her with his guilt and sins was never an option. Sasuke tried to ignore all of this, changing the turn of the conversation where it was supposed to be. On her. And he never failed to foresee the things about Hinata.

Eyes heavy, her breathing becoming even while she was holding his waist. He knew what was coming, and smirking slightly at her, the former criminal just kissed her forehead, his lips whispering soothing at her hair. “Sleep. I'll fight the bad dreams off if they come to get you.” Hinata didn't have to be told twice.

#sasuhinamonth2022 #shmonth2022 #shmonth #hvuga #day 1 #amae #what a ghostly scene #sasuhina #ffnet #★ ── talia writes

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hvuga · 3 years ago

Text

Ineffable - Ch. 8

Day 8 - Geborgenheit

| The sensation of complete safety |

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Link to Other Chapters

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He fell asleep with the notebook under his pillow, and he woke up with his ring finger caught in the spiral spine.

His hand feels traced. It feels like the ballpoint of a pen traced every line in his skin. It colored in his fingerprints. It etched into the ravines of his fingers. He can feel something stuck in every curve. The Curve of Saturn is full of cornflowers. The Curve of Mercury is full of mud. The Curve of Apollo is filled to the brim with sunshine. He doesn’t understand what is kept deep within the Curve of Jupiter. All he knows is that it makes his hand feel lopsided, tilted, unbalanced. Like his hand is dreaming of falling. It tenses, it wakes up, and it finds itself trapped in his notebook that smells like dirt and rain.

Sasuke looks at it first. At his drowsy hand. There is nothing there. No lines of a pen. No response. Just his own, desperate plea.

Then he opens his notebook, and the last thing Hinata had written to him is What do you think?

And that can only mean one of two things: either his words did not reach her, or they did, and she doesn’t know what to say.

He’s not sure what he’d prefer, honestly.

He stands up, and he feels lopsided like his hand. He has to lean his knees against the bed frame to stay upright.

***

Chapter 8 | Xenon: Their Song|

***

There is chamomile tea on the table, waiting for him, steaming.

“I’m not sick,” he tells Kakashi. He drinks it anyway, just in case, but he feels too sideways to want to cause any trouble.

Kakashi is not sitting. Sasuke wishes he would. He is walking around between the window and the table and the kitchen. He looks out the window, then he comes to read a paragraph or two from the newspaper that lies on the table, and then he is in the kitchen, doing nothing in particular, but pretending to be busy. It makes Sasuke dizzy, watching him. He drinks more of his tea, and when he is nearly done, Kakashi finally talks to him.

“Who is she?”

The first thing he does is hide his left hand deep inside the pocket of his pants. Then he gives Kakashi a look, which he doesn’t buy.

“I’m not stupid, Sasuke.”

He knows. No one in Abeross is. It’s a town full of geniuses. Even Naruto knows things, figures things out. He’s lived here all his life. His mother is Kushina. He might be the person who knows the most, besides Kakashi. Sasuke looks away and murmurs, “You don’t know her.”

“I know everyone in Abeross,” Kakashi reminds him.

He can hear the staircase creak. Hinata must be coming down for breakfast. He looks up, gauging Kakashi’s reaction. He doesn’t know why. These noises are commonplace in this house. He’s used to them. They’re normal. But to Sasuke, it’s all different and messy and jumbled up, and his heart is racing along the skin of his throat, and his face turns hot. He fakes a cough. Now he hopes Kakashi thinks he’s sick.

“. . . You don’t know her,” he says, and his words are miserable, and he feels miserable.

He does not look back at him as he drinks the rest of his tea. He’s about to leave, but Kakashi’s hand lands on his shoulder, pushing him back onto the stool. He refills his cup, and Sasuke knows he will not be allowed to leave until he finishes this, as well. He murmurs a thank you that he does not mean, and Kakashi knows this. He knows everything. He sits across from him, and his body is kind of leaning over the table.

He is also lopsided. Tilted.

“Mikoto once tried to cook with the ghosts.”

Sasuke’s right hand rests, warm and easy, against his cup. He does not drink from it. He is drinking the words in the air, but that will not help his supposed cold, and Kakashi gestures to his tea. Sasuke brings it to his mouth, and he continues. “The tins would move, sometimes. Flour or brown sugar. I found her in the kitchen that day. She said the ghost wanted her to make chocolate cake. I told her it was a silly thing to suddenly bake, but she was insistent. Curious, Uchihas are. She wanted to know if it would taste like ghost cake. Your mother always believed a little bit of the person goes into the food they prepared. She wanted to make sure her children stayed in a house full of ghosts that made kind-tasting food.”

The tea tastes sweet, all of the sudden. Maybe it’s because of the story. Maybe it’s because his teeth are sweet again because Hinata is there. He can feel her.

“You were little back then,” Kakashi says. “No older than four. You and Itachi ate half of that cake in less than an hour.” His blood freezes, and Kakashi’s eyes turn stern. “You understand, don’t you? That was the day we found out about it.”

The cup lands and jitters and wobbles on the table’s surface.

Sasuke can remember parts of it. Important parts. The wheezing on the floor. The smear of chocolate. Itachi’s hand wrapped around him. It was a red, rising hand. He had thought it was a rash, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t.

“He went to the hospital that day,” Kakashi says, “all because Mikoto was baking with a ghost.”

Suddenly, the taste of tea is revolting. Kakashi watches his face twist, and he stands again and rests a hand on Sasuke’s head.

“I hope you start feeling better. Remember to bring your mother with you no matter where you go.”

He leaves down the hallway where his room is found. Sasuke is still sitting.

In the entryway, his mother’s umbrella hangs from the wall. It is closed. The river is kept inside, and it is waiting.

...

The sickness stays with him through the afternoon. He does not eat anything for lunch. When Sakura asked, he told her he wasn’t feeling well. He said he got stuck in the rain. He said he might be getting a cold. It’s all a lie, but it’s what he tells her.

Naruto waits for everyone to be at the table before his attention turns his way.

“I was listenin’ in on Ma this morning,” he says. “It was real early. She’s usually sleepin’ when I wake up for the papers, but I heard her talkin’ on the phone. I know it was Kakashi. She kinda hides her mouth when she talks with him, like she doesn’t want him to see her smile — which is weird if you ask me. He can’t even see her unless she’s by the window, and she was in her nightgown cuz it was still dark, and Ma don’t let anyone see her in her nightgown —”

“Naruto.” Ino lightly smacks his shoulder. “You’re rambling.”

“Right, right!” His grin is big as he tilts his head at Sasuke. “They were talkin’ about a girl. Your girl, apparently.” At that, Ino squeals. She grabs Sakura’s hand, shaking it, and Sakura shakes it back, and they are both shaking each other, as if to wake the other if they were dreaming all of this up. Shikamaru doesn’t say a thing. His eyes fall on Sasuke’s backpack, where his notebook is kept, and he just hums before returning to his lunch. “Spill it, Sasuke! I knew there was a reason why you started writing those gushy stories! I just didn’t think you got yourself a girlfriend.”

Sasuke starts feeling a headache coming on, and he almost begins to believe he actually is getting sick.

“There’s no girl,” he lies, and they know it’s a lie — because, again, everyone in Abeross is a genius.

“Oh my God!” Ino yells.

Sakura is glaring at him. “Why are you hiding this from us!? This is the sort of thing you tell your friends!”

“When did you meet her?”

“How long has this been going on?”

Shikamaru tries to hide his smirk behind his hand. “She’s gotta be in his Chemistry class.” Sasuke’s head snaps his way, feeling awfully betrayed, to which Shikamaru just shrugs. “You always get that look before it starts.”

“Look!” Sasuke croaks. “I don’t get a look!”

But no one listens to him. Naruto has now joined into the girls’ shaking mess. They are rambling together, trying to figure out who it could be, if they know her, how they will know her if they don’t already. And this starts a rolling stone of panic in his chest, because he’s scared they’ll follow him to his Chemistry class. Lunch will be over, and they will pack their stuff and follow him, and he will have to fake a crush on some random girl to get them to back off —

And he doesn’t want to do that.

“I don’t feel good,” he tells them. “I’m going home.”

Before he leaves campus, he spends eleven minutes in the bathroom, washing the sharpie off of his hand.

...

Kakashi is doing yard work outside.

“Do you need me to get you something from The Store?” he asks Sasuke when he unlocks the gate and pushes it open.

“I’ll be fine,” he says.

He looks over at the Uzumakis’, and then he goes inside.

...

In his room, he is counting down the hour of Chemistry class and the twenty minutes it will take Hinata to walk back from campus. It doesn’t feel right to not have that sense of someone else in this room. It feels empty. It feels like how it should be, but Sasuke hates it.

He waits until the carpet shifts, and then he sits on his bed and opens up his black notebook first.

Dr. Umino looks tired.

You still haven’t gotten sick from the rain, right?

You’ve been quiet, Sasuke.

His pen is stuck in the air. He was about to write that he left class because of his friends. He was about to ask if they gave her any trouble. But these lines get stuck in his fingers, and he can’t move them for a while.

She is shifting in front of him. Worried. She is worried.

Sorry, he writes eventually. I didn’t go to class. I was scared everyone would follow me. He doesn’t feel like he has to explain. She probably understands. I’ll just read your notes over the lecture.

He pulls out his Chemistry notebook next — but when he opens it . . . .

It’s strange.

She’s erasing her words. A whole sheet of them. Bottom to top. He doesn’t understand why, but he reads all he can before they’re gone.

...

Sasuke, are you alright?

Are you ignoring me?

You saw what I wrote on your hand, didn’t you?

Wrote? He remembers that feeling of carved pen on his hand when he woke up that morning. His tongue rolls. Does that mean she wrote something, too? When he was writing on his hand, was she writing on her hand? Were they both trying to get their words on the other’s skin? Did she want to tell him something?

I’m sorry.

I figured you were trying to ignore it. I shouldn’t have written it in the first place.

It was a joke.

That last part is crossed out.

No. I won’t lie to you.

It wasn’t a joke.

Sasuke, if you’re reading this in the middle of class, there’s something I want to talk to you about. I don’t know how you feel about me, but I really like talking to you. I’m always so happy when I see you’ve written something in our book.

I even call it the Sasuke Book.

Ino won’t stop asking me about it. She keeps asking “Who is Sasuke? Is he in your class?” And I don’t know what to say. But I want them to know about you.

And I want your Ino and your everyone to know that my name is Hinata and that I use made-up song titles to remember the elements and that you aren’t always writing stories.

You’re talking to me.

I am not a story.

I’m real.

There is a section that is Chemistry notes. Sasuke skips them over completely. Like it is rain. Like he will get sick if he stays out in the Chemistry notes for too long.

Then —

Xenon - Sasuke and Hinata.

Both of their names in her handwriting.

He’s wordless.

We’re a song, Sasuke.

Do you know what it’s about?

The rest is erased. In fact, the two sentences he just read are being erased right now.

Sasuke fumbles for his pen, and hastily, he scribbles, What is it about, Hinata?

Her erasing stops. Xenon - Sasuke and Hinata is untouched. Surviving.

Tell me, he begs, then says it out loud. “Tell me, Hinata.”

And, slowly, she does.

Xenon is used in lights.

It reacts to electricity.

Dr. Umino says it’s one of the brightest elements on the periodic table.

There used to be a time where he was jealous of Naruto, of his light, of Hinata wanting to capture that light.

He will never feel that jealousy again.

It will never exist. Not in this universe, and not in hers.

...

If we are Xenon, then I want to follow you to a door in the middle of the ocean.

I want you to bring me to you, and I want you to capture me.

_____

Her heart is screaming. So is her brain, but her heart is louder.

It is louder than it was in the rain.

It is louder than it was in the shower.

It is louder than it was last night, because now she knows he is reading her words.

There is no doubt.

She can feel it. Like she is her own words. She can feel his eyes. Her shoulders are Xenon. The curve of her spine spells door in the middle of the ocean.

Her mouth is I want you, and he stares at it for hours. He stares at it like it’s the only thing she’s written.

That is all he does. Stares.

He is not writing back, and she is getting nervous.

She twists a bit on his bed. His imprint is on the left side, and hers is on the right, and they are sitting on his bed, together, and she has just confessed to him, and he is staring at her mouth like it is the only thing in the room, and —

And she feels something.

A press on her arm. The warmth of his body.

Ten fingers, separated by open, cold air. They almost touch her. They touch that air that would make her in his universe, but in her universe, they are on the back of her skull, coaxing her forward, towards him, into him. The same hands that talk to her. That brighten her day. One of them is painted with the ink of his sharpie, in words he spelled out on his palm, trying to reach her. It is pressed against her skull, and she can almost feel the words.

And something changes.

Something in the house.

She used to live here, alone. She would miss her family. It would feel cold without other people around.

But she is warm right now. Sasuke is warming her up.

She feels like she is protected by a cloak of Xenon, and when Hinata closes her eyes, she pretends he is there. Really there. His arms are wrapped around her. He is writing Helium - Capture the Sun on the side of her neck, and Hinata is finally and completely captured by him.

_____

End

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