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[huunov]

It’s September and it is now almost a year since me and him met and began our journey

I still love him so much and I never thought this would be how I’d feel a whole year later

I don’t know what the future will be like for us or if I will eventually have to let him go for good

But for now I wanna continue having him in my life and I want to continue to be in love

[huunov]

So we started speaking again on Saturday

And I know I know I KNOW I said we were done for good but I really fucking missed him

Right now we just are cool with each other and honestly I’m beginning to see my toxic traits and my flaws

Maybe I actually won’t be a good wife or partner

Maybe that’s a life I can’t have because my issues with trust is so deep rooted

I’m sorry to him though because I do think I judged him harshly and it’s hard to take accountability but in this case I actually will

Urgh it’s sad man we had something so special and now I truly regret my self sabotaging ways that I’ve had since I was a child

I’ve always ran away

Because when I keep people at a distance I feel like I can’t hurt them and they can’t hurt me

I’m sorry honestly I really am

I’ve been crying regretting my mistakes and this is probably the first time in my whole life with a guy where I have part of the fault for why it’s gone to shit

Yes he has made mistakes and has hurt me but I also should have trusted him and worked things out with him

Now he’s guarded and clearly is keeping his distance which I respect although I know he obviously cares for me still and loves me I just think something has changed in him since the last three months that we’ve stopped talking

I really have to change my ways, I have to be better person and I have to treat the people around me with more love

I got to stop self sabotaging my relationships

[huunov]

The idea of him moving on with someone else is actually making me sick, like you’d have no idea from the outside just how much I’m dying on the inside.

It’s been two months and I’m still hurting so badly.

[huunov]

Urghhh I miss him so much honestly

Life isn’t the same without his love

It just feels empty

I wonder if he’s over me by now and moved on with another girl

I guess I also have to move on sooner or later

[huunov]

Still want to spend my nights with him

Still want to spend my life with him

[huunov]

I knew I was heartbroken but I didn’t expect my physical health to be effected too.

I guess the stress has gotten to me and caused me to get sick and this makes me certain that i refuse to love again the way I did.

I refuse to be so emotional destroyed by the loss of someone to the point that I’m getting physically sick.

I hope I heal soon and move on completely.

[huunov]

Years down the road when you finally marry

And you lay next to her

When you close your eyes

Is it me you’re thinking of?

[huunov]

I love him still, so very much.

[huunov]

Urgh I hate how much I love him

I just want to see him again, speak to him again, be around him again and tell him that I love him again.

I’ve never struggled to let go before, I’ve also never been in love before and I’m really having a hard time moving on.

Maybe I need to start giving other guys a chance?

I just am not ready to move on, I still hold so much of him in my heart and all I want is for him to reach out and be different for me.

I want our happy ending

Our ghibli life

The life we promised each other

I want him

I just want him

But I know I can’t have him

I know someone else will be his forever

And I have to let go

I must let go

[huunov]

When I think of love

I still think of you

You still have a home in my heart

I can’t let go

I can’t let US go

I wonder if you still love me?

Why do I feel as though you don’t

[huunov]

Hey, it’s been a month since we stopped speaking and I wonder if you still love me?

Or at least think about me?

There’s something about us that keeps me attached to our good times knowing full well I walked away for a good reason

In my heart you still have a home

I do however feel my grip on you, on us

Loosing and for some reason that’s creating a different kind of sadness

Like I don’t want to let you go but I can feel myself detaching

I still love you though so much

And I love you

So

So

Much

[huunov]

I know I said I’ll stop the countdown and I have but I’m still very much missing him, I have an employement law exam in a couple of hours and I’m almost in tears knowing that I can’t just speak to him to make my nerves go.

Of all the friends I have, he was my best friend, I loved him differently to anyone I’ve loved before, literally my safety blanket and now I just feel bare and vulnerable.

I wonder if he’s feeling this emptiness too

[huunov]

14 days without him

Today is the last day of me making daily posts about him

I think I’ve healed now and I’ve moved on

I don’t cry over him anymore and I have fully accepted that we are done

Truth is what I miss is not him but what I thought I had with him

What I wanted was a man who truly loved me to the core and for a while I thought I had that with him but in hindsight I can see that wasn’t actually the case

He was the first guy in my whole life that I truly fell for, that I loved fully and who I allowed myself to be vulnerable with

That will never be something I can forget and it will always be special because of that

But I know what I want more now then ever

He should have treated me better but we also aren’t meant to be so it’s time to move on and accept that

When one door closes another opens

And if I don’t close this chapter fully I can’t make space for someone whose actually right for me

I need to learn to love my life and find real love

The love I always wanted will come to me and I’ll recognise it the same way they’ll recognise me

I know that in my heart that I just need to be patient and build myself up

I’m going to focus on my university, on getting my masters and finally qualifying to be lawyer

I have always preserved through hardships and found myself better as a result of it

Diamonds are made from pressure and I’m definitely the rarest and most beautiful diamond

Goodbye to the my first love, last 8 months have taught me allot and for that I have to be thankful but that’s it

I’ve let go of my claim over you

Goodbye.

[huunov]

13 days without him

I had a really good day today, I won a case against my old landlord and I’m super proud of myself for standing up for myself the way I did!!

It’s such a big win for me and I honestly wished I could share it with him but then I remembered why we ended and I felt the frustration and sadness of the situation all over again

I’ll always feel like he ruined something that could have been incredible between me and him

I am going to fully move on now

After tomorrow I’ll stop the countdown and move forward

I’ll let go of the hope of any reconciliation between me and him and move on

I’ll now move forward and find my person

I know he’s out there somewhere

Praying for me like the way I’ll be praying for him

[huunov]

12 days without him

I was doing okay this morning but in the afternoon I started to feel the heaviness all over again

It just honestly hurts to feel this lonely

He left me feeling empty and it’s not that I even want him to come back and fill it anymore I just want to go back to how I was before I met him

Before I had known what love even was

I think never knowing love is better then knowing it and losing it

[huunov]

11 days without him

I’m healing

I stopped crying over him now completely

My heart still somewhat longs for him

I am still holding to hope that he will message me but after everything that’s happened between me and him if I didn’t have some hope left that would actually be stranger

I think I still love him but I’m definitely not in love with him anymore

I am letting go slowly

[huunov]

10 days without him

I’m sitting here watching the movie the words and I’ve just eaten and it’s currently raining

It’s so nice and genuinely so beautifully peaceful

I miss him of course still but I had a conversation with my brother today that made my healing process go that but faster, I told him the reason why we ended and he told me that I deserve better and off course I had known that but to hear it from my brother meant allot because he isn’t the type to understand things like this

No one, not even my friends who actually liked him for me can defend his actions so why should I? Why I should I keep saying to myself that he didn’t intend to hurt me and continue to make excuses for him?

Truth is that I am wrong, and everyone’s right.

I deserve a million times more and for the first time today since ending it with him I didn’t cry at all

I still love him though truly and love doesn’t fade that quickly and I still look at my phone more out of habit now for his message but I know as days go by that is never going to happen

What I want from him is to beg and plead and change and become a totally different person but I know that just simply never going to happen because he doesn’t even know he is in the wrong in the first place not untill I tell him that he is

I can’t raise a man

I have always trusted that I’d choose the right man for myself or choose no one at all and after seeing all the horrible marriages people find themselves in I refuse to settle

I will meet someone better and I’ll meet the right guy for me

I deserve true passionate genuine and mutual love

And inshalllah I will get that soon

For now thought I have a million exams I gotta prepare for and going through a heartbreak during exam season is crazy but I honestly am so determined to do well

The rest of this year will be phenomenal

I will make sure of it!